#68 "Narnia has nothing on this..." or "The Darker Girl"
[This week and you will be pleased to know you
only made one INCONSISTENCY-and it is this; Barry is currently a cute
rabbit not a Sprout... fool. Now I havemocked your foolishness, on with
the tale...][Tch! A sprout is more ironic.][
What is it Jenenchilada? Another picture of Mike Ginola? Beige wallpaper?
" Sighed Cabbage resignedly.
" No, it's Beansprout, she's-disappeared! "
" What!?! "
"She wason the tracking device one second-then she just vanished!
"Uh oh," said Red, looking up from her books.
* * *
Beanderella had found the intertextual link without too much hassle. She
still had superpowered intellect that was telling her that she must have
caused some kind turbulence when she got here, (got here-hadn't she'd
grown up here?) and she could go back by retracing his steps. Unfortunately,
this seemed to clash with another part of her brain there was frantically
screaming "Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!"
" I am cracking up, " she said to herself and chuckled as she
wandered along the towards the video shop where she had first appeared.
The wind blew across her face whipping strands of long black hair about,
which surprised her, as hadn't hair been sliced in a fight-what fight?
The one where she'd been shot in the... side, or was it her shoulder...?
And all along that third voice was yelling that girls didn't fight, princesses
didn't fight. Still struggling against the voices she walked into the
textual rift that only she could see, and straight into D&D11th.
The sun was shining, the birds were singing, heroes were heroing, wizards
were cursing that their Wisdom score was only 13 so they couldn't learn
that spell they'd need to defeat the dragon before it toasted them...
And suddenly the nerdy personification of said rules appeared to Bean/Sprout/derella/tchoo,
and screeched "You! I told you to stay out!"
" Do not mess with me puny male! " Snarled whoever she was.
" But-but! You could at least be some burly Valkyrie type-not just
some-Princess with a chip on her shoulder! "
" Get lost! I am in no mood for the rules! " She replied psychotically,
and brandished the jagged sword hilt and him.
"Aii! By the Power of Slayskull! She has the power! " D&D11th
personified shrieked like a girl, holding up his hand in the sign to ward
off the evil eye.
" Why so I do, " Bean(derella?) replied, as the sword hilt glowed
green, then she disappeared.
''Phew! " Said D&D11th to himself, as a stricken looking Yakky
came across the hillside running at full pelt and skidded to a stop.
" Was that Beansprout I saw you with?! "
" Oh so now you want to be the hero. Make your mind up... "
"Was it her!?! "
" No, that was not Beansprout. '' said D&D11th, entirely truthfully.
* * *
Beanderella found herself in a room decorated in a green and black hi-tech
style , where a beardy man sat behind a desk.
" Greetings Beanderella, I am the Sarchitect, creator of the Sword
of Slayskull. "
" Oh, so it is a sword, " said Beanderella who didn't find any
of this strange was some reason.
" Yes indubitably [Dammit how do you spell
that- good at least the voice rec. software knows], it is a
sword of immense destructive force activated by anger and cynicism and
powered by the energy of violent and destructive personalities. It has
uses for good and of course-the opposite. I believe you have already met
the guardian of its positive side-Mervyn? "
I-don't remember that. '' said Beanderella suspiciously.
" I won't contest that. So to continue, the sword was created by
the organisation known as the Big Pricks but it was discovered that no
one had the necessary personality traits to wield it effectively, until
that is, you came across it."
'' But it's broken, " said Beanderella, showing him the jagged hilt.
" I can easily fix it, " replied the Sarchitect, " But
I would ask something of you in return. You have three voices in your
head, yourself-the Princess Beanderella, a woman known as Katina Choovanski,
and a girl calling herself Beansprout Jones. That third voice-is were
what I want from you."
" One of these blasted voices? You can have it! "
" Then you can have the sword. Use it well. ''
" Oh I will. ''
* * *
" She's back! She's back! " Squeaked Jenenchilada at the computer
screen, as everyone rushed over to see.
" Let me look, let me look! " Yelled Barry the Sprout.
" Oh be quiet, '' Cabbage answered him, and with a flick of her wand
turned him into a pink toilet roll holder doll-thing.
" Ha ha. You look ridiculous! " Said Heathcliffe, who
had acquired a mini-coke from somewhere.
Petrobrad joined in with the mocking.
" Okay, Flibbage is on a mission to intercept, " said Red, ruthlessly
shoving Jenenchilada out the way with a cry of " heeeeey! "
" Let's just hope that Yakky can manage not to die, until Flibbage
gets there with the back-up. '' said Cabbage.
" Who did she take with her anyway? " Asked Flori as they looked
around the room, " everyone's still here, everyone except her and...
" Oh dear God, she's got a plan. ''
* * *
Somehow, some way, thought Yakky gloomily, this is all J's fault. Marry
my girlfriend will he? Him and his stupid R-Bomb... oh no! What if thinking
evil thoughts counts, Argh!
Just at that moment he was startled by the sudden and unannounced reappearance
of Beansprout, holding what looked like a green rather than blue version
of the Sword of Slayskull.
" Beansprout? Argh!-I mean, uh, how sane you feeling today? "
He stammered, looking at the same, yet creepily different girl regarding
" There isn't a Beansprout anymore, " she answered coolly, "
she was here, but now she's gone, which suits me fine. ''
"But-but, " stammered Yakky, " That's my girlfriend! "
" Oh well, she must have been just crazy about you then, seeing as
we were going to marry Sir William and all... " she answered sarcastically,
as a sword hummed a brighter green,.
" Shut up!, yelled Yakky foolishly " She's my girlfriend, and
you'd better give her back, whatever the hell you are! ''
" Listen you little idiot, " she hissed, picking him up by the
collar of his shirt, " My name, for the last time, is Beanderella,
I am a Parker Girl and some people call me Princess, but to no one ever
tells me to shut up! Now you tell me where that redheaded bitch and my
idiot fiance are, or I swear I will run you through with this damn sword!
Hell, I might just do it anyway. "
" I don't even kn-" Yakky began, but was interrupted by familiar
" Put him down, Beanderella, we're already here."
Beansprout let go of Yakky and slowly turned around. There was Flibbage,
crackling with magic, and J with a gun aimed at Beanderella's chest.
" Ready with the plan Flib? '' said J, without looking away from
"Oh I have a plan," said Flibbage, and raised one hand in the
air, " Stop! " she intoned, and there was- the localised time
spell that it only worked once before, in Faerie, in an emergency, with
the right narrative prerequisites that had made her the protagonist. Well,
when your heroine is deranged, evil, and possibly not even in her physical
body, what's a sidekick gonna do? The spell affected everything except
Beanderella and Flibbage.
" Beanderella, " Flibbage said calmly " my orders are to
take you back to Faerie. And there's an easy way, or a hard way. ''
"Oh, " said Beanderella or, tapping her chin mockingly, "
what a predicament! Guess which way I choose, you fiancee stealing bitch!!!
" She ended with a violent snarl and lifted the sword.
" Bring it on." said Flibbage darkly, cracking her knuckles.
TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO LEARN THE OUTCOME OF THE CENTURIES BIGGEST SHOWDOWN!
BIGGER THAN WILLOW VERSUS BUFFY , BIGGER THAN LUKE SKYWALKER VERSUS HIS
DAD! YES, IT'S THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION WE'VE ALL ASKED OURSELVES;
"WHO'S MORE DANGEROUS, BEANSPROUT OR FLIBBAGE?"
[Which is actually the thought that inspired
this whole episode, I left the outcome to Alice because we all know how
she loves to write about angst betrayal and gore.]
[Yay, I have blood soaked plans...]