Volume 1: a Foolish Faerietale

Episode #69"Clash of the heroines" By Ally


Beanderella's sword swept downwards but hit nothing but air.
"Bitch! " She yelled, and spun around to see Flibbage standing a few feet away, still entirely calm.
She lunged towards her, and once again hit nothing.
" Keep still! "
"What a stupid thing to say! " Flibbage exclaimed it in sheer disbelief. With a scream of rage Beanderella swung the sword and sent a bolt of green light towards Flibbage. The Faerie lifted her hands, which were bathed in a pale green glow, and caught the energy, staggering slightly before throwing it back at Beanderella who parried it again with the Sword of Slayskull. The magic shattered, sending green sparks across the ground.
They paused, and faced each other.
" Not bad... bitch." Beanderella said grudgingly.
" Same to you, " Flibbage replied. " I thought only Beansprout could use that sword. Thought you'd be useless without her. ''
" What? "
" Still, the Sarchitect's a pretty good teacher, isn't he? And you're certainly violent and destructive. ''
" How do you know this?! "
Beanderella suddenly pitched forward as a wave of magic Flib had sent out swung back ground and hit her in the back.
" Stupid, though, " Flib mused. " Without Beansprout, really quite stupid. ''
* * *
[NB as the faerie realm has a different timescale, they could watch the action as it unfolded]

The entire Faerie Court was now crowded as close to the computer as they could get. This, as the Faerie Court was too large for everyone to see the screen had interesting results.
"OhGodOhGodOhGod..." said Red.
" Flibbage, what are you doing?!" Cabbage wailed, but added "You're doing it bloody well, though. "
" What's going on? I can't see! '' said Flathryn, one of Flori's acolytes.
" The Princess is fighting our Princess! "
" What did she say? " asked another faerie.
" The Princess is killing the Princess! "
" Apparently the Princess killed the Princess... "
" Did they say Flibbage was dead? "
" 'Scuse me, coming through... "
" No, the other one! "
" She just said the Princess was dead! "
" I didn't hear her say that. ''
" 'Scuse me... sorry... "
" Well, if neither of them are dead, maybe they're negotiating? "
" Did you hear that? "
" What? "
" He says Flibbage's reached an agreement with the other girl! "
" They say Flib sold us out! "
" To who? "
" Tch!! To the Big Pricks, of course! "
"Not to Buffy? "
"Buffy's dead! "
" Well, maybe that's what they want you to think... "
...Back by the computer....
"Oh God oh God oh God..."
"Do something, your Majesty!" Flee!-Bee squeaked.
"I can't do anything! Flib's all nicely tucked up inside her death-trap of a spell!"
"Oh God oh God oh God..."
"Excuse me... hi, everyone."
"Oh God oh God OH-SHIT!!!" Red screeched, looking up and seeing J.
"What the folk?!" exclaimed Cabbage and looked from J to the screen several times.
"But you're there!" Red said, pointing.
"Ah, well, that was the original plan..."
* * *
Beansprout Jones woke up, feeling strangely light-headed. For a few moments, she stared around at her room. For some reason, two other rooms were lingering in her mind; a medieval bedroom, and a run-down place furnished with a mattress and a few torn posters. She'd been having some funny dreams.
Not that her real life did anything to stop strange things lurking in her subconscious she thought, as she got dressed. Only last year she and her friends defeated Buffy-the-Space-Pirate for the last time, saving two worlds as opposed to their usual total of one.
Beansprout paused as she brushed her hair, which had grown back to its normal length. Flib, Yakky and J. She'd have to get in touch with them soon. She'd just been so busy... and so had they, what with Flib helping to rebuild the Realm, J picking up the pieces of the NGSPIB, and Yakky-what was Yakky doing, anyway? He'd gone off to visit Nepal, the last she'd heard, but she hadn't thought to ask why. Funny how you could drift apart from people, especially when she had so much to do.

"Morning, D'arcie," she called to the woman who was sitting at the breakfast table.
"Ah, good morning, Beansprout. Hurry up and eat, I want to fit in an hour of fencing before we carry on with the fundamental laws of the multiverse..."
* * *
"Die!" Beanderella shouted, sending more Slayskull magic towards Flib. She cackled as it drew blood, which turned into a snarl as the wound closed.
"You think you'd learn after the fifth time," Flib commented, and clapped her hands.
Beanderella screamed as her hair began to writhe and knot about her.
* * *
"Flib decided to change the plan after we heard what Beansp-derella said to Yakky," J continued. "So she stopped time and had a look in Beans-... her mind." He then explained, disjointedly the basic content of Beanderella's recent memories. The court listened in stunned silence.
"Then she made an illusion of me, and sent the real me back here to find Beansprout and get her out of whatever the Sarchitect wants her for."
"I'm so proud..." sobbed Cabbage "My only daughter..."
"Hey!" Said Bica indignantly.
" Oh yeah...sorry."
Barry the doll who had waddled surreptitiously towards the computers in the hope everyone was watching his favourite film Five (Nymphos) have Fun in Bangkok, suddenly saw two young women fighting to the death, which was slightly disappointing but not much.
"Woo! Yeah! Do they get any muddier?"
"You are sick!" Cabbage said, and turned him into an ashtray.
"Incestuous little bastard," Heathcliffe murmured.
"Not really," said Red absently. "After all, he's not her dad."
(Silence in the Court)
"What?!" Shrieked Barry the ashtray, and fell off the chair.
"I knew all along," Cabbage said, as if this settled everything.
"So who is her dad?" Asked Jenenchilada.
"Oh, some guy I met at a Festival... uh... not Strongbow, I was drinking that... uh... Fled!"
"A Faerie?"
"Well actually he's a Nymph and then only by adoption," Cabbage added, for the sake of not disrupting their entire history of the series [and because it was true of course...].
"SLUT!" Barry the ashtray shouted.
"Yes?" Answered Red mildly.
"How could you do this to me?!"
"Why do you care?"
"Because-because-"
"And it was pretty obvious, what with all the circus skills."
"Aaargh!!" Barry the ashtray tried to run away, but, lacking legs, could do no more than sit there and sniff.
"Anyway," said J, drawing attention back to the main plot. "Can I use the computer?"
* * *
"You're improving," D'Arcie told Beansprout, after they'd finished fencing practice.
Beansprout asked a question that had been nagging her for a while.
"I know you said you were training me to fulfil my potential, but... is that going to be anything specific?"
D'Arcie paused, sighed and sat down, motioning for Beansprout to do the same.
"If you remember, a long time ago you were told about a Prophecy and a Magic Sword."
"By the Faeries."
"The Faeries didn't make that Prophecy or that Sword. Think of everything that has happened to you as a test, Sprout, and this training as a fine-tuning. Yes, there is something specific, and you are nearly ready for it."
"What?"
"Your Magic Sword, the Sword of Slayskull. You have to claim it from the person who wields it now."
"But," Beansprout frowned, "didn't I have a Magic Sword?"
"No you did not. You had an ordinary sword. Possibly a Faerie blade that may have seemed magical."
"Oh."
In the corner, the computer bleeped.
"Mail," Darcy said in irritation and stood up. "Come to the study once you've read it."
"Okay."
Beansprout sat down at the computer, and noticed that the message came from FaeryNet. "Must be Flib," she murmured, and opened it.
Hello Beansprout.
Okaay, Beansprout thought and replied: Flib? Is that you?
Knock knock, Beansprout.
"Beansprout? I haven't got all day!" D'Arcy tapped on the door.
What the f- Beansprout thought, when another message appeared.
Close the Folking programme, Beansprout!
D'Arcy walked in, and saw the messages.
"Just some sick bastard," Beansprout said soothingly, misreading her expression.
"You know what this means?" D'Arcy said in a strained voice.
"No, but I'm sure you'll tell me."
"It's time. You have to claim the sword."
"Where is it?"
"I've set up an intertextual link," D'Arcy said, flapping her hands,"go and get ready!"

Beansprout, having learned to show loyalty and obedience to her sensei [It may not seem very like her, but remember, she's had a year out and time to relax] went off to get ready
D'Arcy strode over to the computer, typed a long code, and clicked: Reply.
* * *
"Folk!" J exclaimed, as the computer went dead.
"What?"
"The computer's out!"
"All the computers are out," Jenenchilada observed.
"Stupid man!" Cabbage shouted, and clouted J with her shoe.
"It wasn't him, it was the Big Pricks, Fred," Agent O said. Everyone turned to stare.
"Explain," Red said
"Well, I put together the file on the Big Pricks, Fred, and they do this kind of thing. And I'm pretty sure they're controlling Beansprout for sausages too."
"Sausages?"
"Their own ends," Phat, Faerie linguist, translated.
"What own ends?"
"Green sausages of course, Fred."
"To be their pawn in a devious plot control everything."
"Folk!" Said Cabbage, as she does.
* * *
"Now, remember, Sprout, the current guardian of the Sword is very cunning, and she can take on many forms. You maybe... surprised... when you see her, but don't be taken in. Keep focused.
"Okay."
* * *
"NOSE!"
"...whine..."
* * *
Beanderella was swaying on her feet. Her hair was ragged where she'd had to cut through it, and she was bruised and tattered by endless barrages of magic.
Flib looked mildly flustered.
"Don't stand there looking so SMUG!" Beanderella shrieked, and pointed the sword at Flib. Green sparks flickered and died.
"Oh crap."
"Finally," Flib said, stretching, yawning and muttering the words of a spell.
She really regretted closing her eyes.
The spell hit Beanderella at the same time Beanderella reached Flibbage. Pink fire surrounded her, and, like a reverse of Campfy Beanderella Choovanski split into two people.
The magic faded, and the time spell dissolved, as did the illusion of J.
"What the hell am I doin' here?" Katchoo demanded.
"Eek!" Said Beanderella "The werewolf!", hitched up her skirts and ran.
Yakky, blinking at the scene in front of him, barely noticed either of Beansprout former headfellows [that word just appeared in my head, so I used it]
"Folk!" He shouted, and rushed over to Flibbage, who was kneeling on the ground.
Flib had enough magic to withstand power of Slayskull, look into a madwoman's mind and split two tangled personalities. But she was a Faery and Faeries don't cope well when they've been run through with cold steel
"Flib! Flib! Are you okay?"
"No... you tit..." Flib growled "... I am bleeding profusely..."
"Oh my God oh my God what am I gonna do?!"
"...Go get some Folking help!"
"Okay! I'm going!" Yakky ran off aimlessly. Weakly, Flibbage hoped the Faeries would pick him up. Everything seemed to be getting fuzzy. This, she knew, was a bad sign.
She had to do something about this. She knew iron-based wounds were supremely complicated to heal. But she also knew that, if she didn't try, she would also most certainly die out here.
Gritting her teeth, she pulled the swrod out of her stomach. This left her incapable of moving for a few minutes.
She then managed to work a patchy healing spell over the wound, which reduced the bleeding slightly.
Flibbage used the sword to stagger to her feet, and stood there dizzily for a few seconds as she tried to remember the words to open a gate to Faerie. Vaguely, she saw someone walking towards her.
"Yakky...? Oh, Sprout, good... J Didn't Folk it up then..."
Beansprout paused. "That's very convincing," she said finally. "You really do look like her."
"-What?"
"Flibbage."
"But I'm-"
"No, you see, once I've seen through the act there's not much point keeping this up," Beansprout said with her customary nastiness and drew her sword.
DAAAAAAAAA!
DAAAAAAAAAAAA!

[as in certain classic yet hopelessly over-rated anime and its hilarious musical score *cough*Akira*cough*]
Anyway... HOW WILL FLIB GET OUT OF THIS ONE???

