Volume 1: a Foolish Faerietale

Episode #78 "Irrevocably broken" By Emily


"This really has to stop" thought Emily [in third person singular as usual] as she lay on her bed in Rome [She doesn't usually live in Rome, this just happened to be where she was at that time]. Emily missed the days when InubuYAKasha was brief and lighthearted, if somewhat less well written. Emily held Alice and her love of melodrama responsible for this. Or possibly too many episodes of Escaflowne, Evangelion and Buffy. "We should be thinking Tenchi Muyo, not Fushigi Yuugi." She thought staying on the anime theme, until she realized that it was a crap metaphor and they weren't very good shows to aspire to. Plus, if IBYKS was like Tenchi Muyo, then every female character would mysteriously fancy Yakky and Beansprout and Flibbage would have to fight each other about it in an endless cycle of slapstick. No- thought Emily, what would Ally do with this episode?
She thought about evil Supervillainesses dressed in black, cute yet deranged teenagers, unknown magical powers, half mutant boys, and made several connections with certain other stories written by Alice… Hmmm, perhaps not.
* * *
"J, what were you doing just then, when you were staring thoughtfully into the middle distance?" Yakky asked.
"Reviewing my troubled life," said J wistfully.
"Well that's point five of the plan scuppered," said Flibbage looking at her hand.
"How does the plan work?" Yakky asked, peering over at Flibbage's hand in an attempt to gain insight into the Faerie mindset.
"Don't ask me, it isn't my plan. All I'm doing is following the list."
"Wait, who's plan is it? Where did you go?"
"Sign this Yakky,"
"No! I'm never signing anything you give me ever again!...What is it?"
"Divorce Papers."
"GIMME!"
J attempted not to snigger as Yakky scribbled his name at the bottom of the scroll the elf handed him. Flibbage took the pen from him and scribbled out No.3 on the list on her hand. After a short moment of consideration she put a small note next to No.5 '(hit with mallet?)', then examined the rest of the list.
"Mother? Heeere kitty kitty kitty…"
Cabbage stalked into the room, looking haughty. "Yes?"
"The creator apologises for you being a cat. She was in a self destructive mood, but didn't want you to be gone for good.
"Bah, shows what you know. I'm a cat by choice, so there." The cat stalked off again. Flibbage crossed another note off her hand, and muttering, began to draw another magic circle on the floor.
"I'll be right back," she said, and vanished.
"Why can't she ever just explain herself?" asked J.
"Because she thinks she's so clever." Grumbled Yakky.
"Dude, she kinda is. She's also the Queen."
"Well it was your stupid question!"
"Lets not argue Yakky."
"Oh yeah."
Silence…
* * *
"You are an idiot Inu-Yasha!!!" Kagome yelled as she stalked across the landscape, "I don't know why I ever… that is…I…uh…You're an idiot!"
"Well you're such a stupid woman!" The half-demon yelled as he mooched along behind her petulantly.
"NOSE!!!"
"Eeep!"
Just then Flibbage appeared in a flash of light that was mostly for effect.
"YOU!!! Give us back our Shikon-no-Tama so I can become a full- um, did I make a descision in the end?"
"No. You didn't." Kagome snapped.
"-So I can make the right descision!" Inu-Yasha finished triumphantly.
"Okay," said Flibbage with a mischevious grin, "SCRAMBLE!!!" and she flung the jewel of four souls into the air. [I don't know if there's anyone who doesn't understand the concept of scramble from primary school. It's where you have something that everyone wants, so you fling it and watch the chaos descend] Just as abruptly as she'd appeared she disappeared. Kagome and Inu-Yasha both dived for the jewel, crashed into each other and fell on the floor in a typical anime uncompromising position, just as the Shikon-no-Tama struck a rock and shattered into a zillion pieces that scattered over the landscape, and through the intertextual link that was still closing after Flibbage.
"Oh FUCK!!!" yelled Kagome, at the start of a series that would be titled "Inu-Yasha: Multiverse"
* * *
"Back in Realm Version2.0 Flibbage reappeared on her throne (which had only recently finished growing out of the floor and looked like a cross between a tree and a melted candle) and crossed No.2 off her list. Only No.4 "Instigate a season finale" remained. Flibbage drummed her fingers on the arm rest.
