#67 "The B team" By Alice
grew more and more unnerved as time went on. The two people on either
side of her had each been muttering insanely to themselves since they'd
left the mansion full of scary bitch women.
Inu-Yasha had a sane reason to mutter (
well fairly sane) -Red had
conducted an efficient communications spell [as
described in her 'Fey Skills' textbook- Cabbage had given her the CFC
textbooks but, in true Red style she had read the entire Faerie Education
syllabus one dull lunchtime and now spent her time whining that she had
nothing to read.] and was now directing him to the nearest
intertextual link. Unfortunately Kagome didn't know this and so was walking
next to an angry armed half-demon who kept up a constant mutter of;
"But what in the seven hells is Houston?"
"Well how was I supposed to know that?"
"As if humans could create something that flies!"
"DAMN YOU WENCH, TAKE YOUR VET FRIEND AND-"
"Inu Yasha!" said Kagome primly sensing the one sided conversation
was taking a dirty (and confusing) turn.
On the other side was Beansprout, who she was rapidly coming to think
of as Beanderella. She two was holding a sword (although it was broken),
was angry, and was muttering;
"Goddamn voices in my head
or from the ceiling
goddamn asshole voices
alas where is my love?...
like I care, asshole men
"Are you okay?" Kagome asked, with her best 'look at me, I'm
helpful and selfless! Feel free to burden me with your problems!' face.
Beanderella was blatantly not okay, but as the depths of her problems
were complex and
deep, Kagome's question wasn't entirely stupid.
She felt as if her personality was trying to go in three different directions
at once, or as if three different voices were being forced together inside
her head and were all trying to make their displeasure at the situation
known to the others- loudly. At times she remembered growing up in the
castle, being taught to keep quiet and look pretty, at other times she
was sure she'd been living on the streets of Chicago for most of her childhood.
Behind these louder voices were a scattering of memories, tiny and nagging,
about the sword hilt she was holding, a lot of other people and random
collections of letters which she was sure meant something important if
she could just get the order right. This understandably would give anyone
good reason to mutter.
"Obviously not," said Kagome grumpily to herself.
Inu Yasha was becoming irritated. "Shut up Wench! I'm trying to have
a conversation with your Mother!"
Beanderella stopped short and turned to glare at him. "Wench?"
she intoned murderously.
*Uh-oh* thought Kagome, that's not an innocent, polite question.
"Least you stopped muttering." Inu Yasha snapped and walked
ahead of her.
The next few seconds were not pleasant, although they were educational,
as Inu Yasha learned that essential lesson; never turn your back on a
pissed-off Parker Girl.
* * *
After Cabbage had related the story of how she'd tracked them down and
Yakky and J had had Intertextuality explained to them over and over until
they knew enough words to pretend they knew what was going on, and they'd
eaten lunch, and Flee!-Bee had killed all the ants attracted to the food,
the nine people involved in this section of the story sat down to form
a plan. This was somewhat difficult as the large size of the group made
it a committee and therefore useless.
"Jenenchilada! Take that out of your nose!" Yelled Cabbage.
"Hee hee hee-ow!" said Jenenchilada who was once again, snorting
"I see you," said Flibbage to Heathcliffe, as they sat playing
"Hmmm," said The Twizard [whom we'll
henceforth call The Twiz, because it will annoy him] as he
surveyed the others with a knowing expression.
"Don't you sit there and not tell us what you're being so bloody
knowing about!" Snapped Cabbage , who having found no one to blame
the state of her realm on, was getting angry again. Flee!-Bee and Petrobrad
were having a Vodka shot contest (as in how much vodka they could drink
before Cabbage noticed.).
"I can't believe I was a teen werewolf," Yakky said in disgust.
you are a teen werewolf." J replied.
"I am a werewolf who just happens to be a teen, it isn't the same."
"Well I can't believe I was going to marry Beansprout."
There was a horrible silence.
"THAT'S RIGHT, YOU WERE!" Yakky shouted, standing up.
