#89 "Me, Myself and Ai. [watch me pun with
my limited Japanese] By
reappeared in a swirl of binary, much like the opening credits of the
matrix, because like Flib, she had a sense of style and impressive entrances.
"Some of the more obvious inconsistencies have been removed. I suggest
we now attempt to-"
"-Sort out WILL?" said Flibbage. "I thought so too. But
we need to work out how seeing as he doesn't exist in-"
"-The real world? No. But luckily-"
"You have a plan?"
"Oh. Dear. God." Said Dee.
"Can't keep up?" asked Beansprout wryly.
Yakky (as usual) was confused. "Why are they talking like that?"
FEY looked at him as if he just asked her what number comes after two.
"My processor is modelled on her brain patterns."
"Well why don't YAK(ky) and I finish each other's sentences then?"
Everyone looked around at each other and didn't say anything.
"We've really got to get these inconsistencies sorted
Flib commented.[ I frikkin' LOVE metafiction!]
"Author error, can't do anything about it." Said FEY.[It's
in de past! to quote Rafiki the wise monkey]
"So how are we gonna kick WILL's ass, dudes?" asked Bobjim.
"WILL has taken corporeal form in the past," said FEY, "we
can only assume that this would be his most vunerable state as he is fully
immersed in the narrative. I can attempt to flush WILL out of the ether
[as in Ethernet]-and
Nuke the bastard till he glows?" asked Beansprout.
"And you don't even have an A.I"
"Shut up, Yakky."
FEY pointed and a square portal opened up in the air revealing a very
"Not the Faerie Realm again," muttered Dee.
"No! its- DISNEYLAND!!!"
"Shut UP, Yakky."
"Actually I think he's right," said J, peering through the portal,
"But why Disneyland?"
FEY explained. "Disneyland has just become the HQ of a new organization
seeking world domination. It's a nexus for the chaos that seems to be
spreading through this version of the universe. It's certain that WILL
will manifest there."
"That makes very little sense to me, but okay."
"We might as well take that photo while we're there," said Bobjim,
randomly producing a Polaroid camera.
"Yes," said FEY. "That is consistent."
"Can't it wait?" said Flib, testily.
"No, the photo must be taken on arrival, so you seem like normal
"I have wings! Yakky has ears! On his head! How are we supposed to
look like normal tourists?"
"Don't worry, this is Disneyland we're talking about."
"Well lets get this pointless task out the way," muttered Dee,
and stepped through the portal. J, then Yakky and Bobjim followed..
Flib glanced at Beansprout. "Well, this is it."
"This is always 'it', until the next 'it' shows up."
"True. What about 'Here we go again'? Are you ready?"
"When have I ever not been ready to kick something into tiny pieces?"
"And lets thank the gods we don't have a cheesy catchphrase."
They walked towards the portal.
"Wait for a second, you two," said FEY.
* * *
The other four arrived outside some pastel pink gates and turnstiles.
Dee sniffed the air.
"Whats that?" she said.
"Look, it's not our fault," said J. "The writers never
write about showers."
"Dude," said Bobjim, who, as a half-elf, was the only one who
understood what he was talking about, "what do the writers have against
"I bet they just never thought of it." J answered looking crossly
at where he thought the camera man might be standing if there was in fact
a camera, and this was not prose.
"Shut up, shut up! It's not any of you!" Dee snapped, "It's
in vast quantities
with a growl she vaulted over the turnstile and disappeared into Disneyland
like a yip-yip dog after mice.[because the average
rat could eat a yip-yip dog].
The boys watched her go.
"Beansprout'll be sorry she missed that," Yakky commented, "Talking
of which, where are they?"
"Don't know, dude. Hey, you don't ever crave small, fluffy animals
for breakfast, do you?"
"Nah, me and my werewolf side aren't particularly in touch with each
other. I mean apart from the ears and pointy teeth, I just get really
pissy around the full moon. And I do eat a lot of steak
stuff like silver brings me out in a rash, but otherwise-"
"We really don't care."
At that point Beansprout and Flibbage appeared looking tense.
"What kept you, Dudes?"
"Nothing! Shut up! We've got things to do and a ten-minute window
in which to do them!"
okay, Smile!" said Bobjim.
And so, the time travelling Polaroid was taken.
Flibbage conjured up a piece of rare steak that brought Dee to heel, and
they set off into the amusement park.
"Folk!" exclaimed Flib, pausing in the turnstile as she crossed
the threshold of Disneyland (and causing everyone behind her to get stuck).
"Hostile World Domination Organization? They're Faeries!"
* * *
Fey was dividing her consciousness down phonelines and copying surveillance
programs into databases in a Hex-like way [sci-fi
tale written by a girl called Rhiannon Lassister. Only seventeen when
first published, great role model for Ally] when she picked
up on Flibbage's voice.
