#27 "Ten things I hate about 'funny' cartoon crossover episodes."
magicked up some faery chips with her wand and made everyone sit down
so she and Sprout could explain what was going on. Yakky sat sulking at
one end of the row of people.
"Right," said the extra smart and very annoyed Beansprout "This
is the situation as I understand it, most of the finer details only make
sense to Flib, because only faeries understand the laws of Generics, whatever
"They're the logical rules of fiction narrative and character development."
answered the faerie, with her mouth full.
"Whatever. Are you all paying attention?"
"I'm not, but I know all this anyway, so it's okay."
"Fine. Not that I like the sound of your voice, so don't get any
"Wiggy wiggy - oh sorry."
"Huh?" *vaguely surprised expression*
"Okay, because of the girly tantrums and general disillusionment
of Yakky and J, everything was set to become boringly real, a loop in
the nature of the universe which manifested in the form of random falling
matter. To stop these phenomena, Flib and I got two new token blokes as
a TEMPORARY replacement, until we could find the real sidekicks.
Great. No more death by comedy objects. Then you all turned up again."
"The problem now," Flibbage interrupted, "is we have two
additional characters; Inu-Yasha and Kagome. This may have upset the balance
in the opposite direction, making everything horribly clichéd."
"Not that I understand your faery nonsense, but how is that bad?"
Flibbage clicked her fingers and a large book appeared out of thin air.
Putting on reading glasses, she flicked the pages. "Bad news or good
"Well I did ask how it was bad, so I'll choose bad." said the
ever cynical J.
"Well if you thought our lives were strange, you haven't seen the
half of it."
"Well Inu-Yasha and Kagome's universe might be slowly falling apart
"What!?" shrieked Kagome,
"Of course, that's the worse-case scenario. The spell should have
found suitable people to replace them, whose disappearance wouldn't affect
their own universe."
"What if you did it wrong!?"
"I'm a very capable faery. I'm a princess, I'll have you know."
"A princess? Argh! "wailed Kagome, who was used to feudal princesses who were pretty useless at anything that didn't
involve sitting still and looking pretty.
"Now for the good news. We've got plenty of good luck to go around
between us, and we get to be really good at our individual character traits."
"I'm lost," said J.
"That's 'cos you're good at being confused J, and I'm good at confusing
people. Now the other good news is that now Kagome is here, then there
won't be any clash between Inu-Yasha and Yakky as Beansprout's love interest."
Unfortunately Flibbage was drowned out for quite some time by assorted
loudly voiced opinions and expletives Yakky and Beansprout chose to start
yelling at each other again about how there was no way in hell that they
would EVER look twice at the other. Kagome just sat and fumed.
"Besides, there's no way I'd ever fancy that DOG-boy!!!" yelled
"So you'd prefer the half demon?" said J with uncharacteristic
"Feh, sprites and faeries, what does a forest spirit know about anything?"
Inu-Yasha growled which only served to make Kagome crosser.[Pretty
dumb thing to say really, seeing as 'yasha' actually means a forest spirit...]
"Changing the subject," said Beansprout abruptly, "let's
go find some more NGSPIB agents and kill them horribly."
"Feh- no, wait, okay." said Inu-Yasha, remembering he quite
liked that kind of thing.
"But what about the Shikon Jewel?" Kagome reminded him, "If
we don't find all the shards-"
"Shut up wench, I want to kill things!"
"Kagome, you're such an irritatingly pathetic cliché sometimes."
"Well I'm not going to let everything run wild in our world whilst
you play about with that stupid sword, Inu-Yasha!" yelled Kagome
and stormed back into the Portaloo.
"No!" cried Flib as the machine made a sound of malfunctioning
wrongness. The door swung slowly back on its hinges.
"Aw, crap," added Beansprout, as a small, dark-feathered chicken strutted out.
in feudal Japan
Four figures sat around a fire. Shippo was cowering next to Miroku who
was trying to pretend nothing was wrong.
"Would you like some green tea?" The Buddhist monk asked Julian Clary.
"Yes please, love."
"And you?" He asked a long haired person who he, for some inexplicable
subconscious reason, kept trying to flirt with.
Lily Savage took a long drag of her cigarette and blew a cloud
of smoke in Miroku's face. "Sod off."
misty, it's dewy, my life is so screwy
" warbled Beansprout
as they trudged up to the main gate of Cabbage's palace in their latest
attempt to find out what the hell they should do.
"Shut up, wench," growled Inu-Yasha. Kagome the chicken, whom
he was carrying, clucked stupidly.
"Feh," muttered Yakky, then slapped himself round the head for
saying 'Feh'. J just looked bored.
Someone who seemed rather upset was Cabbage, who was playing monopoly
with Red and two of the faeries in the throne room.
"You FOOLHARDY EXCUSE FOR A FOOLISH FOOL!" she shouted, throwing
a Mayfair hotel at her oldest daughter.
"Nice to see you too mum," said Flibbage, rubbing her forehead,
where the plastic house had left a dent.
