#57 "The Shoe Towers"
know, with all the references to a person who has three personalities,
one good, one evil and one normal which is a blatant rip off of Detta
/Odetta /Susannah from Stephen King's Gunslinger books, you could have
just called it 'The Dark Tower', but I don't think anyone has read those
books except me
"There," said J, tying a bandage "Just try not to get into
any fights for a while
which is about the most useless advice I
ever gave anyone
"Sprout's not going to die!" Yelled Yakky with glee and hugged
"OwowOWOWOW!!!" Beansprout screamed in agony.
"Okay," said Beansprout, standing up in a wobbly manner and
holding onto Yakky for support owing to her huge blood loss (She may be
a hero, but no one heals that fast) "If anyone mentions how embarrassing
I acted when I was dying, there won't be enough of you left to bury."
"Sprout's alive! Sprout's alive!" Yakky sang merrily causing
our heroine to blush and grin a little bit.
"Okay," said J, spotting another pointless romantic moment approaching
"let's go sort out this big mess, or something."
"And you wonder why you're just the side kick," Beansprout answered
picking up her sword. "Let's hunt some clones!"
"Didn't I just tell you to take it easy?"
"Shut up you old woman!"
"That's enough now Yakky."
* * *
do you feel evil?" Flibbage said exasperatedly walking into the clearing
where they were hiding.
"Not really, more
slutty." Campfy said tugging
at the hem of her elegant but short black dress, which combined with black
gloves, fishnet tights and thigh-length boots, made her look like an evil
or a downtown hooker.
"Watch It! These are my clothes you know!"
"You're not evil."
"Oh give me time
" growled Flibbage to herself, and pondered
what else Buffy had to make her more evil.
"Gods of evil,
Shift your buns!
Bring me Lackeys, Yaks and Guns!"
There was a thunderclap (The sound of evil making magic) and Campfy was
suddenly surrounded by Yak-riding vampires who bristled with heavy artillery.
"What about now?"
Campfy put a hand to her forehead, wearing a strange half-scowl. "I'm
kind of nasty," she admitted haltingly.
Flibbage clapped her hands. "Yay! What else do you need?"
Flaunt your power.
Build me here a looming tower!"
There was a particularly impressive thunderclap, and when the blinding
effect of the lightening had passed, a tall black tower was standing in
the near background.
"I'm great, said Flibbage smugly. "Evil yet Campfy?... Campfy?"
Campfy sat up clutching her head. "Fucking hell
" she muttered.
"Okay that's about as evil as it gets I guess," said Flibbage,
"Now let's go and find Barry and kick his ass, because there's only
room for one evil overlord around here and you'll blatantly win because
you're a girl and this is faerie. Then we'll make you normal again and
Campfy stared at her, then began to chuckle.
"See, I told you so, you can even do the laugh
Flibbage tailed off.
Campfy clicked her fingers and with a shower of black sparks and an ominous
thunderclap was suddenly dress in black leather trousers, stylish ankle
boots, a strappy top of the kind often worn by Buffy and a long black
leather coat, complete with her butterfly wings which had turned black,
she was a scary sight.
"So tell me Flibbage, did you do any forward thinking when you formulated
this particular plan?" Campfy purred.
"I was considering a best-case scenario
" Flibbage mumbled.
"Not the way it's turned out. Sodding plot twists."
"As it is," said Campfy crisply, clapping her hands for her
henchmen, "I'm going to form a temporary alliance with Barry, destroy
you meddling kids forever, then dispose of him in vicious spree of backstabbing,
probably over dinner, I could wear my red dress
" She mused.
"Meanwhile I'll just be going," Flibbage squeaked, reverting
to tiny form for a quick getaway.
"I'm afraid I can't let you do that," Campfy said and clicked
Flibbage's language at finding herself locked in a stylishly enamelled
jewellery box was bad enough to shock even Beansprout.
"Back back, sweetheart
" said Campfy as she stored the
box in one of the henchmen's saddle bags, then she smiled. "Okay
boys, we have work to do
* * *
"What the Folk?!" Beansprout exclaimed as they passed a window
and saw the tower.
"Bloody hell, those faeries can build fast," Yakky commented.
"Let's go and kill Barry horribly then," said J.
"You really should leave dramatic one-liners to me J, you suck. Besides,"
Beansprout added, "We have to find Flibbage first, we can't go face
the bad guys with just the three of us, unless she's off somewhere holding
back the guards or dying in noble self sacrifice-"
"She'd better not be!"
"And there's still those Folking clones sneaking about the place,
so it'd be an anti-climax if we didn't get them first." Beansprout
"How come I never understand this convention stuff?" Complained
"Because I pay attention even if I don't understand, and you are more interested in gadgets, beer and women in revealing
"Well I'm interested in you and you're wearing dungarees."
"You'd better be, or I'll kick your werewolf ass."
"Fair enough then."
"When you're all quite finished?" said an icy voice. Our three
waffling heroes turned to see E-Yakky and E-Sprout standing at the top
of a flight of stairs, holding guns the likes of which only J had seen
"Wow! You have a Compensator Mark 6! And a Technojunkie 22!"[But
not the gun that does everything from the fifth element, so they're doomed]
"You are SO sad." Yakky told him.
"Compensator?" remarked Beansprout, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, you know what they say about men with big guns
what, they're evil clones?*
"I'm not compensating for anything!" Shouted E-Yakky angrily.
" Said both Sprouts.
"Hey!" said both the Yakkys.
"Oh God, kill me," said J (in mono).
"Gladly," said E-Sprout, and fired a big nasty rocket-thing
in his direction.
"Yeah subtle!" snarled Beansprout swinging the Sword of Slayskull
like a baseball bat. There was a large explosion and Beansprout was thrown
across the room.
"Sprout! Don't be dead! J told you not to do that!!!" Yakky
shouted, running over to her.
"Stop fussing you moron, I'm fine." Said Beansprout, sitting
up. "Ow, the shoulder. You are so dead you pigtailed bitch!"
she yelled at her clone.
"Uh-huh," E-Sprout said sceptically. E-Yakky chuckled.
Sprout?" said J.
"Oh my God," said Yakky.
Beansprout looked down at the Sword of Slayskull. Most of it was in pieces
on the floor, she was only holding the hilt.
"FOLKING SHODDY PIECE OF LEGENDARY MANUFACTURING!!!" she yelled.
"Die now," said E-Sprout calmly aiming the Technojunkie 22 at
There was another explosion and bits of E-Sprout were suddenly sticking
to the walls. There was a small pause.
"Thank you noisy cricket," said J.
"Thank you J," said Beansprout in a small shocked voice.
"E-Sprout! NOOO!!!" Yelled E-Yakky, who had just realized he
was madly in love with her.
"I'll take care of him," J said smugly, and pulled the trigger.
He tried again. And again.
"Oh shit," he said.
That's what you get when the Evil Guy controls the plot conventions!!!
Write them out of that one, Faerie Queen
[Alice I know you can't help the fact that you're
just a simple Country Bumpkin, BUT E-YAKKY TOOK THE SWORD AWAY FROM SPROUT
AFTER HE SHOT HER! Now I've had to go back and change everything to make
up for your lack of attention to detail *sigh* For those of you who will
read up till series eight, this is an early example of an INCONSISTENCY]