#78 "Irrevocably broken" By Emily
"This really has to stop" thought Emily [in
third person singular as usual] as she lay on her bed in
Rome [She doesn't usually live in Rome, this
just happened to be where she was at that time]. Emily missed
the days when InubuYAKasha was brief and lighthearted, if somewhat less
well written. Emily held Alice and her love of melodrama responsible
for this. Or possibly too many episodes of Escaflowne, Evangelion and
Buffy. "We should be thinking Tenchi Muyo, not Fushigi Yuugi."
She thought staying on the anime theme, until she realized that it was
a crap metaphor and they weren't very good shows to aspire to. Plus,
if IBYKS was like Tenchi Muyo, then every female character would mysteriously
fancy Yakky and Beansprout and Flibbage would have to fight each other
about it in an endless cycle of slapstick. No- thought Emily, what would
Ally do with this episode?
She thought about evil Supervillainesses dressed in black, cute yet
deranged teenagers, unknown magical powers, half mutant boys, and made
several connections with certain other stories written by Alice
Hmmm, perhaps not.
* * *
"J, what were you doing just then, when you were staring thoughtfully
into the middle distance?" Yakky asked.
"Reviewing my troubled life," said J wistfully.
"Well that's point five of the plan scuppered," said Flibbage
looking at her hand.
"How does the plan work?" Yakky asked, peering over at Flibbage's
hand in an attempt to gain insight into the Faerie mindset.
"Don't ask me, it isn't my plan. All I'm doing is following the
"Wait, who's plan is it? Where did you go?"
"Sign this Yakky,"
"No! I'm never signing anything you give me ever again!...What
J attempted not to snigger as Yakky scribbled his name at the bottom
of the scroll the elf handed him. Flibbage took the pen from him and
scribbled out No.3 on the list on her hand. After a short moment of
consideration she put a small note next to No.5 '(hit with mallet?)',
then examined the rest of the list.
"Mother? Heeere kitty kitty kitty
Cabbage stalked into the room, looking haughty. "Yes?"
"The creator apologises for you being a cat. She was in a self
destructive mood, but didn't want you to be gone for good.
"Bah, shows what you know. I'm a cat by choice, so there."
The cat stalked off again. Flibbage crossed another note off her hand,
and muttering, began to draw another magic circle on the floor.
"I'll be right back," she said, and vanished.
"Why can't she ever just explain herself?" asked J.
"Because she thinks she's so clever." Grumbled Yakky.
"Dude, she kinda is. She's also the Queen."
"Well it was your stupid question!"
"Lets not argue Yakky."
* * *
"You are an idiot Inu-Yasha!!!" Kagome yelled as she stalked
across the landscape, "I don't know why I ever
"Well you're such a stupid woman!" The half-demon yelled as
he mooched along behind her petulantly.
Just then Flibbage appeared in a flash of light that was mostly for
"YOU!!! Give us back our Shikon-no-Tama so I can become a full-
um, did I make a descision in the end?"
"No. You didn't." Kagome snapped.
"-So I can make the right descision!" Inu-Yasha finished triumphantly.
"Okay," said Flibbage with a mischevious grin, "SCRAMBLE!!!"
and she flung the jewel of four souls into the air. [I
don't know if there's anyone who doesn't understand the concept of scramble
from primary school. It's where you have something that everyone wants,
so you fling it and watch the chaos descend] Just as abruptly
as she'd appeared she disappeared. Kagome and Inu-Yasha both dived for
the jewel, crashed into each other and fell on the floor in a typical
anime uncompromising position, just as the Shikon-no-Tama struck a rock
and shattered into a zillion pieces that scattered over the landscape,
and through the intertextual link that was still closing after Flibbage.
"Oh FUCK!!!" yelled Kagome, at the start of a series that
would be titled "Inu-Yasha: Multiverse"
* * *
"Back in Realm Version2.0 Flibbage reappeared on her throne (which
had only recently finished growing out of the floor and looked like
a cross between a tree and a melted candle) and crossed No.2 off her
list. Only No.4 "Instigate a season finale" remained. Flibbage
drummed her fingers on the arm rest.
"Flibbage, would you kindly like to tell us what you're up to yet?"
said Yakky, as he and J walked into the room.
"Guys. We're going to Nepal."
"At what point did she physically lose the ability to give a straight
answer?" whispered J.
"Why are we going to Nepal?" Yakky reiterated through gritted
"When did we ever not go to Nepal?" Flibbage replied, leaning
over in the chair to stare at him as if he was stupid.
"Stop answering questions with more questions, dammit! What's the
"I can't tell you because it isn't my plan. For all I know there
isn't a plan."
"Then why the hell are we going to Nepal?"
Flibbage opened a portal, flurries of snow blew through it to scatter
on the floor."Because that's where Beansprout is. That's where
we always go." She stepped into the opening. "Sometimes you've
just got to hope that the person really making the plans knows what
" and with that she disappeared into the snow.
"I knew Faeries were religious," J muttered, and followed
Yakky paused. "Can't I at least go get a hat?" he yelled into
the snow. "Oh for Folk's sake
" and he followed them
* * *
" said Beansprout to herself, which
was somewhat of an understatement, as I'm sure most of you know. She
was in an untterly foul temper by now, even for a homicidal maniac,
deprived of her one joy in life (violence) and shunned by both her employers
and enemies alike, then knocked out and dumped half way up a mountain
was enough to ruin anyone's day. So when she'd just decided it couldn't
get any worse, she was surprised by the appearance of the three people
she'd dubbed 'That Bitchy Interfering Elf', 'That Stupid Werewolf' and
'That Other Guy'.
