#43 "Heaven is a shoe shop." By Ally
my God! Buffy is
GOD!!!" said J.
"Funny, that. Flibbage said that a long time ago. Those exact same
words-" Yakky replied.
"Yeah, but now it's true," said Flibbage most eloquently, "Aw
"Back Back!" the newly crowned Queen of Heaven
"Mmmpfle!" exclaimed Jesus.
"MUM! Why do you always have to do this?" said Yakky angrily,
"By the way, I missed you
"Oh dear," said J, "I killed her and now she's God. I'm
"WHEN YOU'VE ALL QUITE FINISHED?!" Beansprout shouted, waving
the sword around. "What the HELL do you think you're doing, Buffy?"
"Well I do have a long and detailed plan involving me bringing about
Armageddon, but I wouldn't want to bore you." Buffy replied carelessly.
"BORE ME BITCH!"
I'm really just bringing about Armageddon,"
said Buffy sheepishly.
"Oh. Well. Um
hah! You'll never get away with this!"
"Oh please, am I supposed to be afraid of a little girl with no soul?"
"She has too!" [wouldn't
'a soul' be better?][ No, because unlike Flibbage, Yakky isn't
very eloquent when annoyed, so he reverts to childish behaviour.]
"Shut up Yakky, you can't fool me, I'm God." Buffy clicked her
fingers and the four intrepid heroes found themselves chained up just
like Jesus. "Now if you don't mind, I have an Apocalypse to attend
to. War! Famine! Pestilence! Death!"
Four figures emerged from a celestial portal (i.e. Pearly-white door).
"Gah!" said Flibbage, those are Faeries! It's your uncle Fliain
and that other one- Flom!"
"Hi guys," said Famine and Pestilence [Appropriate
"Who are those other two?"
"Flucey and Fhloey, you don't know them." Buffy interrupted,
"Now shut up and stay put while we go and end all humanity."
Hmm, thought Beansprout I must be cunning and find out how long we've
got to free ourselves. "How long will that take?"
"One galactic week." Buffy said, sweeping out with her horsepersons.
"J?" Flib asked.
divide by two, carry the three, advanced trig and some
"Feh! That goddamn mother of mine!!! [Says
Yakky for the first, last and only time] What's the point anyway?"
"Oh come on, since when has Buffy needed a motive other than blind
hatred?" Beansprout replied, "Flib, plan time!"
"Hmm," said Flibbage, reverting to her tiny self, which caused
the ropes to fall uselessly to the floor. "Tell you what. I'll untie
you guys, then we'll find Buffy and kill her and all the horsepersons
with the Sword of Slayskull."
"Buffy's dead already, and why kill the horsepersons? And how come
I was a ghost with no soul? And how come all those random people are the
horsepersons anyway? WHYYY???"
"Mmpf mmh MMFFHH!!!"
"I don't know, why don't you ask Jesus?" said Flibbage, as she
finished untying the others and took off Jesus' gag.
"Ta love," said Jesus.
"Dah! I mean, thanks Jesus, I'm sure you didn't mean to sound like
a cockney pub owner." [why
is she thanking him? He didn't do anything! (Sorry Jesus)][ I don't
know why don't we ask the Stupid-Head who wrote the episode, as opposed
to blaming the innocent typist for everything?]
"I am a cockney pub owner, love. I reside in all God's children."
Jesus said sounding quite hurt.
"Do you have the answers Jesus?" asked Yakky.
"Yes my son. I have all the answers."
"Well?" snapped Beansprout.
"No, you can't kill Buffy, don't kill the other horsepersons because
they are amusing to poke fun at, you can be a ghost without a soul, just
a sinful ghost and the horsepersons are those people because God thought
it would be good to spice up their lives a bit."
"Thanks Jesus! Wait, do you mean God as in Buffy?"
"No, I mean God as in my mother."
"Well where is she?"
"She's on holiday. Did you really think Buffy could fight God and
win?" [well, she fought a goddess
that's a Buffy that our Buffy isn't really based on at all, apart from
the name and the occasional joke -][Once again YOU
"Okay, Okay." Beansprout grumbled, "Let's go and save the
"Can I come?"
"Only if you've got special Jesus-powers." [I
wrote that, haha, stealing your thunder].
"Hey!" said Yakky, "I'll have no part in killing-"
"Quiet Jesus, -my mum."
Beansprout stared at him. "But Yakky, we need you!"
"No you don't," he said stubbornly, "you can all take care
of yourselves, especially you, Sprout," he continued thinking, now
she'll beg to me to come along, maybe she'll declare her undying love
"Duh! You know what happened last time! If us four don't work together
the whole world gets screwy!"
"That ploy really crashed and burned," whispered J to Yakky,
"Well, tough, I'm staying," he said, sulkily and sat down, "come
back when you're finished."
"Yakky, don't be an idiot
" Beansprout began.
"Ah, leave him to sit there if he's gonna be a baby," Flibbage
said, "I have a better plan
To stop the world getting mangled and bloody
We'll borrow Yakky's understudy!"
"What in the seven hells? - Oh no, not you again," growled Inu-Yasha.
"Want to help us kill a woman with perfect hair and some rogue Faeries?"
"Nyurgh rrgh mutter mutter fine."
"Now can we go? Time is ticking away, because of certain LOSERS and
their PATHETIC BABYISH WHINING!"
"Okay, unless J chickens out too, in which case I'll have to summon
Ali G, which I'd rather not do."
"I'm cool," said J, stating the obvious.
"Great! Yakky, stay right there and try not to break heaven. J, got
"Flib, got magic?"
do you have fleas?"
"Just the one, and he'll run away if there's danger," said the
half demon, scratching his head.
"Flibbage, say the words."
"This certainly is no time for mirth,
Take us back to planet Earth!"
[my spells are SHITE! ][Actually,
your original spell had 'Tumpty tumpty tumpty
Girth' as the first
line. I was attempting to salvage a really atrocious spell.]
"Bastards," muttered Yakky, scowling at the spot where they'd
been standing, and not accepting that it was entirely his own fault.
* * *
They materialised back in Devon, where ill-fated omens were taking place
left right and center.
"Rivers of blood, darkening sky, Westlife at No.1
this is scary
stuff," Beansprout commented, "Everyone ready to kick that bitch's
exfoliated butt?" [that's actually a disgusting
line. ] [Well who wrote it? Uh- YOU!]
"Yup," said Flibbage, brandishing her wand.
"No problems," said J, raising the Noisy Cricket.
"Nah, forget it." Inu-Yasha replied from a tree.
"WHAT!?" Beansprout yelled up at him.
"I've just remembered I don't do anything unless there's a Shikon
"Or Kagome," Flibbage reminded him.
"Nnyargh!!! That's not true!" he yelled falling out of the tree.
"Oh, get on with it. There won't be any shards or Kagome left to
run around after if you don't help us."
"Alright, alright. And I don't run around after Kagome!!!"
HOW MUCH PRECIOUS TIME IS LEFT BEFORE THE END OF THE WORLD?
WILL THEY HAVE ENOUGH TO FIND BUFFY AND STOP HER?
WILL YAKKY REALISE WHAT A PRAT HE'S BEING?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON INUBUYAKASHA!