Pretty blue words began to appear on the laptop screen as Beansprout, Flibbage and Yakky watched...

Twas Brillig- and in Mongolia,

Yaks gored and gamboled in the hay.

[Ah, this must be the radio edit Well did you ever meet a Yak that could Gyre? ‘Gyre’ meaning ‘to go round and round like a gyroscope. I'm pretty sure that a Yak could gyre if you spiked its food with LSD. Or at least it would think it could gyre]

All worn out were our shoes and boots,

And Red, Barry, Flynn and Cabbage,

Hung around all day.

 

Beware Buffy and the Yak man,

Stiletto heels and smelly skins.

Beware of Yaks and Stakes and Spam,

And other dodgy food in tins.

 

Beansprout goes forth with a useless Uzi,

A floppy disk and a bad attitude.

The faery will have Donkey magic,

The boy’s smell will be considered rude.

 

And as in childlike thought they stood....

Horrible things happened and they had lots of adventures.[huzzah?]

The End. 

The screen went blank with a small popping noise.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" said Beansprout and thumped the screen.

"Don't ask me." Said Flibbage (who by the way looked a lot less frizzy because of being in the Faery Realm) and flew up into a nearby tree. The other two were just getting around to wondering what she was doing, when small, rectangular, white fruit began to rain down.

"Great! Something to eat!" said Beansprout and bit a large chunk out of one.[clearly mistaking them for the fruits of the Cosmic Pez Dispenser]

"Don't do that!" cried Flibbage poking her head out of the branches anxiously.

"Why n- urrghh!" cried Beansprout, spitting out the half-chewed white mulch. "That is foul!"

"That’s why you don't eat it." sighed Flibbage, "Its Soap fruit. I got it for Yakky- duh!" She turned to our smelly token male character in his decomposing suit. "There's a lake over there. Please go and take a bath. There's also a clothes tree. It's the one that looks like a charity shop."

Yakky disappeared into the trees and Flibbage flew up to the top of the toadstool to collect fairy dust in a small bag. Beansprout continued to roll around on the floor clutching at her throat and spitting.

"Soap! I can't believe I tried to eat soap! Urgh! Yurck!" Beansprout took a bottle of water out of her bag and tried to wash away the taste. Abruptly she began to foam at the mouth. Flibbage laughed so hard she nearly fell off the toadstool.

"Don’t mock me!" cried Beansprout, "My magic sword is useless, my prophecy is crap, I'm only five and I look RABID!!!"

Flibbage giggled in a way so reminiscent of Prozac the Giggle Faery it was scary.

"We could always go see my Mum. She wrote the prophecy after all, and she's the ruler of the Faery Realm, which is where we are anyway. Besides, I have a few things to discuss with certain people." Her little face crumpled into a look of pure malice for a second.

"Oh great, More faeries! And are they all as uh… talented as you?"

"Don't be silly! I’m just a trainee. All Faeries have different magic. For instance, my Mum is Queen of the Faeries because she has the powers of the world’s most useful vegetable, cabbage. And my Dad has a donkey for a head, so I have inherited Donkey magic, which is very powerful, and Cabbage magic, which is very useful."[how come she gets both magics when everyone else has to make do with one? Wouldn't the grandchildren end up with four, and so on?Because Flib is the Faery Godmother, and she's special. Stop asking awkward questions...]

Beansprout sat down to think about the days events. Just this morning she had been just another lanky, spiky, overly intelligent and cynical primary school attendant. Now she was sitting in the Faery Realm with a machine gun, a laptop, a Faery and a boy with an acne problem. What else could she do?[set up a youth club?]

"Let's go see your Mum then, Flib."

* * * * *

Later we find our gallant heroes traipsing through a cute woodland full of bluebells and cute animals with big eyes that don't seem to have any intention of killing each other like normal animals do. Yakky is a little more fragrant and clean looking, and is now wearing a Chelsea football strip (his choice- oh dear.) [to hell with your anti-Chelsea ways], and consequentially does not look completely disgusting. They stop outside a small, twee looking house.

