- you know what we have with the new cast of six? EVEN MORE PARODY POTENTIAL!
Because we have
1. Three girls
2. Three guys
3. One on-off couple
4. One sarcastic character (actually, many
5. Lots of romantic confusion
we need now is Yakky running around shouting "WE WERE ON A BREAK!"
And a coffee shop.
so, in the spirit of that
another song parody! You know you love
no-one told you life was going to be a joke
You're on the edge and someone's trying to steal your bloke
You're staying about as sane as you can
Until you go and find your double is a man
things are crap for you
(Every day that goes by)
Things are crap for you
(People might have to die)
Life is crap for you
And for all your friends too
things get twisted and you're feeling all alone
Or you get screwed up and can't call your mind your own
It isn't easy to control yourself
Just blame your mother, 'cos she folked round with an elf
a bitch, it's true
(And you know who to thank)
Life's a bitch, it's true
(When your mum is a skank)
Life's a bitch, it's true
Hell, it sucks to be yoooou.]
#85: The One with the Gender Issues
"What are you carrying?"
"My secret weapon!"
The imps were wandering through the open, LOTR-esque landscape, accompanied
by their horde of ninja hamsters (who, under Flelen's instruction, were
marching in goose-step)
"Secret weapon," Fjen echoed.
"Flelen, it's a big bloody foam sign that says SURPRISE!" [Based
on an actual conversation
Flelen nodded sadly. "Heathcliffe gave it to me."
"What possible use can it be?"
SURPRISE!" Flelen shouted, and hit Fjen with the
"Yes," said Fljen, picking herself up. "That was quite
must have the wrong half-elf," Yakky insisted. "There must be
other elves who ran off with humans
Dee was stifling a laugh. Flibbage contemplated hitting her.
"It kind of makes sense
" said J.
"Oh, thank you!" snapped Beansprout.
"Will you all shut up and think about this?" asked Dee [She's
getting quite nasty really, isn't she? Maybe we should develop her nice
][she's just mean]"All
we need to do is go down there and ask him searching personal questions."
"Why?" asked - guess who - J.
"To see if he's anything like Sprout. It stands to reason that counterparts
would be similar."
"Hah!" Flib snorted.
"You two know Sprout best," J said to Flib and Yakky. "You
should go and ask the questions."
"J!" Flib whispered. "We can't leave Beansprout and Dee
together! There'd be death!"
"No there won't, because I'm here with my weapons of total destruction
and cheery attitude."
"We can hear you, you know," said Beansprout, with something
of her old, healthy, sane pissed-offness.
"Well, it's the only thing we can do," said Flib. "You
three, wait there, and please try not to hurt each other."
half-elf, who was sitting on a tombstone eating a sandwich, looked up
as Flib and Yakky approached.
"Hey dudes!" he said cheerfully. "Who are you?"
I'm Yakky, and this is Flibbage, Queen of Faerie,"
said Yakky, when it became clear that Flib was too busy scribbling notes
on a clipboard to reply.
"Hey, good to meet you. I'm Bobjim." [Em
hates this name. It was the only one I could think of. Anyway, it beats
'Son-of-Flom' (to be said in a deep scary voice)][thats
not true, it's a stupid name, but i don't hate it by any means]
"Stupid name - check!" said Flib, embarrassingly loudly.
do you mind if we ask you a few questions?"
Bobjim shrugged. "Nah, go ahead."
"OK. Right. So
you like graveyards?"
"Eh, they're OK. Kind of peaceful. Not fussed about the religion,
though - I'm a Taoist."
"Rebelling against parents - check!"
"Have you ever had problems with split personalities?"
Bob-Jim frowned. "Weeeell
once I drank three litres of Cherry
Coke in five minutes. I wasn't myself for a while after that."
"Do you have a thing for people with ears?" Flib interrupted.
"I prefer them to people without ears."
"No, on their
oh, never mind."
"Why the questions, dudes?" asked Bob-Jim.
" Yakky began.
"We reckoned you were the balancing counterpart to a friend of ours
who's been suffering from psychotic episodes and schizophrenia,"
said Flib "but really, personality-wise, you're nothing like her,
so thanks for your time."
"But dude," said Bob-Jim, after working out what the hell she
meant "if I'm meant to balance her out, shouldn't I be the opposite?
You know, like Yin-Yang?"
Yakky watched in worriment as Flib stared at Bobjim, and then began to
beat herself over the head with her clipboard.
"Of COURSE! If you were BOTH half-evil half-good you'd cancel YOURSELVES
out! This had better be a folking inconsistency because I am not THAT
" said Yakky.
"Right," Flib threw away the board and grabbed Bob-Jim's arm.
"You're coming to meet some friends of ours."
Fjen asked, very wearily.
"Do you have any idea where we're going?"
