#48 "Back to the future from a past where we didn't want to be anyway
3" By Emily.
first task, of course is to get those blasted children out of my way,"
said Mr. NGSPIB to Oddball, who nodded furiously in agreement, "That's
why Buffy never got away with it; she couldn't even kill them properly.
But I'll get rid of them, ahahahar."
Oddball grinned. "And what cunning plan do you have in mind, Fred?"
"Dammit Oddball, I don't even know anyone called Fred!"
"Anything you say Fred, so what about this plan?"
"It's in operation already, and I'll tell you about it as soon as
I've stopped engaging my brain in subconsciously pointing my feet at that
girl over there."
Oddball sighed wistfully.
* * *
"Maybe, sweetheart, you said it wrong?" said Yakky, slowly
being crushed under the weight of the backpack.
Beansprout gave Yakky a withering look. "I will try again. But if
you call me sweetheart again, I will make you regret it."
"Yes Sprout, sorry Sprout."
"Thank you. - The ducks Dammit, the -Aaaaargh!"
For just at that moment a large impressive looking portal opened and sucked
them in. Fortunately, Yakky had let go of the luggage and it got left
"Folk!" said Beansprout as a clock flew past her head, spinning
"FCUK!" yelled Yakky, narrowly avoiding some kind of orange
"Oh of course." Beansprout replied then, "Ouch!" as
they landed on their butts in an ornamental garden.
"Hi guys." Said J glumly, sitting on a stone bench nearby.
"Ow, where are we? I don't recognise this garden," asked Beansprout,
as Yakky helped her up.
"Oh we're still at the palace."
"Good," said Yakky suspiciously, "because that's where
we were trying to go, right? And the NGSPIB have suddenly reappeared and
run off with Barry!"
"There's a small problem," hissed Flibbage, crawling out of
some undergrowth, [why?]"We've
been sucked through some kind of time portal, its forty Earth years ago,
which in Faerie is about 1000 years." [And
forty years may seem a long time in Earth years but, they did spend two
decades cryogenically frozen on Deepwater YAK]
"That's a slightly long time," gaped Beansprout.
"Nah, Faerie time is weird, in our time it's running about the same
as Earth, but right now it's running much slower, and Faeries live a long
time. Anyway, cutting to the chase. I have a plan."
"What a surprise."
"Once again," continued Flibbage self-importantly, "the
NGSPIB have grossly underestimated my Faerie powers. I can manipulate
the difference between Earth and Faerie's timeline to catapult us back,
but it takes a lot of energy, I'll have to work in small jumps and you
guys need to stick close to me. Hopefully our narrative strand will drag
us back to the right time and place. But the most important thing is not
to mess with the Space-Time continuum so-"
"Yeah yeah, we've heard that one before," said J, "Don't
touch anything or become your own great grandfather."
"It troubles me when you understand what I'm talking about, J."
Just then, as if to punctuate this resolution, they heard the sound of
"Incoming," hissed J dramatically, and the four of them dived
behind an ornamental Rhododendron[is there a
reason why its always rhododendrons...?] just as a markedly
more youthful Cabbage and Red wandered round the corner.
"You're never going to guess!!" squeaked the Faerie Queen delightedly,
flitting about in the air.
"A sewage technician?"
"A disgustingly greasy car-mechanic?"
"Still cold- heheheh!"
"A yak farming vicar from Nepal?"
"N-Dammit! How did you know that!?"
"Booksmarts and good looks," replied Red as Cabbage had a small
"The same damn thing happened to Rumplestiltskin! Now I can't steal
your first born child!"
"Damn right you can't, I already gave its soul to Fliain; it won't
do it any favours to be brought up in Faerie thank you. Besides, that's
exactly who I would have made Buffy fall in love with."
"Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!"
wasn't so dappy then," whispered Yakky.*
Well you can have as much of the love potion as you like and use it on
Barry, I hope it causes sorrow and pain for all involved!" Cabbage
grumbled, reluctantly pouring some pink dust out of a bag into Red's hand.
"Aww," said Red, "see, you're happy for me really. I can
hear you secretly trying not to cry tears of joy!"
"I have a cold, you moron."
not then," Yakky mused.*
ran off, giggling inanely to herself as Cabbage perched on the edge of
a bench holding the bag.
"Ahaha love potion, I have plans for you!" she cackled to herself,
and then sneezed violently. The pink dust went flying.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuCK, FUCK, FUCK!" she yelled frantically
trying to brush the powder off her face;
"Reverse the love charm,
Make it snappy,
If you don't,
I won't be h-"
"Excuse me, your majesty," said a young elf strolling into the
garden, "it's just that these Faeries put an Ass-head spell on me,
which I can't get rid of, and I was wondering if you knew anything that
"FUUUUUCCCKKK!" screamed Cabbage in abject horror, but it was
too late, as she had already fallen in love.
sighed resignedly. "I had a horrible feeling that's what happened.
Let's get out of here;
Back to the future,
In neat little hops,
Let's see if it's possible
Without too many stops."
* * *
1985, Earth, Beansprout's Christening Party
"FOLK!" yelled the four heroes and ducked behind a door. Flibbage
wobbled and looked rather pale.
"You alright?" asked Beansprout.
I'll be okay, just let me get my breath back
J found a rather fluffy sherbet lemon in his pocket and gave it to her.
The boys sat with Flibbage, whilst Beansprout peered round the door. Where
a drunken party was taking place. Red was collapsed on a sofa next to
Barry, whilst Flynn and Cabbage were balanced on the edge of a punch bowl.
"Well we called Flibbash Flibbidge -whatever she's called, that,
because it sounds a little like Flynn, and a little like Cabbage!"