"What do you want!!?" she yelled exasperatedly, wishing only
to be left alone with her inner turmoil (which thankfully had reached
some sort of plateau due to separation from the sword).
"Closure." Said Flibbage in the irritatingly aloof and cryptic
manner she'd recently adopted.
"Closure!? I'll give you Folking CLOSURE!!!" Beansprout screeched
and launched herself at Flibbage. A fridge fell on her, pinning her
to the ground.
"ARGH!" yelled Yakky and scrambled over to lift the fridge
off her, J went to help.
"So that's what she meant," mused Flibbage.
"Beansprout! Are you alive!?" yelled Yaky frantically.
"Who-? Where-? Whats going on-?" Beansprout murmured as she
* * *
IN EMILY'S BRAIN
Emily was just thinking about how clever she was to do an amnesia story
when suddenly Imaginary Alice (Emily version) appeared and did some
kind of slapstick Judo move that ended up with Emily in a headlock.
"BAKA!!! BAAAAKA!" Yelled Alice, "You can't do that!
Only wimps use amnesia stories!!!"
"But imaginary Alice, You can't speak Japanese. You don't know
what 'Baka' means."
Just then Imaginary Tim (Emily version) appeared too.
"It means idiot/jerk/moron/fool, Imaginary Alice."
"Thanks Imaginary Tim! BAAAKAAA!!! BAKA!!! I'll never talk to you
again if you use that story line
[PS. This little scenario ACTUALLY took place
in my brain as I was considering how to write this episode. Many of
the scenes in this series that take place in my head in this series
and the next are very true to life. Its how my brain works. Keti does
it in Footloose too.]
* * *
"Beansprout? Its me, its Yakky," Yakky said, brushing some
of the snow away from her face.
"She smiled serenely up at him. "Yes, now I remember, Yakky."
And in one swift movement she grabbed him by the throat. She swung smoothly
to her feet dodging falling kitchen appliances left and right, shaking
Yakky like a ragdoll, a crazed expression on her face. Flibbage and
J watched helplessly, unable to get close enough to do anything due
to danger of death by random falling objects, which were growing progressively
larger. There was a sickening crash as Beansprout deftly threw herself
and her victim out of the way as a combine harvester plummeted into
the snow. A thunderous shudder ran through the ground beneath them.
Beansprout paused momentarily, a surprised look on her face, as a huge
crack ran across the ice beneath her feet and rapidly widened. She teetered
on the edge her balance thrown by the extra weight she was carrying,
and in a moment that would have looked good in slow motion tumbled in,
dragging Yakky with her. The two of them disappeared into the darkness
followed by cascades of snow and falling objects.
"YAKKY!!! BEANSPROUT!!!"" Flibbage screamed as J dragged
himself and the faery away from the crumbling edge of the chasm. "Wh-what
kind of plan was that
?" she choked.
* * *
Six months later...
Rescue Flaramedics had found Yakky on a ledge about 500 feet down, his
life saved by good luck, werewolf resilience, and several snowdrifts.
Of Beansprout there was no sign, but then they'd never reached the bottom
of the rift either. After about two miles, they'd just given up.
Yakky, battered and broken, and barely alive at all, remained in a coma,
unresponsive to human technology or Faery magic. Most people doubted
he would ever wake up, and some questioned whether he would even want
to. All of this put extra strain on Flibbage, who also had to deal with
being a new queen in a new Realm. She spent most of her time sitting
silently in the gardens or by Yakky's bedside, looking miserable, whilst
Cabbage the Cat ordered the citizens of Faerie about and Bica followed
her around organizing things into lists for her.
The job of reordering the NGSPIB in order to do good in the mortal realm
was assigned to J, although it has to be said that L did most of the
work, whilst J did his own share of sitting around looking glum.
Once Bica had gathered information on which citizens of Faerie had died
in the Last Battle of the Old Realm, who was in the New Realm and the
Magnanimous seven had been revived, someone eventually noticed the absence
of Flori, as no one had seen her in Death. The Rescue Teams decided
to search for her instead of Beansprout, because she was a little less
A statue was put up in the place grounds, in memory of Cabbage. An angry
looking likeness in green jade with hair flowing over her shoulders
and a shoe clutched in one hand. The brass plate below it read; "H.R.H
Cabbage, of the High Vegetable Elves, Last Queen of the Old Realm. BC1984-AD2024.
Those who sat in her chair, regretted it." Cabbage got into the
habit of sitting underneath it, and ranting loudly about "Letting
to many damn mortals in on the secrets," until it became custom
amongst some of the less well informed Faeries, to leave offerings of
Alcohol and Dairy-free desserts, for this 'magical cat'.
But out there somewhere, the fate of our protagonist hung in the balance.
Because everyone knows, no one is ever truly dead in fiction, until
you've seen the body, and preferably beheaded it and burned the remains.
[And that's series seven done and dusted. Only
one more to go, hmm, how to advertise it? Series eight; Werewolves,
love stories, Llamas, coffee, pizza, angst, technology gone mad, the
Big Pricks and Disneyland
Just read it.]
Series eight "Loose ends"