this episode was a two page letter Ally wrote about some waiter at a hotel
she met called Frederic, who couldn't speak English and had to look up
'Tuna' in a dictionary.][-I didn't write
it all about him.-][ Okay. She also invented
a superhero called 'Cider Man' and drew me a Jammy Dodger (that's a biscuit).
If this doesn't prove to the world that she is dappy, nothing ever will.]
#23 "Planet of the Crepes" By Ally
year: 20 NE (New Era)
The place: Planet Buffy (Formerly Earth)
Once, in a time known as the twenty-first century, Planet Earth was a
semi-prosperous choking planet in the backwaters of the Milky Way. Unaware
of its neighbour life forms, or indeed many of its own, it toiled out
its miserable existence churning forth people, money and weapons of mass
Why? The average citizen didn't know. Hell, the governments thought they
knew, but they didn't have a clue. Only a highly secretive organization
knew the real reason for devoting so many billions of lives to drudgery
and squalor. This organization had known the properties the universe could
offer for years. They'd established mines and factories on many of their
surrounding planets, and abducted people to work in them. They'd trained
a whole generation of heartless, desensitized, cold blooded cynics, driven
as easily as a pack of murderous sheep, and interested in nothing more
than themselves. And at their front was a beautiful figurehead. The most
stylish, charismatic, ruthless killer history had ever seen. They were
nearly ready, but not quite.
Standing in their way were a group of individuals who, despite knowing
nothing, had thwarted their efforts time and time again. From both sides
of the grave they had struck. The ideal combination of brains, brawn,
mortal and supernatural had made them impossible to get rid of. Until
they'd been caught off guard. A moment of weakness had destroyed them
all, and no one had seen hide nor hair of them for twenty years. Perhaps
'Those Meddling Kids' were gone for good. The Universe was free to become
one giant oppressed empire, every creature its slave.
[If I brought up how totally, TOTALLY exactly-the-same this whole scenario
is to issue #8 of 'Sonic The Comic' (vintage: August 1993) I would only
get glared at wouldn't I? I thought so...] Earth in particular
was transformed from a green-blue living planet into a giant shopping
mall, on Buffy's instructions. Thousands upon thousands of chain stores,
franchises, hairdressers and expensive yet un-nourishing snacks rose up.
Especially French pancakes. It was horrible, just horrible.
Yet still there is a glimmer of hope. Far away on the far side of the
solar system five people are about to prove they aren't just a bunch of
southern shandy-drinking faery pushovers. It took them twenty years, and
two of them have no physical form, but life's a bitch.
They're on their way back to Earth, and they are mad. This is no time
for a plan, this is a time for action.
* * * *
"What, no plans at all?" Flibbage complained.
"No," said Sprout for the fifth time as they rounded the moon.
"But I have loads! I'm good at plans!"
"Yeah, well, I don't care."
"Sprout's right." Said J wheeling in a trolley laden with weaponry.
"We gotta go in there, sort Buffy out, liberate the planet save the
universe and we're sorted."
"Sounds like we need a PROPER plan." muttered Flib.
"What do I do?" said both Yakky's in unison, despite the fact
one of them could only be heard by Sprout.
"Nothing. Actually how finished is Yakky's new body? Very, or not
"Nearly finished." Said YAK(ky) [On
the presumption that the whole point of waiting 20 years in the first
place was to allow their clone bodies to age appropriately, how can Yakky
be nearly finished now?][well no it wasn't
cause they were already the right age. The ship has moved twenty years
in time, only five minutes passed within the ship, which you would have
noticed if you'd been paying attention. Do try to keep up.]"Yakky,
if your body is ready when we reach Earth, you can help Flibbage J and
"Stupid J, stealing my place as official bloke. If I wasn't dead
I'd..." muttered Yakky.
"Oh shut up!" Sprout told him "Okay, Flib, J, get yourselves
some weaponry, YAK(ky) set this thing to top speed."
"What are you doing!" Exclaimed Flibbage.
Sprout remained silent as Deepwater YAK hit Earth's atmosphere traveling
at three times the speed of sound. [I believe
the technical term for which is "Instant Flattenage" speed]
* * * *
Buffy HQ dominated the city of NeoBuffania. [Feh,
she's no better at names than the Faeries] The building was big, shiny,
silver and heavily guarded. Graffiti was punishable by death. When the
spaceship screamed down through the skies and plummeted through the roof,
it was surprising to say the least.
"Dear God my spaceship!" said YAK(ky) trying to punch Sprout
"What have you done!?"
"Something they weren't expecting," answered our possibly insane
heroine, extracting herself from the airbag. "J. Fetch Yakky's clone
pod. Flib. Hand me a gun. A bigger gun. YAK(ky). Put out that fire. Now,
MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!"
Flibbage passed her an M16 and the three of them vaulted into the building,
J slightly encumbered with the clone pod, which was heavy. Flib and Sprout
cut down swathe upon swathe of armed guards as they went. [M-16?
Poor choice. She'd break it in a second and it'd take five minutes to
fix the damn thing. Now an AK-47, you could probably run it over with
a truck and still operate perfectly...][a
"Look at the floor plan, J. Where's Buffy's office?" Sprout
yelled as Flibbage did battle with some Ninjas who appeared as if from
nowhere, as ninjas do.
"J do this. J do that. Carry the clone, J. Look at the map, J. I'm
the one with all the gun skills-" J grumbled, putting down the pod
and pulling out a printout Sprout had got by hacking into the mainframe.
"It's down this corridor."
"Okay. Let's go!"
The three intrepid heroes machine gunned their way through another group
of guards, kicked open the door and leapt into the dark office. Flib magically
sealed it against more guards, and the room became deathly quiet as the
sounds from outside melted away.
They stared at the back of a leather swivel chair. A cat purred.
"Well, well, well children, back again?" Buffy's voice mused
from the shadows.
"You can't beat us, Buffy. We always come back." said Sprout
"Oh, but I have." Buffy swung round and smiled winningly at
"How, exactly? We've thwarted every crappy scheme you ever came up
with, and trashed your crappy HQ"
"Well yes." Buffy answered, voice dripping with evil suavity,
"But you've also missed the point entirely. You think I'm the one
running the show? Think again children."
Buffy stroked the cat and chuckled. "Oh I was at first. But my little
plans weren't getting me anywhere. So I made some alliances in the right
places. Made some new friends. In return for my own planet, I helped them
dispose of three troublesome kids, and an idealistic low level employee,
who had the wrong idea."
"What?" said J, nervously.
"Yes, that's right, J. The NGSPIB weren't about creating galactic
harmony, no, they wanted to control it! HAHAHA!" [BUFFY
SWERVE~! #4. Well technically it was an NGSPIB swerve, but she was the
one who helped pull it off]
Everyone looked suitably shocked.
"NO!" said J pushing in front of the girls, "That's a lie!"
"I'm not. They wanted you dead, so they sent you off to collect Flibbage
and Beansprout so they could dispose of you all at once."
"LIAR!!!" Yelled J and pulled the trigger of his machine gun.
The leather of the chair was shredded in a rain of bullets and ribbons
of blood flew through the air.
"J! NOOOOO!" screamed Flibbage trying to hold his arms. J dropped
the gun as the glass of the clone pod burst open, and Yakky clawed his
way out, launching himself at J.
"MY MOTHER! YOU KILLED MY MOTHER YOU BASTARD!!!" he shouted
wildly. The look in his eyes was almost feral as he swung a punch at J.
It hit J square in the face and he sailed backwards across the room.
"I didn't mean to, man! It was a reaction! She was an evil Bitch,
she killed all of us!"
"She isn't coming back! That was my MOTHER!" He advanced on
J, arms raised to hit him again. [Oh for fucks
sake...they could just clone her if they really wanted to]
"Leave him Yakky!" Sprout yelled frantically, trying to pull
him away. "She might not be dead!"
"Uh, she's dead." Said Flibbage from over by the chair.
Yakky pushed Sprout away and knelt down by the corpse on the chair, rubbing
his eyes. "She could've changed. J. She wasn't always like this"
Flibbage tactfully led J into a side room before he could answer. Sprout
knelt down beside Yakky and put a comforting arm around his shoulders.
"It's not his fault Yakky, he doesn't understand..."
"You would say that, wouldn't you Sprout?" snapped Yakky suddenly.
"No, its true, the NGSPIB have messed up everything-"
"Stop making excuses for him Sprout!" Yakky yelled throwing
off her arm as he stood up. "Just face the facts! You may have feelings
for him, but he's a murderer!"
"What the HELL are you talking about!?"
"And let me guess, now you want me to help you defeat the NGSPIB?
Well, hasn't it occurred to you if they're evil, he probably is too?
[I see that logic is already starting to go out the window in Yakky's
rantings] And besides, If I never see him again it will be
too soon, and if you're going to stick up for him, SAME TO YOU BEANSPROUT!"
"Yakky-" Sprout pleaded, but he cut her short with a bitter
"I don't suppose it'll make much difference, I've just been a spare
part to you ever since I died, haven't I? Just a useless presence only
you could see." He turned and walked to the door. "It was nice
while it lasted Beansprout, but I don't want to be your other sidekick
anymore. I'll see myself out."
Sprout stood transfixed, speechless as he left. As the door closed she
whispered, "Yakky, it was never J I had feelings for..."
But it was too late. He was gone.
[Translation: "ANGST ANGST ANGST JEALOUSY
ANGST BITTERNESS ANGST." They could put that sort of thing in anime
subtitles, if it wouldn't end up replacing the majority of the story...]
* * * *
"God, what have I done?" moaned J.
"Something unexpected?" suggested Flibbage.
"Oh God...poor Yakky..." J turned to Flibbage as he paced
the room. "Everything I believe in is dead, Flib! Helping people,
working for the good of mankind...they wanted to kill me for it!"
"Its enough to make a person plead insanity." answered the ever
cheerful fairy. "Hey where are you going?"
J opened the door. "I can't do this anymore, Flib. If I didn't see
the NGSPIB for what they were when I was working for them, what good can
I possibly be to you? Besides, Yakky hates me!"
"Where will you go?"
"I don't know." J murmured, and walked away.
DUM DUM DUUUM!!!
And there it is. The very darkest moment of INUBUYAKASHA to which nothing
else compares. We leave our intrepid heroines amongst the crumbling remains
of Buffy HQ faced with the corpse of their Arch nemesis, but with
bigger fish to fry. And how will they cope without the support of their
gorgeous male sidekicks? Well they'll have to learn how to be PROPER feminists,
that's how. Find out what becomes of those meddling kids next time on