#72 "Ghostmom" By Emily
[would you stop writing such long episodes Alice? You don't have to type
Allrighty~ question of the week, If Flibbage talks to an imaginary kangaroo,
what form does you inner monologue take?
1) Bridget Jones style rambling?
2) Sex& the City style self help book debating?
3) Ally mcBeal Style hallucinating with sound effects?
4) Scrubs style philosophical overture with amusing sketches?
5) Black beauty stupid talking horse narration.
Ponder it as you read today's tale.]
Anyone here? OI!!!" Cabbage yelled into the general darkness.
"Oh dear lord no, not you," intoned a metallic hued faerie,
appearing from nowhere.
"GAH! Titania! That truck had nothing to do with me, I swear-! Uh-oh,
this means I'm dead too."
"Duh." Said the ex-queen with a sneer.
"Urgh! You metal faeries! Do you have to be so bloody rude all the
time? You should take some advice from Flori, she manages to be perfectly
civil." Cabbage looked at her feet. "Dammit, I'm gonna have
a half-finished pedicure for the rest of eternity!"
"You are so shallow!" scolded Titania, "This is the final
resting place of the Queens of Faerie! Count yourself lucky that a lowly
vegetable elf is here at all!"
"Yes, and because I'm not an impossible BITCH like you Titania, I've
got children who will continue ruling the Realm for 'lowly vegetable
elves'. Now if it doesn't offend you too much, I'm off to get reincarnated,
because I can't stand your company for one second longer. I think I'll
be some kind of carnivore, there're people I've wanted to bite for quite
some time now." And with a gesture that Faeries find incredibly rude,
she disappeared, just as Galabrielle returned.
Cabbage is dead." Said Titania.
"Yes. Long live the Queen." Her more agreeable predecessor answered.
* * *
Yakky, who had never really considered the question of which of the two
of them was the faster runner, was wondering whether to accept his fate
and die at the hands of his crazed girlfriend, or to rely on limited werewolf
powers and dodge her until she killed him anyway, when Flibbage appeared
from nowhere, to save his ass. Again.
"Hold it!" The Faerie yelled, holding up her hand as Beansprout
bounced off an invisible wall.
"What are you wearing?" said Yakky slowly, looking at Flibbage,
who looked more weird than usual. Being dressed in a hospital gown, a
pointy hat, and green kitten heels, she looked like she'd had a run in
with a clothes tree.
"These are the Queens Regal Kitten Heels, Yakky. I am wearing them."
"Huh?" said Yakky.
"Kill them Beansprout." Said D'Arcie "For goodness sake,
Faeries are so ridiculous."
"I'm trying!" snarled the once heroine of our tale, slicing
at the invisible barrier.
"Idiot." Flibbage said to D'Arcie. "No citizen of Faerie
can harm the Queen,"
"Oh!" said Yakky.
"It's a rule," Flibbage continued, "That encompasses all
Faerie sub-races, Enchanted Flora and Fauna- and Half-Breeds. That's new
to you, isn't it, D'Arcie? Your perfect weapon; unstable, dubious moral
values, convenient lack of soul, and up until now, you thought she was
the daughter of an evil megalomaniac. Sorry D'Arcie, she's half-Nymph.
Not so threatening really.
"WHAT!?" Yelled D'Arcie and Sprout in unison.
Flibbage clicked her fingers, causing the other members of the oblivious
seven to disappear, bound for Faerie. She clicked the fingers of the other
hand causing Oddball to appear in the room.
"Fool!" Raged D'Arcie, "Why Didn't you just kill the damnable
"That'd spoil the plot Fred." Said Oddball. (Perhaps
proving that no one will EVER know whose side she's fighting for.)
Flibbage smiled darkly from within the protective shield that surrounded
her and Yakky. "Now, You've got your people. I've got mine. And seeing
as Beansprout isn't in the mood to listen to reason, I guess I'll just
have to kidnap her." And, tapping her regal kitten heels together,
the three of them disappeared. The sword of Slayskull clattered to the
floor, and laying flickering ominously.
* * *
Back on Earth, Little Sophie's Mother and Father were going out for the
evening, leaving her in the care of her grandmother.
"Night Night darling, see you in the morning," her mother said,
giving her a kiss. Sophie held her new pet, a small kitten up for a kiss
"Say goodnight to snowflake!"
"Goodnight Snowflake," the Mother said, ruffling the kitten's
"Snowflake can talk Mummy! But she says it's a secret."
"That's lovely dear, you do what Granny says and go to bed when you're
told." Mother looked over at granny, who was dozing in the armchair.
"Be good." And with that, her parents left.
Sophie placed the kitten gently on the floor.
"Told you so," said the kitten, scratching its ear.
"Don't be mean Snowflake, Mummies always believe their children in
"There's stories I could tell you, would make your hair curl,"
the kitten answered, following Sophie up the stairs.
"My hair is curly, Snowflake!"
