Episode #20 "In space no one can hear you order pizza
Weren't we on Earth a minute ago? This is Mars." Said Flibbage as
they left the Martian spaceport.
"Uh. WHY are we on Mars?" added Beansprout.
"Uh. Is there food on Mars?" asked Kyakky. For answers they
turned to J.
"Hell if I know!" Said J.
"Yeah well, nice going Will! So we're on some planet for no reason
at all. And poor Kyakky could STARVE!" Said Flibbage crossly, waving
her arm at Kyakky, who tried to look woeful.
"My name is J!!!" Hissed J. " J! J-A-Y! Not Will!"[HAH,
but it isn't A-Y is it? Is it?! No! There's no A or Y to be seen! You
don't even know how to spell your own fake name, do you Smithy-boy?]
"Oh well excuse me, Mr. "look-at-my-nice-suit-and-corporate-identity"
I forgot that we all have to call you J! Come on guys, lets go get Pizza!"
and with that she grabbed Kyakky and Beansprout by their collars, and
dragged them off into the hazy red landscape, muttering under her breath
about pretentious film stars.
"Where are you going?" Yelled J, "There's no pizza on Mars!"
* * * * *
may occur to the avid reader that they left Glastonbury with a tubby dinosaur
in tow, with the instruction that it should lead them to Buffy's lair.
However it was so useless, repulsive, and frankly, flatulent, that they
had left it on an asteroid. [There are no asteroids
between the Earth and Mars...][ nor is they
pizza on mars, or in fact an atmosphere. But lets forget all that, and
just say they went the scenic route. And ACTUALLY yes there are asteroids,
and sometimes they hit us.] Beansprout was sure it wouldn't
be that hard to find Buffy, as you could just follow the trail of discarded
expensive, but slightly out of fashion shoes. However they had ended up
on Mars, so much for that plan. Mars was big, Mars was red, Mars was very,
very empty. No shoes. The three friends trekked across the endless desert
in search of pizza.
"Yakky," Said Sprout absentmindedly poking him in the ribs,
couldn't you find someone better looking to possess? K is old and chubby!"
"Do you see anyone else?"
"What about J, he's getting on my nerves."
Kyakky frowned. "Huh. Why should you care how I look anyway?"
"Shut up! It's just that- that well- Shut up!"
Flibbage rolled her eyes.
"Besides." Said Kyakky "K knows all kind of cool stuff,
like about guns and cars!"
"Oh Yay." Said Flibbage "Guns and cars. Two of the top
three thought processes of men.[If you're so
clever, where do football and Big Red Buttons fit into this equation,
hm?] Still, he can't possess Will, cos we need him to get us
around the universe, and If Yakky left K, we'd have to deal with K again,
and I don't think he was really on our side."
Kyakky walked ahead of the girls to have a sulk about being a man and
being judged because of it.[perhaps something
tim can identify with..?] Beansprout turned to Flibbage. "Why
the folk do you keep calling J, Will?"
"Because he is a fictional character imported into this narrative
strand to balance the male/female ratio in the primary protagonists."
you're not a faery."
"Hey, guys!" Said Kyakky, Staring at a small reddish lump in
the distance "That looks like
Huuut, f**k yeah! Coming again to save the motherf**king day yeah!"]
"How the hell can you see from here?" said Sprout peering through
"I think that K has implants in his eyes," he answered striding
forward purposefully, and as they got nearer, it was in fact, Pizza hut.
"Illogical," mused Flibbage, "but whoever cared about logic?"
Kyakky, Flibbage and Sprout made a dramatic entrance as they were becoming
accustomed to in their role as adventurers, by throwing back the doors
with a crash. Several aliens looked up and gasped in horror as the Earthlings
strode in and ordered the biggest, most elaborate pizza they could think
"Mmmmm. Pizza." said Kyakky.
"Mmmmm. Pepperoni. " said Flibbage.
"Mmmmm. Pizza, well that showed me!" Said J, sauntering in and
grabbing a slice, as if no one was cross with him.
"Mmmmm." Peace and quiet." said Beansprout, through a mouthful
Then the roof fell in.
Dum Dum DUMM!
[Well I think that wins the prize for most written/least
happened episode. Thank you procrastination fans!]