#35 "Lord of the Thing(s)" By Ally.
next day, when everyone was a little more sober, Beansprout, Flibbage
J and Yakky met with Cabbage and Red to think of a plan of action with
which to crush the evil NGSPIB.
"How are we supposed to know what the damn Thing is?" Beansprout
asked, as Flibbage arranged her hair in a mirror, "and without knowing,
how are we supposed to keep it away from the NGSPIB anyway?" [Ooh!
Precognitive link to Minority Report!"How
can you avoid a man you've never met, Tom Cruise?" (And then he gets
snogged by a scary old woman, heh heh heh)]
"Feh! NGSPIB agents- scummy scum," muttered Yakky
"Hmm," mused Cabbage as Red hummed a tune obliviously, "I
suppose you could go and see Floweron, he is Lord of the Thing, although
I'm not sure if it's the same Thing."
"Where can we find this Floweron?" asked our heroine.
"He lives on the ground betwixt upper and lower levels of ground,
you can get there through a portal." [She
means middle earth. I didn't get it until she explained]
"Can I come?" asked Red.
"Do you even know where we're going mum?"
"Yeah, Pizza Hut!"
" Beansprout began despairingly.
"She's not that far off actually," said Cabbage and waved her
wand in the air as she began the spell;
a Pizza service that's heinously ming,
Take us to Floweron, Lord of the Thing!
and they appeared outside of a hole in the side of a hill. A jaunty sign
read 'Floweron's Pizza Service! Just dial 'M' for Mordor!'
"Hah!" said Red, "I was right! Ha ha ha screw you guys!"
They went inside, and were faced with the sexiest elf in any of the realms,
leaning boredly across the counter and singing rock songs in elvish. [Or,
as Cabbage will say "WELSH!!! IT'S WELSH, DAMMIT!!!"]
"Hi," said the Elf, "Can I take your order?"
"No," said Red, "we need to speak to-"
"-I'd love some pizza!" Cabbage said, and took a seat on the
other side of the counter. "...Get lost guys."
"Tch! Come on children," muttered Red, only cross that she hadn't
walked in first, and climbed over the counter, whilst Cabbage gazed at
the Elf. A violin solo had begun to play in the background, although no
one was sure where the violinist had appeared from.
Our heroines, the blokes and Red wandered into the kitchen where an elf
called Fleeter was washing up and another called Flom was scraping the
grease from inside an oven.
"Hey guys," said Flibbage, "Anyone seen Floweron around
"You could always ask my pal Heath Ledger, he's the guy drying dishes,"
"Okay, I can handle that!" said Red sidling over to the incredibly
gorgeous Aussie, "Hi Heath, you know where Floweron is?"
"Oh him? He went to Tesco to buy industrial sized cheese."
"Piss off to Tesco kids," growled Red, and went back to leaning
against the cabinets in her usual drunken ho' manner.
"Goddammit, our mothers are so unhelpful!" yelled Beansprout
and dragging the others along with her, stalked out of the building.
WILL THEY FIND FLOWERON?
WILL HE BE THE LORD OF THE RIGHT THING?
WILL THEY FIND OUT WHAT THE THING IS?
ALL THESE ANSWERS AND MORE ANSWERS THAT YOU NEVER NEEDED, NEXT TIME ON