"Figure of speech, kid. And do you have to call me snowflake?"
"It's a lovely name!"
"So are Raven and Midnight and Jet and Sweep, or any number of BLACK
"Well what name would you choose?"
"Eurgh, but that's a nasty vegetable, not a name!"
"Its an extremely *useful* vegetable actually
" said the
cat haughtily as it padded into Sophie's room and leapt onto the bed.
"Yuck," said Sophie to herself, "What game shall we play
"Ever been to the Faerie Realm, kid?"
* * *
Yakky found himself in a vast white space that defied dimensions. In the
center of it, was a small white platform on which he stood with Flibbage,
who seemed to have gone into full 'I'm a Faerie, don't question my actions,
they will eventually become clear' mode. The platform was furnished with
two chairs and a cobwebby structure that formed a sort of cage, in which
Beansprout was imprisoned.
"Now where are we?" asked Yakky.
"It's a new dimension" said Flibbage serenely. "I'm creating
a new Faerie Realm. The old one is too spoiled to fix. It runs on the
same kind of timescale as D'Arcie's, to give us more time. For the moment
it's the safest place to keep her,as no one exept us three know it exists
Yakky was struck by a horrible certainity. "Your mother is dead isn't
she? That's how you got her shoes. You're Queen of Faerie."
Flibbage ignored him. "We've got to work out how to get Beansprout
back now she's been separated from that sword." Flibbage pressed
her hand over the would in her side. "I can still feel it" she
"Faerie! I'll rip your heart out!" hissed Beansprout from inside
the cage. "I want my sword back!"
"How the hell are we supposed to fix this?!" Yakky asked morosely.
"one moment everything is fine, then suddenly you realize you thought
you were some kind of teen horror movie reject and your girlfriend has
become a crazed nutcase
"You're next dog-features," snarled Beansprout.
Yakky sighed and flopped into one of the chairs. "That's my girl
he added sarcastically.
* * *
"Everybody! Get in here! NOW!" yelled Bica, amplifying her voice
so it rang through the caverns. In her hand she held a golden envelope
inscribed with Flibbage's handwriting that had appeared with the unconscious
bodies. Gradually the remnants of the court filtered in from various passages.
"The Queen is dead," said the Princess bravely, "Long live
"Long live the Queen," The shocked crowd murmured.
"It gets worse," Bica replied. "Imperial witch Flori is
also missing, presumed dead. Two more members of the Big Pricks were unmasked
today. Jenenchilada the Rogue and Agent Oddball of Nepal. Do not trust
these former allies. If you see them or the Half-Faery Beansprout, I suggest
you run. Fast.
Remember also, there may be more members of the Big Pricks. Don't trust
ANY human except Red or J. In the absence of any higher authority, you
will report to me or Cablim."
"What?" Said Cablim.
"WHAT!?" echoed the crowd.
"With most of the high court MIA or unconscious, we are the two highest
ranking elves, and even if Cablim is an idiot, he is royalty, and
if you don't answer to your royalty, what kind of society would it be?"
"A democracy?" ventured a sprite.
The lower Faeries probably would have fallen to arguing amongst themselves,
without any reliable authority figures, but at that moment there was a
sudden bang and a little girl appeared holding a piece of paper with symbols
scrawled all over it, and a small black kitten.
"Lucky spell, lucky spell
" the little girl repeated to
herself, staring around.
"IT'S A HUMAN!!! KILL IT!!!" shrieked someone.
"Oh, for Folk's sake!" said the Kitten in a very familiar voice.
"Pull yourselves together and get me some Baileys!"
"Mum!?" said Cablim quizzically.
"Who else you moron!!! Now GET ME A DRINK!!!
I'M GONNA KICK SOME ASS!"
* * *
"I'm going to Faerie to instigate phase two of the plan." said
Flibbage, after they'd sat staring at scary Beansprout for about an hour.
Remember, we're accelerated in time, so I might be gone a while. No-one
can get in or out of here without my say-so yet, so its safe. Just don't
let Beansprout out of the cage. Not for ANY reason, do you understand?
You know she's smarter than you and you know how well she can lie, so
just don't do it. Okay?"
"Okay." Yakky tried to look brave and competent, despite being
"She can't get out. Don't let her out, Yakky." Flibbage repeated
and slowly faded away.
Beansprout, smiled sweetly at him. "I'm going to trick you Yakky,
she said, still smiling, "then you're going to die..."
Yakky edged his chair as far as possible from the cell.
CABBAGE EVERSTOP INTERFERING?
WILL YAKKY STAND UP TO BEANSPROUT?
WHERE IS FLORI?
WILL THE MARGINALISED SEVEN REGAIN CONSCIOUSNESS?
ALL THIS AND MORE IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF
[*Applause Applause Applause*
for successfully tying up all the loose ends I left flapping around, adding
in some good ol' Anime in-jokes that only you and I will understand and
making Cabbage into a smart-ass talking cat (over played concept, but