Episode#1 "The Tale Begins."
Episode#2 "Enter the Token Bloke."
Episode#3 "Stop Silicon Valley, I want to Get Off!."
Episode#4 "Faery Frolics and Fun with a Prophecy."
Episode#5 "The Loco Journeys."
Episode#6 "Cablim gets a Nasty Surprise."
Episode#7 "Beandiana Jones and the Temple of Choom."
Episode#8 "Oddball's Odd Behaviour."
Volume 2: Til Death do us Part
Episode#9 "Happy Birthday, Sweet Fifteen."
Episode#10 "The Sprout Sense."
Episode#11 "Four Funerals and another Funeral.
Episode#12 "Misty Water Colour Spirit Realm...."
Episode#13 "Interview with a Vampire Slayer."
Episode#14 "Ra-Ra-Rasputin!"
Volume 3: Space Opera
Episode#15 "Now the Thugs don't Work..."
Episode#16 "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."
Episode#17 "Lardraptors!"
Episode#18 "Go Folk Yo' Mama!"
Episode#19 "The Platetrix."
Episode#20 "In Space no one can Hear you Order Pizza."
Episode#21 "Deepwater Yak."
Episode#22 "Yak trek."
Episode#23 "Planet of the crepes."
Episode#24 "Dude Where's my Comedy Plot Conventions?."
Volume 4: Unconventional
Episode#25 "A Clockwork Beansprout."
Episode#26 "The Long Awaited Explaination."
Episode#27 "Ten things I hate about 'funny' cartoon crossovers."
Episode#28 "The Plan."
Volume 5: Happy Endings
Episode#29 "We're off to See a Werewolf..."
Episode#30 "The Yak and the Beansprout."
Episode#31 "The fellowship of the Thing."
Episode#32 "The one Where the Cast of Friends do Nothing and the Cast of IBYKS do little more."
Episode#33 "Meet your Yak."
Episode#34 "The Laughing Yak."
Episode#35 "Lord of the Thing(s)."
Episode#36 "Extra Extra Special with Magic, Cheese and Tesco."
Episode#37 "Faeries and Werewolves and Yaks, oh My!."
Episode#38 "IBYKS The animated feature film."
Episode#39 "The return of the Parents of the Children."
Episode#40 "Events Concluding Those which Preceeded."
Episode#41 "The Chips of WRATH!."
Episode#42 "In which Cabbage has Angst."
Episode#43 "Heaven is a Shoeshop."
Episode#44 "The Importance of being Soulless."
Episode#45 "Vinyl fantasy."
Volume 6: Killing Time
Episode#46 "Where is My Happy Ending...?"
Episode#47 "The Books of Faerie."
Episode#48 "Back to the Future from the Past..."
Episode#49 "The Time and Space of the Old Dude with the 'tache."
Episode#50 "Sprout, Flib, Yakky & J's Excellent Adventure."
Episode#51 "The Nerds The Nerds!"
Episode#52 "The Land of Reality."
Episode#53 "Ordinary (boring) World."
Episode#54 "Smoke and Mirrors."
Episode#55 "Some things we hate about Clones."
Episode#56 "I've got no Idea what you did Last Summer..."
Episode#57 "The Shoe Towers."
Episode#58 "Pizza is a dish best Served Cold."
Episode#59 "Sprout's Masked Replica."
Episode#60 "Curiouser and Curiouser..."
Episode#61 "Not another Season Finale?."
Volume 7: Intertextuality
pisode#62 "Faerietale."
Episode#63 "When Narrative Functions Turn Bad..."
Episode#64 "Jack, the Beanstalk, The Beauty, The Beast, The Witch, The Wardrobe and Will."
Episode#65 "Its a Good Li(f)e."
Episode#66 "The one with Four Titles..."
Episode#67 "The B Team."
Episode#68 "Narnia Has Nothing on this..."
Episode#69 "Clash of the Heroines."
Episode#70 "To Infinity and Beyond."
Episode#71 "The Thingwraith."
Episode#72 "Ghostmom."
Episode#73 "And all that Black Widow Crap Jazz."
Episode#74 "I've got a theory..."
Episode#75 "Magical Girl- Pretty Scary."
Episode#76 "Wheels within Wheels within Wheels- ARGH!"
Episode#77 "J's Story."
Episode#78 "Irrevocably Broken."
Volume 8: Loose Ends
Episode#79 "Lots of things Begin With Dee."
Episode#80 "Adventures in Slumberland."
Episode#81 "The One with the Revelation."
Episode#82 "Artificial Life Sucks.com."
Episode#83 "Saving Beansprout's Brain."
Episode#84 "The Road is Folking Hard..."
Episode#85 "The One with Gender Issues."
Episode#86 "Disneyland."
Episode#87 "(DEMON)Llama Llama Llama..."
Episode#88 "Perspective."
Episode#89 "Me, Myself and Ai."
Episode#90 "Wedding Cake or Death."
Episode#91 "Real Life.or Pizza, With Extra Cheese."
Extras
Episode#92 "Prologue in Manga Form."
Episode#93 "Curtain Opens."
Episode#94 "Trailer for series six."
Episode#95 "A nepalese Werewolf in London."(Flashback story, prelude to series eight)
Episode#96 "Fantasy Life Sucks."
Episode#97 "Credits Roll."
Episode#98 "IBYKS Companion (Part 1)."
Episode#99 "IBYKS Companion (Part 2)."
Episode#100 "IBYKS Companion (Part 3)."