#84: 'The road is folking hard, the road is folking tough' [With
Love to Tenacious D]By Em
the girl we're looking for - she looks like Beansprout, right?"
"Well, I suppose she must," Flib answered. "I mean, Flathryn,
Flarry and Fleckini do
actually, I'm surprised no-one thought of
"Maybe she has all the elvish attributes that Sprout doesn't, like
ears and wings?"
"Hey! I have ears! [Return of the long-running
joke] And you know, it would be nice if you didn't speak
about me like I wasn't here
"Maybe it's because they're used to your not being here,"
said Dee. [The girl has a point
so appropriate that I'm listening to 'Respect' as I type this]
Beansprout gritted her teeth in silence as Dee continued "If Beansprout
grew up on earth, maybe her counterpart is in Faerie. Maybe she doesn't
know she's part human, like Sprout didn't know about her elvish side."
Flibbage felt it was her job to join forces with Sprout against Dee
in a feat of elvish female solidarity. She looked down her nose at the
"Don't be ridiculous. As Queen of Faerie, and creator of the New
Realm, I know the face and name of every one of my subjects that survived
the 'Dark Tower massacre'."
"Then maybe she's dead." [Ah, Dee
voice of reason that no-one wants to hear]
Everyone stared at Dee.
"Moving swiftly on," said J "she's got to be on Earth
or Faerie - she can't be in another textuality if she's a part of this
'The Story' thing."
"J?" said Flib.
"You don't understand generics, remember?"
"Oh yeah! I have no idea what I just said!"
[This would be a good point for Flibbage to
look at the camera in a 'Do you have any idea what that's like, David?'
"Logically speaking," said Dee "There are two places
we could start our search. One; one of alternate Beansprout's parents
is an elf. We could find out if any of the New Realm elves have had
a fling with a human. Two; let's say this girl is someone who thinks
she's an elf
we could check out any lunatic asylum
[Well, Broadmoor would make a change from Nepal]
There was another silence, filled with the absence of a sarcastic comment
Flibbage broke it. "Well
let's go with Miss Logical's first
choice. I don't know anything like that about my subjects, but I know
She raised her wand and used her powers as queen to summon the person
"What the-? Oh no, not the mortal realm! *Achoo! Achoo!* What the
hell do you want now? *Achoo!* Meow!"
"What is it? *koff* You know I'm allergic to this bloody place!"
said the small cat.
"Well, the thing is," said Flib "we're looking for another
half-elf and we were wondering if any elves you know had ever been
with a human?"
Rock DJ's just come on! You know
what that means
][I don't wanna rock *RAWK!!!*
Cabbage growled and lashed her hind left foot in an unconscious reflex.
[Cats do that?][No,
she wants to throw a shoe, but she cant]
"Darling, do you remember Mummy's ex-boyfriend Flom?"
the one you always throw a shoe at? Haha, I turned
him into a Warhammer figure."
"Meow - heh heh heh
" snickered the cat, then scowled
some more. "Do you know why Mummy threw her shoes at him?"
"Because it was funny?"
I thought you were just being petty."
Cabbage drew in a long breath, then threw an extremely violent cat tantrum.
"IT'S BECAUSE HE LEFT ME FOR A BLOODY HUMAN!!!"
Fjen! Wake up!"
"Whu?" Fjen opened one eyelid to see her sister staring manically
out of the darkness [not like the rock band
- like the night][thanks for clearing that up
"I know what we should do!" said Flelen with a fanatical grin.
"What? What should we do? I'm dying to know what we should do that's
so great you woke me up for it!"Fjen replied flatly.
"We have to hunt down the inconsistency that killed Heathcliffe
and capture it!"
Fljen rolled over in her bed. "Flelen. It ate Heathcliffe. It will
"But we're the super-strong, cunning and devious tag team of ninja
kung-shoe imps! If we don't do it, who will?"
"An army of elven soldiers."
Flelen looked exasperated. "We have hordes of ninja hamsters who
obey our every whim! That beats crappy old elves any day!"
"It will eat you and your hamsters. Go to bed, Flelen."
Flelen paused thoughtfully. "Fine, then, I'll go on my own."