"Flibbage, would you kindly like to tell us what you're up to yet?" said Yakky, as he and J walked into the room.
"Guys. We're going to Nepal."
"At what point did she physically lose the ability to give a straight answer?" whispered J.
"Why are we going to Nepal?" Yakky reiterated through gritted teeth.
"When did we ever not go to Nepal?" Flibbage replied, leaning over in the chair to stare at him as if he was stupid.
"Stop answering questions with more questions, dammit! What's the plan???"
"I can't tell you because it isn't my plan. For all I know there isn't a plan."
"Then why the hell are we going to Nepal?"
Flibbage opened a portal, flurries of snow blew through it to scatter on the floor."Because that's where Beansprout is. That's where we always go." She stepped into the opening. "Sometimes you've just got to hope that the person really making the plans knows what they're doing…" and with that she disappeared into the snow.
"I knew Faeries were religious," J muttered, and followed her.
Yakky paused. "Can't I at least go get a hat?" he yelled into the snow. "Oh for Folk's sake…" and he followed them through.
* * *
"Folking freezing…" said Beansprout to herself, which was somewhat of an understatement, as I'm sure most of you know. She was in an untterly foul temper by now, even for a homicidal maniac, deprived of her one joy in life (violence) and shunned by both her employers and enemies alike, then knocked out and dumped half way up a mountain was enough to ruin anyone's day. So when she'd just decided it couldn't get any worse, she was surprised by the appearance of the three people she'd dubbed 'That Bitchy Interfering Elf', 'That Stupid Werewolf' and 'That Other Guy'.
"What do you want!!?" she yelled exasperatedly, wishing only to be left alone with her inner turmoil (which thankfully had reached some sort of plateau due to separation from the sword).
"Closure." Said Flibbage in the irritatingly aloof and cryptic manner she'd recently adopted.
"Closure!? I'll give you Folking CLOSURE!!!" Beansprout screeched and launched herself at Flibbage. A fridge fell on her, pinning her to the ground.
"ARGH!" yelled Yakky and scrambled over to lift the fridge off her, J went to help.
"So that's what she meant," mused Flibbage.
"Beansprout! Are you alive!?" yelled Yaky frantically.
"Who-? Where-? Whats going on-?" Beansprout murmured as she regained consciousness.
* * *
IN EMILY'S BRAIN…
Emily was just thinking about how clever she was to do an amnesia story when suddenly Imaginary Alice (Emily version) appeared and did some kind of slapstick Judo move that ended up with Emily in a headlock.
"BAKA!!! BAAAAKA!" Yelled Alice, "You can't do that! Only wimps use amnesia stories!!!"
"But imaginary Alice, You can't speak Japanese. You don't know what 'Baka' means."
Just then Imaginary Tim (Emily version) appeared too.
"It means idiot/jerk/moron/fool, Imaginary Alice."
"Thanks Imaginary Tim! BAAAKAAA!!! BAKA!!! I'll never talk to you again if you use that story line…"
[PS. This little scenario ACTUALLY took place in my brain as I was considering how to write this episode. Many of the scenes in this series that take place in my head in this series and the next are very true to life. Its how my brain works. Keti does it in Footloose too.]
* * *
"Beansprout? Its me, its Yakky," Yakky said, brushing some of the snow away from her face.
"She smiled serenely up at him. "Yes, now I remember, Yakky." And in one swift movement she grabbed him by the throat. She swung smoothly to her feet dodging falling kitchen appliances left and right, shaking Yakky like a ragdoll, a crazed expression on her face. Flibbage and J watched helplessly, unable to get close enough to do anything due to danger of death by random falling objects, which were growing progressively larger. There was a sickening crash as Beansprout deftly threw herself and her victim out of the way as a combine harvester plummeted into the snow. A thunderous shudder ran through the ground beneath them. Beansprout paused momentarily, a surprised look on her face, as a huge crack ran across the ice beneath her feet and rapidly widened. She teetered on the edge her balance thrown by the extra weight she was carrying, and in a moment that would have looked good in slow motion tumbled in, dragging Yakky with her. The two of them disappeared into the darkness followed by cascades of snow and falling objects.
