writing this episode listening to Gabrielle's 'Dreams' which creates entirely
the wrong atmosphere.)
Episode #71 "The League of Mildly Surprising Gentlemen (and Two Ladies)"
or "The Thingwraith"
is the episode where we started on our campaign of killing people who
wouldn't read IBYKS]
let me get this straight," Red said to Cabbage. "We've got our
team of people out there following Beansprout, and our team of people
back home searching for intertextual links and advising them."
"Yes." Said Cabbage, "We have that."
"And without this second team of people, They're pretty much screwed,
'cause we've got all the background files on the Big Pricks and we can
tell them what to expect?"
"That is also true."
"And you put me in charge???"
"Listen, I'm as apprehensive as you are, but Flori is out on surreality
detail in some far flung corner of the realm, seeing as we still live
in a glorified cave."
"Well what are you going to do, whilst I'm cocking this up?"
"I," said Cabbage grandly, "am going for a pedicure,"
and swept out of the room.
Red sighed and turned to her chosen team, which consisted of Flathryn
(for Wisdom), Flelen and Fjenny (for scary combo advising, in the same
kind of vein as their scary combo fighting), Flil, Phat, and Flaq (because
they were nearby when Oddball announced her findings about the Big Pricks
and because they hadn't had much to do that day).
"Okay guys, we're going to be using the Rite of Little Voices in
the Head. It's completely painless."
"Good," said the team.
"so just lie back in your chairs while Oddball sticks this plug into
the back of your head."
* * *
League of MSG&2L (otherwise known as the magnanimous seven) were striding
boldly through D&D11th in search of some kind of rip in the fabric
of space-time, when Jenenchilada shrieked.
"There's something in my head!"
"Argh!" said Yakky, "My head too!"
"What the Folk!?" J exclaimed.
"Oh, hi Flelen," said Heathliffe calmly as if he had imps in
his head everyday.
Flee!-Bee squeaked in alarm and Petrobrad assumed a long-suffering expression.
if you disturb so much as one of my braincells
The Twiz threatened.
"Jenen, if you would kindly tell everyone to calm down," said
Red, "we're here to pass on our findings on the Big Pricks, so when
you get to D'Arcie's house, you won't be killed by Bambi, for example."
Jenenchilada relayed the information. "Hah!" said Heathcliffe,
drawing his sword. "I can take on any cute fluffy animal you care
"Cute and fluffy
comic book reference. Read strangers in paradise, then you will understand
the fear that is bambi)
"Ahem," said Yakky, "Flathryn would like to remind us to
get moving, because two weeks have already passed in 'Sprout's timeframe."
"You are so under the thumb
"Shut it, Pedro."
"That's PETROBRAD to you!"
* * *
Back in Faerie
(First person point-of-view of Flori setting up a minor nonsense charm
around a drain [Strong symbol of reality, only seen
in gritty dramas][you know, first person
POV is the single most untrustworthy camera angle in the universe
it's the camera angle of evil
"Oh its you," said Flori looking up, (she had been working very
hard and so, despite her Faerie knowledge she forgot that you NEVER use
these three words in conjunction with this particular camera angle) "Could
you give me a hand? Just hold my wand a second-"
When Flori's apprentices arrived a few minutes later, all they found was
a half finished charm and a pointy hat lying sadly on the concrete.
* * *
The magnanimous seven crouched in the bushes outside D'Arcie's mansion.
"Now remember," said Flelen through Heathcliffe, "we can't
lose the element of surpr-"
"Oh look at the cute little deer!" Heathcliffe interrupted himself
in an unnecessarily loud voice.
Before anyone could turn a withering glance at Heathcliffe for his uncharacteristic
attack of sentiment, a tall butch blonde woman barreled through the leaves,
saw the team crouching, and cracked her knuckles. The cute little deer
bared its sharp little teeth.
"Bambi and Bambi! Aiii!" yelled J.
"Isn't it just a deer and a girly looking man?" asked Yakky
While the two principal boys were wasting time in their usual endearingly
stupid manner, Bambi had Knocked Flee!-Bee out whilst Bambi bit Petrobrad's
leg. (I'll leave the question of which Bambi was which up to your own
"Curse you!" Shouted Petrobrad, and proceeded to do just that.
