#49 "The Time and Space of That Old Dude with the 'Tache (But far
FOLK! FOLK!" Beansprout screamed, launching herself repeatedly at
the door of the hostage cell. This had little effect other than to bruise
her slightly. The NGSPIB had confiscated the Sword of Slayskull and the
Noisy Cricket, so without Flibbage's planning ability or magic, they were
pretty much screwed.
In the corner, Yakky and J were trying to revive Flibbage.
"Coffee granules?" suggested Yakky.
"Don't be stupid, man!"
"We don't have any of that either!"
"Is she even alive?"
"I can't tell, she's too little and you're distracting me!"
Yakky paused for thought. "Beansprout, stop being futile and masochistic,
we need your brain! How can we revive tiny things?"
"20V of electricity, everyone knows that, foolish men!" she
replied, wandering over in a slight daze. "This is so gonna folk
up the past. Flibbage and J have been kidnapped twice, and Yakky and I
have been kidnapped -but also not."
"It does explain why they didn't look for us very hard the first
time," put in Yakky. J was busy looking around for anything that
could supply exactly 20V of electricity. The cell seemed to have previously
been some kind of storage office, and was full of broken and dismantled
pieces of machinery. Unfortunately, none of it seemed suitable for weaponry.
"However, don't worry about it, until we've revived Flib, she's kinda
the priority right now." Yakky said putting an arm around Beansprout's
"Or the capture problem," Beansprout agreed leaning her head
on his shoulder.
A short while later J emerged from the pile of rubbish brandishing a dangerously
sparking vibrating sheep [I tried to think of
something PG and amusing, but I couldn't, so live with it].
"Guys, do you think this would work?- Oh for God's sake, get a room
"Sorry J. Hmm- that should work, although what the NGSPIB were using
it for doesn't bear thinking about." Beansprout commented, taking
the sheep and holding it above Flibbage. "Now what we need is a particularly
A particularly large shock leapt from the sheep into Flibbage shocking
Beansprout in the process.
"FOLK!" cried Flibbage in alarm and sat up abruptly. Her hair
crackled with sparks.
"Ow, ow, ow-ow!!!" Beansprout yelped, clutching her hand.
"Wicked!" said Yakky, "Glad you're okay Flib."
"Okay? OKAY!? You call THIS okay!?"
"Yeah, well I know we got ourselves captured by the NGSPIB which
probably isn't good for the space-time situation but-"
"NO YOU FOOL! MY HAIR!!! Look at my HAIR DAMMIT!!!"
J filled her in on the details of their predicament whilst Yakky decided
it was his moral duty to comfort his girlfriend over the electrocuted
"Hmm, this is indeed a pickle WILL YOU TWO PLEASE STOP THAT?!"
"Now how are we going to get out of this mess you've gotten us into?"
"We were kind of hoping you'd have a plan," J said hesitantly.
"Why do I always have to think of the plan? Are you stupid? No! I'm
completely knackered, I can't even use any magic I'm so tired."
2 nudged Henchman 26 [only the special NGSPIB
agents get letters you know]. "When do you think those
kids'll be along then?"
"I don't." Henchman 26 said quickly.
"Oh come on, they always turn up just in time to foil the Boss's
plans," Henchman 2 continued oblivious to his friends pointed saluting.
"They're a bit late come to think of it."
"They won't be coming because THE BOSS'S plan was great," Henchman
26 said, frantically winking and kicking Henchman 2 in the shins.
"Ow! What was that for, you Idiot! Anyway his plans
always suck and- oh God he's standing right behind me isn't he?"
Before Henchman 2 could begin to babble an apology, Mr. NGSPIB had shot
him in the back of the head.
"Moose," muttered the enigmatic villain, kicking the corpse
out of his way. "And as for you
" he added, turning to
Henchman 26 who whimpered and shut his eyes, "
did you really
like my plan?"
"Yes sir! It's a great plan sir!"
"Yay! Hail! Hail!" Mr. NGSPIB made strange bowing motions towards
the confused Henchman.
"What is the plan
?" asked Henchman 26, nervously.
