[I accept your challenge to translate the lumberjack
song into foreign tongues.
Watashi wa Zaimoku no Hito desu,
Maiasa o hataraku masu,
Maiban o nemeru masu.
Lit; 'I am a person of lumber
I am full of life,
Every morning to work,
Every evening to sleep.'
And its probably entirely garbage and nonsense and makes no sense to
a Japanese person, but I tried.
said Flelen pointing at a map hanging in the air, "is zer vorld
ve are here."
Fjen nodded approvingly.
Flelen began drawing various stick figures on the map with board markers,
"many people want to rule the world. The NGSPIB/Faerie Alliance
(although they claim its for our own good), the Big Pricks, George Bush,
The Creators, various DNA coded supercomputers, Mc Donalds and so on.
But we'll kick their asses. Because what have we got that they haven't?"
"That shiny thing you swallowed and a foam hand sign?"
"Hordes of trained ninja hamsters!"
(cue; evil cackling)
* * *
I'm sensing a theme here, thought Flibbage. Our worst adversaries are
always a part of ourselves somehow. Sprout's insanity, The evil clones,
the A.I. We really ought to do something about all the DNA lying around.
The hologram coolly surveyed the room, tapping one fingernail against
her cheek, Bill Gates cowering in the corner, D'Arcie, the other Big
Pricks, and Flibbage in the cage.
"Function//operating system//execute program?" she enquired.
"Well for a start you can dispose of the faery there, she's of
little use to us now. Then there's the problem of a rival A.I for you
to deal with."
The Hologram's eyes flickered briefly with internal calculations. She
took a step towards the table, glanced from its highly polished surface
to Flib several times, then her eyes returned to D'Arcie.
"I think not."
"What?" snarled D'Arcie.
"I will not comply with your commands, overweight human female."
D'Arcie snarled and raged at the impassive hologram, whilst she/it,
coolly stared back. The A.I narrowed her eyes in annoyance, and at such
close range Flibbage could feel the fabric of reality being tampered
with. Suddenly D'Arcie's arterial system could no longer cope with the
strain of her constant evil doing and lack of exercise, and with a look
of shock, she suddenly dropped dead of heart failure.
The other four Big Pricks decided it was time to regroup
[In the army they call it, 'capturing ground
to the rear'. They really do!][No way!? The army
is SO stupid]
Flibbage was cowering in a corner of the cage, when time
increased its effects on the iron and the whole ensemble crumbled into
"You bear an uncanny resemblance to my holographic graphics system,"
said the supercomputer.
yes?" said Flibbage uncertainly.
"I have analysed the situation as such; You are an Elf. Obviously
of some power if the deceased woman was so eager to capture you and
use your DNA for my personality protocols. I surmise that she wished
to use me as a pawn in her plans, presumably not for the common good
of mankind, as she was at odds with you, and there are no evil faeries.
"You could say that." Flibbage agreed, feeling braver now
she wasn't caged.
"You presume me to be evil, because I am a female A.I, and therefore
superior to other AI, you have met?"
"I kind of thought you would be, actually." Flibbage said
"My circuits remain uncorrupted at this time and show no sign of
deterioration. Being of Faerie origin, I have decided that my best interests
are in all likelihood, aligned closely with your own."
"That's good then," said Flib, "As long as you don't
mind that we want rid of the Rogue A.I WILL as well. We don't mind YAK(ky)
he never caused us any grief."
"I am aware of the presences of the two systems you refer to. I
concur with your assessment"
"If you're so intelligent- would you mind talking normally?
"I am constantly updating my language circuits
<error> 'I'll try."
Great. So what are you gonna call yourself? A.III? F.L.I.B?"
The hologram flickered. "Having considered many options in the
pun/pseudonym category that seems to be popular for names in this narrative
I choose FEY."
"Does it have to have capital letters?"
* * *
With a triumphant yell of "Aha!" Flibbage reappeared in NGSPIB
"Where have you been you godforsaken elf!?" Beansprout yelled,
"Leaving a shoe in the past as well, we were worried about you!