"Nice way to nearly destroy the universe, kids," said Red, counting
her Monopoly cash, "very impressive."
"Thanks mum. My mum is nicer than your mum." whispered Sprout
"Yes, but if you write a 'Flibbage's mum is a bitch' song
she'll find out, and kick your mortal ass."
"Actually," continued Red, "we're going to write a book
about your adventures, and get minted. Or set up a website."
[-Episode 96, Ally's tale of how they did just that.]
"RED! DON'T BE NICE TO THEM! THE WORLD IS A MESS!"
"Well don't get mardy at me!"
"Silence!" shouted Inu-Yasha, then ruined the effect by adding,
"Make Kagome stop being a chicken."
"No can do," said Red whilst Cabbage flounced like a cross child.
"I'll start from the beginning. You have over-fictioned the world
with your antics, so much that you've dragged in fiction laws from other
unrealities. If Cabbage turns Kagome back into a girl, Terry Pratchett's
borrowing law, will dictate that she'll still THINK she's a chicken."
"Red!" exclaimed Flibbage and Cabbage simultaneously.
"You can't go randomly explaining Generics to mortals! It's a mysterious
Faerie lore, if you want to talk about it, you have to use long words
that make no sense unless you're a faery!" said Cabbage clipping
her round the ear; "You'll never get to be a faery if you can't get
"Well sorry. And for another thing-"
"Hey, what's that?" said Cabbage suddenly and grabbed the jar
of Shikon shards Inu-Yasha was holding with an overly triumphant "Yoink!"
"Hey! Those are the Shikon shards! Watch it! Oh no, my chicken
Inu-Yasha chased Kagome around the hall for a little while until he caught
"Someone smashed my best marble, dammit." Cabbage complained.
Inu-Yasha looked puzzled in a semi-demonic manner, "It's the Shikon
"It's the Marble of Cheating at Marbles."
"It's the Shikon-no-Tama, the Jewel of Four Souls."
"Nah, but Gandalf at No.6 has one of those. He calls it a Simarilion
and uses it to watch Eastenders.
"Nice one mum, now ALL the blokes are disillusioned."
"Oh it's still magic. Don't worry your fluffy little head about that.
Oh Sprout, why don't you put a shard into the handle of the Sword of Slayskull?
Something cool might happen."
"Okay," said Sprout reaching for a shard.
"Hey! Don't do that!" started Inu-Yasha, but Flibbage waved
her wand and suddenly he had a mouthful of lettuce. Beansprout put the
shard on the sword handle, which glowed blue and bounced it away.
"What d'ya know. It repelled the shard." mused Cabbage, "interesting."
And she tried to look intelligent, whilst feeling very stupid.
"Oh! There's another problem!" said Red suddenly.
"Thought there might be," said J, who once again was depressed
about his lack of lines.
"Well Yakky's the original token bloke but now Inu-Yasha's here,
and he's a replacement, so if we don't get rid of him, they'll most likely
merge into one person."
"What?!" Said everyone except Inu-Yasha and Yakky, who simultaneously
"RED!" yelled Cabbage stroppily and bashed her fist on the table,
"You are being too comprehensible! How would you have put that Flibbage?"
"Due to interference in Yakky's character profile and role as superfluous
male protagonist from Inu-Yasha, and the emerging similarities in both
character traits and narratives, the aforesaid narratives could converge
into one single protagonist character."
"Yes," said Sprout, "But now we understand because Red
said it first."
"Dammit Red! How can we pretend to be superior beings if you mess
it up!?" asked Cabbage, and threw a plastic house at her. "Besides,"
she added smugly "That would only happen if the two protagonists
were actually intertextual mirror images of each other."
"Inter-dimensional doubles, the person who you might be in a parallel
universe." Red explained to the others, just to be annoying. "Besides,
why do you think of all the people, in all the worlds, with Beansprout's
sketchy description, Flibbage's spell chose Inu-Yasha?"
"Nah, come on, his inter-dimensional double would have to be at least
the same species. Inu-Yasha is very definitely a half demon, I mean look
at the ears, the claws, the scary teeth-"added Flibbage, skeptically.
" said Yakky nervously, as everyone turned to
look at him. He sighed, "Okay fine. Here's the big, scary dangerous
secret, I didn't tell you because everyone would hate me
closed his eyes and concentrated, and a terrible metamorphosis began to
creep over him. His hair began to grow out around his face, his hands
twisted into claws and his ears lengthened and became pointed. What happened
to his teeth, no one really wanted to see.
"B-but you can't be a half demon! Your dad was a vicar, and Buffy,
monstrous as she is, is no demon either!"
"Bartholomew isn't my real father
" said Yakky, not meeting
"Then who was?" she asked.
"He was a werewolf, luckily I didn't inherit enough genes to change
every full moon, I've just got these dumb ears. I had a spell to cover
it up. But it doesn't change the fact my father was a demon. His name
rebellion to Emily's blatant egotism, here are my great plot twists and
good examples of freaky shit. Plus, I think Yakky was wasted as token
testosterone. Write write write! Now now now! Luv Ally.]