#31"The fellowship of the Thing." By Ally.
junk, abandoned cars
Nepal certainly is picturesque." said
Beansprout, picking her way across the wasteland. Something didn't seem
right, one minute, empty landscape, the next they'd walked into a colossal
"Yeah, but look at all this cool stuff people just threw away!"
said Yakky from the middle of a heap of scrap metal, "Wow! A road
"It's a road sign Yakky."
"But we could fashion it into a shield!" said Yakky, oblivious
to the sarcasm, "It's a give way sign." he added, grinning.
"And that will strike fear into the hearts of our enemies?"
"They'll get the message
"Look, you can have this one!"
"I don't want a road sign shield, I want to find the NGSPIB and hurt
"Not even a 'Bridge ahead' sign?"
They walked in silence for a bit and then Yakky said,
"Hey! Look at that!"
"What? A battery-powered singing fish? A vibrating sheep? A girder?"
"No, I think it's the wreck of Deepwater Yak."
They ran over to the giant rusting hulk of metal. "Oh my God,"
said Beansprout, "I never thought I'd see this thing again. I really
destroyed the Mankind's-Last-Hope Gene Ark of the Future, didn't I?"
"Yup." Yakky wrenched open one of the crumpled doors and they
climbed inside. "Folk! What a mess!"
"Hello? Holo Yakky?" Beansprout whispered, as they reached what
had once been the bridge. There was no answer.
"Do you think he's dead?" Yakky asked, wrinkling his nose at
the musty air.
Suddenly a small light blinked on the console, Beansprout grabbed Yakky's
arm. There was a small sound like someone coughing, and through a buzz
of static came the hoarse words
"Don't you speak like that to yourself!" Beansprout snapped
at the computer.
"And Beansprout!" Yakky added.
"And me!" Beansprout corrected herself. She looked around with
narrow eyes as an idea began to form in her engineering, violence and
sarcasm orientated genius brain. "Hmm
top secret radar system,
maps of Nepal on archive, capable of high speed
"Semi-detached with a garage?" mused Yakky.
"Shh! Quick! Find me a plutonium crystal, a circuit board, a spanner
and some UHU!" commanded Beansprout striking her most dramatic pose,
"I'm gonna fix this ship!"
why?" asked Yakky, ruining the effect.
"So. we. can. find. Flibbage. and. J. Yakky. you. twat. Tch, more
than just a pretty face, my arse
Three days later Deepwater YAK was as good as new. Well almost. Well not
really, but it would fly. Maybe.
"Right," said Beansprout, wiping her oily hands on her trademark
dungarees, "if you will just tape that microwave to the wall there,
I can run the power grid through it and we'll be online."
"Will this work?"
"Yes. Or kill us in a horrific flood of radiation, moments after
we push the red button."
"Right. So what now?"
"Push the red button please." Yakky did so with his eyes closed.
There was a whirring noise and the console lit up. A beam of light shot
up from the floor and turned into the ships hologram pilot, YAK(ky).
"I thought I told you to bugger off!" he said.
"We forgive you!" said Beansprout sweetly. "Now help us
destroy the NGSPIB."
"Well apart from the fact that last time I helped you, you returned
the favour by trashing my ship - look at the computer screens."
Beansprout and Yakky looked. Each and every computer screen was scrolling
the same message;
SHIP IS THE PROPERTY OF THE NGSPIB, EARTH
UNMANNED SUICIDE GENE DESTRUCTION MISSION
SPATIO-TEMPORAL ARRAYS ONLINE
would be a fair description of their feelings.
"Why suicide?" Sprout asked.
"You've caused the NGSPIB a lot of trouble, and obviously kept on
doing it into the future, so they took your original bodies and DNA and
put it as far away as possible. I kind of lied about the whole planet
"But why did you help us," Yakky enquired, "if it's against
all your programming?"
"Because you're me, and Sprout's quite fit really, and Flib has amazing
legs and J is strangely attractive in the right light." Said YAK(ky)
Beansprout looked at Yakky who had gone a comical shade of red.
"So you were programmed to destroy us all, and yourself?"
"Basically, yes." the hologram replied.
"But why? We'd leave them alone if they weren't always out to get
us/ the world." said Sprout, which was technically true.
"Oh there's also this prophecy about you being the guardian of the
Thing that is Generally Used for the Opening of Doors, Filing Cabinets
and Other Such Sealed Receptacles."
"Really? My own Prophecy? I always wanted a proper prophecy that
wasn't just some load of balls Cabbage wrote when she was pissed."
"Don't you mean a key?" added Yakky.
"I most certainly do not!" sputtered YAK(ky), "But,"
he continued "the Thing is the only thing that is capable of preventing
the NGSPIB from ruling the known universe."
"Hmm," said Beansprout idly throwing The Sword of Slayskull
from one hand to the other, "well I haven't got a clue what this
Thing is supposed to be, but I'll keep my eyes open for it. Meanwhile,
let's get this thing in the air."
"I didn't say I'd help you Beansprout Jones! In fact I specifically
remember saying I wouldn't, which is why we're having this conversation!"
"But I'm so cute, and besides, you have no choice, I've set it to
And so Beansprout, YAK(ky) and the very embarrassed Yakky flew off into
WHAT IS THE MYSTERIOUS THING?
WHERE HAVE THE NGSPIB TAKEN FLIBBAGE AND J?
FIND OUT- HOPEFULLY SOME TIME THIS YEAR.