#64 "Jack, the Beanstalk, the Beauty, the Beast, the Witch, the Wardrobe
here's a conumdrum," said Flori to Red, poking the inanimate brussel
sprout with her wand, "should we bring him back to life, or leave
him as a vegetable?"
"Can't I crush him beneath my regal kitten heels in a fit of righteous
indignation?" wheedled Cabbage "It's his fault my realm is ruined!"
"I feel kind of bad really. I mean, he's not exactly an evil genius
is he?" said Red, picking up Barry the Sprout.
*sigh* "Fine- you decide what to do with him," said Cabbage,
"As long as he isn't human, he can't cause trouble."
"Can I turn him into a fwuffy bunny-wabbit?"
"That would be fitting
for the third time Barry found himself transfigured.
"Ahaha- very funny," growled the rabbit, scowling at Red.
"AWW! Lookit the liddle cutems bunny-wabbit!!!"
"I hate my life."
Just then the Apple-mac piped up 'You've got Snail!' in a cheery voice
as a small mollusc crawled out of the side.
"Ahem," quoth the snail, "Message for HRH Cabbage, Imperial
ruler of the Faerie uh
"Yeees?" said Cabbage testily, looming over the cowering snail.
"FaerieNet has pinpointed the last known location of the crown princess
Flibbage. There was indeed some kind of intertextual disturbance, and
our researchers believe she was in fact in the BuffyVerse, although results
suggest she may have left by now. Our research also found some strange
patterns in her brainwaves, indicating her mind may have been tampered
"What are the magic levels like in this- BuffyVerse?" asked
"Very high your majesty, although mostly demonic in nature."
" said Cabbage drumming her fingers on her cheek
thoughtfully, "someone get me a Pavlova."
"Uh, why your Majesty?" asked Flori.
"Cabbage is troubled," intoned Red wisely, "She needs [dairy-free]
Cabbage stuffed the snail back into the lap-top and slowly ate her pavlova
"Flori," she said with her mouth full.
"Yes, your Majesty?"
"I am putting you temporarily in charge. Don't take any orders from
Red, especially don't take orders from Cablim, don't give Barry any sentient
form until I get back. Make sure Tequila gets plenty of brandy and sugar
lumps, don't let Red get her hands on the brandy or the sugar lumps.
"Where are you g-" Flori began, but was interrupted by the sudden
appearance of a large red telephone box.
"I," said Cabbage melodramatically as she stepped into the Phone
Box of Intertextuality, "am going in search of that frizzy-haired
bimbo. Then I'm going to find out who's behind all this idiocy and MAKE
AN EXAMPLE OF THEM!!!" with that the phone box disappeared.
" said Flori to herself.
"About those sugarlumps
"You know, she didn't say you couldn't take orders from me."
Piped up Barry Bunny.
"Shut up you whiny little furball," replied the Court Witch
"I resent that!"
* * *
are like, totally an unchivalrous knight!" whined Felicity as she
trudged beside the horse, "Why can't I ride the horse for a while?"
"Because Witch, knights are chivalrous to damsels and you are a most
shamefully clad Sorceress who is liable to entrap me in her foul plots
if I let down my guard!"
"In your dreams, loser!"
"Just lead me to wherever your foul minion has stolen away fair Beanderella
and I may spare your wicked life!"
"I don't have a clue where Jack. E is, or why he ran off with your
girlfriend, so there, Sir
"-William of the Hood, Fresh Prince of Bel Air."
They walked in silence for a short while, Sir William intent only on searching
the horizon for signs of his lost love, Felicity engaged in her favourite
pass-time, making up cheers
" I'm Ginger! I Tower!
I might have Magic Power!
My butt is cute! My legs are long!
With skin like mine I can't go wrong!"
"Hussy." Sir William said to no one in particular as Felicity
did an impromptu cartwheel and jumped about spelling the letters of her
name with pom-poms. Watching her quizzically he suddenly interrupted.
"Can it be possible, witch, that you are even more stupid than you
"Ex-scuse me?" said Felicity pausing mid-leap.
"Well what kind of fool tries to spell Felicity, F-L-I
* * *
said Beanderella, "and Alas
"Will you cut that 'sigh and alas' crap? You're getting on my nerves."
Jack. E replied from where he was sulking in a corner. "Would you
like a biscuit? Will you stop complaining if I give you a biscuit? There's
a chocolate biscuit
"I shall neither eat nor drink until my love returns to find me."
"Well be like that then." Scowled Jack. E "I don't know
what you see in him anyway, he's such an egotistical poser."
