#63 "When narrative functions go bad (or well, depending on your
point of view)"
Beanderella noticed that everyone was too busy staring at the strange
new people to notice that she'd fainted, so she sat up, shrieked, and
fainted again, more pointedly.
"Beanderella! My love!" Sir William exclaimed, rushing over
"Well it took you long enough!" she grumbled then wondered why
she was being so rude to her one true love. "Alas
I feel rather
dizzy." She added blandly.
"Fear not Princess! I shall slay these
Sir William said.
"Like, don't!" said Felicity in alarm, standing up. "We
totally didn't mean to crash your wedding! We'll just
I totally know you as well!" she said, pointing at Beanderella.
Jack. E stood up too, staring at the knight and the princess with narrowed
eyes. He had no idea why, but the sight of the girl lying helplessly in
the knight's arms was making him gradually, quietly, furious.
The Vicar attempted to regain some semblance of control. "Off! Shoo!"
he said peevishly, waving his hands at Felicity and Jack. E.
"Oh! Like totally!!!" answered Felicity apologetically and grabbed
Jack. E's arm. "Let's go."
"Will't thou not slay them!??" Beanderella complained, tugging
on Sir William's sleeve.
"Ah, lady, I have reconsidered. It would not bode well to spill blood
on our wedding day, and harmless sprites they must be, to so readily appear
in a church."
"Oh Sir Knight! Thou art so very chivalrous!"
Jack. E began to growl softly under his breath as Felicity dragged him
down towards the pews and the couple took up places as near to the altar
as they could get (the Portaloo being in the way, of course).
"Do you, Sir William of the Hood, take this clichéd Princess
Beanderella to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"Do you Beanderella of Sproutania, take this Macho Stereotype to
"LIKE HELL SHE DOES!" Jack. E roared, and leapt forward, transforming
into his werewolf form as he leapt [See, in some
worlds Werewolves are controlled by the moon, and in others, such as this
one, which we will name presently and the IBYKS universe, they can change
whenever they like]
"EEEEE!!!" screamed the Princess as the wolf snatched her up
and bounded out of the church.
"My wife!!!" Sir William yelled after them in a rage.
what a totally male thing to do," said Felicity despairingly.
"I SHALL RESCUE HER, WOLF!!! YOUR ASS IS MINE!!!" Sir William
bawled, then looked shocked at himself.
"Well bugger that then," grumbled the Vicar, and reached for
* * *
the faeries left alive after the massacre (depressingly few really) were
now present and accounted for, and Flori was working on expanding the
labyrinth of caves.
"This sucks," Cabbage muttered. "Where are our damn-fool
daughters and those idiot men? This is entirely their fault, bloody do-gooders
"Hmm," said Red, tapping away on her Apple laptop (Faery computer.
Made of enchanted fruit), "I've found some kind of surreality spell,
but it's only powerful enough to make us into highly improbable soap.
[OPERA! Just to make it completely clear.][
Which it really isn't you know.]
"We won't be using that one then. No evil twins or melodramatic monologues in MY kingdom!"
"That's not nice."
"I'M NOT IN A NICE MOOD!"
"Ooh!" Red exclaimed, "The computer has found evidence
that some kind of intertextual device was used just after the bomb went
"I really wish you wouldn't combine magic with technology, it can't
bode well. But anyway, what?"
"It must have something to do with the kids, everyone else is here
or dead." Red finished glumly.
"Good," huffed Cabbage, "they can stay there until I find
a way to make my realm UNMEDDLEABLE!!!"
* * *
"Eeeee! Eeeee! Where have you brought me?" Beanderella began
shrieking as soon as she woke up.
"It's a dread tower, fool." Jack. E muttered, feeling quite
stupid. He wondered why he'd even brought her there in the first place,
but he suspected it had something to do with a niggling little instinct
that told him he was technically a monster and kidnapping princesses was
Beanderella fainted again. Jack E. rolled his eyes. Although he'd found
some clothes in the tower, allowing him to take on human form without
embarrassment, they were inherently black and evil looking.
"I'm not going to eat you, you know." Jack. E said to the Princess,
who was obviously conscious, because she kept tweaking her skirt to make
sure her ankles weren't visible.
"Yes you are," said the Princess with her eyes screwed up, "Unless
my love comes to rescue me of course."
Jack. E scowled, still not really knowing why. "I'm really not."
"Why not?" Beanderella asked, opening one eye to look at him
I don't know," Jack. E admitted, "I keep thinking
I should, and God knows you're annoying enough, but something keeps telling
me I shouldn't."
"Beanderella settled for being blankly terrified.
"Anyway, I'm sure you have distress to be damselling about in
Jack. E said awkwardly and left the room, locking the door behind him.
* * *
William vaulted onto his trusty steed [sorry]
and took his sword from one of the townspeople (who was holding it up
in adoring hero-worship).
"I shall ride forth and slay the werewolf!" he proclaimed.
"Like, really, don't!" exclaimed Felicity, "He isn't bad!
I don't know what's wrong with him!"
"Silence, thou witch!"
" Felicity thought hard. Through the vacuous fluff
that was shrouding her brain; the faint echoes of a plan began to filter
"I'll go with you then! I'm
I'm, like, a powerful mage, I stopped
the werewolf before!" Maybe I can stop you killing anyone, she thought
Sir William was about to disagree, but something stopped him. After all,
it was sometimes handy to have a magic user around, if that was what she
was. And so they rode off into the sunset (or rather Sir William rode
off, and Felicity ran after, yelling "Waaaaaaait!!!").
Beanderella said in her draughty tower room, and then shrieked in alarm
as a small woman climbed in the window.
"Just look at yourself!" snapped the random woman.
"Who are you?" the Princess asked.
"I am the narrative function 'Feminism' and I am so disappointed
in you! All your literary life you've been badass, and now POOF! Weak-willed
one dimensional stereotype! Why?"
Feminism sighed. "Okay, I'll make it easy for you to escape. If you
can guess your real name, I'll send you home."
Beanderella only understood the words 'escape' and 'name'. "Beanderella
"But that's my name!"
"No it isn't you ditzy bimbo."
"WELL FOLK YOU!" raged the Princess and pushed her out the window.
" yelled Feminism
as she plummeted towards the ground before disappearing into thin air.
Beanderella paused for a second. Naturally she was shocked at herself,
but there was something about the whole experience that was strangely
"Hmmm," she said as she returned to thoughtfully examining her
WELL WELL, THIS IS A CONUNDRUM.
NOT ONLY DO THEY WANT TO MARRY THE WRONG PEOPLE, NOW THEY WANT TO KILL
EACH OTHER TOO.
FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT TIME IN INUBUYAKASHA!