#70 "To infinity and Beyond..." By Emily
She's still crazy-"Flibbage said, mostly to herself as Beansprout
advanced with the sword.
"I don't know why you're bothering with that disguise-if you think
I won't kill you for the sword think again, it's mine!" Beansprout
growled and and poked Flibbage in the shoulder with her own sword forcing
the injured Faery onto her knees.
"You want the Folking sword?Oh for Folk's sakes...Have it you crazy
idiot! What do I want with a Folking piece of steel? I'm a Faery! And
right now I have my own damn problems!" Flibbage pushed the sword
along the ground towards her now slightly confused adversary. "I
thought you were supposed to be intelligent-What happened to you?"
"You can't play your tricks on me, I know you're not Flibbage, Flibbage
wouldn't have my sword!" Beansprout picked the Sword of Slayskull
off the ground and pointed it at Flibbage along with the other one.
Suddenly there was the sound of running feet and-
"Flibbage don't yell at me but I don't even know how to get to Faerie
without your help and-oh shit she's back-"
"Two of you?" Beansprout said quizzically "D'Arcie didn't
say anything about there being two of you..."
Yakky drew his claws menacingly "I don't care how much you look like
my damn girlfriend-I'll do my best to kill you if you hurt Flibbage."
"You can't be serious," snorted Beansprout. "Pretending
to be my old boyfriend? He'd never win in a fight against me, he was the
most pathetic, drippy, werewolf ever!"
"I'll rip your throat out-crazy impostor!" Snarled Yakky and
"Yakky! That's the real Beansprout!!" Cried Flibbage then winced
and clutched at her stomach as she passed out.
"What?!!" Yelled Yakky, crashing to the ground mid-leap. He
looked to the prone Flibbage for an answer but got nothing.
Warily, he and Beansprout circled each other. Suddenly, the Anti-werewolf
comments hurt him a lot more, Beansprout or not she was obviously not
"You're the real Beansprout?!"
"There isn't any other Beansprout, you moronic clone-thing!"
"Yeah, except for scary, sword-wielding, psycho-bitch Beansprout
who just nearly killed Flibbage with that sword you're holding."
"You expect me to believe that?"
"You expect me to believe you're Beansprout, not some skanky clone
or a psychopathic intertextual creature?"
Beansprout faltered. "You're trying to say you're the real Yakky,
not the person I was supposed to fight to get the sword?"
"You've got the Sword, you took it from a mortally injured Faery,
it wasn't exactly difficult was it? Am I trying to get it back?,-uh no...!"
"You might be waiting for a chance to pounce on me if I let my guard
"You said it yourself, I'm the world's most ineffectual werewolf!
I can't take that sword from you if I tried. If you are the real Beansprout
no one could!"
Beansprout paused for thought. "Fine. I have the Sword, so I suppose
I'll spare your lives. You can't prove you're Yakky so I'm taking the
Sword back to D'Arcie."
Yakky fell back on his all-time favourite phrase for fixing things; "But
Beansprout-I love you!"
"That was a long time ago, whoever you are," said Beansprout
with a sigh and homed in on her intertextual link.
"It was last bloody week!" Yelled Yakky, but she had already
phased out. Yakky dashed over to Flibbage and did his best pick her up
without breaking anything. "uh-" he paused, trying think of
a spell and hoping it would work if he was holding on to Flibbage. "To
Faerie, and -uh- beyond," but of course, nothing happened.
* * *
"Send in some paramedics You fool!" Said the Twizard to Cabbage,
and slapped her round the head to show the emergency of the situation.
"Ow! Well Geez, I was just getting to that! Send in the paramedics
and-" she waggled her finger at the Twiz, "you don't hit the
Queen! People who hit the Queen, hit on the Queen, or get on the Queen's
damn nerves end up as ashtrays!"
"Yes your Royal Highness." said the Twiz snootily and stalked
* * *
Yakky was scared witless but suitably relieved when the Flaramedics arrived,
accompanied by J, Jenenchilada, Flee!-Bee and the rest of her crew, the
Twizard, Heathcliffe, and Petrobrad. Whilst the healers tended to Flibbage's
iron-wounds J filled Yakky in on the latest plan.
"We've got to track down the pocket universe where the Big Pricks
have taken Sprout-we know it's running on a speeded temporal system, so
time is of the essence -every time she ventures into multi-space she'll
be stronger and more time will have gone by."
"I don't get it, but continue anyway."
"Cabbage sent Flee!-Bee's adventurers with me as they have the necessary
skills to find her. The Twiz is almost as good at tactical planning as
Flib, Jenenchilada can spot and disable traps, use stealth or hack her
way into anything, Flee!-Bee is a great tracker, Heathcliffe is a fool,
but he can sword fight and Petrobrad has magical powers. Then there's
me, because I've got ranged weapon expertise and you- well you're the
"I tried emotional leverage, it didn't work. Not that I'm disagreeing
with J-it just didn't!" He added hastily.
"You're still alive aren't you?"
"Then it worked!"
Yakky thought of something else. "But what about the thing where
if we don't stick together the world ends?"
"Well, Flee!-Bee has dark hair and is violent, Petrobrad is effeminate
and magical- so thats the best we can do."
"Whatever, let's find my girlfriend and convince her to act like
a normal human being again."
"That's the other thing, she's actually half Faerie."
* * *
"Beansprout!" Raged D'Arcie, "Why didn't you destroy them?"
"I'd already got the Sword!"
"You have no comprehension of the threat this poses to my- uh, our-power.
They are dangerous!"
"Are you kidding?" Beansprout said, losing her temper when faced
with her sensei's irrational outburst, "One of them had a hole in
her stomach, the other wanted declare his love for me for Folks sake!
How is that dangerous?"
"Beansprout," said Darcy, "in leaving them alive they have
beaten you. If I tell you a person needs to be wiped out of existence,
you must have the strength to do it, no matter how it may appear. Appearances
can be deceiving, as the past has already taught you." She poked
Beansprout's shoulder where the gunshot scar was. "Next time, you
must be decisive, do not hesitate to strike!"
* * *
"What should we do with this, Petrobrad?" Said Heathcliffe to
the mage, pulling an ashtray out of his backpack.
"Heeeeeeeeelp meeeee!" Squeaked Barry.
"Well, I don't smoke, but we could always light some cigarettes and
stub them out in it anyway."
"Great plan. Got a lighter?"
Petrobrad clicked his fingers and magically a small flame appeared.
* * *
I think I will end it just here for today-stop
writing such long episodes! Oh: I think I'll finish with some interesting
Uh-Petrobrad and the swimsuit models?
Red and Fled (hehe it rhymes)
Conspicuously not Beansprout and Yakky-in juxtaposition to series 6
The Evil Slayskull Sword
FLibbage's Super magic
The Inter-dimensional closet
The Inter-dimensional Portaloo
The inter-dimensional telephone box
The inter-dimensional mobile-phone
The Barry transmogrification spell
Flibbage vs. Beansprout
J vs. Smorg-gasboard the dragon
Beansprout vs. Yakky
Yakky vs. J (re: weddings)
Everyone vs. the Big Pricks
Beansprout vs, her head
who are/could be in the Big Pricks:
The small dog that starred its own series in between Volume 1 and 2(?)
The Sarchitect (?)
who (probably) aren't clever enough to be in the big Pricks:
Yakky and J (re: contract)
Beansprout and the bad guys
The NGSPIB and Faerie