"He is my love, and hath rescued me from the evil dragon Smorgas-Board,"
sighed Beanderella, staring out of the window.
"Well that's a crappy reason to get married." Jack. E replied,
murderously inspecting his fingernails. "Everyone knows that relationships
formed under stressful situations always fall through.
"You're obviously not from around here- er
"Dear God!" he yelled exasperatedly and stormed out of the room,
locking the door behind him. Outside he punched several dents in the wall.
Beanderella scowled to herself. The werewolf's total failure at being
properly evil was getting on her nerves, and plus where exactly was her
love, Sir William? It surely couldn't take that long to find her, unless
something was delaying him
"That evil witch is trying to seduce my future husband!" cried
Beanderella in an outburst of unfounded logic, and began to curse in a
most unladylike manner. Leaning out of the window, she looked down towards
the ground below. It didn't seem so far anymore, maybe if she tied the
curtains and bed sheets into a rope?
"Er- excuse me!" said a nasal voice as a nerdy-looking guy in
a star-trek tee-shirt appeared from thin air "You can't just go around
climbing out of windows! You're a princess!"
"And who the hell are you?" said Beanderella tersly placing
her hands on her hips in an unprincessly stance.
"I am the personification of the unspoken rules of Dungeons &
Dragons (11th Edition), which clearly states that as a princess, you cannot
climb out of a window without assistance from a hero!"
"Go thou, and trouble someone else, spirit!" Beanderella said
haughtily, "I will no longer listen to the nonsensical gabblings
of your kind!" she dismissed him with a wave of her hand and advanced
on the window.
"Won't you at least roll these dice? If the numbers add up to eleven
or more I'll tell you where a secret key to the door is hidden."
"Fine then, you leave me no other choice. Goodness knows it's bad
enough with that idiot cheerleader running around loose in the countryside,
and the villain being distinctly amiable- and whoever heard of a black
Knight? But if you can't conduct yourself like a proper princess, I won't
stand for it anymore! You'll have to go somewhere with an acceptably violent
And once again there was the ominous flushing sound of an inter-dimensional
portal as Beanderella swirled out of existence.
* * *
*Doompff!* was the sound of Beanderella hitting the sidewalk. This made
her uncharacteristically angry. Someone's going to pay for this, she thought,
maybe that horrid little woman who tried to make me change my name, or
the dice idiot. But preferably that evil sorceress
I expect they're
her minions. Getting to her feet she wandered into what was presumably
a shop. All the shelves were filled with flat boxes with pictures and
writing on the front. The writing was illegible but vaguely familiar to
Beanderella. Confused she walked over to the overweight shopkeeper.
"Excuse me, good sir," she began "I am the Princess Beanderella
di Sproutania (you may have heard of me) and I seem to be somewhat lost.
Could you tell me which province we are in?"
the shopkeeper replied, eyes firmly fixed on her décolletage [that's
cleavage to the rest of you]"Are you a playboy model?
I used to date a-" he trailed off as her noticed her stormy expression.
"HOW DARE YOU STARE AT ME LIKE THAT THOU LOWLY CUR!!!" she raged
and punched him frighteningly hard in the nose.
[ooh guess where she is
no wait none of
you will actually know except Alice, dammit, why won't you read Strangers
"You know," said Cabbage, looking down her nose at the Slayer,
"I know another Buffy, but she's much better dressed. And she's made
"Less chat, more slayage!" Growled Sarah Michelle and pounced,
stake in hand. Cabbage sidestepped.
"That's the problem with choreographed fights you know, they really
don't work when the other person doesn't follow the routine," Cabbage
continued conversationally, "And really, you know, not all extra-planar
creatures are evil, I was just passing through this graveyard. I'm looking
for my daughter actually, she looks rather like me?"
"Pointy ears? Green skin? That says demon to me!" The Slayer
replied, casting a smouldering look at the camera, and did a nifty backflip.
"Also- see my cute little wings?" said Cabbage, shrinking to
half her size to avoid the blow.
"Didn't anyone tell you to stay away from the Hellmouth?" said
the oblivious Slayer.
"Obviously not. You bore me mortal," answered the Queen and
turned her into a steak [yes, not a stake, how
"Don't worry, it'll wear off in half an hour or so." Cabbage
sneered, "In the meanwhile- LEARN SOME GODDAMN RESPECT FOR ROYALTY!!!"
* * *
LA LA AND THERE I WILL END
BLAH BLAH WHAT WILL BLAH DE BLAH NEXT?
MYEH MYEH MYEH SOON IN INUBUYAKASHA