Volume 7 'Intertextuality'
here we are again my dears, more fun and games from the Rock-tastic world
of Ally and Em, who at this point were mostly struggling with exams and
coursework but stil found timeto delight you with the tales of people
we changed the names of and people we made up. Its one-big rip-off, but
you keep on coming back�]
Episode #62 "Faerietale" by Emily
In a last ditch attempt to keep some area of the realm reality-free, certain
faeries who had escaped the main blast zone, led by the Court Witch Flori
had sealed off a smallish cave system underneath the Magic Mushroom Plateau.
They were now forming rescue parties to bring back anyone who had survived
"Fleckini, Beige Nymph?" Said Flori, reading off a list.
"Flil, Crystallized Stem Ginger and Punk Rock Elf?"
"Florz, Court Psychopath?"
"ARGH! You all hate me!!!"
"Fjenny & Flelen, Guardian imps of Ninja hamsters?"
"YES!" (In stereo)
"I suppose so
*mumble mumble stupid women*"
"Present!" was the reply from the youngest princess, who had
a growth spurt and now appeared to be in her mid teens
"'Bica, I believe you have the list of missing faeries?" Flori
said gravely as Bica unrolled a scarily long roll of parchment.
"Yeah, there's the Queen, Lady Red, most of the minor Elves, Imps
and nymphs are missing, all of the elementals, the snole division, the
Alchohorse, a few of the enchanted Fauna, and Belinda the Belligerent
Bee. Most of the Enchanted flora is a write-off, they've turned into opium
"That'll do for the moment." Flori sighed.
"Oh and the Crown Princess and those three geeks she hangs out with,"
"How come I'm not in charge?" whined Cablim, "I'm next
in line to the throne after Flibbage!"
"Because you're a man!" was the unanimous reply.
"Well, we'd better go and see who's still alive out there,"
Flori sighed again "I'm gonna stay here and maintain the anti-reality
spell whilst you lot go and look for survivors. Don't stay in the reality
zone for more than an hour without returning here to recharge, okay?"
* * *
you're just a boring horse!" Wailed Cabbage at Tequila, who whiffled
through his nose at her as she morosely surveyed the carnage of her kingdom.
"And you're just a sprout!" she said to Barry, who was indeed
a sprout, the reality spell obviously deciding he was more vegetable than
human. The sprout made no comment.
"Waaah! My escapist paradise of surreal dreamlike proportions is
ruined, man!" She yelled as Cablim rode up on a fairly mundane horse.
"Mum?" he said.
"Replace 'Mum' with disillusioned hopeless loser" sniffed the
"But Flori's created an anti-reality spell in the Curious Caves!
We've found nearly all the Faeries and we're taking them back there."
"Belinda, Flarry and Flibbage- but not you, because you're here
"Great- great," moped Cabbage. "Let's all go back to my
magical kingdom of 'Dank Cave' and celebrate."
Cablim, oblivious to sarcasm, turned his horse around, thinking about
how great everyone would think he was when he brought back the Queen.
upon a time a few theoretically hyperspherical fictional universes down
the road, a princess with hair as black as ebony was painting her nails
in empty-headed bliss.
"Aye me, would that a handsome prince would pass by the palace and
ask for my hand in marriage," Princess Beanderella Di Sproutania
mused, and was about to sing a duet with a cute bird on the windowsill,
when, Lo! In swept the dreaded dragon SmauGas-Board and carried her off.
"Help! Help!" cried the Princess in great distress, "The
dreaded dragon SmauGas-Board is carrying me off!" But it was too
The dragon flew her to his fearful Dragon Cave [you
where he keeps the dragonmobile and all his dragon gadgets]
where he unceremoniously dropped her on the ground.
"Ahar-Har!" quoth he in his booming dragon-voice, "Princess
Beanderella! I'm going to cook you for my supper and eat you!"
"Oh no! Do not cook me for your supper and eat me, for I am the youngest
princess of Sproutania, and I have not even got married yet!"
"HAR HAR! That's exactly the type of Princess I like!"
why is it dragons always
go after young virgins anyway? Something very disturbing about that in
stories for children
And he indeed would have cooked her and eaten her for supper, but just
then, a knight in shining armour appeared at the entrance of the dragon
"Fiendish dragon! How dare you kidnap the maidenly Princess Beanderella?"
because I'm a fiendish dragon
and that's what I do?"
"Die Foul Beast!"
"Yay!" Squeaked Beanderella, and clapped her hands. A vicious
fight ensued, and Lo! They fought and fought
and fought and fought
and then they fought some more. Up and down the dragon's lair they fought,
and there was plenty of flashing steel and fiery breath. Eventually, in
a feat of heroic bravery, the knight ran underneath the dragon and stabbed
him in the heart.
"ow." SmauGas-Board, said, and died.
"My hero!" cried Beanderella, and would have fainted if the
knight hadn't run over very fast and caught her in his arms.
"Let's get married and live happily ever after." he said.
"Well of course, Sir Knight, but won't you first tell me your name?"
The knight removed his helmet and put down his shield emblazoned with
a bluejay motif, "My name, fair lady, is Sir William of the Hood."
Then he lifted her onto his horse and they rode off into the sunset.
little further down the theoretically hyperspherical road, in a place
known as the BuffyVerse, Felicity Brassique was at the cheerleader tryouts.
"U-G-L-Y! You ain't got no alibi!"
"Get out." Said the Bitchy-Head-Cheerleader-Stereotype Britney.
"But I'm tall and leggy! And popular! Doesn't that count for something?"
"You can't be on our squad, that red hair like, totally clashes with
"DAMMIT!" Felicity yelled and stormed out. And as she was stomping
home in a huff to her Beverly Hills-esque mansion, a full moon rose over
Felicity decided to take a short cut through the graveyard, as cheerleaders
often do after dark. Thinking she heard a noise she looked over her shoulder.