"YAKKY!!! BEANSPROUT!!!"" Flibbage screamed as J dragged himself and the faery away from the crumbling edge of the chasm. "Wh-what kind of plan was that…?" she choked.
* * *

Epilogue. Six months later...
Rescue Flaramedics had found Yakky on a ledge about 500 feet down, his life saved by good luck, werewolf resilience, and several snowdrifts. Of Beansprout there was no sign, but then they'd never reached the bottom of the rift either. After about two miles, they'd just given up.
Yakky, battered and broken, and barely alive at all, remained in a coma, unresponsive to human technology or Faery magic. Most people doubted he would ever wake up, and some questioned whether he would even want to. All of this put extra strain on Flibbage, who also had to deal with being a new queen in a new Realm. She spent most of her time sitting silently in the gardens or by Yakky's bedside, looking miserable, whilst Cabbage the Cat ordered the citizens of Faerie about and Bica followed her around organizing things into lists for her.
The job of reordering the NGSPIB in order to do good in the mortal realm was assigned to J, although it has to be said that L did most of the work, whilst J did his own share of sitting around looking glum.
Once Bica had gathered information on which citizens of Faerie had died in the Last Battle of the Old Realm, who was in the New Realm and the Magnanimous seven had been revived, someone eventually noticed the absence of Flori, as no one had seen her in Death. The Rescue Teams decided to search for her instead of Beansprout, because she was a little less scary.
A statue was put up in the place grounds, in memory of Cabbage. An angry looking likeness in green jade with hair flowing over her shoulders and a shoe clutched in one hand. The brass plate below it read; "H.R.H Cabbage, of the High Vegetable Elves, Last Queen of the Old Realm. BC1984-AD2024. Those who sat in her chair, regretted it." Cabbage got into the habit of sitting underneath it, and ranting loudly about "Letting to many damn mortals in on the secrets," until it became custom amongst some of the less well informed Faeries, to leave offerings of Alcohol and Dairy-free desserts, for this 'magical cat'.
But out there somewhere, the fate of our protagonist hung in the balance. Because everyone knows, no one is ever truly dead in fiction, until you've seen the body, and preferably beheaded it and burned the remains.
[And that's series seven done and dusted. Only one more to go, hmm, how to advertise it? Series eight; Werewolves, love stories, Llamas, coffee, pizza, angst, technology gone mad, the Big Pricks and Disneyland… well… Just read it.]
Series eight "Loose ends"

Episode#1 "The Tale Begins."
Episode#2 "Enter the Token Bloke."
Episode#3 "Stop Silicon Valley, I want to Get Off!."
Episode#4 "Faery Frolics and Fun with a Prophecy."
Episode#5 "The Loco Journeys."
Episode#6 "Cablim gets a Nasty Surprise."
Episode#7 "Beandiana Jones and the Temple of Choom."
Episode#8 "Oddball's Odd Behaviour."
Volume 2: Til Death do us Part
Episode#9 "Happy Birthday, Sweet Fifteen."
Episode#10 "The Sprout Sense."
Episode#11 "Four Funerals and another Funeral.
Episode#12 "Misty Water Colour Spirit Realm...."
Episode#13 "Interview with a Vampire Slayer."
Episode#14 "Ra-Ra-Rasputin!"
Volume 3: Space Opera
Episode#15 "Now the Thugs don't Work..."
Episode#16 "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."
Episode#17 "Lardraptors!"
Episode#18 "Go Folk Yo' Mama!"
Episode#19 "The Platetrix."
Episode#20 "In Space no one can Hear you Order Pizza."
Episode#21 "Deepwater Yak."
Episode#22 "Yak trek."
Episode#23 "Planet of the crepes."
Episode#24 "Dude Where's my Comedy Plot Conventions?."
Volume 4: Unconventional
Episode#25 "A Clockwork Beansprout."
Episode#26 "The Long Awaited Explaination."
Episode#27 "Ten things I hate about 'funny' cartoon crossovers."
Episode#28 "The Plan."
Volume 5: Happy Endings
Episode#29 "We're off to See a Werewolf..."
Episode#30 "The Yak and the Beansprout."
Episode#31 "The fellowship of the Thing."
Episode#32 "The one Where the Cast of Friends do Nothing and the Cast of IBYKS do little more."
Episode#33 "Meet your Yak."
Episode#34 "The Laughing Yak."
Episode#35 "Lord of the Thing(s)."
Episode#36 "Extra Extra Special with Magic, Cheese and Tesco."
Episode#37 "Faeries and Werewolves and Yaks, oh My!."
Episode#38 "IBYKS The animated feature film."
Episode#39 "The return of the Parents of the Children."
Episode#40 "Events Concluding Those which Preceeded."
Episode#41 "The Chips of WRATH!."
Episode#42 "In which Cabbage has Angst."
Episode#43 "Heaven is a Shoeshop."
Episode#44 "The Importance of being Soulless."
Episode#45 "Vinyl fantasy."
Volume 6: Killing Time
Episode#46 "Where is My Happy Ending...?"
Episode#47 "The Books of Faerie."
Episode#48 "Back to the Future from the Past..."
Episode#49 "The Time and Space of the Old Dude with the 'tache."
Episode#50 "Sprout, Flib, Yakky & J's Excellent Adventure."
Episode#51 "The Nerds The Nerds!"
Episode#52 "The Land of Reality."
Episode#53 "Ordinary (boring) World."
Episode#54 "Smoke and Mirrors."
Episode#55 "Some things we hate about Clones."
Episode#56 "I've got no Idea what you did Last Summer..."
Episode#57 "The Shoe Towers."
Episode#58 "Pizza is a dish best Served Cold."
Episode#59 "Sprout's Masked Replica."
Episode#60 "Curiouser and Curiouser..."
Episode#61 "Not another Season Finale?."
Volume 7: Intertextuality
pisode#62 "Faerietale."
Episode#63 "When Narrative Functions Turn Bad..."
Episode#64 "Jack, the Beanstalk, The Beauty, The Beast, The Witch, The Wardrobe and Will."
Episode#65 "Its a Good Li(f)e."
Episode#66 "The one with Four Titles..."
Episode#67 "The B Team."
Episode#68 "Narnia Has Nothing on this..."
Episode#69 "Clash of the Heroines."
Episode#70 "To Infinity and Beyond."
Episode#71 "The Thingwraith."
Episode#72 "Ghostmom."
Episode#73 "And all that Black Widow Crap Jazz."
Episode#74 "I've got a theory..."
Episode#75 "Magical Girl- Pretty Scary."
Episode#76 "Wheels within Wheels within Wheels- ARGH!"
Episode#77 "J's Story."
Episode#78 "Irrevocably Broken."
Volume 8: Loose Ends
Episode#79 "Lots of things Begin With Dee."
Episode#80 "Adventures in Slumberland."
Episode#81 "The One with the Revelation."
Episode#82 "Artificial Life Sucks.com."
Episode#83 "Saving Beansprout's Brain."
Episode#84 "The Road is Folking Hard..."
Episode#85 "The One with Gender Issues."
Episode#86 "Disneyland."
Episode#87 "(DEMON)Llama Llama Llama..."
Episode#88 "Perspective."
Episode#89 "Me, Myself and Ai."
Episode#90 "Wedding Cake or Death."
Episode#91 "Real Life.or Pizza, With Extra Cheese."
Extras
Episode#92 "Prologue in Manga Form."
Episode#93 "Curtain Opens."
Episode#94 "Trailer for series six."
Episode#95 "A nepalese Werewolf in London."(Flashback story, prelude to series eight)
Episode#96 "Fantasy Life Sucks."
Episode#97 "Credits Roll."
Episode#98 "IBYKS Companion (Part 1)."
Episode#99 "IBYKS Companion (Part 2)."
Episode#100 "IBYKS Companion (Part 3)."