#86 "Disneyland" By Emily
Flibbage's patience had begun to wear thin. Beansprout, having stormed
to the top of the embankment, had realised that as yet there was no
plan and was just storming round and round, pausing occasionally to
punch Bobjim, who just swayed about like a weeble. J was on the phone
to HQ, to see if anyone had picked up any information on WILL, inconsistencies,
or indeed the mysteriously absent Big Pricks. Dee was sitting on a rock,
looking unbearably smug, and Yakky
Flibbage sighed and drew in a huge lungful of air.
"YAKKY, COME DOWN OUT OF THE TREE THIS INSTANT!!!"
No!" a melancholy voice drifted down from a nearby
"You know we can't Folking go anywhere without you unless the narrative
Don't try to trick me with your elvish science you elf!"
"Sulking like a child will do you no good, so GET OUT OF THE TREE!!!"
Not until someone finds out what Sprout's so angry about!"
"Why don't YOU do it you COWARD!!!"
"Because she will PUNCH ME!!!"
Flibbage's eyelid twitched compulsively, which is always a dangerous
sign in elves, and mumbling under her breath she knelt down and took
off her left shoe.
" she said to herself , and took
aim, judging the distance and trajectory. The shoe, with supernatural
speed and accuracy flew up into the branches like a deadly but highly
chic green bullet. There was the sound of suede connecting with cranium,
and Yakky tumbled down out of the leaves to land in a very surprised
heap on the ground.
"SIT!" snarled Flibbage, and stomped up the hill towards Beansprout.
Dee's eyes followed her poisonously.
Flibbage reached the top of the hill where Beansprout was still stomping
up and down. Every time she passed Bobjim, he would say something encouraging
like "Chill out dudette!" or "Consider your anger in
terms of the brevity of human existence." This was usually met
with violence and/or verbal abuse. As Beansprout passed Flib, the elf
reached out incredibly fast and grabbed her by the ear.
"Ow ow! For Folks sake, let go!" Sprout yelled, flailing ineffectually,
because she wasn't allowed to hit the Faery Queen.
"What imagined slight are you making Yakky miserable for this time?"
said Flibbage tensely without letting go.
"He's cheating scum!!!"
"Now, what would make you say something like that?" Flibbage
said mock-sweetly as she sat down very suddenly, dragging Sprout with
"Ow!" Beansprout yelped. "He beat up Dee's boyfriend
in a bar fight, making him alpha male of her pack and her his girlfriend!"
"Flibbage sighed, "Stupid werewolves
and do you
really think Yakky did any of that intentionally? Do you think he even
knows werewolves have laws?"
"Well he must do on some subconscious level
Flibbage looked scathingly at her slightly deranged best friend, "Beansprout,
sometimes I doubt Yakky even has a subconscience. He's entirely transparent!
The only person who's ever confused by his actions is you. In any case,
the whole bar fight incident transpired in between series three and
four, long before the two of you were an item."
"About two years ago."
Flibbage let go of Beansprout's ear and gave her a shove down the hill
towards where Yakky was lying face down in the grass groaning "Ow,
Ow my head
dumb random shoe-flinging powers
Beansprout went over and helped him up, and apologised quietly. "I'm
sorry I told you to rot in hell because I thought you beat up Dee's
boyfriend because you fancied her
"Lance!?? He was totally trying to kill me because I'm related
"Oh!" said Beansprout in surprise, then turned venomously
to look at Dee, "She neglected to mention that part of the
Dee, seeing that the game was up, grinned at Beansprout, exposing her
mouthful of sharp teeth.
"Don't bare your teeth at me, you lying whore," snarled Beansprout,
focusing her boundless angst into pure verbal malice, "Do you think
they frighten me? I'd knock them right out of your stupid smirking face
before you could even try and stop me. And if by some weird twist of
fate you did bite me, I'd just be a werewolf too, and I'd be an ALPHA,
a much better one than you. And there's no telling the ways in which
I'd Kick Your Ass."
There was a small pause in which the wind went 'hyoooooo'.
"BITE THIS!!!" yelled Dee, raising the crossbow. Just as she
squeezed the trigger, there was a move much faster than Flibbage with
a shoe and suddenly Bobjim was holding the crossbow with the safety
catch back on.
"Lady," he said cheerfully "Chill out, this thing is
dangerous. Maybe I'd better hold onto it for the time being."
J clicked his phone shut and turned around to see Dee and Sprout glaring
murderously at each other, Sprout stood protectively next to Yakky,
Bobjim holding the crossbow and Flibbage standing serenely on the sidelines
with one of her 'my work here is done' expressions.
"Guys," said J, "we're going to Nepal."
"Hey, Nepal is cool
"I'll get you
you little pigtail wearing
"WHY NEPAL?? WHY NEPAL, WHYYY?"
"Whats been going on?" J said nervously sidling up to Flibbage
as the usual Nepal related ranting ensued.