"What do we know about Bambis!?" Red asked the other little
voices [Don't ask me how she did it, I don't
know][Uh, some sort of telepathy
by an accident with strange chemicals when she was young?]
"Well the deer is afraid of fire." Flathryn answered.
"And the woman is covered in tattoos!" said Phat.
"Aha!" Said Petrobrad, and worked a very nasty curse which brought
the tiger tattoo on Bambi's back to life. J just shot the deer.
"Some people but definitely not me would call that an anticlimax"
Yakky told J.
"Eh," J replied with a shrug.
"Can we continue?" The Twiz asked, with unbridled contempt.
* * *
same eerie camera angle)
"Dum dee Dum dee Dum
" Cabbage hummed as her Faerie Beautician
(rather similar to a Faerie godmother, but its worse when they mess up)
painted her toenails. "What do you want?" she asked *******
The wand produced a shower of black sparks and then the room was empty
except for a pair of regal looking kitten heels
* * *
"We've faced the bodyguards, and bypassed the state-of-the-art security
systems," said Yakky as he tapped D'Arcie's date of birth into a
keypad which opened the front door. "Whats up next?"
"Well you might want to duck." Said Flathryn.
what the hell is 'the penitent man kneels before God'
supposed to mean?!!!" the Twiz snapped.
"Eeek!" Yelled Jenen, and everyone hit the floor as a huge circular
blade shot across the hall and buried itself in the wall.
"Owww," whimpered Yakky.
"What?" asked Flee!-Bee."
"My ears are significantly higher than everyone elses
"Hah!" said Heathcliffe unceremoniously and began to use Barry
the ashtray to lever the blade out of the door. "That kind of thing
happens all the time! Now you'll have manly battle scars."
"Owowow!!!" squeaked Barry.
"Oh shut up! porcelain doesn't have nerve endings." Snapped
Yakky. The tip of his left ear was now somewhere else in the room.
"Don't be ceramicist!"
"Shut up!" Heathcliffe said and dropped Barry on the floor,
where he chipped. "Your girlfriend is probably in the Dojo, Yakky."
"How does Heathcliffe know the house has a Dojo?" Red asked
"I don't know! Isn't he clever?" said Flelen dreamily.
* * *
need we add the camera angle?)
Flibbage lay on a bed in the center of a room covered with healing runes
and charms. A complicated Magnetic blood dialysis machine was slowly removing
the iron poisoning from her system.
thinks our unknown assailant. If she ever even wakes up
at all, I'll let the girl deal with her.
was having her recurring nightmare. She was strapped to the top of a Christmas
tree and was being pelted with sugared almonds. Much to her relief, the
landscape changed to become a desolate wasteland.
Flib turned around and saw a tall blonde elf standing under a skeletal
tree. She was instantly familiar.
"I've seen your portrait in the great hall! You're one of the old
queens of Faerie!"
"Late Queen." Said the elf primly, "Yes I am Galabrielle
of the Elementals, and former ruler of this Realm. I bring you a warning
of what may be."
"That's very nice of you. What is it?"
Galabrielle gestured at the desolate wasteland. "This. This is the
possible future of Faerie."
"Funny, it looks pretty much like this already. Couldn't you have
told me this two weeks ago?"
Galabrielle pointed at the ground. "The enchanted pool will tell
you how these events may come to pass."
"That's a crappy mirror"
Galabrielle sighed, "Will you stop making sarcastic comments and
listen to your learned ancestor? A crappy mirror is a perfectly good substitute
for an enchanted pool. Just ask any brownie.[for
our male readership, if you join the brownies you have to look in the
crappy mirror and pretend it's a pool, then you see your reflection and
that tells you your supposed to help people out. There's even a song,
it goes 'Twist me and turn me and show me the elf. I looked in the water
and there saw myself.]
"If you say so, your long-deceased majesty." Flib looked into
the crappy mirror.
There was a rush of images and words. Six figures stood silhouetted against
a forge whilst one heated a sword in the flames. Then she saw Beansprout
hacking and slashing in fragments of all the battles she'd fought. On
a sheet of paper she saw the words 'Sword of Slayskull, or the Thing for
the opening of locked doors
' Then she saw Beansprout again, practicing
sword moves as a dark haired woman called instructions. '
return to its makers, for those who live by the sword shall die by the
' then in last gruesome image, she saw Beansprout, surrounded
by bodies lying on the ground. One figure was left standing, ready to
face her, and with a shock, Flibbage realized it was Yakky.
The mirror turned black, Flibbage raised her eyes back to Galabrielle.
"What does this mean? When will it all happen?"
"Some of it has happened already, some of it there is still time
to change. The Big Pricks Created the Sword as a means of ultimately ruling
the world. As you know, it's a little obsession of theirs. Unfortunately
by some lucky twist of fate none of them had the power to weild it, so
the task fell to another."
"Yes Beansprout. A girl with the necessary turmoil of good and evil
within her, for the sword has the same. She's always believed she's used
it for good, but the Big Pricks have manipulated you all into bringing
down their rivals, the NGSPIB, Buffy
others who wanted to rule the
world. Their only rival left is those who protect the Earth, The Realm
of Faerie. So they have worked to turn her against her own allies. The
Thing knows the will of its creators- whilst they exist it can only be
used for their cause."
"She's just a pawn?"
"And just as easily sacrificed. 'All those who live by the sword,
will die by the sword
' unless she is stopped, in her fragile mental
state it will consume her."
"Why did it choose Beansprout?"
"The Big Pricks are cunning. They saw the four of you and knew that
if you weren't working for them, you'd be fighting them, and you'd stand
a good chance of winning. And of the four of you
it seems Beansprout
is genetically and psychologically perfect to weild that sword. Perhaps
it was fate."
"Why do you care anyway? You're dead!"
"This is still my country. And now it is your country. They are taking
it apart from the inside. Do you want to see it become this forever?"
"No. I'll be waking up now. And what do you mean now its my country?"
"You'll see." Said Galabrielle, as she began to fade away, "You're
in charge now, your majesty."
* * *
The Magnetic [magnanimous bores me now]
Seven had finally reached the heart of D'arcie's stronghold (or at least
the door to it), Yakky was still whimpering slightly over his torn ear.
"Okay!" said Heathcliffe loudly, "In we go!"
"Why must you always yell?" J asked.
"Beacause Flelen is chattering non-stop in my head, if its any business
of yours." Said Heathcliffe defensively.
"Shh!" Jenenchilada hissed, drawing on the power of her magic
trainers to pick the lock. "This time can we please keep the element
The door clicked, and the League crept stealthily into the darkened room.
" Flee!-Bee murmured, "Too qu-"
"Lights!" someone said. The dojo was suddenly filled with glaring
lights from the ceiling and the Seven found themselves surrounded by Darker
Girls with D'Arcie sitting at the far end of the room in a customary black
"Welcome," D'Arcie said, smiling coldly. "So nice you could
all make it here."
"Ah, cut your Black Widow crap, D'Arcie!" Said J, then felt
very self conscious.
"Beansprout?" called D'Arcie behind her, "Your guests are
* * *
The Little Voices Chamber was silent and still apart from the twitching
bodies of the other seven.
A young, nervous looking nymph edged into the chamber and pattered over
to the nearest Faerie.
"What are you up to
The nymph squeaked and turned around. Oddball stood in the entrance to
the cave, arms folded.
"You're Flarry aren't you, Fred?"
"Tch," said Oddball, "Just a pervy little Nymph, coming
to stare at the elves, when they won't notice
"I'm not!" said Flarry, eying Fjenny's breasts.
"Go away you little freak, before I call the Queen!"
"Eeep!" said Flarry, who found the Queen so attractive that
he was reduced to mere jelly in her prescence, ran away.
Oddball chuckled darkly into the gloom. "Not that she'll be able
" She strode over to the nearest Faerie, grabbed the
plug at the back of her head, and pulled.
* * *
Yakky all but forgot the pain in his ear as Beansprout stepped into the
room. He remembered someone saying that the timescale differences would
mean two weeks had passed for her, but the changes were far too drastic
for such a short time. Not only was she dressed in an outfit she'd rather
die than wear usually- a skin tight body armor suit, in black naturally-
her skin was paler, her eyes darker. She seemed thinner, but she held
the Sword of Slayskull with more careless ease than ever. She was so different,
he thought, and then realized he found it hard to see her as Beansprout
"Damn," J murmured. Yakky hit him, and then hoped desperately
that Flib's curses had been broken because of her injuries.