"Yes, I'm following this trail!" Flelen pointed to the ground.
"I noticed those tracks around where Heathcliffe
"And look, there's more and more of them!"
"Yes, Flelen. That's because they're our tracks, and we are walking
around a tree. We are walking around and around the same sodding tree."
"Oh no we're not!" Flelen said in her usual cheery voice. "We're
Suddenly, Flelen spun around, leapt forwards and hit the thing that was
"SURPRISE, EVIL BEAST!"
"Eek! I mean, feh!" Inuyasha exclaimed, and began to struggle
helplessly because in the blink of an eye, the ninja hamsters had tied
him up [I'n't that always the way?]"What
are you doing, wench?"
"You killed Heathcliffe!" Flelen shouted. "Are you really
that SURPRISED we found you?"
"I didn't kill anyone! Kagome won't let me."
"Well, if you don't kill people, why were you stalking us?"
"I was hungry!"
"And you have chocolate," Inuyasha added hopefully.
"You didn't want to eat us?"
"Not unless you're made of chocolate."
"Well-" Fjen began, whereupon Flelen kicked her. "Oh -
Then why were your tracks at the scene of Heathcliffe's
"He had a Mini Coke he no longer had a use for."
"Oh. Sorry!" Flelen said cheerfully.
"Can I have some chocolate?"
"What chocolate? I don't have any chocolate," said Flelen, pulling
a Yorkie out of her pocket.
"Give you what?" Flelen began to eat the Yorkie.[also
based on the real life adventures of Helen and Jen Ainsworth]
Fjen thought about criticising her, then decided it would be far more
fun to join in.
Dee and J had been sitting in silence for minutes.
"If he comes near you," asked Dee suddenly "will you merge together?"
J sat awkwardly in between them, pretending to text L.
"How do you know Yakky?"
Dee glanced at Beansprout. "Oh, we met in London."
I don't think I should tell you."
Beansprout was silent for a while. "I see," she said finally.
"No - listen, don't get the wrong idea. This really was ages ago,
just after his mum died."
"So what's the problem with you telling me?"
Dee shrugged. "It's complicated."
"Fine, let's break it down, make it simple. What happened?"
"We talked - about you, mainly - and he met some of my friends."
"He never mentioned you."
"He wouldn't have thought there was anything to tell."
"But there is, isn't there?"
Dee held up her hands. "Look, no matter what your friend seems to
believe, I'm not trying to bugger things up. If they got buggered up by
"He kind of beat the living crap out of my boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend."
"Why would that bother me?"
"Do you really want to know?"
the time Flib, Yakky and Bob-Jim reached them, the silence had returned,
icier than ever. Flib ignored it.
"OK, everyone," she said. "Meet Bob-Jim."
"He's Beansprout's possible equal and definite opposite, no matter
what some people might think, and I'm guessing that if he hangs around
with us, he might balance her out."
"How?" asked J.
don't know.Narrative generic thing."
Beansprout had stood up. She was staring at Bobjim, who grinned cheerfully.
"Hey, so you're insane. That's cool."
Beansprout punched him in the face, knocked him to the floor and began
"THAT'S for the voices in the head! THAT'S for the psychotic episodes!
THAT'S for the trauma! THAT'S for the unnecessary violence!"
Dee levelled the crossbow. "Should I shoot her?"
"She knows what she's doing," said Yakky.
Eventually, Beansprout stopped. "God, that feels better."
"Dude," Bobjim said reproachfully as he picked himself up.
"Aren't you hurt?" asked J.
"Amazing!" said Flib, striking a distinctly sidekicky pose.
"A living punchbag that-"
"We get it," said Dee.
Beansprout straightened her clothes and turned to them. "Right! Flib,
get a plan. J, get a clue. Dee, be useful, and Bob-Jim? You're coming
"OK. For what?"
"Oh, just a little Sunday-afternoon world-saving as bloody usual."
Yakky tapped her shoulder and smiled. "What about me?"
"You," Beansprout replied "are a complete and utter tosser,
and I hope you rot in hell. Come on, everyone!"
"Well, she's back to normal," J murmured, falling into step
"Yes," said Flib. "Unfortunately, we really are back to
square folking one."
plot thickens and unthickens and thickens again
somewhat like my
macaroni cheese. Actually, I think this is a bit of a cop-out, but hey.
We definitely need to wean Bob-Jim off the word "Dude
The rest of the notebook was filled with transcripts of the SURPRISE conversation
and the conversation where Cathryn 'mended' Mind's chocolate bar, me ranting
about Derren Brown, and me complaining that the Stowe boy who I had a
crush on was no longer cute. Well, he shouldn't have done something so
bloody stupid with his hair.
And that's my typing done! Woohoo! *Ally breaks open a bottle of cider*][Thank
god for that]