"I didn't want to!" J exclaimed in abject terror.
"WELL IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WHY DID YOU TRY?!"
" Flibbage said in a small hopeless
"As yes, it happened just as I saw in my coffee grouts," said
The Twiz to himself.
"You think I wanted to marry your foul-mouthed, half-crazed girlfriend?!"
J snapped as he stood up as well.
"Don't you talk about Beansprout like that if you value your shades!"
"Big words from the GUY IN A DRESS!"
"That is ENOUGH!!!"
Everyone fell silent and turned to look at Flibbage who was about the
shade of a red and green apple with rage.
"EVERY TIME!!!" she shrieked. "EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! IF
YOU TWO COULD JUST PUT YOUR TESTOSTERONE ADDLED DIFFERENCES BEHIND YOU
WE'D ACTUALLY MANAGE TO GET THINGS DONE EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, BUT NO!
BEANSPROUT AND I ALWAYS HAVE TO RUN AROUND SORTING OUT YOUR PROBLEMS AND
MAKING YOU STICK AROUND WITH US BECAUSE THE RULES OF NARRATIVE DEMAND
IT, OR THE WORLD STARTS FALLING TO PIECES AND WE HAVE TO CALL UP FOLKING
DEMONS TO FILL IN FOR YOU!!! AND NOW BEANSPROUT ISN'T HERE, SO IT'S JUST
GOING TO BE ME THAT HAS TO LISTEN TO YOUR PATHETIC BICKERING!!!"
"But he called-" Yakky began in a small voice.
"BEANSPROUT IS FOUL-MOUTHED AND HALF-CRAZED!" Flibbage yelled,
"AND YOU TWO
ARE MORONS! NOW SIT DOWN!!!"
"Yes Flib, sorry Flib." Said Yakky and J and abruptly sat down.
"AND APOLOGISE TO EACH OTHER!"
"Why are you crying?" Jenenchilada asked Cabbage.
"*sob* I'm so proud of my little girl *sob* just like her mother!"
"So what-" began Yakky.
"I'm not finished," Flibbage said acidly as she magicked a scroll
covered with small print and a pen out of thin air. "Sign this as
a promise that you won't bicker like children any more.
Yakky and J glanced at each other sceptically, but signed the paper.
Flibbage cackled triumphantly, rolled up the scroll and made it vanish.
"Excellent! Now if you two ever dare to fight again, you'll both
become instantly impotent!"
"*sob- sob* even the slurs on virility! *sob!* so proud!"
"you are twisted!" Yakky exclaimed.
"I agree," J said quickly.
"Excuse me? The plan? I'm sure there was something about a plan at
the beginning of the scene
" said Flee!-Bee.
"Hence why nothing ever gets done." Chuckled Flibbage darkly.
"Hmmm," Cabbage thought aloud. "Lets split up according
to everyone's skills. Those who can track down Beansprout and restore
her memory should do so, and those who can help find information on these
'Big Pricks' should return to Faerie with me. After careful consideration
I've decided that the destruction of my realm was probably engineered
by them, therefore I'M GOING TO CRUSH THEM!!! AHAHAHAHA!"
"You're going back, but you're the only one with powerful enough
magic to restore Beansprout's memory." Said Flee!-Bee.
"Cablim is too ambitious to left on his own for long, so I ought
to go back, but because of Flib's wonderful rant I am going to bestow
some of the most powerful Faerie magic on her.
Flib went bright pink (and green) and very tearful, and then was surrounded
with an aura of silver light as Cabbage gave her said power.
"So that's Flib, Yakky and J so far for Beansprout retrieval,"
Cabbage mused. "I'll just ask Red to find Beansprout's location,
and we can work out who else you need."
Cabbage spoke to words of the communications place skill spell;
"By the spirits of voice and paper, I wish to:
" Communicate successfully with others
" carry this out using a particular medium and style
So mote it be!"
There was a small pause. "Oh hi Red. We need to to know where Beansprout
is, came you get Flor to scry for her? What!? Dear God, what did you do?!"
* * *
"I told you, I drank the last of your bay-leaves but it was only
a little bit," Red slurred. An' I sent Inuyush-... inyuh... him,
to find Sprout, and he did... I know that's ASS* [*Absoltely
Stunning Spellcasting]Level magic, but it worked, didn't it?
Oh, that's him now, I'll send him to you with the intertextual travel
fey skill I just read about... but I can do it, Cab' lissen...
Spirits of the transportation of facts from text to text, I command
" Transfer textual matter Demon/Inu-Yasha.being and human/Kagome.being
a to the current location of Faerie/Queen/Cabbage.being
so mote it be!
Red sat back and drank some vodka. "These fey skills aren't so bloody
useless after all!"
d'you mean you've lost her?" Cabbage shrieked at a trembling Kagome.
"Well, but she ran off, and we couldn't follow her because Inu-Yasha...
well... and I can't run fast anyway, 'cause I've been ill... "
"DON'T TRY THAT WITH ME! I KNOW THAT'S JUST A COVER STORY YA LITTLE
SKIVER!" Cabbage shouted, and threw a jug full of punch at Kagome.
"YOU! DEMON! WHY DIDN'T YOU TRACK HER!"
"Begos by dose is full of blood," Inu-Yasha said miserably.
"And since when have you let a little blood bother you?!"
"I'b actually very squeabish, I jus' bretend not to be to cober ub
by ebotional trauma..."
"Shut up," Cabbage said, and sighed," Well, this changes
everything. You said she was ranting, Kagome?"
"Yeah, it was like walking along with a schizophrenic or something!"
Kagome said soggily.
Cabbage and Flib looked at each other.
"M G S D?" Flibbage said.
"What's-" Yakky asked.
"Multiple Generic-induced Sanity Dysfunction. Sprouts got too many
different female protagonist rolls fighting for priority inside her head,"
"If you're going to get like Red I shall take that power back, ''
Cabbage warned her.
"Sorry mum. ''
"I think, " Cabbage said " we should all go back to Faerie,
get together some people to bring Beansprout in with minimum damage to
all concerned, and get some more people to sort out therapy. ''
"But what about the Big Pricks?" said J
"Folk the Big Pricks! Beansprout's the most immediate threat. ''
"What?" Yakky exclaimed.
Flib sighed. "She's got loads of conflicting roles stuffed in her
head, Yakky. To put it bluntly, she is slowly being driven mad. ''
Yakky went pale. '' Then I'm going to find her. ''
"Are you listening?! It's Beansprout, and she's crazy!" Flib
wailed, "She'll kill you horribly!"
"I have to do something!"
"He's said the words," Cabbage said in resignation "sadly,
he does now have the generic right to go on a daring solo mission of love
to bring back his girlfriend from the brink of insanity or die in the
"Yakky, don't be... hasty," J corrected himself. "Maybe
you should take time to plan. ''
"I don't- agree with your opinion," Yakky finished through gritted
teeth "although I respect it."
The others tried not to laugh. "Nice one, Flib," said it Flee!-Bee.
"Yes," agreed Cabbage "although you should be careful,
if they start communicating and expressing their feelings eloquently they
might, under the laws of Generics, turn into women."
"Well, Yakky already has the... intelligence."
"I'm going to save Beansprout anyway," Yakky said, and ran off
before anyone could say anything else.
"I'd be so cheerful if my boyfriend turned up in a dress to save
me," Petrobrad said sarcastically.
"You wouldn't be cheerful if ten naked male swimsuit models turned
up to save you," Heathcliffe pointed out.
"I'd be mildly content.''
"Right," said Cabbage "back to Faerie to sort this out!"
She clicked her fingers, and everyone except Kagome and Inu-Yasha disappeared.
Kagome tried to wring punch out of her hair.