Meanwhile,the others were preparing for battle, drawing swords, gathering
magic and so on.
"Really," D'Arcie said with a yawn, "you've already lost."
"Oh yeah? When?" Flee!-Bee snapped.
"When you invited two members of the Big Pricks into Faerie."
"What?!" yelled everyone, as Petrobrad pitched forwards and
lay still on the floor.
* * *
Oddball moved onto the next faerie
* * *
"Your leaders know Oddball was a double agent, yet still they keep
on trusting her," D'Arcie mused. "Fools. Still, I don't expect
they had the time to regret it much
Flee!-Bee crumpled to the ground.
"And then there's the matter of the infiltrator in this little group
"Beansprout!" Yakky hissed. She didn't look at him.
J collapsed with a small grunt of surprise.
"What the folk are you doing!?" Yakky shouted at D'Arcie.
Oddball is disconnecting the Little Voices. A huge shock to both parties
The Twiz fell. Yakky glared at Beansprout. She gave no sign of reaction
to the events unfolding in front of her.
D'Arcie tapped her cheek and smiled at the three left standing. "Which
one of them is it, Yakky? Isn't the suspense exciting?"
Yakky, turned to look at them, just as Heathcliffe hit the ground. "Its
YOU!?" he said, staring at Jenenchilada.
"Yup," the Rogue replied cheerfully.
"How can it possibly be you!?"
"I'm a badass!!!" Jenenchilada smiled, and her clueless expression
melted away as she removed a bracelet she was wearing. "You didn't
think a rogue as good as me would have only one trick up her sleeve? Amulet
of Ditzyness +9, very helpful at making your enemies underestimate you."
"Yakky, heard the frantically yelling voice in his head suddenly
being cut off. Whatever had happened to Flathryn, he was obviously mean
to stay conscious.
The same thing had obviously happened to Jenenchilada. "Finally,
she shuts up," she muttered, and went to stand by D'Arcie.
"What do you want with me?" Yakky yelled, not knowing that this
is a special phrase reserved for big-breasted, ineffectual heroines, and
sounds dodgy even then.
"Well before we send our little super weapon here into Faerie, we
want to check she's capable of killing the people we want her to,"
"People she's supposed to care about." Jenenchilada added, and
smiled at Beansprout. "Go on, kill him."
Beansprout raised the sword [As I was typing,
I had media player randomly skipping through my music collection, and
just now it came up with 'Firestarter'
now that's fight music!]
and stepped forward.
* * *
Flibbage woke so suddenly that she sat up and stared at the cavern wall
for several minutes before realizing where she was. Once she'd recovered,
she disentangled herself from the majimedical equipment, got to her feet,
and padded slowly out into the passage. It was quiet.
She wandered into a nearby cave, where she found a pair of Cabbage's Regal
Kitten-Heels, lying discarded on the floor.
" Flibbage said, and putting the shoes on to protect
her feet from the stone floor she wandered back to the corridor. "Hello?
Unluckily for an unwell girl, the next room she wandered into was the
Little Voices chamber.
"GAAAH!!!" She stared around in panic, then she shook her fist
at the ceiling. "So I'm in charge am I!!? In charge of what??? And
they seem to be a damn sight further gone than you implied!"
A small psychedelic kangaroo hopped into the cave, carrying a pointy hat
between its teeth. It dropped the hat at her feet and began to make random
noises. Flib wondered if she was hallucinating, but decided she really
didn't care anyway.
"What's that Trippy? *Pause* Oddball?! *Pause* The members of the
High Court?! *Pause* Damn that Flarry, what a little perv!!!"
Flibbage thought for a few seconds, then lifted the hat onto her head
and folded her arms. "Trippy, I've got a plan."
WHAT HAS ODDBALL DONE?
HOW WILL YAKKY GET OUT OF THIS ONE?
CAN BEANSPROUT BE SAVED?
HOW WILL FLIBBAGE LAUNCH A COUNTERATTACK ARMED ONLY WITH MAGICAL ACCESSORIES,
LOW LEVEL MEMBERS OF THE FAERIE COURT AND AN IMAGINARY KANGAROO?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON INUBUYAKASHA!