#51 "The Nerds! The Nerds!" By Alice
said Beansprout, shooting another round of guards, "is it this bit
we've passed four times, or five?"
"Seven." J answered glumly.
"Aren't you meant to know your way around this place?"
"I've never been here before! I was trained in the Philadelphia branch
of the NGSPIB."
"Feh," said Yakky grumpily, "we can avert apocalypses and
defeat super villains but we can't find out way out of a stupid building!"
"Well why don't you just sniff out the exit, Dog-boy?" J snapped.
"Because I have a cold,
"Oh shut up," said Beansprout. "We just need to-"
"Heads up! Guards!" Flibbage squeaked. Messy shooting followed.
"-ask directions," Beansprout finished. The boys instantly turned
not asking stupid directions, only girls ask for directions
asking for directions huh that's so gay
Beansprout rolled her eyes. There was the sound of approaching footsteps
and as the NGSPIB agent rounded the corner she rammed her gun into the
appearing face, shoved the agent up against the nearest wall and said
"Could you direct us to the nearest exit please?"
"J?" the woman said with surprise, completely ignoring Beansprout,
which annoyed her just a tiny bit.
"L?" J answered, looking surprised and Yakky's intense amusement,
"Tch!" L complained. "I was coming to rescue you, and for
what? - Ooh, look at all these dead people!"
"Friend of yours?" Flibbage asked J.
"Yeah we saved the planet once or twice."
L easily swatted Beansprout out of her way, and handed J the Noisy Cricket.
"Here you go. Now follow me everyone."
"Hey!" snarled the marginalized Beansprout. "Just tell
us the way out of here, and go ogle the dead or whatever."
L stared at her in her scary morgue manner. "Now what I've realised
that none of these other imbeciles know is that you're from the future
and there's something bigger than usual going on here. And J is my friend,
so I'm asking you. Do you want your sword back? Does the Faery want her
magic back? Do you want to get back to the right time?"
"Dammit!" Muttered Beansprout as she realised she'd be forced
to say yes.
"Well then. Come with me, I've got something to show you."
"Ey up," murmured Yakky to J, who hit him.
* * *
"This," L said, leading them into a computer room "is Nerd
Central, the place where we put all the really annoying agents and let
them study useless crap."
"Hey, stop studying my sword!" Beansprout shouted at a pale
pimply man in square glasses. "It's not useless crap!"
"Agent Neerg, give the girl her sword, she's volatile." L said.
Neerg did so. "Now fetch the Remagicking-Doohickey and the Bucket
"Neee awright Agent L
"Wow L, you're great at this leadership stuff," J said dreamily.
woo go j
"Are you head of the Nerds then?"
not so great j
"Nah." Said L emotionlessly.
"Ahaha, of course you wouldn't be."
"..Nice recovery j
Beansprout and Flibbage perched themselves on a desk nearby and started
eating the Nerds doughnuts. The Nerds didn't dare try to stop them.
"I hate being sidelined as a character." Beansprout muttered.
"You're not supposed to know that." Flibbage squinted suspiciously.
"Besides, the current marginalization of the primary protagonist
will only continue if L joins us."
"Over my bullet-ridden carcass."
Neerg handed L a small thing that looked like a joystick and a bucket.
L handed them to J.
"Press this button to give Flibbage back her magic, the other button
will de-frizz her hair."
"No frizz?! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!"
"And this device is the Bucket of Time, a retired model of the Inter-dimensional
Portaloo. All you have to do is hold the handle and use one of Flibbage's
time-hop spells, and it will emphasise the spell's power tenfold."
"Okay L," sighed J wistfully.
"Just wait one Folking second!" Beansprout snarled. "Why
are you helping us? You're one of the NGSPIB! You're all evil! Excepting
"DON'T QUESTION THE WOMAN, JUST DE-FRIZZ ME!!!"
"Well isn't it obvious?" said L with something bordering on
"I'm madly in love with J!" said L, then hauled him over to
her and snogged him.
Beansprout and Flibbage grimaced; Yakky was too busy convulsing with laughter
"Yakky and I will never subject you to that ever again," Beansprout
told Flibbage solemnly.
bollocks you won't
While they were waiting for J to recover his composure, and Yakky his
breath, Beansprout remagicked and de-frizzed Flibbage and they all gathered
around the bucket.
"Right!" said Flibbage in her sparkly magical manner;
Smells of Pee,
Takes us where we're meant to be!"
She clicked her heels together three times for effect.
There was an ominous slosh from the Bucket of Time and they arrived in
Faerie, present day.
"Folk." Said Beansprout.
HAS BEANSPROUT SEEN TO MAKE HER LAPSE INTO INAPPROPRIATE LANGUAGE?
AS IF IT WAS A RARE OCCURRENCE.
BLAH BLAH BLAH?
YADA YADA- YADA YAH!