"I've been sorting stuff out." Said Flibbage enigmatically.
J looked at her suspiciously, "Flibbage. What are you the Faery
"Whaddya mean?" Said Flibbage innocently.
"You know, all the Faeries are 'faery-of-this, faery-of-that'.
What are you?"
"Faery Godmother. Beansprout's to be precise."
"And that means?"
"Most powerful faery in the Realm."
"Oh, I thought you were that because you were Queen."
"No, I was Faery Godmother long before that, Guardian of the Main
Narrative Strand. My role is to keep Beansprout's life on track, get
things done, you know." Flibbage cracked her knuckles. "Well,
we'll be needing a transportation spell then," she said and walked
J followed, feeling slightly unnerved by this information, although
he didn't really know why.
* * *
"I know!" said Fjen brightly, holding up the last square of
chocolate. "I'll give you this chocolate, after you help Flelen
here find the beast that killed her lover."
isn't it nice?" said Flelen pointedly
[when I first wrote this, I had to leave off
here for a while, two glasses of wine, two paracetamol and the last
episode of Friends having entirely broken my brain].
"I don't know, can I have the chocolate first?" asked Inu-Yasha.
Suddenly, from behind them came the thud of oversized feet hitting the
ground. Fjen slowly turned round to face a large and smelly muzzle.
"ARGH!!!" she yelled, "DEMON LLAMA!"
The beast that had been menacing the Realm, flared its nostrils at the
scent of chocolate-filled imp, the perfect follow-up to the cola-flavoured
knight it had eaten the other day. Flelen stepped in front of her sister,
brandishing her foam sign menacingly.
"SURPRISE MOTHERFOLKER!!!" She cried and leapt into battle.
* * *
After they'd sneaked into NGSPIB HQ and knocked out a few guards, J
suddenly remembered that he ran the place and that they didn't need
to do that anymore.
Sheepishly they made their way to the time dump [INCONSISTENCY:
it no longer exists as stated at some point in a previous episode I
can't be bothered to look up which. Author's note: This is where the
concept of WILL comes from. The combination of the inadequacy of human
memory, coupled with the dubious capabilities of the average computer.]
they'd been held captive in back in series six, led by Flibbage and
"Right," said J, "Beansprout, you understand the workings
of DeepwaterYAK, drag out anything that looks like it my be part of
the holographic A.I system. Dee, -will you stop mumbling death threats
for a second?- you know a lot about computers, you should look too."
Grumbling, Beansprout and Dee headed off in opposite directions.
"If you see any dangerously sparking vibrating sheep," Flibbage
called after them, "Just stay clear okay?"
"Interesting diversionary tactic dude," said Bobjim to J,
with typical Faerie insight, as the NGSPIB agent silently quietly motioned
the remaining four of them together so they could talk.
"We've gotta do something about Dee, before one of them kills the
other." J said seriously.
"Can't we just tell her to go away?" pleaded Yakky, "I
mean she seemed okay when I first met her, but she's almost as crazy
as Beansprout, and way more vindictive."
"Narrative won't allow," said Flibbage, "She's part of
the story arc now."
"We should like, cut back on her caffeine intake," added Bobjim,
the others nodded.
Yakky bent down to pick something off the floor, "Hey," he
said holding up a tatty photo, "It's that picture of future-us
in Disneyland! Wow
"Strangely comforting isn't it," said Flibbage, "to know
one day we're gonna have enough free time to visit Disneyland."
"Yeah plus," Yakky added, "Dee isn't there."
"Well neither am I, dude," said Bobjim.
"maybe you're the photographer," said J comfortingly.
"That reminds me, I've got to do a time-slip some time, put some
semtex in here one of these days
At which point there was a triumphant "Hah!" from Beansprout,
and an electrical buzzing sound.
"Why wont you let me die..?" said YAK(ky) flickering into
"What do you know about WILL?" Beansprout asked the sentient
"WILL!? I hate that bastard! -He thinks he's so omnipresent
"Who's this stupid hologram?" snickered Dee, "It looks
just like Yakky!"
"I am not stupid!"
"He is not stupid!"
"It's a long story." Said Flibbage.
"Buffy killed us, took our DNA, sold it to the NGSPIB who used
it to make evil clones and a sentient computer. We used it to clone
our own bodies," said J.
"J, why do you feel you have to undermine my elfin mysteries?"
"Sorry, I just thought you were being bloody minded." J replied,
Beansprout turned back to YAK(ky). "Look, he's loose and he's wreaking
havoc with the multiverse. If there's anything else we ought to know
about DeepwaterYAK, now would be a good time to tell us." She looked
around at the wreckage. "If there's some A.I of me or Flib knocking
about in here-"
"They don't make female A.I."
"Why not?" asked Dee, who, not being a Faery, had no idea
of the blatant man-bashing policies of the authors.
"They're way too smart. They'd be covertly running the world before
you could blink."
"Damn Folking right." Sprout answered, "Okay, third question.