Said Flynn drunkenly. Cabbage laughed and fell backwards into the punch.
I THINK, - I'll call her Beansprout." Red slurred.
"She's all skinny and lanky. And as for her hair, it sticks out in
"What's that got to do with a Beansprout?" asked Barry.
"Shut up you!"
"Well," Cabbage gurgled from the punch bowl, "if you give
her a vegetable name, then my little Flibbage can be her Faerie God
And plus- when she turns of age she can have a magic-sword-and-prophecy!"
"Huzzah!" yelled Red, and collapsed. Beansprout shut the door
"Dear lord this is a depressing if informative journey through time."
she said to herself, "Let's go if you're ready Flib!"
"Sure!" came a small voice from Flibbage who had removed her
bigness spell in order to economise, and she repeated the spell.
* * *
The smashed and smoking ruins of the Temple of Choom (It does get blown
up several times, poor thing) lay around them. J managed to catch Flibbage
before she hit the ground, then they (instinctively by now) dived for
Into sight trouped a bedraggled little girl with dark pigtails
and blue dungarees with a duck on the front. On her back was a backpack
with a machine gun poking out of it; on one shoulder was a young, red
haired faerie, on the other a geriatric one. A few paces behind trudged
a blond boy with repulsive skin wearing a Chelsea football strip. They
walked over to a helicopter that landed, got in and flew away.
"Wow Beansprout, I'd forgotten how pretty I always thought you were
"Folkin' paedophile!" replied our sarcastic heroine and good-naturedly
clouted him round the head.
"Ready now!" said Flibbage after being fed some kind of caffeine/Prozac
pill J had come up with.
* * *
Last day of term, 2000, Buckingham
The quartet watched in horror as a black-suited figure flagged down an
equally black limo and handed a package to someone inside. The limo drove
on a short way, then a large explosion blew out the windows and it veered
into a wall. Yakky and Beansprout winced. J squinted at the retreating
"Hey," he said, "That's a NGSPIB agent!"
"Those bastards! We thought it was Buffy!" said Yakky.
"Those bastards! We didn't even know they existed and they wanted
to kill us!" added Beansprout.
"djtornhbptrij[kyk,.v/gsipje[vbrrighngggggghhhh" said Flibbage,
which I suppose was meant to be a spell.
* * *
Late summer 2000
It was a brief stop. Buffy was being carted off to prison by Barry as
Flibbage, Beansprout, Cabbage and Flynn looked on.
"Don't know what he's on about '
she's our friend and always
' rubbish! I'd like to give her face a good grinding under
my regal kitten heels!" hissed the Faerie Queen, shaking her fist,
"Stupid useless Barry!"
"Yes dear," said Flynn.
At this moment, most of the gang were watching Cabbage rant from behind
a tree, but Flibbage from her viewpoint was looking at Barry and Buffy.
Blearily, she was sure she saw him hand her a metal file, which she stowed
in her boot. But feeling light-headed, she wasn't sure. However, with
a growing sense of inherited forebodeance, she wanted to get back to the
right time ASAP.
* * *
"Well, you could always get yourselves- CAPTURED BY THE NGSPIB!!!"
Oddball yelled as everyone in the restaurant pulled a gun on Beansprout
and Flibbage. The heroines were dragged away screaming abuse.
"We've got them for sure this time," a NGSPIB agent said to
"Yeah, thanks mainly to me Fred!" she replied donning a pair
of dark shades.
"Gasp!" said the time-travelling quartet (from under a table),
"she IS one of them!"
Flibbage's sense of foreboding went up another notch. There was something
fundamentally wrong with the situation, present or future and they needed
to be back in the right time, before it was too late. Summoning the rest
of her strength she said the spell with extra Pizzazz to make it more
powerful. The effect was like getting onto a roller coaster that was already
in motion. Then there was a sudden stop and they felt themselves thrown
forward onto the ground.
* * *
They found themselves outside a cave in Nepal. Beansprout, Yakky and J
quickly ducked behind a bush as a previous Yakky stalked out of the cave,
quickly followed by a yelling Beansprout, and the two of them disappeared
into the trees.
Almost as soon as they had gone NGSPIB agents slunk onto the scene from
the undergrowth and surrounded the cave. Some commotion ensued and a small
gold envelope hurtled off into the distance. Shortly the agents emerged
from the cave with a Jam-Jar bound previous Flibbage, and a struggling
"This place is crawling with NGSPIB," hissed Beansprout, "we
should get going as soon as possible Flib."
There was no answer. The three turned round to see Flibbage lying in a
crumpled heap on the ground. She looked pale and unsparkly.
"Get off the ground, stupid elf! Oh, doesn't either of you have any
"Uh, Sprout?" said J, picking up the prone faerie carefully.
"Hmm?" she relied, peering over the bush for agents.
"Do faeries- as a general rule, uh- breathe?" Beansprout snapped
her head round. A good term to describe the gossamer heap in J's hand
would have been, 'lifeless'.
"Hands in the air now!" said an NGSPIB agent, "Sir I've
found the girl and the werewolf, and- hey- wait a minute, the agent and
Several other agents ran in toting guns. They were surrounded, in serious
need of help and -stranded in the past.
WILL THEY ESCAPE THE CLUTCHES OF THE NGSPIB?
WILL THEY EVER DISCOVER THE IDENTITY OF MR.NGSPIB?
WILL FLIBBAGE SURVIVE THE ORDEAL?
ARE THEY FOLKING UP THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM?
FIND OUT, NEXT TIME IN INUBUYAKASHA!!!