"Got a plan?" Yakky asked Flibbage.
"No fool, I don't because Buffy is pretending she has the plot. I have several ideas but they're doomed to failure. Besides, I think I've done enough today so far. YOU try thinking of the plans."
"Well Sprout, got any cunning laws of academia that will help us out?"
"Many, but Sod's Law (Principal law of the Mulitverse) dictates that Buffy will folk it up anyway."
In the background the Faeries began to storm the [Okay, okay] Shaft [Heheheh…]. There were screams of agony (and curses from Cabbage) as Buffy's minions, strengthened by the power of plot convention used to villainous advantage, decimated them rather nastily.
"So what are we going to do about this?" whined Yakky.
"I know." J answered
"You sound so pathetic Yakky. How come you never have a plan?" Beansprout snapped at her boyfriend.
"I've got a plan-" said J
"DON'T CALL ME PATHETIC! I HAVE WEREWOLF POWERS!
"Oh of course werewolf powers…"
"Guys?"
"Stop that right now, you two," said Flibbage irritably.
J gave up and wandered away.
"HE STARTED IT!" "SHE STARTED IT!" Beansprout and Yakky answered simultaneously.
"Well actually I did, but you are so useless sometimes," Sprout admitted.
"She's right you know," Flibbage answered. Yakky muttered under his breath about women. "When you've all finished bickering," J said walking back towards them, "I collected some of my colleagues from the NGSPIB and we've planted an R-bomb at the foot of the tower. If you feel like saving the Faery Realm before they're all dead, come with me.
* * * *
Beansprout, Yakky and Flibbage were still dumbstruck when they reached the tower, so J took the rare opportunity to say something sensible and relevant.
"Barry,- by which I mean the smart people he bossed around- was working on this Realism Bomb as a backup plan," he said pointing at a mass of wires and blinking lights that the NGSPIB agents were fussing over. "It eradicates all supernatural and convention based plotlines within a three--mile radius adding a gritty believable edge to anything beyond that. When this goes off, Buffy's just a woman with trained lackeys. True, we'll just be an ordinary bunch of young people, but we'll have big ugly guns provided by my friend L." L grinned at them and waved,
"Barry tried to chat me up," she said "Now I'm fighting for the good guys and so are all my nerds."
"Anyway," said J, "afterwards the Surrealism Squad will help restore the faery realm to normal." He grinned smugly at the others. There was a brief silence.
"Fine fine, you've had your moment," Flibbage said, "you realise you won't be able to say anything intelligent for months?"
"It's worth it," J said in a blissful tone. "Agents L, H, N, Everyone else- are you ready?"
The long suffering agents nodded as they finished wiring the bomb (re-structuring reality is hard work).
"Heroic people, are you ready?"
"Shut up already for Folk's sake!" Beansprout answered and hit him. "Just give us the big guns and set off your damn bomb before I get really cross!"
"Oh and that would be so unlike you…" muttered Yakky.
"Shut up dog boy!"
"Have a gun! Be happy!" said Flibbage quickly, "But if you keep glaring at each other like that, I'll take them away."
"Meh." Said Yakky and Beansprout irritably.
"Okay, it's all ready to go," said L. J struck a dramatic pose, looked towards the tower- and had a coughing fit.
"I told you, you'd had your moment," said Beansprout rolling her eyes despairingly, I make the dramatic statements around here!"
"…'kay… *hack hack*" croaked J.
Beansprout struck a dramatic pose, glared at the tower and said [Not in a Radio 1 breakfast show style]"Drop the Bomb!"
"You don't drop it, you just-"
"SHUT UP1 SHUT UP SHUT UP! JESUS CHRIST WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET HALF-DECENT SIDE-KICKS THESE DAYS?"
"Learn some people skills," grumbled Yakky.
"ARGH!!"
* * * *
"What's that noise?" asked Red.
"Probably the Pink Elephant Legion," Cabbage replied, scowling as another regiment of faeries was laid to waste.
"Nah… sounds more like a gritty real-life drama that deals with extreme situations, yet is entirely believable."
"WHAT?!"
The ground began to shake, a grey mushroom cloud billowed up from the bottom of the tower and a shockwave spread out through the armies, knocking faeries and vampires alike to the ground.
"REALITY?! NO, GOD NO!!!" Cabbage wailed, "MY REALM! MY BEAUTIFUL REALM!!!"
"Folk!" cried Red as the shockwave hit them.
Well that wasn't too painful she thought as she got to her feet, although I may have alcohol poisoning… I'm also wearing a floppy hat and a frayed jumper. Hmm. I must have reverted to my most realistic persona, that of a writer, which explains my clothes and the fact that I'm very, very hungry…
"Woah man…" said Cabbage sitting up.
"Dear God , you're a hippy!" Red exclaimed, "as all the faeries seem to be."
"Folk!" Cabbage yelled, "Buffy has made my army ineffectual and non-violent!" she clenched her teeth, but couldn't help adding, "man."
"Well what else could faeries revert to in reality?"
"BAD-ASS KILLING MACHINES DAMMIT! Faeries don't ponce around with flowers and cheerful music, dude! DAMMIT I said dude, dude!"
"Faeries do ponce around with-"
"SHUT UP!"
