#30 "The Yak and the Beansprout -geddit? Huh? Huh?" By Emily
I mean good-looking or what?" exclaimed Flibbage, and characteristically
fell over backwards.
"That's my dad?" said Yakky, squinting in the light, "Am
I that good-looking?" Nobody answered.
"What the hell? Who are you people?" said Oz.
"I am Yakky, clone of Yakky, possessed of the ghost of Yakky, son
of Buffy the sometime ruler of planet Earth."
"Does that mean he's the heir to Earth, like me and Faerie?"
said Flibbage, trying to get up.
"Eep! Not Buffy! ARGH!" said Oz, looking worried.
Yakky looked crestfallen. "Didn't anyone like my mother once they
got to know her?"
"I didn't either. And I'm okay, you know, guys. I didn't get hurt
falling on the floor, although it was nice of you to worry."
"Come on- she wasn't that bad, she just wanted to rule the world.
I mean, Cabbage gets to rule Faerie and be bossy and irrational, and no
one hates her!"Yakky protested.
Suddenly something in Beansprout's mind seemed to snap. Every bad thing
in her life, for as long as she could remember, was linked to Yakky or
"YAKKY! She was EVIL! She wanted to RULE the WORLD and the rest of
the SOLAR SYSTEM! She wanted my mother DEAD! She wanted ME DEAD! She wanted
FLIBBAGE and CABBAGE, my FRIENDS, my FAMILY DEAD! Just to get at me! How
can you just ignore all the evil things she does!? She was an EVIL, MEGOLOMANIAC,
"Oh-o dear." said Flibbage and made herself six inches tall
in order to get nearer to the wall. J tried to do likewise, unsuccessfully.
Oz merely hid behind his guitar.
Yakky growled and raised his fist as if to hit her. Beansprout, didn't
flinch, she just continued to glare stonily at him, about six inches away
from his nose. Then, with sudden abruptness, he turned and stomped out
of the cave.
"Don't you walk away from me, Yakky! Don't you dare!!! Come back
here you arrogant bastard!"
Yakky continued walking.
"Grrriough!!!" screamed Beansprout through her teeth, which
is a noise that can never be fully appreciated on paper, and ran after
him yelling expletives.
Flibbage whistled through her teeth.
"Are those two-?" asked Oz.
"So," said J, changing the subject," you're in charge of
the NRATNGSPIB, eh?"
"Yeah, what is it that you do in resistance?" added Flibbage.
"I don't see why I should tell you," said Oz narrowing his eyes,
"You look like agents."
"Nah, I'm a faery, and as for him, the NGSPIB tried to kill him because
he has morals. Oh, and they were in league with Buffy, hence with the
"Figures," said Oz, examining his guitar "She was a heinous
"Returning to the original line of questioning," said J, "what
exactly is it that you do?"
"Yeah, we've got some really sarcastic songs we wrote about them,
and we play our music really loud. And we never pick up our litter."
J and Flibbage looked gobsmacked.
"You don't fight them?"
"No. They'd kick our asses, they're probably hunting you down like
dogs right now."
As if on cue, several agents burst into the cave. Before the two sidekicks
had time to gasp, someone shoved Flibbage into a useful jam jar, and several
agents restrained the struggling J.
"Help!" said J.
"It really wouldn't achieve anything in the long run." answered
"You didn't see this." said an agent to Oz.
"Naff off. Bloody fascists." Oz replied, as Flibbage and J were
carried out of the cave.
* * *
Presently he went to do some shopping and get more beer.
Beansprout stormed into a clearing in the mountainous bramble, to find
Yakky sitting on a stone, faced away from her. His ears twitched, hearing
"You're right you know." he said.
"That's why I said it." she answered bluntly.
"She was a murdering, psychopathic bitch. But maybe she could have
changed. I guess I'll never know now."
"Maybe, who knows?" Beansprout went to sit beside him on the
rock. "Sorry I lost my temper; it's hard to see her as anyone's mother."
"That's okay, she wasn't very motherly."
"Maybe she's a ghost now, maybe she haunts Mr. NGSPIB leader- person."
said Beansprout, and they laughed quietly.
Yakky looked at Beansprout. Beansprout looked at Yakky.
A small gold envelope flew violently into the back of Beansprout's head,
knocking her flying and ruining the mood entirely.
"Ow! What the folk?" said Beansprout picking the envelope up.
It opened and gold faery dust flew out, forming letters in Flibbage's
unmistakable spidery handwriting;
to interrupt you but;
(The NGSPIB are kidnapping us.)
Ps. Love from me xxx.
PPs. That's Flibbage.
PPPs. No I don't have a plan that's why I need rescuing, fool!
PPPPs. And don't dawdle about it.
crap." said Beansprout, rubbing her head.
"Aw crap." echoed Yakky.
"Let's go," said Beansprout.
"Can we leave J there and just rescue Flibbage?"
"No, because as we already learned, splitting us up is bad."
"Oh yeah. Damned laws of fiction
And so they set off, armed only with the vaguely useful and possibly magic
Sword of Slayskull, and Yakky's teeth which were cryptozoological [Emily's
favourite word] if nothing else.
To be continued