# 41 "The chips of wrath!" By Alice" [I
dunno, chips of wrath/crepes of wrath, all the 'thing' titles
to be more original][ Actually stupid ,it was "Planet
of the Crepes" you are original, just stupid.]
find our heroes where we left them, in a pit, rapidly becoming a puddle
as it started to rain torrentially.
"Hmm," said J sarcastically I wonder what people will say when
they find our bones? Possibly, 'Alas at this stage in evolution, humans
could not escape pits, even when escorted by supernatural buddies
[Wish I'd written that-][
Haha I toyed with your episode]
"Flib, can you airlift us out or something?" Beansprout asked,
"Seeing as you have the wings and all."
"I'm not airlifting anyone, do you want me to get a hernia?"
"Can't you do a spell then?" Yakky asked, "My feet are
"Well I suppose I could always send our souls up to the top of the
pit, and the universe would say, 'oh no you don't-' and our bodies would
have to follow."
"Wouldn't it just move our souls back into our bodies?"
"What kind of crappy reasoning is that? Souls are way harder to move
"Then why don't you move our bodies?"
"You obviously just don't understand, Yakky, so shut up."
"Men," said Beansprout in despair, "no concept of the bizarre
and illogical rules of crypto physics. Do the spell-thing Flib."
Flib waved her faery wand;
In this pit we're getting wetter,
So move our souls somewhere slightly better!
There was the usual *Pop!* and assorted faery noise, accompanied by pinkish
green smoke which swirled to the top of the pit.
"Yay! It worked!" squeaked Flibbage gleefully.
"You call this better? My feet are still wet." Yakky whinged.
"It's still raining too," moaned J.
"I'M STILL IN THE FOLKING PIT!" Beansprout yelled from somewhere
"*Gasp!*," said Flibbage, "That must mean that *gasp!*
Sprout has no soul, *gasp!* Ow J, there's no need to hit me! It wasn't
"Oh sorry Flib, I thought you were choking on something."
"You should have tried the Heimlich manoeuvre," said Yakky helpfully.
"Are you kidding? She has fragile faery ribs!"
"I'm not fragile you imbecile-!"
"DOES NO-ONE CARE THAT I'M IN THE PIT?!"
"Oh Yakky, for god's sake pull her out of the pit."
Yakky did so. "Where's my goddamn soul?" she complained wiping
the mud off her dungarees onto other bits of her dungarees.
"No wonder you haven't got one if you refer to it as 'goddamn'. Let's
go back in and ask my mother," and the four of the edged back round
the pit and into the restaurant.
* * *
"How the hell am I supposed to know?" Cabbage grumbled at the
four teenagers, whilst searching in her handbag for allergy tablets, "I'm
the queen of Faerie not bloody
who controls souls, elf?"
"Yeah, that old omnipresent entity? He/She/It never did me any favours
"So I have precisely no soul, and no-one can even tell me why?"
"Ask your mother; maybe she made a dark deal with Satan. RED??!"
Red wandered over from a corner where she had secluded herself.
"This had better be good, I was writing a finale," she grumbled.
"MOTHER?! Where is my soul? Did you sell it to the antichrist?"
"Nah, I sold it to my little brother Fliain in return for some chips.
[NOTE: Alice actually did this.] [Yup,
and they were good chips too]
"Well when I was sixteen, I didn't plan on ever having a daughter."
Particularly not with Barry
will all work out in a few series][ Aha,
I see what you did there But you're still just trying to escape the horrible
fact that YOU WERE DARRY'S GIRLFRIEND!!!]
"Where can I find this Fliain?" growled our disgruntled protagonist.
"Well he's An elf, and he owns a faery-fast-food café called
"Running gag my dearest."
* * *
In a small immortal café in Nepal, a lanky pixie was marginally
surprised when a tall pigtailed girl wearing muddy dungarees with a cute
yellow duck on the front chopped viciously through his wall, closely followed
by a feral-looking blond boy, a faerie, and an immensely cool guy in a
black suit who bore no resemblance at all to Will Smith.
"Oi! My wall!"
"Where's my soul evil pixie?"
"I'm anELF! Well, if it isn't little Beansprout, would you like a
steak sandwich?" [Sadly if she'd said yes,
she'd have been given cheese and biscuits or beans on toast. Iain tried
to cook steak once, he cooked it for half an hour
it wasn't very
"NO! I WANT MY SOUL!"
Fliain looked guilty. "Ahaha
are you sure?"
"Only, I kind of ground it up and made it into seasoning, there's
only about a teaspoon left."
"AAAAA!!!" Beansprout screamed and proceeded to level the place
with the sword and varying obscenities.
"Heeey!" said Fliain, "Your mother is going to hear about
this young lady!" [Really he'd just say
"Oi!" ][-That's quite pleasant
compared to the list of expletives my sister would yell.]
"What do we do now?" said Yakky, reverting to the line he always
used when he hadn't said anything for a while.
"I dunno," J replied using 'sidelined man quote No.2"
"We'll track down everyone who ate my soul and get it back!"
raged Beansprout, brandishing her sword.
"But we already have one pointless time consuming quest. Can't we
just get you a new one?" whinged Yakky some more.
"Who the hell will give me a new soul?"
"Right," said Beansprout, hefting the Thing for Blah
[no wonder it's called the Sword of Slayskull, its other name takes too
damn long]"I'm going to find God."
WILL BEANSPROUT FIND GOD?
WILL GOD GIVE A DAMN?
WILL THE ELF PROVE USEFUL AT ALL EXCEPT FOR REMINDING CABBAGE OF WORDS
SHE HAS FORGOTTEN?
WELL I DON'T KNOW, TCHA, HONESTLY, DOES IT SOUND LIKE I HAVE THE ANSWERS
TO YOUR PETTY QUESTIONS, WHY DON'T YOU ASK GOD!