Meanwhile, on the battlefield, the vampires (now scary looking guys with big sticks) were cheerfully beating up the faeries even worse than before, because the faeries were now waving banners and singing 'If I had a hammer… OWOWOW!" [Well if I wrote this episode, they'd all be welsh instead of hippies, and we could have made sheep jokes]
* * * *
Inside the tower, it was dark, (the electricity had been cut off because Buffy didn't pay her bills) and cold (ditto the central heating). Our intrepid heroes climbed up the seemingly endless stairs which were completely and realistically booby-trap free, most of them carrying the big ugly guns.
"Oh stop giggling…argh…dude," Flibbage said to Beansprout.
"But it's funny..." Beansprout laughed. Being a realistic character, her IQ had dropped a good fifty points and her wit had suffered a serious blow.
"It'll serve you right if he tries to shag your leg," Flibbage added.
Yakky made about as contemptuous face as he could considering he had worryingly turned into a golden Labrador, and ran huffily ahead.
"Dude!*DAMMIT!*I was standing up for you!"
"Yeah," said J.
"Articulate J, Ar-tic-u-late," said Beansprout rudely.
"Bad vibes, Sprout! Be cool to your fellow dude."
"I don't think even the most stoned hippy, ever says something as dumb as that," Sprout replied to Flibbage.
"I can't help it. I hate myself."
"There there."
After more walking and bickering, they found themselves [Spiritually! A har har…] outside a door. Not a very interesting door, because that's life.
"Remember," J said, being slightly more interesting, "we don't know what the R-bomb has turned Buffy into. Anything could be waiting behind that door."
"Anything?" said Beansprout, and shot the door to pieces.
"My door!" someone shrieked from inside.
"Ooh, scary." Said Beansprout to J and walked in. Buffy was standing in the middle of a tastefully decorated room, looking horrified and furious.
"You broke my door! My last movie paid for that door!"
"Oh no!" said J, "She's become a powerful Hollywood Mafiosa!"
"Who are you calling mafiosa?" Buffy snapped and then caught sight of Yakky. "Eee! What a cute little dog!"
"Woof," said Yakky in alarm as his mother picked him up and began to kiss his nose.
"HANDS OFF MY DOG- I MEAN BOYFRIEND!" Beansprout yelled, and shot her with no effort at all.
"Yelp!" said Yakky, scurrying away.
"…don't say groovy don't say groovy Wild, *GODDAMIT!*"
"Cool, said J, now let's go sort out the realm and get unrealised."
"I dunno," said Beansprout, "that seemed a little too easy…"
"Well duh," said Flibbage "real life sucks like that."
"As that remark illustrated all too perfectly."
"Even when you're dumb you're too smart…" they walked towards the door. It slammed.
"That was unexpected," said Beansprout.
"Fools," a voice purred as the door of an antique wardrobe fell open and an evil-looking man in NGSPIB uniform stepped out.
"Agent P!" J exclaimed with a Kagome-esque gasp.
Flibbage who beginning to get control over her hippy-ness, rolled her eyes, "Go on then, outline your evil plot, do your speech whoever you are, yada yah,"
"Thank you I will." Agent P strolled towards them and tapped something on his wrist which made their guns go 'phwee' and die. "I'm guessing you've all heard that popular anime proverb 'Behind every powerful idiot is a hardcore group of intelligent, manipulative evil bastards'?"
"Oh that one," said Flibbage.
"Well it's true of the NGSPIB, did you really think Barry was capable of running an evil empire? We let him think that Faerie was a good place to control, monopolise and eventually sell off as timeshares, whilst we worked on taking over the mortal world. Between you you've done a wonderful job of trashing Faerie by the way. It'll be a while before these guys are in any state to take us on again. Anyway, I seduced Buffy, our only competitor and used NGSPIB research to create an unreality pocket in this handy wardrobe, some of which leaked out when I opened the door, which is why Flibbage hasn't said dude for five minutes. Any questions?"
"Who are the other intelligent, manipulative evil bastards?"
"They call us the BIG PRICKS."
"That doesn't answer the question. Nor is it a very flattering name for that matter."
"Enemies don't tend to give you very flattering names" said Agent P. "Anyway, now I will consign you to the far reaches of the multiverse before the faery regains her powers or the girl with the gun hits me." He hit another button on his wrist and a wormhole opened in the wardrobe.
"Foooooolllllkkk!!!" Beansprout yelled as they were sucked in.
Agent P shut the door after them and lifted his watch to his mouth. "Agent P here, phase 1 complete, get our people out of this god-forsaken wreck of a realm, and someone get me a sandwich, I'm starving.
He then set fire to the wardrobe, and left.
IS THERE NO HOPE FOR OUR HEROES?
WHAT ABOUT FAERIE?
WHAT ABOUT EARTH?
WHO ARE THE BIG PRICKS?
WILL SERIES SEVEN BE GREAT, OR A HUGE ANTICLIMAX?
FIND OUT SOON IN SERIES SEVEN
*INTERTEXTUALITY*
COMING SOON…
[Well I hope you liked this latest instalment of our saga, I might make a trailer like I did last time for series seven.
Let me see, what aspects of series seven can I tease you with? Copious amounts of death! Knights and dragons! The scariest Villain yet! Madness! Angst! Dark secrets to be revealed! And uh… A comedy Ash tray!!!]