It was a very small house. It was approximately a foot high. [The Royal Palace has changed over the years, hasn’t it?...I reckon it was magic that doesn’t let you see it’s the palace...how convenient]

"How the hell are we supposed to get in there?" asked Yakky.

"Eat this." Said Flibbage holding out two small pills with the famous words 'EAT ME' on them.[ho ho… no you see these are the pills that let you see it’s a palace…][I swear they're just Love Hearts. Very, very dirty Love Hearts.]

“Is that an instruction or an insult? Besides, Mum always told me of the dangers of eating things strange people give you." said Beansprout dubiously.

"I'm not a stranger!" said Flibbage.

"Did I say stranger?" said Sprout as she put the pill on her tongue. The weirdest sensation followed, coupled with the realization that she was suddenly three inches high. At this height, Flibbage looked more like a child’s hairdressing experiments with green pen than ever, and she also realized that her legs really were incredibly out of proportion with the rest of her body. Flibbage knocked loudly on the door of the quaint cottage and walked in. Inside it was of tardis-like proportions, and extremely ornate.

"Mum? MUM?" Yelled Flibbage in a voice that seemed almost painfully loud now that they were more her height. "MUM! IT'S MEEEEEEE!"

A green skinned woman in a shimmery dress waltzed into the room absentmindedly, holding a pavlova. Her waist length red hair was topped with a cheap tiara interwoven with wilted flowers.

"CAN IT!!! My sinuses hurt. Too much dairy."

"MUM! MUM! CABLIM PUT ME IN A BOTTLE AND CHUCKED ME IN THE SEA!!!"

"Ahh Cablim, that little scamp…"

"HE WAS TRYING TO SUFFOCATE ME!!!"

"Well then dear, what have I told you about revenge being a dish best served as soon as possible?"

"REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, MUM!"

"Well then, BUZZ OFF AND STOP NAGGING ME ABOUT IT!"

Flibbage ran off down a winding corridor looking vengeful, and Cabbage turned to face the two children.

"Small mortals… What are you up to in my house?

"You may know our parents. I'm Beansprout, Red's Daughter. This is Yakky, son of Buffy-the -Nepalese-Vampire-Slayer.

"That doesn’t explain why you’re here. But I was wondering when I'd get to meet you, how are your parents Sprout?"

"They're fine thank you Your Majesty."

" Good, the child shows respect for her superiors. Although, I'm only Queen by default, you know." [Meaning what? That the old queen was no longer available and there was no one better to replace her? Isn't that the way it usually works?]

"Why?"

"The old Queen Titania was squashed against a truck windshield. Which by the way, had nothing to do with me."

Yakky and Beansprout laughed nervously as Flibbage ran back into the room, grinning.

"HELLO EVERYBODY!" Everybody winced. "I'M BACK! THAT’S ONE ELF WHO'S GONNA REGRET MESSING WITH ME! HAH!" At this level even the faery laugh wasn't tinkly, it was gratingly annoying.

"Anyway. We're here about the prophecy your majesty."

"What about it?"

"Well its crap." cut in Yakky. "It doesn't tell us anything that hadn't already happened by the time we found it"

"Ahh, all the patience and finesse of your mother I see, Yakky. How is she dear?"

"Wants to see you all dead, rule the world etc, etc."

"And your father?"

"Oh he's fine too-"

"MUM THE PROPHECY!"

"Yes yes, it seems no one understands my genius, what I meant is...."[genius for stalling tactics, more like]

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THE PROPHECY?

WHAT ADVENTURES AWAIT THE TRIO IN FAERIELAND?

WHAT ARE RED AND BARRY PLANNING?

WHAT ARE BUFFY AND YAKMAN PLANNING?

WHERE IS DONKEY-HEADED FLYNN IN ALL THIS?

[You figure it out, I can't be arsed anymore.]