There was nothing there, but unnerved she walked a little faster. Suddenly
from the bushes leapt a ferocious werewolf. Felicity suppressed her illogical
urge to say 'Don't I know you?' And instead chose to run screaming in
the opposite direction. Unsurprisingly she tripped over. The werewolf
advanced menacingly. Felicity for no apparent reason, said the first thing
that came into her cheerleader head.
You should be on a lead!"
And the werewolf was caught mid leap as vines and brambles sprang out
of the ground to wrap tightly around it.
"Like, don't I totally know you from somewhere?" said Felicity
squinting at the struggling werewolf.
I don't think so. I'm just your average teen werewolf.
How did you do that by the way?"
"Oh! Did I do that? Wow! Hey, how come you can speak?"
"Hell if I know," answered the werewolf "one minute I was
all full-moon urge to kill, but now, I feel quite normal
"Scandalous. This is so totally weird
"Tell me about it."
"So what's your name, scary werewolf?"
"Jack. E. Jameson. The 'E' is important. What about you? And you
didn't really answer the question of how you tied me up so I can't- get-
out." He struggled against the vines.[you
know, I think this episode was far more cryptic than we thought because
Tim had to have it pointed out to him. Its one thing when Becky doesnt
get it but if you've fooled Tim you're onto a winner]
"Felicity. And I'm not really sure about what I did. Then again,
this is Sunnydale."
Felicity looked at Jack. E, Jack. E looked at Felicity, even for Sunnydale,
there was something quite fundamentally wrong with the scene.
"This isn't normal," mused Felicity, "I mean, you chase
me, I trip
then it's either Slayer based rescue or horrible gruesome
"I must admit this does seem kinda unusual
The universe, upon realising that two of its occupants were definitely
not playing by the rules, decided to get rid of them in the only way it
knew how. A large inter-dimensional portal opened beneath them and sucked
them through into the next passing narrative strand.
"D-ouch!" yelped Felicity as she landed on her face.
"Yay! No full moon, I'm human again! Eek! I'm naked!" Said Jack.
"Here," said Felicity, not looking as she handed him her coat,
which unusually for a cheerleader (and helpful for the sake of modesty)
was a full length trenchcoat. When assured that he was decent, she turned
"Hey, you don't look half bad for a mortal," she told him with
"What do you mean mortal? You're the mortal." Jack. E answered,
wrinkling his nose at her.
"Oh- yeah, don't know why I said that actually
mumbled confusedly, scratching her head.
"Feh. Cheerleaders." he replied, and then the two were suddenly
struck by the realization that they'd been dropped through a hole in reality.
"Like- where are we?" asked Felicity.
"I don't know, but I have a strange urge to ask if there's any pizza?"
"Don't look at me, I keep thinking of random words that rhyme."
"That'll be because you're a cheerleader."
"Come to think of it, I said some words that rhymed just before I
tied you up
"Well that's probably completely random and co-incidental."
"I expect you're right
Before these two American teen protagonists sidetrack further, I will
describe the location they found themselves in. it was a winding cobbled
street with that 'ye olde' look that is impossible to create outside of
Hollywood. A sign attached to wall read 'Diagon Alley'.
There was no one around to ask for directions, so they wandered into a
shop with a sign saying 'Wizarding Groceries and Miscellany', there was
no one in there either.
"Where the hell is everybody?" said Jack. E.
"I have no idea," said Felicity, examining the shelves, "look
at all these bizarre things. Everything in here is so random." She
ran her finger along a shelf reading labels, "See? Nail varnish-
rose petals, crabsticks and
brioche-," she paused as she
picked up an old book and rubbed dust off the cover, "Interdimensional
?" and suddenly with special effects similar
to those used in 'Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure' a large Portaloo
furnished in mint green appeared in the middle of the shop.
"Well that was unexpected," she said vacantly as Jack. E dived
"What the FOLK is that?" he yelled from under a table.
"What's a folk?"
"Oh," said Felicity reading a sign, "it's an interdimensional
Portaloo, how useful." She peered round the door.
"Don't go in there!"
"Why not?" she said, disappearing inside.
"It might be dangerous!" Jack. E yelled as he scrambled out
from under the table. Fearing the worst, although not really sure why,
he looked into the Portaloo.
"It has all these weird panels," said Felicity, randomly poking
at buttons. And as fate would have it, she pressed the door locking mechanism.
"Argh! Get us out!" Jack. E yelled.
"I can't! I'm claustrophobic!" panicked Felicity, and they both
panicked by pressing random buttons. Suddenly there was a weird twirling
sensation and the 'flush' sound of impending doom
* * *
if any one knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let
them speak now or-" began the vicar, but was rudely interrupted;
as a large rectangular cubicle landed directly in between Princess Beanderella
and Sir William.
"EEK!" squealed Beanderella, and fainted.
"Gah!" croaked Felicity and Jack. E as they tumbled out of the
"What witchery is this!?" Sir William demanded.
"Don't I know you?" answered Felicity, squinting up at him from
a heap on the floor.
SO, TO THE CLIFF-HANGER QUESTIONS
WHERE ARE OUR HEROES?
WHO ARE THESE *MYSTERIOUS* *NEW* CHARACTERS?
DOES TIM GET IT NOW?
OR IS HE STILL CONFUSED BY THE IDENTITY OF FELICITY AND SIR WILLIAM?
WHO ARE THE BIG PRICKS?
WHAT'S THEIR DARSTARDLY PLAN?
CAN FAERIE BE SAVED?
FIND OUT IN EPISODE #63