#73 "And all that Black Widow Crap Jazz" By Ally
more confusion was cast over the B-list faeries (and their leaders, however
temporary) when Flibbage appeared in a shower of sparkles.
"Right, we have to find the Little Voices and Flori before-"
she began motivationally(obvious some of the cheerleader spirit had stuck)
when a voice interrupted her;
"AND WHO DIED AND MADE YOU QUEEN?"
"You did," Cablim murmured to Cabbage the cat.
"Who said that?" Flibbage asked icily.
"I DID! ME! THIS IS MY DAMN KINGDOM YOUNG LADY!"
Bica quickly explained about the reincarnation incident, ending "
she's been like this ever since she found out Red drank all her Baileys."
"I'M GONNA KICK RED'S SORRY ASS TOO!"
"Uh-huh, and take on the Big Pricks, and save everyone else from
death and revive the adventurers, whilst looking like something from the
front of a birthday card. No offense Mum, but you got yourself killed,
and I've got a plan."
"And I'm Queen now. Not you."
"Well I've got valuable information
" Cabbage muttered.
"I know where to find Red and the Little Voices."
* * *
Red, Flelen Fjenny and Flathryn faced the hooded figure. On the board
that rested between them, the game was already in play.
"Okay," Red agreed and made their move.
"Hah!" Fjenny taunted the Reaper. Flelen looked confused.
Death silently shifted more tiles onto the board.
"Godammit." Flathryn sighed.
(Four of) our intrepid subplot narrative arc characters stared at the
new development in the game:
L (2) O(1) X(5) ~Death, with triple word score
"That isn't a word!" Fjenny exclaimed.
"Yes it is," said Red miserably, its American for smoked salmon.
"How do you know this useless stuff?"
"The adventures of Overmuscled Girl."
"Nevermind." [For those who don't speak
Alice or Emily this translates as 'Fearless', crap series of books about
girl who mysteriously and v. conveniently was born without the fear gene.]
Flelen picked their new letters. "Aww, these are crap..."
"Well, we're all dead," Flathryn agreed.
"True enough," said Red tastelessly, as she stared at the tiles
with new conviction, and organized them on the board, "but not for
And spelt out
Z (4) ........E(1)
U (1)....... A(1)
L (2) O(1) X(5)
crossed a triple word score, two double letters and a triple letter.
"You have won," intoned Death peevishly.
"Thanks Boney," Red said, and the four of them got up to catch
the ferry back to the land of the living.
"That was an amazing move," Said Flathryn to Red in a strange
"I like the way you managed to use eight tiles when the maximum is
"Well the phrase is 'cheating Death' ."
"Shut up Fjen."
* * *
"Okay," said Flibbage, after listening to Cabbage's account
of Red's likelihood to try and cheat Death out of sheer bloody mindedness,
"I'm gonna need someone to-"
"Hi guys! Whats with the cat?" Red said cheerfully as she and
the other three wandered into the cave.
"YOU DRANK MY BAILEYS! AND NOW YOU'VE RENDERED MY USEFUL INFORMATION
"Ooo, yabitch." Said Fjenny.
The fact that Cabbage was a cat seemed to make no difference to Red, "On
the other hand, I got us back from Death," she said.
"Although your 'Battleaxe' wouldn't have been all that useful without
Flathryn's 'cyanide'. Fjenny pointed out.
"Or indeed, Flelen's 'dog'," Red agreed.
"Never mind Mum," said Bica soothingly, "You can always
tell us where Phat, Flil and Flaq are."
"DON'T PATRONISE ME! GET ME DRUNK!!!"
"Yeah, where are they? Flibbage asked.
Red shrugged, "Don't know. Maybe they went on ahead
* * *
"This sucks," said Flil staring around at the shining landscape.
"Hey guys! We're angels and faeries! We're Flangels!" squeaked
"Or maybe aeries?" Flaq suggested.
"Hmm," said Flil, "Do you reckon we could get back to the
Realm like this?"
"Why do you hate it here?"
"It's BORING! There's nothing but puppies and sunshine and bingo
"Maybe we could transfer to a Buddhist afterlife," Flaq said,
"And get reincarnated as ourselves."
"You can," Phat said, "But I'm going to be a Guardian Flangel!"
good for you Phat, see you back in the Mortal Plane sometime."