"Well seeing as you liked it so much, I'll tell you," Mr. NGSPIB
answered illogically. "You see, years ago, before I had risen to
the eminent position I hold within the NGSPIB now, I was working in Nepal,
when one day we caught the same people twice, as can happen in our line
of work. What stuck in my mind was that they were
well let's just
say I had personal ties with these kids. So recently, when I formulated
my excellent plan to capture Faerie, I saw how I could use the past to
help me in my efforts." Mr. NGSPIB led the perturbed Henchman along
the refurbished shiny steel passages of the Temple of Choom. "During
the time I spent on reconnaissance in Faerie, I studied all I could about
time-hop spells, and calculated my portal so that they'd have to go back
past the time in question. I then travelled back in time and planted a
leeching device [ooh gadgets, very spy
in the guise of a dangerously sparking vibrating sheep where I knew those
pesky kids would find it. The conventions state that Beansprout would
be the one to revive Flibbage with it, immediately leeching away Flibbage's
magic and Beansprout's ability to wield magical weapons. These two factors,
under our control give us an edge in the war for Faerie.
"So we can infiltrate the Kingdom?" Henchman 26 said, enjoying
his literary promotion to sceptical confidante. "Surely the Queen
and Red can tell the difference between their beloved daughters and NGSPIB
agents, even if they do have sarcastic and magical powers."
"Yes," said Mr. NGSPIB opening a door, with a strange, incredibly
smug smile on his face. "Yes they would. You're absolutely right."
Henchman 26 looked at the contents of the room, and did a double take.
"Jesus Christ!" he breathed in awe.
upon a time in a cell, our heroes were sitting around looking bored and
at a loss and in Flibbage's case, drained.
"I feel really odd," she whined again.
Beansprout was staring quizzically at a shard of metal from the junk heap.
She'd been staring at it for quite some time.
"I knew it!" she said suddenly.
"This is Hydrothroxymoxypoxy alloy!"
The others looked at her blankly.
"It's a fragment of the hull from Deepwater YAK," Beansprout
"Oh of course!"
"I knew that!"
"There are bits of it all over the room," our heroine added,
picking over the junk piles. "They must have found the wreck, they've
taken it apart pretty thoroughly."
"But hang on, it shouldn't even be here yet," Yakky said. "You
and I crash it into a mountain on the way to rescuing these two from here,
just before Ynri summoned us."
"Yeah, that was your explanation
" sniggered Flibbage.
"This must be
like a dumping ground for all NGSPIB rubbish
from all times." Beansprout mused, still sorting through rubbish,
"I mean, look here, there's a picture of us four in Disneyland, and
we haven't been there yet."
"Wow!" said J
"Disneyland man! Yeah!" Whooped Yakky and slapped him a high-five.
"Returning to the POINT, why would the NGSPIB take the ship to pieces?
I mean, they built it," mused Flibbage.
"Folk knows," Beansprout replied, "They must have been
looking for something
the Faerie Realm, Cabbage and red were in the garden, drunk as ever.
"What I'm Shaying," Cabbage slurred, "Ish that nothin'
can feel thish forebodey and not be worth even a lil' tiny bit of worry."
Red flapped her hands around dismissively and shook her head. "You
worry too much. Besides, we had a happy turnip."
"Thass the one. An'
that means we don' hafta worry
'bout shit 'til the sequel. An' the sequel's always piss-easy an' unoriginal."
"I schtill reckon
oh wait here come the kids
Cabbage simultaneously standing up and falling over.
Beansprout, Flibbage Yakky and J had entered the garden, Beansprout nonchalantly
carrying the Sword of Slayskull; J the Noisy Cricket and Flibbage was
spangly beyond all belief with magic.
Cabbage and Red squinted at them. Even in a drunken state something didn't
seem quite right, but they knew their daughters when they saw them.
"Hi Sprout." Red said cheerily, expecting to be reprimanded
for her drunkenness. She was shocked to have Beansprout return her bright
smile. "Are you Okay Sprout? You look- sort of pale
"I'm fine Mum," smiled Beansprout.
Cabbage finally hauled herself to her feet, "Why y'all back sho soon?
Anything wrong? Because I had thish-"
Beansprout shook her head firmly. "Everything's fine," she answered,
looking around the garden, taking in the warmth and colour, "It's
just good to be back here," she said with a smirk.
AGAIN I ASK YOU WHO IS MR. NGSPIB?
IF YOU DON'T KNOW YET, YOU'RE PROBABLY A RETARD,
DON'T WORRY; THE BIG DECLOAKMENT IS NEXT EPISODE! OOH!
WHO ARE THE MYSTERIOUS USURPERS?
HOW WILL THEY ESCAPE THE IMPENETRABLE [HAH NO SUCH
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON