#44 "The importance of being soulless." By Emily.
squeaked Cabbage, "The world is ending again, my tea leaves told
me so!" She stood in the corridor outside Red's apartment in the
palace, nervously hopping from one foot to the other, and clutching an
empty mug with 'Ciao Bella!' on the side [Because
in this reality, one's mother does not take one's favourite souvenir mug
and callously break it, ][-or if she does, she meets
with the magical WRATH OF CABBAGE!!!].
"And what's that, tea leaves? Today, you may face confrontations
with annoying people
Just at that second, the door burst open, and Barry was thrown out into
the corridor. A flowerpot followed and struck him in the forehead.
"AND STAY OUT!!!" Red yelled from inside. [
I'm going to imagine real life actually went this way, and I dumped him,
instead of him 'breaking up' (snarl) with me][ -Because
it's not dumping if you 'Break up'. What a loser man
sat on the floor and looked dolefully at Cabbage.
"Isn't she meeeeeean!?" he whined.
"Out of my palace." intoned the Faerie Queen, pointing towards
the nearest exit.
"Yes Cabbage," he replied mournfully and walked off like a kicked
"MEN!" said the two friends to each other as Red opened the
door to check he was gone.
"Look at all the 666's everywhere, it's not as if Faeries are demonic!"
said Cabbage with an air of righteous indignation.
"Aw, the children will sort it out," Red replied, wrinkling
her nose at the contents of the mug Cabbage was brandishing. [Because
Cabbage drinks black tea, which gives Red a headache][
That's because Red is a skanky coffee drinker and Cabbage has style.]
"Indeed, but in case they don't, let's go have a drink." Something
that only gives Red a headache when she really deserves it
* * *
One of the more senior henchmen at the NGSPIB [which
by some amazing chance can also refer to No Good Stupid Piece-of-shit
Insensitive ex-Boyfriends][ I LIKE IT!!!]
HQ looked at his reports and said "WHAAAAT!!?"
"Duh?" said a lesser henchman.
"Buffy's trying to bring about Armageddon from beyond the grave!"
"Doesn't she ever give up? How do we know that then?"
[Because she's your ALLY! Although being stupid henchmen you wouldn't
"Oh we have our informant in Faerie, those damn elves know everything."
"Dammit. And just when we were finalizing a plan to regain our hold
on planet Earth!"
* * *
23 minutes 19 seconds later, Yakky suddenly thought; Folk! What the hell
am I doing sulking in a tree when the only three people in the world I
give a damn about are risking their asses trying to save the world from
my mother, who is in fact, already dead, and a psychopath!?" He jumped
down from the tree, frantically thinking 'how can I get to them before
the world ends?'
Nestled in between the roots of the tree was an unmistakeable small gold
envelope, with Flibbage's scrawly handwriting on the front.
"Just in case you've changed your mind."
opened it, and a small flurry of faerie dust sparkled out into the air,
just enough for one spell. He read the accompanying note;
I despair, really I do, stupid man. Read this spell aloud.
'The world is ending,
(Which isn't good)
I'd like to be there if I could.
Alas for me, I'm not an elf,
But a stupid, lazy daft werewolf.
(Hey! thought Yakky to himself, that's a bit harsh)
Still, I'd rather not hang about,
So I'll use this dust to get to Sprout.
(And Flibbage and J, but not if they're all over the place as it could
And suddenly he found himself amongst his friends as they battled the
denizens of hell in
you've guessed it, Nepal!
"Yakky, where they hell have you BEEN!?" raged Flibbage.
"Yeah, we could really use some help about now!" said J
"Feh." Said Inu-Yasha.
"WHY NEPAL!??" screamed Beansprout, impaling demons left, right
"Sorry." Yakky mumbled.
"Yeah, well we thought it'd take you, what, three minutes to change
your mind? And now we have what, fifteen minutes to save the universe!"
Flibbage roared, brandishing a manky clock on a piece of string, it was
counting backwards. Stroppily she aimed her wand at Inu-Yasha and zapped
him back to feudal Japan with a disgruntled 'Feeeeeehhhhhhhhhh
is there a plan?"
"Well," said Sprout, testily dispatching the last denizen and
dragging a terrified faerie out of a nearby bush, "We found this
rather useless elf called Flamilla, who it turns out, is Buffy's alter-ego,
and if we can bring them together they'll neutralize and turn into one
well-balanced personality known as Campfy."
"Well it's simple and ingenious, if somewhat illogical," Yakky
"And we're using Flibbage's magic to track the center of the apocalypse,
which turned out to be Nepal- GODAMMIT!"
"When did the trail ever not lead to Nepal..?"
"When it led to Devon?" asked J. [or
Outer Mongolia when we got it wrong]
"That was merely a matter of rhyming couplets."
And they would have continued wasting time in this pointless manner until
all hell broke loose, but just then The Great Beast with seven heads and
seven crowns whose name was Wormwood and had a great liking for the number
six and who was the favourite pet of the Whore of Babylon sauntered round
the corner, drooling and looking hungry.
"Aii!" said Flibbage and Flamilla, "It's the Beast!"
"Well then lets KILL IT!" said Beansprout, drawing her sword.
"You can't!" squeaked Flamilla, "You can only imprison
it or distract it
"I'll do it!" said J heroically, "you guys keep going!"
"No J, you'll be killed!" said Yakky, and then mentally slapped
himself for saying something only a girl should say.
"It's the way it has to be," said J over the pounding of approaching
footsteps, "You guys know that the only people to escape apocalyptic
movies are the Hero(ine), the love interest, the dorky sidekick and the
occasional annoying child or animal. The black guy always dies in an act
of tragic self-sacrifice!"
"Ooh. Good point!" said Flamilla approvingly.
"Number one, I AM NOT DORKY!" yelled Flibbage, "Number
two, how did you know that?" she added suspiciously.
"Bwuh?" said Yakky and Beansprout.
"Never mind, just keep running!" yelled J, and launched himself
at the Beast, guns blazing.
Obligingly, they ran.
* * *
Four minutes fifteen seconds later, they found Buffy, surrounded by her
four Horse people of Extra. [Extra? Whaaat?][
They're extras and I couldn't think of a better name][. -Confused
"Aha!" said Flibbage turning them into novelty War Hammer figurines.
[Heehee, I'm a genius
"Double Aha!" said Beansprout, flinging the unsuspecting Flamilla
"You're still too late! Hahahahaha-!" Cackled Buffy as she began
"Curse you Salazar!" yelled Flamilla, also dissolving.
"Oh what the HELL is this?!" muttered Campfy brushing mud off
her stylish yet decidedly well-balanced shoes.
Armageddon just kept happening.
"Gah! Buffy was right!" yelled Flibbage over rising wind, "Beansprout,
Yakky, go to the Hell mouth-type-thing, see if you can stop this! Me and
Campfy will go back and face certain death in a foolish attempt to rescue
J!" [Campfy and I! Dear God I'm a grammar
freak, NOOOO!!!][ Flibbage cares as much about grammar
as her mother does]
"Right!" said Beansprout slapping her Faery friend a high-five,
"Just don't die!"
"You too, and no being a tragic eastern film heroine either!"
[I liked the manga heroine! What happened to
the manga heroine?][ It's not just manga though.
My media laws have to make sense].
"Whatever," said Beansprout as she grabbed Yakky by the arm
and began hurtling towards the apex of the fire, brimstone and wind.
* * *
Nine minutes, twenty-five seconds on, bits of the ground were beginning
to split apart under their feet as they reached what had to be the Hell
mouth. Tremors rumbled, nearly knocking them down.
"Argh! We really are too late!" screamed Sprout desperately,
wind whipping her hair around her face.
Yakky remembered something Red had said, seemingly a lifetime ago in Pizza
Hut, something about happy endings. Frankly, he didn't care if he ever
had another adventure, as long as the world would still be there
"Sprout!" He yelled trying to make himself heard over the noise.
"I love you!"
Beansprout looked at him, gobsmacked, then she too had a realisation.
She held up her hand and crossed her fingers. "Better hope Flibbage
is wrong then." She said.
"If I'm a tragic eastern film heroine, we're just as doomed. Cos'
you'll be sure to die, hell I might too, Flibbage and J are as good as
dead already." She looked around morosely at the violently self-destructing
planet. "It's not even as if I had a soul to love
AND HERE WE ARE AVID READER ON WHAT IS POSSIBLY THE BIGGEST CLIFFHANGER
IN INUBUYAKASHA HISTORY!
WILL THEY AVERT THE APOCALYPSE?
WILL FLIBBAGE, J AND CAMPFY SURVIVE?
DOES BEANSPROUT LOVE YAKKY?
MORE IMPORTANTLY, WILL SHE EVER TELL HIM?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME, IN THE SEASON FINALE OF INUBUYAKASHA!