"By dose..." Inu-Yasha or reminded her, in the style of an injured
puppy holding up a paw. Kagome was feeling very miserable, but his eyes
were also puppy like and so she couldn't really refuse to help. Half-an-hour,
some demonic howling and a pack of Kleenex later [get
your mind out of the gutter and stop snickering], Inu-Yasha
or was back to normal. "Hey Kagome," he said (yawning) "you
"THAT IS BECAUSE I'M COVERED IN PUNCH!!!" Kagome shouted, and
burst into tears.
* * *
Flori had been set to scrying for Beanderella, Cabbage was teaching Flib
had to use her new ultra-faery powers, Jenenchilada or was busy hacking
into faerynet sites full of info on the Big Pricks (these sites were few
and secret, but Jenenchilada, being a rogue, could get into anything,
especially when she was wearing her magic trainers), Red was researching
how best to treat MGSD, Phoebe was catching up with old friends, and the
Twizard had gathered a small Beansprout Retrieval Operational Tactical
team [or a BROT team-see what I did there?][no...]
"Right," said The Twiz "I have chosen you to retrieve Beansprout
because you're all either brave or stupid enough not to have said no.''
J, Flelen, Fjenny, and Agent O glanced at each other and shrugged. A few
feet away, Heathcliffe cheerfully trampled a sprout.
"So," The Twiz continued gravely "I, with my tactical knowledge,
will organise you, and J, O and Heathcliffe will share their military
"Ahahaha! And there you lie, trampled fool!"
"Erk," said Barry the Sprout.
After some organisation, it was decided that Flelen and Fjenny would fly
ahead and scout for Beansprout, Heathcliffe would then challenge her to
a duel, and, while she was distracted, Flelen and Fjenny [The
Flainsworths for short] would drop and net on her and J and
O would stun her using their NGSPIB drugs (one of the perks of the job).
"Well," said Flib, strolling over "as far as plans go,
The Twiz pulled a contemptuous face at her and sat down.
"As is your name. From now on you can just be the B Team.'
The Twiz stalked away in huff.
"Come back," said Heathcliffe "you have to record my exploits!"
The Twiz stalked back.
"Now," said Flib "I have a better plan!"
"Beansprout's just used the MooreVerse intertextual link!" Flori
called. "She's arriving in... the Domain of D&D11th."
"Crap!"J said, drowning out the rest of Flori's words. ''Now
we'll have to go and save Yakky too! Er- that doesn't count as arguing
"No," Flibbage said absently. "Hmmm... well, that all works
out very well.''
"Now we have bait. Let's go."
* * *
And a few short scenes just to build up the dramatic tension and round
off the episode...
Back in Feudal Japan...
"Well, it certainly was educational," Kagome mused, as she took
out another humanoid demon with the Death Nose Pull (otherwise known as
a Way of the Duck)
... and later that day...
"But I want to stop for lunch, wench!"
Inu-Yasha scurried on, whining like a puppy,
* * *
(Tappity Tappity tap tap)
* gasp! * said Jenenchilada, and fell off her chair in shock.
"Don't steal my shock reaction, Jenenchilada!" Cabbage shouted
(Cabbage had long ago needed a scented bath and a non dairy pudding)
What does Jenenchilada see on her computer screen?
Will it (knowing Jenenchilada) actually be important?
When will Alice realize that Cabbage does not bath (especially in bloody
scented crap) as it gives her eczema and instead washes herself under
nice waterfalls as all self respecting elves do?
Find out next time on InubuYAKasha!
that drifted aimlessly through my mind as I wrote this... if Beansprout
was a faery, would should be called Flout? Is something that comes from
the MooreVerse SIPversive? (sorry) How pissed-off would Inu-Yasha be if
Kagome buggered off to join the parker girls? (and imagine Darcy with
Apologies to the Twizard for making him so serious and uptight in the
second half of the episode, but that's just what having to cope with J
and O and Heathcliffe all at once does to you.]