#69"Clash of the heroines" By Ally
Beanderella's sword swept downwards but hit nothing but air.
"Bitch! " She yelled, and spun around to see Flibbage standing
a few feet away, still entirely calm.
She lunged towards her, and once again hit nothing.
" Keep still! "
"What a stupid thing to say! " Flibbage exclaimed it in sheer
disbelief. With a scream of rage Beanderella swung the sword and sent
a bolt of green light towards Flibbage. The Faerie lifted her hands, which
were bathed in a pale green glow, and caught the energy, staggering slightly
before throwing it back at Beanderella who parried it again with the Sword
of Slayskull. The magic shattered, sending green sparks across the ground.
They paused, and faced each other.
" Not bad... bitch." Beanderella said grudgingly.
" Same to you, " Flibbage replied. " I thought only Beansprout
could use that sword. Thought you'd be useless without her. ''
" What? "
" Still, the Sarchitect's a pretty good teacher, isn't he? And you're
certainly violent and destructive. ''
" How do you know this?! "
Beanderella suddenly pitched forward as a wave of magic Flib had sent
out swung back ground and hit her in the back.
" Stupid, though, " Flib mused. " Without Beansprout, really
quite stupid. ''
* * *
[NB as the faerie realm has a different timescale, they could watch the
action as it unfolded]
The entire Faerie Court was now crowded as close to the computer as they
could get. This, as the Faerie Court was too large for everyone to see
the screen had interesting results.
"OhGodOhGodOhGod..." said Red.
" Flibbage, what are you doing?!" Cabbage wailed, but added
"You're doing it bloody well, though. "
" What's going on? I can't see! '' said Flathryn, one of Flori's
" The Princess is fighting our Princess! "
" What did she say? " asked another faerie.
" The Princess is killing the Princess! "
" Apparently the Princess killed the Princess... "
" Did they say Flibbage was dead? "
" 'Scuse me, coming through... "
" No, the other one! "
" She just said the Princess was dead! "
" I didn't hear her say that. ''
" 'Scuse me... sorry... "
" Well, if neither of them are dead, maybe they're negotiating? "
" Did you hear that? "
" What? "
" He says Flibbage's reached an agreement with the other girl! "
" They say Flib sold us out! "
" To who? "
" Tch!! To the Big Pricks, of course! "
"Not to Buffy? "
"Buffy's dead! "
" Well, maybe that's what they want you to think... "
...Back by the computer....
"Oh God oh God oh God..."
"Do something, your Majesty!" Flee!-Bee squeaked.
"I can't do anything! Flib's all nicely tucked up inside her death-trap
of a spell!"
"Oh God oh God oh God..."
"Excuse me... hi, everyone."
"Oh God oh God OH-SHIT!!!" Red screeched, looking up and seeing
"What the folk?!" exclaimed Cabbage and looked from J to the
screen several times.
"But you're there!" Red said, pointing.
"Ah, well, that was the original plan..."
* * *
Beansprout Jones woke up, feeling strangely light-headed. For a few
moments, she stared around at her room. For some reason, two other rooms
were lingering in her mind; a medieval bedroom, and a run-down place furnished
with a mattress and a few torn posters. She'd been having some funny dreams.
Not that her real life did anything to stop strange things lurking in
her subconscious she thought, as she got dressed. Only last year she and
her friends defeated Buffy-the-Space-Pirate for the last time, saving
two worlds as opposed to their usual total of one.
Beansprout paused as she brushed her hair, which had grown back to its
normal length. Flib, Yakky and J. She'd have to get in touch with them
soon. She'd just been so busy... and so had they, what with Flib helping
to rebuild the Realm, J picking up the pieces of the NGSPIB, and Yakky-what
was Yakky doing, anyway? He'd gone off to visit Nepal, the last she'd
heard, but she hadn't thought to ask why. Funny how you could drift apart
from people, especially when she had so much to do.
"Morning, D'arcie," she called to the woman who was sitting
at the breakfast table.
"Ah, good morning, Beansprout. Hurry up and eat, I want to fit in
an hour of fencing before we carry on with the fundamental laws of the
* * *
"Die!" Beanderella shouted, sending more Slayskull magic towards
Flib. She cackled as it drew blood, which turned into a snarl as the wound
"You think you'd learn after the fifth time," Flib commented,
and clapped her hands.
Beanderella screamed as her hair began to writhe and knot about her.
* * *
"Flib decided to change the plan after we heard what Beansp-derella
said to Yakky," J continued. "So she stopped time and had a
look in Beans-... her mind." He then explained, disjointedly the
basic content of Beanderella's recent memories. The court listened in
"Then she made an illusion of me, and sent the real me back here
to find Beansprout and get her out of whatever the Sarchitect wants her
"I'm so proud..." sobbed Cabbage "My only daughter..."
"Hey!" Said Bica indignantly.
" Oh yeah...sorry."
Barry the doll who had waddled surreptitiously towards the computers in
the hope everyone was watching his favourite film Five (Nymphos) have
Fun in Bangkok, suddenly saw two young women fighting to the death,
which was slightly disappointing but not much.
"Woo! Yeah! Do they get any muddier?"
"You are sick!" Cabbage said, and turned him into an
"Incestuous little bastard," Heathcliffe murmured.
"Not really," said Red absently. "After all, he's not her
(Silence in the Court)
"What?!" Shrieked Barry the ashtray, and fell off the chair.
"I knew all along," Cabbage said, as if this settled everything.
"So who is her dad?" Asked Jenenchilada.
"Oh, some guy I met at a Festival... uh... not Strongbow, I was drinking
that... uh... Fled!"
"Well actually he's a Nymph and then only by adoption," Cabbage
added, for the sake of not disrupting their entire history of the series
[and because it was true of course...].