How do we find WILL, and how do we take him out? Is his CPU around here
"The Big Pricks have it."
"Bloody typical," said Flibbage, "they're always one
"Of course, WILL is insane, he may have killed them all by now."
"Wouldn't that just be the highlight of my day," said Yakky.
"Yes." Said Dee with a puzzled look. "Yes it would."
"Sarcasm dude, sar-cas-m, gotta get used to it sometime."
"Of course," said YAK(ky) if I was the insane A.I, I'd go
after whoever posed the greatest threat to my supremacy."
"Well, not to be narcissistic," said Beansprout, "but
isn't that us?"
* * *
Somewhere in Emily's brain
Emily was listening to crappy music that she'd liked when she was ten,
and now thought was retro. She was also creating melodramatic plot developments
for comic books she'd never write. Imaginary Alice[Emily version] was
sitting next to her, reading Blake poetry. [Emily
and Alice's versions of each other and themselves, are obviously different
due to existing in different brains. But seeing as Emily and Alice suffer
from same brain syndrome, it has little to no effect.]
This tranquil scene was interrupted by the appearance of WILL.
"Ahahahaha!" said WILL, as evil computers do.
"Argh!" yelled Emily, "Get lost, you-you deus ex machina!"
she nudged Alice, "Al, Al-! *For Fuck's sake put the book down!*Al,
is that right?"
"Oh, I know the answer," said Alice, putting the book in her
"Oh I can't tell you."
"Why the bloody hell not?" said Emily with her typical country-girl
"Because I am the imaginary version of Alice that exists in your
brain, and I know because you think that Alice knows. However, I can't
tell you because you don't know the answer and you'd have to go look
it up before you could write down what I said, and then you'd know anyway
so the whole gesture would be pointless."
"Curse you, you Blake reading Oxbridge candidate!"
"Are you quite finished?" asked WILL.
"Sod, off. You can't beat us, we write you."
"I could give you writers block, or just fill you with the urge
not to type."
"Oh, that doesn't scare us, we're used to it." Ally added.
[Why does my imaginary version of Alice begin
her sentences with 'Oh'? She's so serene
"Well then I'll just ruin your quasi-passable story with my inconsistency!"
Emily looked pointedly at Alice, who was fighting the urge not to get
Blake back out of her pocket.
"This is all your fault, you know," she said. Then, she turned
to look at WILL. "://ALT+F4"
"://PROGRAMME IS NOT RESPONDING."
"Ooh! Let me try!" said Alice "://CRTL+ALT+DEL"
"System freeze." Countered WILL
"Alice, you don't even know how your PC works, be quiet."
"-Oh and you do?"
"More than you. ://REBOOT PROGRAMME"
"://WINDOWS HAS DETECTED FILE CORRUPTION TO FILE FNG00000241.EXE.
THAT FUNCTION CANNOT BE IMPLEMENTED."
"://SYSTEM RESTORE!" said Emily frantically.
"://ERROR. PLEASE CONTACT THE ADMINISTRATOR."
"The scenery around them faded to black as WILL's manic laughter
filled the air.
"Wait!" Cried Ally, "You forgot one important thing!
this story is only going onto the computer as we speak, and long before
Emily spends all those hours typing, the episodes exist as fountain
pen and pencil on lined paper. And on paper
there's nothing you
can do to stop us, because all of this scene was predestined outside
"Good point! I forgot that!" said Emily, and from nowhere
she materialised a giant eraser and began chasing WILL with it, cackling.
"Emily. That's just lame. Can't you try a little harder?"
said Alice exasperatedly.
. AHA!" Emily clicked her fingers and Imaginary
Tom Watson [Emily version] appeared. She pointed excitedly at him. "He
knows how the inside of a computer works!"
"With my highly irritating incomprehensible technojargon I rebuke
thee!" Said Tom in a melodramatic drama voice.
"Nooo!" Yelled WILL "I'll be baaack
"Get back in the plot, you big loser!" Alice taunted him as
"Yeah! We rock, brain people!" Said Emily, "Hang on a
second..! Tom is in my brain! In my brain! Get him out! Out! ARGH!"
"Bye guys!" said Tom cheerily, and disappeared.
"Why wouldn't you just let me rub him out with a giant eraser?
"Because that would be lame Emily and I'm here to remind
you of such things, when I'm not amusing you with my Blake and drinking
THAT EPISODE WAS LONG FOR SOMETHING EMILY WROTE
HOW WILL THE FLAINSWORTHS DEFEAT THE DEMON LLAMA?
WILL THEY EVER GET TO DISNEYLAND?
WILL DEE KILL BEANSPROUT?
WILL BEANSPROUT KILL DEE?
WILL THEY DEFEAT WILL?
WILL EMILY'S BRAIN SHOW UP AGAIN?
YOU KNOW YOU LOVE HER BRAIN, IT'S A FUN PLACE.
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON