#52 "The land of reality" By Emily
recap, "Folk," said Beansprout. For they stood in the grounds
of the Faerie palace, but things were very wrong. For a start the sky
had that stereotypical angry red look, the trees were all dead and there
was lots more mud than usual.
"Eep! We seem to have rather overshot the mark." J yelped.
"Hehe, you said Eep." sniggered Flibbage, without really lightening
the mood. Especially since they'd popped into existence in the center
of a once ornamental, now slimy, fishpond.
"This definitely doesn't bode well," Yakky added, solemnly squelching
his feet. A dead fish with black stripes around its eyes floated past.
"OH NO!!!" cried Flibbage, scooping up the slimy corpse, "They've
killed Alice-Cooper-Fins!!! The Bastards!!! WAUUUUUGHHH!" She let
out a loud sob and silently fumed for a while, then raised her wand menacingly.
"No-one messes with my fish, whoever is responsible for this is gonna
Killing my pets is downright mean,
For answers, I seek the Faerie Queen!"
And without further ado, she used the fabled Faerie-Fat-Heifer-Transfer
(as used to escape Bill Gates) spell and two bewildered mules found themselves
up to their knees in slimy pond water.
* * *
Deep in the newly constructed dungeons of the palace [before
there had just been a really good pit and a lion if I know Cabbage]
Cabbage was chained up with proper iron chains (faeries hate iron) and
was watching a stalactite form on the ceiling when her daughter appeared
in a shower of angry red sparks surrounded by her friends.
"Took your time," mused the Faerie Queen listlessly, "literally,
"We've come back to rescue everyone- although why it always has to
be us that does the hard work, I don't know." Beansprout chided her.
"Oh don't you start, spawn of evil."
"Oh for goodness sake! How do you think the NGSPIB always knew our
plans? BARRY RUNS IT! That's why!!!"
"@*$£!~#&%^!?!" yelled Beansprout. "Why is my
family so Folking dysfunctional?! ARGH!!!" And at this point, the
henchmen who had run to see what all the kerfuffle was about captured
* * *
Meanwhile, Barry was seated on the throne in the great hall, rearranging
the crown of Faerie on his head.
"Don't you think you should get a more, uh
"No way, this one is just so sexy!" Barry replied, tipping the
tiara at a jaunty angle, "Just watch, watch this." He clapped
his hands authoritatively. "Agent C? C, come in here please!"
A female agent walked in, her dark hair swept back into a ponytail.
"C, don't I look sexy in this cool tiara?" C sighed, and with
a withering look, walked out again.
"I told you so." Oddball remarked.
"Shut up, shut up SHUT UP!!!"
"Fine Fred- fine."
Just then there was a knock at the door and several burly henchmen entered,
dragging Beansprout, Flibbage Yakky and J along with them.
"Not you again!!!"
"Dad!" fumed Beansprout, "You are so dead when I get at
Barry assumed his evil villain pose, rather spoilt by the tiara,
"Yes that's right dearest daughter, I am the leader of the NGSPIB!"
"I know that!"
"Dammit! Anyway, now my plan to takeover is complete and soon I will
progress to the real world, because that's where Buffy made her mistake,
she didn't go for the root of the problem, this damn magical realm! But
you kids! You just won't go away! Buffy killed you- TWICE- yet you came
back! We've locked you up, sent you back in time, stolen your magic and
weapons, and yet you come back! Well that's going to change because I've
got a spell that'll sort you out for good!" he picked up a wand (Being
ruler of Faerie has benefits you know, and magic is the first) and took
Imagine the scene matrix style. The camera zooms in to the point of the
wand, where in slow motion the spell emerges as a ball of glowing white
light, the camera pans back out and tracks around to Barry's point of
view as the spell begins to travel through the air towards our heroes.
Suddenly things assume normal speed and the lightening ball rockets towards
"Stop." Said Flibbage calmly raising a hand.
Cue; a freeze-frame and one of those great 360* bullet time shots of
"Wow Flibbage, that was so cool!" J said looking around in disbelief
at the frozen scene as Yakky experimentally poked a Henchman in the ribs.
"Folking amazing." Beansprout added, quickly tying another's
shoelaces together, "what did you do?"
"Well, I was really angry about my fish at first, so I never thought
about it, but as the daughter of the deposed Queen and rightful heir to
the throne, I've become the main protagonist, so I get special powers
"But," said Yakky, who as only a semi-human, understood a little
better, "Beansprout just found out her dad is the villain!"
"Rightful heir to the throne trumps daughter of the villain."
"Oh okay then, what do you want to do about the scary spell then?"
he asked wandering over to the ball of light.
"Don't touch it! It's volatile and I don't know what kind of spell
"Let's send it back to Barry!" said J with considerable glee.
"But that's my Dad! Actually, no, Folk it, nuke him anyway."
Said Beansprout, making rude gestures in front of her father's face. "See
Yakky, it does not trouble me to dispose of my evil murdering parent."
Flibbage ignored them as she concentrated on the ball of magic. With a
grimace of effort, she grabbed it and turned it around in the air. Then
she motioned everybody back into their places.
"Go!" she yelled, and time resumed its normal rate. The magic
zoomed back towards Barry, and although Oddball and C dived for cover,
he didn't even flinch as it stopped about 0.713mm away from his face.
"Nice try Flibbage," he said with a smile, "But I had a
feeling you'd try that, so I made this a spell which bounces." Before
they could say 'Folk' it zipped back and hit them, and they disappeared
in a stereotypical puff of smoke.
said Emily indignantly. "That wasn't supposed to happen!" and
with an annoyed squeaky noise she dropped her metal, nervous-personality
chew-proof biro. What she didn't then expect was for the writing to continue
on its own.
second thing the ruler of Faerie inherits," said Barry "Is a
complete knowledge of the seven key concepts of media and the ability
to manipulate the science of Generics. Media Language, Institution, Genre,
Representation, Audience, Ideology and Narrative! I have them all!!!
*Pan out pan out pan out*
*Cut to black. 'Boom!' Cue graphic*
TO BE CONTINUED
WHAT WAS THE SPELL?
HOW WILL EMILY AND ALICE RESCUE THEIR PLOT FROM BARRY'S EVIL CLUTCHES?
HOW WILL RED AND CABBAGE COPE?