"FEY, change of plan. You're gonna have to turn that ten minutes
into half an hour."
"Organics," muttered FEY under her breath, and began
restructuring the electronic medium where The Story, was being kept.
* * *
"Right Face!" Flelen commanded.
The Ninja hamsters milled around aimlessly.
(squeak squeak squeak
"They're so well trained," Flelen wiped a tear from her eye.
"So Fjen, how's your battle plan going?"
"First we send the hamsters after George-Bush-Fucking-Twat, and then
we get compromising photos of Tony Blair with one of the baby hamsters,
then we deploy hamster SWAT teams to every Starbucks, in order to catch
out the Big Pricks
"Maybe we should leave them to it
" whispered Yakky from
behind the gift stand, where our intrepid heroes were hiding out.
"There's no way I'm letting a minion take out George Bush,"
said Flibbage firmly, "his ass is mine."
"Maybe you should go have a private word with them, its not like
they can hurt you," said Beansprout to her.
"The hamsters will chew her feet off before she can get close!"
"Not if we create a diversion
"Not if I kill all the hamsters," said Dee, licking her lips.
Flibbage and Beansprout, looked at each other, then at Dee.
"I like the sound of that plan."
"We're never going to forgive you for it."
"Oh, I know."
* * *
Cabbage sat on her throne and leaned back, chuckling in an evil dictator
"Sho, Cabbage," slurred Red as she fell over, "Does thish
mean you're Queen again?"
"Damn Folking straight."
"I thought you'd be like Queen Dowager, or shomething
said Red from the floor.
"So, if you were the Late Queen and, and now you're not, is Flib
the Early Queen?"
"Shuddup, that's just stupid."
Red shrugged and waved at a passing male faery, "Heeeeeey! You're
* * *
"So whats our diversion gonna be?" Yakky said, creeping after
Beansprout as she crept round the Pirates of the Carribean ride.[Is
it a rollercoaster? Well she wasn't creeping round Johnny and Orlando,
much as she'd like to]
"I'm just trying to think of one," said Beansprout prying the
front of a control panel off and inspecting the mechanism.
Yakky put his hands in his pockets and looked around awkwardly. "Y'know,
Sprout, I think we need to talk
"Uh-huh," said Beansprout distractedly, pulling out wires and
"I mean, I've been thinking a lot, what with all the stuff with Dee,
and you nearly marrying J, and me being forced to marry Flib for a while,
and just about everything really
Folking short-circuited health-hazard piece of
"And I was just thinking
well, there have been so many things
we couldn't be sure of
Beansprout's head had all but disappeared amongst the wires, but Yakky
could still see her pigtails and hear muffled curses. He took this as
having her undivided attention.
"So I was wondering if-"
There was a loud sound of metal groaning and the ride began to move. The
soundtrack to Pirates of the Caribbean began to echo back and forth in
the otherwise quiet park.[I know the ride doesn't
have this, because it was around before the film, but it's for effect.][I'm
sure it has piratey music of some description]
Beansprout emerged from the machinery, smudged with engine oil. "Sorry,
you were saying?"
* * *
"Some of you may be afraid," Flelen thundered to the hamsters,
"But remember! You are not here to die for your spinny wheels and
warm sawdust, No! You are here to make the other bastards die for theirs!
I believe- ooh, a rollercoaster!" and she and Flelen took off towards
the ride. As they flew past the impractical castle, two large hooks shot
out of a window, and hauled them in.
The Flainsworth Imps looked up to see a smiling Flibbage, and a strange
elf they didn't know.
"A word?" said Flibbage cheerily.
* * *
J and Dee were still crouched behind the gift shop. J was holding a giant
gun [Where does he keep them? Ack! Everything
you didn't want to know about IBYKS and were too disgusted to ask][I
can only hope its some variation on L-space]. Dee was drooling.
"Wait for the diversion, Dee." J warned her.
"Fuck the diversion! I'm HUNGRY!"
"Damn straight," muttered J to himself.
"What?" said Dee flicking an ear in his direction.
I thought you said 'I'm hot.'
Dee looked at him with much the same expression she'd been eyeing the
"Well you are!"
"Do you not have that little bit of your brain that prevents you
saying stupid things?"
"Thought not," muttered Dee, then pricked up her ears as the
ride ground into life. "There's our diversion!"
"It might not be-"
"THERE'S THE DIVERSION!"
Dee pounced into the masses of hamsters with a roar, and started cutting
swathes through them with her claws. Caught up in the moment J stepped
out and began firing rounds into the hamsters as they charged.
"DAMN THE MAN! SAVE THE TORPEDOES!"
"Eh?" said Dee, pausing, and was immediately buried under a
wave of hamsters.
"DEE!" J yelled and opened fire, shreds of hamsters went everywhere.
He ran over and helped her to her feet.
"Did you just shoot at me with your eyes closed!?"
"But you still SHOT AT ME!"
"Well yeah, but it's not like I had silver bullets or anything!"
Dee looked at him as if she was about to slap him. Then she smiled and
squeezed his shoulder.
"Squeak?" interrupted a nearby hamster.
As one they turned to face it.
"Bring it on, Fluffy."[Do you remember
my hamster Scruffy? Now she was a ninja. Actually no, she was just
* * *
"Now," said Flibbage, "As you Queen, I command you to stop
trying to dominate the world and go back to Faery. I mean, come on! It's
the mortal realm, it smells all funny."
"Tis true," said Fjen, "Lets go back to the Realm, Flelen."
"Actually ," said Flelen, "I'm more of a Demon Imp than
a Faerie one these days. So
[Dammit, Fjen should have swallowed that Shikon shard, they've just said
things the other would say in real life.]
"Flelen!" hissed Fjen, "That's the Queen! She'll kick our
"Queen eh?" said Flelen, walking over to Flibbage. "Really?"
"Don't push it, Flelen," said Flibbage.
Typically, Flelen pushed her. Flib fell off her shoes and landed on the
floor with a painful sounding thump.
Bobjim and Fjenny stared. "Not good, dudette," whispered Bobjim
"But you can't hurt the queen!" exclaimed Fjen, "It just
Flelen looked on thoughtfully as the Shikon-no-tama did it's usual second
wave of transformation and she grew about three feet taller. She tapped
her chin with newly sharpened claws.
"If I can hurt her
" she picked up Flibbage by the wings.
"Then she can't be Queen anymore."
* * *
Beansprout stared at Yakky.
"I don't believe this!" Yelled Sprout, "I mean, why now!?"
"How can you say something like that to me?"
Yakky didn't even bother trying to reply.
Beansprout turned around and began to walk away, "I can't believe
He watched her go, leaned against the wall and slid to the ground.
"Shit. Shit, shit SHIT!"
"That's right, Fred!" said a voice next to him.
Flibbage yelled, and a fireball exploded in Flelen's facing causing her
to drop her.
"Controversial," Fjen commented.
"I'm the Queen dammit!" aid Flib despite all evidence to the
contrary, "Go home!"
"But we like it, here." Fjenny and Flelen dropped into fighting
stances, and launched forward in one of their deadly tandem attacks."
"Jenga!" yelled a voice, and the imps toppled over.
Flibbage looked over her shoulder, Bobjim grinned. "More than just
a pretty face, dudette."
"As if. Now DUCK!" Flib yelled as Flelen leaped again.
Bobjim hit the floor and Flib held up her hands:
"Some are born great, as for you,
I'm afraid this isn't true.
Be released from borrowed charms,
"Flib!" wailed a voice. There was a clatter of footsteps up
the impractical stairs and Beansprout tumbled intro the room.
"Kind of busy right now, Sprout." Said Flibbage trying to hold
onto the unfinished spell, which was glowing dangerously and trying to
bounce out of her hands.
"But I don't know what to do!"
"You're a clever girl, can't you just do something clever?"
Flibbage glanced at the Flainsworth's, who, luckily seemed just as interested
in Beansprout as anything else.
"I can't! Not when Yakky's being so Goddamn stupid!"
Flibbage groaned and let the spell go, "What's wrong this time?"
"Well, he started saying all this stuff about Dee, and how I nearly
married J, and how you had to marry him, to keep him from getting hurt
Beansprout paused, pale and wide eyed. She looked like she was fighting
Don't tell me he gave up on you?"
"No!" wailed Beansprout. "The stupid Folking bastard PROPOSED!"
ONLY TWO EPISODES LEFT!
HOW WILL THESE INTRUGING EVENTS UNFOLD?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME, IN THE PENULTIMATE EPISODE OF
THAT DIDN'T FEATURE IN THIS EPISODE:
RED BEING ASKED OUT IN MIME BY A MAN WHO COULD NEITHER SPEAK NOR UNDERSTAND
CABBAGE'S FEAR OF SCARY COSPLAYERS.
HEATHCLIFFE DOING ANYTHING, FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.
BUSH BOMBING LEGOLAND, BECAUSE HIS INTELLIGENCE WAS WRONG (OR IN HIS CASE,
ANYTHING ABOUT THE FAIR.
ANYTHING ABOUT FISH.
GUEST APPEARANCES BY BLOOM AND DEPP.
YAKKY AND J TAKING A SHOWER... NOT TOGETHER.