"SLUT!" Barry the ashtray shouted.
"Yes?" Answered Red mildly.
"How could you do this to me?!"
"Why do you care?"
"And it was pretty obvious, what with all the circus skills."
"Aaargh!!" Barry the ashtray tried to run away, but, lacking
legs, could do no more than sit there and sniff.
"Anyway," said J, drawing attention back to the main plot. "Can
I use the computer?"
* * *
"You're improving," D'Arcie told Beansprout, after they'd finished
Beansprout asked a question that had been nagging her for a while.
"I know you said you were training me to fulfil my potential, but...
is that going to be anything specific?"
D'Arcie paused, sighed and sat down, motioning for Beansprout to do the
"If you remember, a long time ago you were told about a Prophecy
and a Magic Sword."
"By the Faeries."
"The Faeries didn't make that Prophecy or that Sword. Think of everything
that has happened to you as a test, Sprout, and this training as a fine-tuning.
Yes, there is something specific, and you are nearly ready for it."
"Your Magic Sword, the Sword of Slayskull. You have to claim it from
the person who wields it now."
"But," Beansprout frowned, "didn't I have a Magic Sword?"
"No you did not. You had an ordinary sword. Possibly a Faerie
blade that may have seemed magical."
In the corner, the computer bleeped.
"Mail," Darcy said in irritation and stood up. "Come to
the study once you've read it."
Beansprout sat down at the computer, and noticed that the message came
from FaeryNet. "Must be Flib," she murmured, and opened it.
Okaay, Beansprout thought and replied: Flib? Is that you?
Knock knock, Beansprout.
"Beansprout? I haven't got all day!" D'Arcy tapped on the door.
What the f- Beansprout thought, when another message appeared.
Close the Folking programme, Beansprout!
D'Arcy walked in, and saw the messages.
"Just some sick bastard," Beansprout said soothingly, misreading
"You know what this means?" D'Arcy said in a strained voice.
"No, but I'm sure you'll tell me."
"It's time. You have to claim the sword."
"Where is it?"
"I've set up an intertextual link," D'Arcy said, flapping her
hands,"go and get ready!"
having learned to show loyalty and obedience to her sensei [It
may not seem very like her, but remember, she's had a year out and time
to relax] went off to get ready
D'Arcy strode over to the computer, typed a long code, and clicked: Reply.
* * *
"Folk!" J exclaimed, as the computer went dead.
"The computer's out!"
"All the computers are out," Jenenchilada observed.
"Stupid man!" Cabbage shouted, and clouted J with her shoe.
"It wasn't him, it was the Big Pricks, Fred," Agent O said.
Everyone turned to stare.
"Explain," Red said
"Well, I put together the file on the Big Pricks, Fred, and they
do this kind of thing. And I'm pretty sure they're controlling Beansprout
for sausages too."
"Their own ends," Phat, Faerie linguist, translated.
"What own ends?"
"Green sausages of course, Fred."
"To be their pawn in a devious plot control everything."
"Folk!" Said Cabbage, as she does.
* * *
"Now, remember, Sprout, the current guardian of the Sword is very
cunning, and she can take on many forms. You maybe... surprised... when
you see her, but don't be taken in. Keep focused.
* * *
* * *
Beanderella was swaying on her feet. Her hair was ragged where she'd had
to cut through it, and she was bruised and tattered by endless barrages
Flib looked mildly flustered.
"Don't stand there looking so SMUG!" Beanderella shrieked, and
pointed the sword at Flib. Green sparks flickered and died.
"Finally," Flib said, stretching, yawning and muttering the
words of a spell.
She really regretted closing her eyes.
The spell hit Beanderella at the same time Beanderella reached Flibbage.
Pink fire surrounded her, and, like a reverse of Campfy Beanderella Choovanski
split into two people.
The magic faded, and the time spell dissolved, as did the illusion of
"What the hell am I doin' here?" Katchoo demanded.
"Eek!" Said Beanderella "The werewolf!", hitched up
her skirts and ran.
Yakky, blinking at the scene in front of him, barely noticed either of
Beansprout former headfellows [that word just
appeared in my head, so I used it]
"Folk!" He shouted, and rushed over to Flibbage, who was kneeling
on the ground.
Flib had enough magic to withstand power of Slayskull, look into a madwoman's
mind and split two tangled personalities. But she was a Faery and Faeries
don't cope well when they've been run through with cold steel
"Flib! Flib! Are you okay?"
"No... you tit..." Flib growled "... I am bleeding profusely..."
"Oh my God oh my God what am I gonna do?!"
"...Go get some Folking help!"
"Okay! I'm going!" Yakky ran off aimlessly. Weakly, Flibbage
hoped the Faeries would pick him up. Everything seemed to be getting fuzzy.
This, she knew, was a bad sign.
She had to do something about this. She knew iron-based wounds were supremely
complicated to heal. But she also knew that, if she didn't try, she would
also most certainly die out here.
Gritting her teeth, she pulled the swrod out of her stomach. This left
her incapable of moving for a few minutes.
She then managed to work a patchy healing spell over the wound, which
reduced the bleeding slightly.
Flibbage used the sword to stagger to her feet, and stood there dizzily
for a few seconds as she tried to remember the words to open a gate to
Faerie. Vaguely, she saw someone walking towards her.
"Yakky...? Oh, Sprout, good... J Didn't Folk it up then..."
Beansprout paused. "That's very convincing," she said finally.
"You really do look like her."
"No, you see, once I've seen through the act there's not much point
keeping this up," Beansprout said with her customary nastiness and
drew her sword.
[as in certain classic yet hopelessly over-rated
anime and its hilarious musical score *cough*Akira*cough*]
Anyway... HOW WILL FLIB GET OUT OF THIS ONE???