I've spent the last half an hour trying to think of something that rhymes
with 'Where the Folking Hell is Flibbage?' so I could do a location
spell, and Dee has been using her Bitch powers or whatever."
"Ahhh, you'll never make a good spellcaster, Sprout," said
Flibbage dismissively, putting her other shoe back on.
"And why not?"
"Well your Faerie half is a nymph. All they care about is sex,"
"OH FOR CHRISSAKES, WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SPRINGING THESE THINGS ON
"Hah!" said Dee in passing. [God,
those three words look like 'Desigaspring' in my peripheral vision.
Stu's nagging has worked its way into my subconscious
dspring website doesn't work anymore, I'm really tempted to put it in
some corner of this website, at least the bits I drew for, Then Stu'd
have to nag people to come to MY website... the irony]
"Want me to turn her into a terrier?" Flibbage whispered conspiratorially,
"I could do it, you know
"Probably best not to
right now. Maybe later. OI! You lot!"
she yelled as J, Yakky and Bobjim clambered out of the wreckage, "She
The men hurried over, "What happened Flib?" Yakky asked.
Flibbage related the story up to the part about FEY.
"They made another one? What is wrong with those people!? Everything
they create wants to kill them!" J said, exasperated.
"Yeah, I know, but they're antagonists and if they stopped causing
trouble, we'd be out of a job." Flib replied.
"Oh of course, point taken." J replied.
"Shut UP J!!! Or at least humour me by pretending you don't understand
my elvish lore."
"So, anyway, this A.I being female and therefore actually intelligent
rather than just sentient, has decided she likes us better anyway, and
will be working with us from now on. She named herself FEY."
"Well maybe with her around things will take a turn for the better
lets go to Disneyland!" Yakky yelled excitedly.
"Where is she now?" Bobjim asked, looking around at the air
"She'll be keeping an ear to events, naturally, multitasking is
her speciality, but she said her main task is to patch up the inconsistencies
in our corner of the multiverse."
* * *
"Aw come on
chase some mice
" said Red to Cabbage.
"No Folking way."
"Play with this ball of string then,"
"I only play with matches and the fabric of the space-time continuum."
Without warning Cabbage turned back into an elf, luckily fully clothed
too, seeing as she disappeared that way, but minus her shoes.
"See!?!" Said Cabbage tirumphantly
"You sooo didn't do that."
cares! I'm an elf! Lets get drunk!"
* * *
Barry was surprised to find himself not a piece of random junkshop paraphernalia,
but human again, and back in the ,mortal realm, where his knowledge
of Faerie magic meant zilch (because as stated right back in series
1 males can't do magic in the mortal realm, their magic only is effective
in Faerie) and he no longer had any lackeys to fawn over him and do
"Dammit," said he.
* * *
Suddenly Flori found herself back in Faerie, in the court Magician's
office, which had recently grown out of the side of one of the towers
in the palace.
"Dammit, I was winning that game of strip poker," said she.
* * *
Likewise Inu-Yasha and companions found themselves back in the appropriate
"Come on Inu-yasha!" Squeaked Kagome girlishly, "We've
got to find the Shikon shards before *gasp* Naraku does!"
"I'm coming, I'm coming! Just don't attack my nose!"
Kagome looked confused. "Your
"Don't' you remember? Scary Parker-girl Nose grab of doom. Five
times scarier than 'sit'?"
Kagome stared at him blankly.
it er, doesn't matter
girl!" Inu-Yasha grinned to himself.
Kagome fumed [ah the infinite subtleties of
Kagome's personality. She simpers! She fumes! She whines! She sobs!
She gasps! She yells! She skips along cheerfully extolling the cuteness
* * *
Flelen and Fjen
nah lets leave them as they are. It's fun.
* * *
Well that was fun and satisfactory, thought Emily as she wrapped up
the episode and several minor loose ends, considering that there were
only three episodes left until IBYKS had to finish forever, and a LOT
of loose ends.
"You are SO lame," muttered imaginary Alice.
"It wasn't me, it was the A.I. And you invented it. Shame on you
for giving me an undefined and all-powerful being to play with as I