#83: Saving Beansprout's Brain
[Anyway, in response to popular demand (i.e.
which, if we count ourselves as readers, makes up nearly 20%
of our readership
not too shabby - I'm going to try and write my self-projection into this
episode. Yay. NB: I watched Excel Saga this morning and can't be held
responsible if it creeps into the episode. It's insidious.][hahaha,
exel saga influences everything it touches. Remember that episode of
dspring with the suit?][TIME-OF-TYPING-EDIT
I'd just like to point out that I do not like this episode at all. Thank
you.][quit yer whining.]
self-projection sat in a small Parisian bar with a varied collection
of artists, writers and musicians who were sitting around bitching about
capitalism and the rat race. She was drinking a virgin Bloody Mary and thinking about Inubuyakasha.[oooh,
your self-projection is an arty studenty type]
maybe this episode can be all about insane jealousy and
painfully awkward romantic moments
The art-people stopped talking about how much of a sell-out certain
people were and watched with withering expressions as Imaginary Em kicked
down the door of the bar and stomped over to Ally's table.
"NO! No no no! You do that too often in your writings as it is!"
"Well, how about I kill everyone?"
"Baka! Just move it out of the palace - no killing anyone!"
The more pretentious of the art people sniffed. "Oh
" [Em, I have to find you that
random essay I read
'Fine art is pure, illustration is the beginning
of selling out'
it's by an illustrator who spent his entire art
degree being bitched at by the fine artists in his year. Guaranteed to get you throwing
shoes ^_^][Am I really this aggressive
all the time? Must read this essay, sounds like fun.]
"Baisse-toi!" Ally shouted
and turned back to Em. "I can't help it. It's like a compulsion
"Well, get over it!" Imaginary Em said, and left, stopping
only to concuss the pretentious art person with a well-aimed boot.
Oh well, Ally thought, I felt like moving, anyway
So she went to imaginary Nepal and lived in a cave for a while. The
effects on the episode were tragic.
[They really were.]
intrepid quartet strode boldly across the occasionally-shifting landscape
of the mortal realm. Dee strode alongside them, trying to pretend she
was in no way connected with these people.
"Guys?" asked Yakky.
"Where the hell are we?"
"Nepal," Beansprout muttered.
"Why? Last thing I remember we were in the palace
"And how come Beansprout's here and we're not hiding behind something?"
added J. "No offence."
"It's the AI," Flib sighed. "Obviously the writer of
this part of The Story is trying to be literary and the A.I's taking
it to ridiculous extremes."
" *sigh* Just sit tight, here comes the flashback
[I really hate this episode. Feel free to stop
reading any time you want
you learn to spell!? A.I has a dot in it! Two words dammit, two words...Alice
typed the first four episodes of this series and I had to re-edit them
are we going to do?" asked Red.
"We're going to do what we always do when things get ridiculous,"
Cabbage snapped, and turned to Beansprout, Flib, Yakky and J. "OUT!
Out of my palace!"
"Hey! I'm Queen!"
"But I have CLAWS!"
"But what about Beansprout! She might kill us! No offence,"
" said Red. "We can't do a spell, the A.I'll
just rewrite it."
"I might be able to help," said Dee.
"Will you stop being so helpful? It's depressing!" Flib snapped.
"She can help all she likes as long as it gets you out of my damn
that explains why we're here," J whispered. They were sitting against
a darkened greyscale backdrop watching the flashbacks. Flib had inexplicably
found some popcorn. "But not why we're comfortable around Beanspr
wonder I say 'no offence' such a lot
"It also doesn't explain why she's here," Beansprout glared
"Shh! Flashback two!"
is it?" J stared at the crossbow-like piece of weaponry with great
Dee sighted along it, pretending not to realise that she was aiming
at Flibbage. "One of the pack's Beta's came up with it. It's called
an Espresso Shot."
"Oh, dear God, you said that without any trace of shame!"
Flibbage wailed. "And DON'T point it at me!"
Dee ignored her. "We noticed that every Starbucks had disappeared.
Then someone remembered what happens to a computer if you spill coffee
on it. So our engineer put this thing together."
"Let me guess," Flib said sardonically. "A slug of strong
coffee right through the head."
"You're pretty logical for a fairy."
"There are only two bolts," Yakky observed.
Dee nodded. "One for the AI, and one
"What do you mean, backup."
