#60 "Curiouser and curiouser
we're back, and uh, now we're gonna kill you all!" Said E-Yakky,
appearing with and even bigger gun and beginning to advance menacingly.
Unfortunately, his menacing advance was cut short by the appearance
of a pole through his chest.
"-urk." Said E-Yakky and slowly keeled over sideways, leaving
a clear view of his killer, E-Flibbage!
"What the-?" E-J didn't have time to phrase a suitable expletive
as she abruptly turned and stabbed him too. Briskly she shook the blood
off her hands.
"Buffy has the plot? Are you gonna listen to this lame-ass fake?
No fictional construct controls the narrative because that would involve
existing outside the fictional universe, which we don't. They just think
they control it. Give it up E- Flibbage!"
"Nuh?" said Yakky, who was utterly confused, Beansprout and
J were too dignified to make a stupid noise.
"Shes lying! SHE'S LYING!!!" squeaked Flibbage who was getting
smaller and smaller, "I'm the real Flibbage!"
"It seems Evil-Flibbage, having the advantage of supernatural faery
common-sense over her cloned companions, decided to instigate her own
plans for Faerie takeover by taking my place whilst I was busy elsewhere,"
said Flibbage, "and not just for long enough to give the game away
by shooting people, oh no! Her plan was to keep undermining the plot
through acts of a foolish, cowardly and uncharacteristic nature, therefore
making matters gradually worse. Luckily I returned just in time to stop
you all from being led into another deadly trap. I rigged those guns
to shoot flowers. Didn't you see my conspiratorial wink?"
"Oh," said J, "I thought that was a fiendish wink,"
"me too," added Yakky. Beansprout and her companions looked
one elf to the other. E(?)-Flibbage standing over the bodies of E-Yakky
and E-J, and an extremely small version floating in the air. She had
both hands clapped over her mouth as if trying not to open it.
"AND I WOULD HAVE GOT AWAY WITH IT TOO, IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU DARN
KIDS!!!" she blurted out compulsively, closely followed by "-oops."
"HAH! Couldn't resist your evil programming, eh E-Flib?" crowed
the real Flibbage triumphantly.
"GAH! Feel my terrible wrath, and so on," said the (not) real
(afterall) Flibbage, and prepared to cast a truly formidable spell;
*SLAP! SWAT! STOMP! SQUASH!* and suddenly there, was no more E-Flibbage,
only a slimy little mess on the ground.
"I told her about going back in that box dead
said, wiping her shoe on a tuft of grass, "Just where exactly have
you been whilst we were risking ourselves for the good of your country?"
"Oh taking care of some family business," said Flibbage examining
her nails nonchalantly and began to stride purposefully towards Buffy's
Tower of Unspeakable Evil [Can't we think of
some excuse to call it a shaft?], humming the theme from
'The Great Escape'.
"Woah," said J (In token bloke line of the day) and motioned
the other two out of the way, as with perfect cinematic timing and orchestral
score the entire population of Faerie (Of which we have mentioned but
a few really) marched over the top of the hill, led by the High Court.
Heading the procession, on the back of Tequila the Alcohorse, was Cabbage,
looking extremely disgruntled.
"Looks like it's time for the big showdown with my mother,"
sighed Yakky, "again,"
"Well if she'd just stay dead-" said Beansprout as the three
of them joined the flanks of the ever-growing-army-of-the-unrealistic.
"Maybe she's Captain Scarlet?" said J, and quickly ducked
before either of them could hit him.
"When this is over can I be turned back into a person?" Said
Barry the Sprout, jumping up and down.
"No, because Brussel Sprouts can't be evil masterminds, so you're
obviously better off like that," said Beansprout, and proceeded
to ignore him by leaning on Yakky (Shoulder injury remember?)
"Griough!!!" said Barry under his breath and bounced over
to Cabbage's Alcohorse.
"Kiss me!" he said, bouncing up to eye level "Kiiiss
"No," said Cabbage, then added as an afterthought, "Bog
off, thou treacherous and fouls smelling Xmas food!"
"Please! Go on!" squeaked Barry, who had convinced himself
that if he could get someone to kiss him he'd turn into a man.
"Barry, you are a Sprout."
"Well you're a Cabbage!"
"The FAERY of Cabbage! Not A cabbage!"
"Because as you would surely know if you ever controlled the plot,
which you don't you little megalomaniac, I am an aloof unattainable
ice-queen, who only fell in love because of a botched spell and am consistently
mean to my doting elf boyfriend."
"It's true," the Elf chipped in dotingly.
"Shut up Elf. Anyway, I Never kiss anyone
"Curses!" Said Barry to himself, "Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!
"Never again, chump!" said Red "Not even if you paid
me, or if I was really drunk, which I am
" she added, swaying
along on a long suffering battle-pony.
"Drat and Double Drat!" said Barry, and bounced away. By this
time they had reached the front lawn of the Tower.
"Come out here and face us you convention twisting, plot usurping,
kingdom stealing, piece of POOP!" Cabbage yelled, shaking her fist
at the tower angrily.
"YEAH!" chorused the crowd, as crowds do. Then there was silence.
"Yeah, and your shoes clash with your eyeshadow!" Yelled Barry.
There was an almighty crash of thunder and black clouds rolled in ominously.
"Why do you always have to go one step too far Barry?" A silky
smooth voice floated down from the heights of the tower, "You know,
I was content to rule you all, but NOW I'LL HAVE TO DESTROY YOU MUHAHAHAHA!"
"Sounds like season finale talk to me," said Flibbage, "And
as usual, us four are stuck in the middle of it."
IS ANOTHER SEASON FINALE ON THE WAY?
WILL THEY DEFEAT BUFFY FOREVER?
WILLTHERE BE ENOUGH PREMISE FOR US TO STRING IT ON FOR ANOTHER YEAR?
FIND OUT IN NEXT TIME IN THE LAST EPISODE OF SERIES SIX.
WELL THAT ANSWERS QUESTION ONE ANYWAY