"Dude! Where's my comedic farce conventions?" or
"Ooops Ally's done it again." By Emily
Folking MEN!" raged Beansprout as Flibbage joined her in the main
office again. "Now what are we gonna do?!"
"Well we could do what we originally set out to do," said Flibbage,
walking purposefully towards the back of the room.
"Kick Buffy's ass? Kind of done." [naive
"Nah." answered the fairy looking into a glass cabinet. A green
glow appeared around her hand and she smashed her fist into it, retrieving
a sword. It had a plain, wooden hilt, like a Japanese katana, and the
blade was long, wide at the ends like a scimitar. Other than that, it
was fairly unremarkable, with a faintly blue-tinged blade, no overly sharp
edges and no mystic symbols. "One Sword of Slayskull, I'm guessing."
"I'd forgotten about that. Does it do anything?" Flib handed
it to her, and she swung it in the air experimentally. Nothing happened.
"Guess I finally got my magic sword then." [Seriously,
where is Skeletor when you need him?]
The building was beginning to shake around them, plaster dust was raining
out of the ceiling onto them.
"I think we should get out of here
" said Sprout worriedly.
"And as ever, I have a plan." Sighed Flibbage. "Lets do
what we always do when faced with situations we can't cope with."
"Go to Faerie."
"But what about Yakky? Oh, and J."
"Well J can certainly cope on his own, and as for Yakky, I think
we'll see him again. Anyone who cared about you enough to haunt you isn't
exactly about to disappear forever, is he?" [Oh
come on, they were exploded by the same bomb. There's a real bond there.]
"Nothing." Flib replied, and with a flick of her wand, returned
them to Faerieland. With perfect cinematic timing, the whole building
collapsed, with much noise and pyrotechnics[divers
alarums and excursions]. On one side of the huge pile of smoking
rubble, J dusted down his clothes, put away the retractable abseiling
equipment and walked off morosely. On the other side, Yakky brushed his
hair out of his eyes, and tried to stop himself hoping they were all okay,
* * * * *
The two much bedraggled girls trudged their way into the Faerie court,
where they found Cabbage, on her throne eating a pavlova.
"WaaaaaaRGH!!! Ghosts! Ghosts!" Screamed the Faerie Queen and
fell off the throne backwards.
"Nah. This time we're clones possessed by ghosts." Said Flibbage.
"Really?!" said HRH Cabbage, trying to regain her composure,
whilst being covered in bits of meringue, yogurt and kiwi fruit.
"Yes mum. Really."
"How awfully intelligent. That had to have been one of your little
plans darling, wasn't it. I'm awfully glad you're not dead. I nearly had
to name Cablim as my successor, and a man just can't be a queen, [duh?]
not of the faeries anyway
"Mum, that's all very nice. But we killed Buffy-"
"Oh you didn't did you? Oh what a shame, she makes such a good evil
"Yes Mum. And we got the Sword of Slayskull. But it turns out that
the real bad guy is the head of the NGSPIB."
"Ah. Its one of those plots is it? Oh and hello Beansprout, that's
the sword there, is it? Get your mother to have a look at it, she's getting
good at identifying mystery objects, I might make her my official court
Identifier of Stuff."
"My mother's alive?" said Beansprout breathlessly.
"Oh yes. She and Barry didn't think it wise to stay on Earth, what
with Buffy ruling it and all, so they came to live here. Your mother is
training to be a Faery, she got fed up with computers."
"Woohoo!" yelled Beansprout and ran off. No one blamed her,
because she already seemed a little edgy.
"Now, sweetheart." said the Queen," What did you do with
those two lovely boys you've been dragging around with you recently?"
There was an edge to her voice that struck Flibbage's sense of foreboding.
"They went off in huffs because their view of reality was contested,
and Sprout supposedly doesn't fancy them, which frankly is rather lame
becau-" Flibbage trailed off as she realized her mother was doing
the over dramatic expression of terrible impending doom. This made her
"WHAT!? No! You have to get them back!"
"Come on mum, they weren't all that useful, and neither of them fancy
me, which only proves how stupid they are
" grumbled the crown
princess of Faerie. [It's true. In any anime
she'd have been given a "Go on, you're the last two left, have fun"
relationship with J. But alas, poor Flibbage...]
"No Flibbage! Don't you pay any attention to the ancient laws of
generics?! You know the rules for adventurers;" the Queen cleared
her throat."1# primary protagonist with magical artifact, prophecy,
arch nemesis and quest, 2# one sidekick. After those two central characters
you have to have token representatives of the opposite sex/other species/races."
[Or more like six of them, if you're in a Final Fantasy game]
"Well yeah, but we never had any problems with our generics before
they turned up, why should we now?"
"You can always increase the numbers of central protagonists the
narrative strands just become more complex to support them, but if you
remove a protagonist, they must be replaced with a similar figure or the
balance of the narrative is upset."
"You have to find them. Get them to forgive you, forgive themselves,
anyway you know how. If you ever want to see a happy ending again, that
is. If not, all kinds of bad things will happen, terrible things."
"Like none of the conventions will work for you anymore. You won't
have a plan, let me tell you that. And if Sprout can think of anything
sarcastic to say, I'll be very much surprised."
"Awww CRAP!" cursed Flibbage and stamped her foot on the ground.
"Why me? Why is it always me?" Suddenly a large chunk of plaster
fell from the ceiling and hit her on the head.
"Terrible things. Mmhmm. See?" said Cabbage.
here's a great spot to leave the series on a terrible cliff hanger
WHAT WILL SPROUT DO WITH THE SWORD?
HOW WILL THEY PERSUADE THE USELESS (YET SEEMINGLY UNESCAPABLE FOR NARRATIVE
REASONS) MALE PROTAGONISTS TO COME BACK?
WILL FLIBBAGE EVER EXPLAIN THE SCIENCE OF GENERICS IN A MANNER COMPREHENSIBLE
WILL RED EVER GET TO BE A FAERY?
WILL CABBAGE GET ANOTHER PAVLOVA? [Well,
if you can't get a pavlova in your own kingdom, it's a sorry thing indeed]
FIND OUT IN THE FORSEEABLE FUTURE OF INUBUYAKASHA!