#42 "Cabbage has emotional angst." By Emily
[I apologise, Cabbage can be an extremely
troublesome character as alter egos go][She's the
Queen, she's entitled]
a brief interlude from the ongoing troubles of Beansprout and her entourage,
here are the events that befell Cabbage and Red whilst all this was taking
Upon their return to Faerie, Cabbage and Red realised to their dismay
there was not one alcoholic drink in the palace.
"Alas, there isn't even any Bailey's!" Cabbage said to Red.
"DAH!" Red exclaimed putting her eye up to the bottle, and promptly
collapsed from alcohol withdrawal. [It's sad
but true. I was going to do this bit of proofreading completely sober,
but unfortunately there was gin around]
"Don't worry my fermented-plant-matter-dependent friend! I will save
you!" Cabbage yelled, and as it was the alcohorse's day off, she
resolved that it couldn't be that hard to find a baileys tree, after all
this was Faerie. So she hopped into her '59 Chevy [sod
the pumpkin coaches and the chariots, what else would a Faerie Queen drive?],
and sped off down the road. [I Dunno, maybe a
66 Mustang. The Queen wouldn't be caught dead in a mini, no matter how
retro, let alone a Nissan Micra.]
* * *
Five miles later
"Crap!" said Cabbage as the rackety old car broke down, and
she got out to kick it.
"Gah!" said Cabbage as she stubbed her toe, then realised she
locked herself out.
"Argh!" said Cabbage as she realised her wand was back in the
"Nooooo!" said Cabbage as it began to rain.
"Can I help you fair lady?" said a masked man in a cloak prancing
out of the trees.
"Elf. Why are you wearing that ridiculous get-up?"
"Gah!" said the Elf, tripping over his cloak, "But it's
my disguised alter-ego, you aren't supposed to know it's me!"
[Because she's the QUEEN! And only villains can deceive the Queen!][
-Damn right, stupid Elf]
"Hahaha. Not supposed to know it's you. Fuck off Elf." And she
skulked off up the road in her flouncy green dress and kitten heels, in
an obtuse sulk. The Elf looked crestfallen. [I
don't remember this episode at all, but then, that's pretty usual] [
I expect you were drunk. I can't believe you forgot about Cabbage's Angst]
About fifteen minutes later, she met the elf Flom walking in the opposite
direction and smiling cheerfully at the raindrops. "Hello Cabbage!"
he said brightly.
"Fuck off! I hate all men! That includes you! Bastard!" she
replied frantically kicking mud at him.
"But Cabbage, I thought we were fr-" [Oh,
yes, I remember it now] -[Funnily enough, this episode doesn't
"FUUUUUCK OOOOOFF!!!" she screamed, and continued stalking down
the road. Flom shrugged and continued walking.
When she returned to the palace, Red was up and about again.
"Helloooo Cabby! Did you getsch any more bailiesch?"
"That's okay, cors I found some larrrrrgerrrrr- hic!"
* * *
"What I don't get," said J, "is if Sprout has no immortal
soul, then exactly what bit of her possesses her reanimated clone? And
how did you all traipse around the spirit world? I'm confused."
"Shut up," said Flibbage, "and stop exposing the loop holes
in the plot."
Everyone stared at her blankly.
"Hark! Let us go- uh- find a soul- Quoth!" she added, and everyone
continued as normal.
"I guess," mused Yakky, "Now we have some idea what the
dumb sword does, after we've got you a soul Sprout, we could all theoretically
"I'd rather destroy the NGSPIB, idiot."
(Inside Yakky's brain) Ohno! Now what's she pissed off about? Did I say
"Don't be stupid, finding out you've got no soul could sour anyone's
mood." Flibbage answered.
"Argh! Get out of my head!!!"
"Well excuse me Mr. 'The contents of my head are so private'!"
* * *
Well, now I feel really mean, thought Fliain, it wasn't as if it was nice
seasoning or anything
* * *
"// Fiddly dee
Red is so gorgeous//
// and her eyes are real pretty//
//And tra la la la
//So I wrote her a ditty
" sang Barry, underneath a balcony
in the Faery palace gardens.[Can you imagine him singing?]
"Wrong balcony!" resounded Cabbage's voice from above.
"Oops," said Barry, and scampered off into the trees, dragging
his mandolin behind him.
Cabbage walked out and leaned over the balcony, to survey her lands. Below,
Flom walked past, whistling a jaunty melody and carrying a rake.
"I HATE YOU FLOM!!!"
Just to make sure he'd heard her properly she took off her shoe and threw
it at him, then stomped back inside, drew all the curtains and screamed
into a pillow. [A la Lilo and Stitch - ][it's
a very angsty film if you discount the aliens.Actually, the thing with
the throwing of shoes has become a great in-joke in the various other
stories written by Tim and Tom, with such classic lines as 'The last elf
I dated threw her shoes at me' and 'Unable to stand it any longer, Emily
took off her left shoe and threw it]'
* * *
How does one find God? Beansprout couldn't think of any methods that didn't
involve years of quiet meditation and selfless acts. Her plan was to smash
artefacts of religious import and to scream obscenities in thunderstorms,
until God found her.
"We could go to gospel church?" J said.
"Or," Yakky added, "you could have a near death experience."
[That's just begging for a sarky comment like
"Oh, I'll wait five minutes, then, shall I?"][
-I don't get it.]
"I've got a plan!" trilled Flibbage.
"Ooh! What?" snapped Beansprout somewhat sarcastically.
"First we have to go to south west England."
"What? Not Nepal?"
Flibbage just gave her a LOOK, before waving her wand. The quartet found
themselves in a field surrounded by sheep. About two fields away, a man
on a tractor yelled 'Get orf my Property!' and ran to get his gun. [Aaaaaa!
It's Robert! ][Yeah but he'd be in France,
"Right! And now for my incantation!" said Flibbage, and raised
Deities don't have business in Devon,
But we would like to visit HEAVEN!"
*Bang, Shazam, twinkle, twinkle*
"That was the stupidest thing I ever heard," proclaimed Yakky
and Beansprout simultaneously, causing J and Flibbage to raise their eyebrows
at each other again. However, it certainly looked like heaven; angels,
harps, fluffy clouds, lots of white decor, tunnels filled with bright
"I thought it was really clever actually." Flibbage mumbled
to herself, but Beansprout didn't hear because she was marching purposefully
up to the nearest angel.
"We'd like to speak to God please," she began, trying to remember
to be polite to the higher being.
"Well, it's not really possible right now, you see there was this
military Coup, and now there's someone new in charge
"Not more bloody complications?! I don't care who's in charge, just
get me an appointment with them!" and come to think about it, given
the combined intelligence of our little crew, this was the point when
they should have thought twice. But as it was, they didn't. So the distressed
angel led them to the grand high THRONE ROOM OF GAWD. And there on God's
right hand side, was Jesus, albeit tied up and gagged, looking extremely
worried. In God's throne was a figure. A female figure. She had a perfect
haircut. She had expensive snakeskin boots. She had a fitted leather jacket.
She had a Gucci handbag.
"Hello again children," said Buffy.
DUM- DAH DUM DUM!
DUM- DAH DUM DUM DAAAAAA!
OHNO READERS, IT SEEMS THAT OUR HEROES HAVE STRAYED ACROSS BUFFY'S LATEST
PLOT! WHY WON'T SHE STAY DEAD?
WILL YAKKY BE HAPPY TO SEE HIS MOTHER?
WILL BUFFY BE ANY MORE SCARY THAN USUAL, CONSIDERING THAT J SHOT HER?
ALL THIS AND MORE, NEXT TIME IN INUBUYAKASHA!!!