* * *
In the council cave, the substitiute Faerie council consisted of Flibbage,
Cabbage, Red Bica and Cablim.
"I say, we try to revive the Slumbering Seven, get back the rest
of our Little Voices, and send them up against the Big Pricks, along with
my- I mean - the Queen's- Ninja Cohort of Deadly Kung-Shoe Bodyguards,"
Cabbage said after being placated with Flodka.
"But itsh been 'stablished that they're all useless against even
one of the Big Pricks," Red slurred being inebriated rather than
placated, "S'no point flogging a dead
"Whaaat!? I'm the only human in the room anyway!"
"She has a point," Flibbage mused, "the only person who
can take them out is Sprout, hence my plan."
"But she's insane!"
"So we revive J, take him back to the pocket reality, and the three
of us will try and get her head straight."
Cabbage pulled a sweet (she could hardly look anything else, she was a
small kitten afterall) face. "She might not be able to hurt you,
but if you let her out of that cage- and you'll have to some time- what's
to stop her from Chopping Yakky and J into messes?"[Thankyou
"Thass if she hasn't already killed Yakky."
Everyone stared at Red, who said "Whaaat?" again, and slid off
"That's not something I had considered," said Flib in a small
"Why not? This is Mr. 'yelling I LOVE YOU solves everything' Yakky
we're talking about!"
"Yes but I specifically told him not to-"
he's a man."
"Oh God, why did I leave him there?"
"Well if he's still alive, there is one way you can protect him."
"I can't do any magic on Sprout, she's had her brain messed with
"It's not a spell as such
more of a ritual
* * *
First Beansprout had paced up and down the cage, for what seemed like
Then she'd asked for a glass of water. Yakky had said no.
"You might stab me with a concealed weapon."
Beansprout pirouetted. "Go on, tell me. Where would I hide a weapon?"
"Don't finish that sentence."
Tentatively Yakky had taken her a polystyrene cup of water [Where
from?][ The water cooler of course],
and Beansprout had tried to pick his pocket.
"Flib didn't give me a key." Yakky explained.
Later she'd faked a seizure.
"Not even convincing," Yakky had told her, feeling quite pleased
"I hate you dog-boy!"
"Can't kill me though."
After several more attempts, she'd been silent for almost an hour.
Yakky had returned to his old tactic of staring fixedly into empty space
whilst watching her out of the corner of his eye until she said "If
you don't stop staring at me I'll -spout poisonous abuse at you."
"Why should today be different to any other.." sighed Yakky,
staring at her from the chair.
"What is with you? You'r like some kind of lovesick puppy!"
"I always look like that to you."
Beansprout glanced at him, "You think I used to be your girlfriend,
"I don't think, I know! You're the one with the false memories!"
"How do you know that?"
"Yakky started to answer then paused, "This is another trick,
"Ooo, the puppy is getting good," Beansprout muttered and yawned.
"Can I have some more water?"
"Okay," Yakky got her a cup and held it up to the bars.
Beansprout grabbed his wrist and painfully yanked him forwards. ""You
are really so stupid!" she said, holding a knife under his throat.
"You didn't have a knife before!" Yakky yelped, struggling.
"Sleight of hand, and false sense of security, fool. I'm an evil
genius with circus elf skills. Now give me the key!"
"I saw her give you a key before she left! And even if I hadn't,
you get a twitch in your eyelid when you try and lie
Yakky reached into his inside pocket, then stopped.
"Give me the key or I'll kill you." She hissed in his ear.
"You'll kill me anyway." Yakky said resignedly.
"Oh that's right!" Beansprout said chirpily-
-and was thrown backwards across the cage.
"WHAT THE FOLK!??" she screamed, scrabbling against the invisible
barrier "THE FAERIE ISN'T EVEN HERE!!!"
"I don't have to be," Flibbage said reappearing with a revived
J. She looked pale and irritated.
"Wow Flib! You have no idea how useful that spell was!" Yakky
said in a typically inane way.
"Spell yeah, magic and Faeries, hahaha
you're going to kill me
it wasn't exactly a spell, but bear in mind, you'd be dead
if we hadn't
"Flib, what are you talking about?"
Flibbage seemed to be hyperventilating, so J stepped in.
"Sprout can't hurt you, he said "because you're now the King