She walked out of the room.
Fljen sat in her bed for ten seconds. Then, with an exasperated sigh,
she got out of bed and went out the door, where, of course, Flelen was
waiting with a smug grin.
several hours of spitting, hissing, clawing and ranting from Cabbage,
they'd managed to find the last known address of Flom's earthly family
- in the middle of a graveyard for hippies in Buckinghamshire. Flibbage
had magically transported them to the area and they were now staked
out on a hill nearby, watching the house. They'd decided not to get
too close, as it seemed close proximity was all that was needed to merge
human and faery halves last time. J and Dee were watching the house
through binoculars, which gave the other three a chance to talk without
her listening in. [Or so they thought
"I still don't trust her," scowled Flibbage. "Bloody
werewolves and their bloody emotionless logic - present company excepted,
"Don't worry," said Yakky. "She's not exactly my best
mate either, it's hard to like someone who's got some insane coffee-gun
pointed at your g - um - I mean, Beansprout's head."
"I don't care any more," said Beansprout. "She might
as well shoot me, 'cos I'm not gonna be around once we find this other
"Well, who knows what'll happen? Maybe I'll turn into a whole different
person like Campfy, or maybe I'll be evil and human. Or good and elvish."
"Sprout, you aren't evil!" said Flibbage. "You're seriously
disturbed - and bloody nihilistic! What happened to our 'let's kick
some ass!' Beansprout?"
"I did. I kicked your ass, and Yakky's."
"Do you know what you need? A bloody good slap! - and I'd give
it to you myself if I wasn't secretly afraid you'd flip out on me."
"That's not funny!"
"Well, neither are you at the moment," Flib stood up. "Now,
I am going to talk to J and see if we've made any progress, and you
can stay here and talk to your boyfriend, because no matter what you
both think, you obviously still like each other and it's absolutely
pathetic to watch you moping around." And she strode off.
" Yakky began.
"What if I'm destined to be evil, huh? Would you still want me
as your girlfriend then?" Sprout hugged her knees defensively.
Yakky sighed and looked at the ground.
who had been listening all along (because of course she has werewolf
ears and could hear every word), snorted under her breath. "Idiot,"
("Idiots.") she murmured scornfully as Flibbage plonked herself
down on the bank next to J and handed him a chocolate bar. She didn't
offer any to Dee.
"Ten pounds says they sit there in silence or virtual silence for
at least ten minutes," said J, putting down the binoculars.
"Nah, my bet's on tearful reconciliations," Flib replied.
"I'd bet all four of you end up in institutions before long - forget
Beansprout, you're all psychotic," said Dee sardonically.
"Jealous?" Flib answered sharply.
"Of what?" spat Dee.
"Oh, I don't know
maybe it's because Yakky isn't interested
in you even though you're an 'Alpha' - maybe it's the fact that
we're all good friends and you don't have any friends
"Flibbage, will you start acting like Faerie Royalty and stop being
bitchy?" said J suddenly, cutting Flibbage off mid-sentence.
"Funny, I thought the two were synonymous
"And you! Come on, since when did the story support racism?"
Flibbage folded her arms grumpily. "One of these days, J, I'm gonna
figure out why you only understand generics when it suits you."
"Hey!" interrupted Dee. "Someone's coming out of the
Immediately, Beansprout and Yakky rushed over to the bank.
"Yoink!" said Flib as she stole the binoculars from J and
held them up to her own eyes. There was a pause, then:
"Whaddaya mean, 'Uh-oh'?" said Beansprout, stealing the binoculars
from Flibbage in turn. There was another pause, and then:
"Oh folking hell, dammit!"
"What?" chorused the others.
"Our half-elf problem just doubled," said Beansprout. "That
isn't my other half."
"How can you tell at this distance?" scoffed Dee. "I
mean, they don't have to look exactly like you-"
"I know," said Beansprout "because the half elf down
there is a folking boy!"
there I will finish - without introducing you to the son of Flom. You
can name him if you like. But not another 'Fl' name, we have too many!
All I ask is that he say "Dude!" all the bloody time and act
nonchalant a lot and shrug.]