Episode #11 “Beansprout and Yakky(deceased)” or

“Four Funerals and another Funeral” By Alice

Thunder rolled and lightning lit up the sky around the dark castle on the blasted heath. Bats fluttered around and slimy things crawled under rocks. Amid all this atmosphere, there was a faint whirring sound and then a small *phut*.

“BARTHOLOMEW!!!”

“Verily, my love?”

“The hairdryer is knackered again!” [And just think, today she’d say something like “Bugger my giddy aunt Sarah, the hairdryer’s f****d.”][or, ‘Well f**k me sideways with a stick and call me Nancy!’][I see that the writers' commentary will be adding a few years onto the recommended reading age...]

A peeping tom spying through the window would see a tall bespectacled man dressed in black carry the offending hairdryer to a table and begin working on it, humming ‘Oh come, oh come, E-ma-a-a-nu-el’ under his breath.

“Art thou dressed in the humble attire that our blessed lord has seen fit to grant us?"

“Yeah yeah whatever,” snaps a short woman, also in black. “Stupid boy, getting himself killed and dragging us all back to England for his stupid funeral.”

Bartholomew coughed. “Er… by God’s good grace um, do you think you could try obeying the commandment we discussed earlier, at least for the duration of the funeral?”

“No, don’t be so bossy!”

“Oh.”

* * * * * * * * * 

Beansprout stared at her reflection in the mirror critically.

“Looks nice,” Yakky encouraged her from the windowsill.

“I look like a stick of celery.”

“Nah. Besides you’re not exactly stick shaped anymore…” he trailed off as she gave him a look.[there certainly is this brief period where Yakky is just downright useless, and I mean that he even lacks the ability to blurt things out in an undignified though effective manner. He just kind of mumbles a lot, but then dying will do that to you]

“I don’t know if I feel right anyway, wearing green to a funeral. I mean black is too morbid, but it’s not exactly a party.”

“I wish it was.” Yakky said wistfully, “It’s the last party I’ll ever be invited to.”

“No one invited you.”

“I’m kind of supposed to be there.”

Someone knocked on the door and Beansprout answered it. Red, in a silver even gown swooped in and hugged her. “Are you still okay, love?”

“Mum! I’m fine!”

“Of course you are dear. Now hurry up, we’ll have to go in a minute.” Red glanced towards the corner where Yakky was sitting, looked puzzled for a second, shrugged and walked out.

“Your mum isn’t very normal is she?” Yakky commented.

“That’s good coming from a dead guy with a psychopath for a mother.” Beansprout raked the comb through her spiky hair, smoothed down her dress, and kicked the door open. “Let’s go.”

“Such a dramatist.” Mumbled Yakky, following her.

* * * * * * * * * *

 

“Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust…” What a strange lot of people the vicar thought as he read the service. In the blue corner, a vacant-looking woman in silver, her worried looking husband, an abnormally tall girl with too much red hair bawling her eyes out, a goth and a teenybopper along for moral support.

In the red corner, the other side of the grave, there’ s a fellow member of the cloth who smells of yak, a bunch of what looks like henchmen, and a rabbi, who I think is at the wrong funeral. Oh yes, not forgetting the immaculately styled woman and the skinny girl glaring at each other in an extremely unfriendly manner. He finished the service and stepped aside as Buffy took his place at the head of the grave. She cleared her throat, and looked around at her audience.

“We all know why we’re here. To pay our last respects to my son Yakky and say our goodbyes.”

Flibbage burst into fresh floods of tears. Sprout looked across to where Yakky was acting out a melodramatic death scene on a nearby tombstone and tried not to laugh.

“But, I have another reason,” Buffy continued. “I have an admission to make. I was wrong to behave the way I did a long time ago.”

Red and Barry glanced at each other in disbelief.

“I was wrong, and I’m sorry.” She wiped a tear from her eye. “I hope that we can bury our differences along with my son, and that our feud will die a death…”

Beansprout suddenly caught a movement in the corner of her eye, Yakky was running toward her, shouting something…

And Buffy looked up, her acting skills were perfect as she wiped crocodile tears away. “See you all in hell.” [I just got a burst of ‘Once more with feeling’ in my head there…][Buffy really does have a fondness for the 'SWERVE~!' moments doesn't she] 

Beansprout and Flibbage felt an icy wave pass over them, an explosion rung into the air, then everything went dark.

* * * * * * * * *

Flibbage opened her eyes very carefully, and nothing painful happened. Everything looked sort of washed out, but it was otherwise normal. There was the church, the cemetery, the huge smoky crater in the ground…

Ah.

“You okay?” Asked Yakky shakily, from where he was crouching by Beansprout who was still out cold.

“What the hell just happened?” Flib asked, trying to become faery sized, and failing. “And where’s my magic?? And why aren’t you dead??

“I dunno, my mother tried to kill everyone again.” He shook Beansprout hard. “Wake up wake up!”

“Why’s it all wishy-washy here?”

“I brought you to the spirit realm. Wake up!”

“You did what??!”

Suddenly there was a blast of punk guitar music and a deep voice saying “And all the girlies say I’m pretty fly (for a Rabbi))” and the rabbi from the Graveyard phased in.

“Oh no. Not you again.” Yakky growled.[he growled did he? Eheheh…]

“Mind yo’ manners!” said the rabbi in a voice that definitely didn’t match his song. “And let me remind you boy, of a few things called rules.”

“What did he do?” Beansprout asked, coming to suddenly and noticing the over-bearded stranger. “And who the hell are you?”

“I am…” The Rabbi began as he seemed to grow in height and his voice became like that of rolling thunder, “THE CELESTIAL WASTE-DISPOSER OF GAWD!!! And your friend just broke all the rules of the dead by bringing you into the spirit realm.”[Everyone should have replied to this with an harmonious "BAH GAWD!", going for the full on Oklahoman effect. No?]

“We’re dead!?!” Flib and Beansprout shouted, and glared in Yakky’s general direction.

“No, or my job would be a lot easier. You see I tell the dead what they have to do in the afterlife. Only problem is , you’re not technically dead, but you’re not alive either. You’re undead, or shades as we call you.”

“So this has happened before? You can take us back??!”

“Sadly no. But look on the bright side. You’re invisible; you can walk through walls and eat all you like without gaining a pound.”

“Why did you bring me here?” Yelled Beansprout at Yakky, “None of my family will ever be able to see me again!!!”

“Well I didn’t want you to end up dead like the oth…” Yakky began and then stopped.

There was a very long pause.

“Like who?” said Beansprout icily.

The Rabbi pulled out his list. “Aha yes, Red and Barry, Leeloo and Gypsophela, have all been killed in what seems to the police to be a terrorist bomb attack. I just sent them off for reincarnation.”

Beansprout sat still for a very long time staring into space.[She's going for the Mai 'wander around in a blank daze' approach to death...and if you'd watch Mai-HiME you'd understand]

“I’ll be around if you need me,” Said the rabbi cheerfully, before disappearing in a blast of adapted rock music.

“Umm… are you okay Sprout?” said Flibbage nervously. Beansprout glanced at her, her eyes empty.

“Whatever.”