"If Beansprout turns evil," said Dee "I'll shoot her."
"You weren't too bothered at the time," said Dee, pointing
at the freeze-frame in front of them.
"YOU'RE READY TO SHOOT MY
to shoot Beansprout?"
"Ready and willing."
Flibbage glanced nervously at Beansprout. She hadn't reacted at all.
OUT OUT! STOP FAFFING AROUND WITH THAT CROSSBOW! OUT!"
"Cabbage means," said Red, standing up and striking a diplomatic
pose [hark!]"your quest is
to hunt down and destroy the evil AI to bring peace, stability and an
end to weak plot devices!"[A.I!!!! A.I
"Mum?" said Beansprout.
And so they left Faerie, much to the relief of everyone.
"Now I can get my palace back to normal!"
" said Red, staring at Cabbage.
"What? Do I have something on my face"
not exactly your face
on your head
and little wings on your back
"NOOOO!!!" Cabbage screamed "Not a FRIKKIN' MOOGLE!".
[Guess what else I'd been reading when I wrote
this? Sorry, Tim.]
"Who would have thought the AI would stoop to such underhand theft?"
still confused," J announced.
"Well, at least something's normal," said Flib. "Sprout,
can I talk to you for a moment?"
Flib led Sprout a little way off the path. "Are you Okay?"
"About as much as I can be."
"No, you're not even that. It's like you're hardly here. You haven't
even hit Dee!"
Beansprout shrugged. "There's a good chance you're all going to
"This isn't right! Why are you doing this?"
Beansprout was silent for a while. Then she sighed.
"I'm just tired of it."
Before Flib could say anything, someone shouted "Hey guys!"
They looked up to see Kagome running towards them, wearing a T-shirt
that said 'My Hanyou went to Middle Earth and all I got was this stupid
"Have you two seen Inuyasha? He's disappeared!"[Inu-Yasha.
also. Two. Words.]
"I don't know, I was drunk
Flib groaned. "Folking inconsistencies
"We haven't seen him," said Beansprout.
OK, thanks anyway!" Kagome ran off,
teetering as she went.
"Beansprout?" Flib said, staring after her.
"I have a plan!"
don't understand. Again," J complained.
"It's easy," said Flib. "Evil humans have elvish doubles
to balance them out. One neutralises the other. So if we find Beansprout's
half-elf-half-human double, it should have the same effect!"
Dee made one of her infuriating faces, but Flib ignored her.
"Any complaints? No? Right! Let's go and save Beansprout's brain!"
Yakky and Dee were the only ones still up.
"You wouldn't really shoot Beansprout, would you?"
Dee nodded. "If she was going to hurt you. Come on, Yakky, you
know her better than I do and even I can see she'd never forgive herself
if that happened."
you wouldn't enjoy it, would you?"
"Of course not. Did you enjoy beating the crap out of Lance?"
Yakky didn't answer. Dee smiled.
From her sleeping bag, Beansprout listened and seethed.
Ally's self-projection shouted, and threw the notebook across the cave,
where it hit Imaginary Em [who was flying around
on a pair of angel wings for no apparent reason]. "Oh,
sorry."[obviously Imaginary Em in Alice's
head, is all chaos and anger and has none of the crypticness of the
people in Emily's head
because its all over there in Emily's head,
"I hate it. It's so hard to put the funny back in when it's got
so dark. And it's really cheesy. I'm going to cross it out and start
"NO! You always do that and it ends up taking years! I'm going
to steal this away," Imaginary Em added, and flew off as fast as
her wings could carry her.
"Just you try and escape my twisty brain!" Ally shouted, then
remembered that as it was the same brain as Em's, she knew all the exits.
"Damn," she said, and disappeared off to New York.
don't know why Imaginary Em has wings. I really don't. Yay! The episode
Write the last two, then we can get on with MY typing
consistent abbreviation and hyphenation :P][At
the end of the last episode, I drew my representation of Imaginary Em
Em began this one with 'Gingerbread Alice' - one of my favourite sketches
despite the fact that Em rather than me is Gingerbread
Alice: "Then everybody died! Woo!"][Have
ya'll ever noticed how A.I. looks like Al when you aren't paying attention?
I've been amusing myself with 'the evil Al' for about half an hour][While
I've been amusing myself giving you ulcers over my consistent use of
in fifty years, it won't matter how I wrote it ^_^]