#90 "Wedding cake or death." By Emily.
okay, - EVERYONE FREEZE!!!" said Flib, holding up one hand and
implementing the most useful spell in her vocabulary. She pointed at
Beansprout, "You. UNFREEZE! - He said what!?"
"He wants to marry me!" Beansprout raged.
"Aww, that's so cute! What did you say?"
"I told him to go away."
Flibbage sighed and placed her hands on her hips. "Why, Beansprout,
are you so consistently nasty to him? He's the only guy in the world
stupid enough to love you and its not like he ever did anything to hurt
"That's just it! Its always me getting him hurt! He deserves something
Flibbage stared incredulously at her friend. "Do you ever stop
to think about what he thinks he deserves? Seems to me I'm not
the one you should be discussing this with. Besides you're supposed
to be keeping Ninja hamsters away from me, so I can fight these guys.
If you left Yakky on his own (and most likely sulking) he's probably
getting himself mauled to pieces as we speak."
"FOLK!" yelled Beansprout, and sprinted off.
"Dear Gods, what am I, a Folking primary school teacher?"
said Flibbage to herself, and undid her timestop spell. The other three
Faeries present looked around, aware that something had gone on without
"Hey! Where'd Pigtails go?" asked Fjen, suspiciously.
that was a pretty snazzy hairdo she had
" commented Flelen.
"Flelen, keep to the task in hand! Total world domination remember?"
"Yeah yeah," said Flelen absentmindedly, and was about to
launch into another attack when FEY appeared in a swirl of binary and
a crackle of static. The action paused again, as it seemed that the
Flainsworth's were only interesting in fighting as long as nothing else
exciting was going on.
"Please don't tell me someone proposed to you too?" Flibbage
FEY didn't respond. "Whilst I was working on my programme to entrap
WILL, I think I found another inconsistency, but it's one I should check
"When you created the second Realm, did you in any way, specify
that there should be llamas there?"
"No, why would I want a llama!?"[FLIBBAGE! Who doesn't want a llama?!]
"I thought so. //INCONSISTENCY091867428// PRESENCE OF DEMON LLAMA
WITH SHIKON SHARD IN NON-LLAMA ZONE// DEATH BY DEMON LLAMA- NEGATED//"
A bemused looking guy in armour appeared.
Flelen gasped. "
* * *
The hamsters, once their sheer volume of numbers had been reduced, were
not actually that effective as a weapon. Dee surveyed one as it hung
grimly from her hand, teeth locked around one finger.
"That really doesn't hurt," she informed it.
"Gnaaaar!" growled the hamster. Dee shook her hand violently,
causing it to fly off and disappear into a nearby hedge. [Scruffy
did this. She also bit my nose, and ate her own babies...]
"I think that's all of them," said J.
"What do we do next?" Dee asked.
"Go get the Pizza?" asked J hopefully.
Dee stared at him. "What kind of a lame-ass idea is that? We ought
to be killing stuff!
Lets go find the Elf!"
I knew there was a reason why I usually stick with Flibbage at world
saving time, thought J, she never objects to pizza.
Just then Beansprout sprinted past, looking singularly determined.
"Hmm, on second thoughts, let's follow psycho girl, she looks like
she's on her way somewhere important. You choose, J. I dislike them
J Stared at Beansprout's disappearing form. "Lets go for the Flibbage
option, Beansprout only looks like that when she's off to have some
kind of emotional showdown with Yakky." He said, but what he was
actually thinking was, 'Let's go find Flib, defeat some badguys, and
go get a pizza.'
* * *
Oddball levelled her gun at Yakky. "So Fred," she said coolly,
"How's things with you?"
"ARGH! I mean- er- not bad- considering
" Squeaked Yakky,
"H-how about you?"
"Well Fred's dead, so the green sausages are a bit screwed really.
I mean Jenenchilada's a pretty devious rogue, but she's not mean enough
to rule the world, and Phil, well he's a fool, it can't be helped. Lance
is an imbecile. And me personally, well I just can't be bothered. All
our sausages just make things more complicated in the long run. I'm
hopping the next intertextual link out of here."
Yakky pondered what was actually quite a lucid speech for Oddball. Eventually
he translated 'green sausages' as Big Pricks, and 'sausages' on it's
own as 'schemes'. 'Fred' had to refer to
"D'Arcies Dead!?" he exclaimed, "Flib didn't tell us
that part! Stupid elf
"I've said it before, Fred, and I'll say it again. That'd spoil
"Oh in the name of Green Sausages! Forget it! You're way too stupid
to shoot, anyway. Have this, Fred." Holstering her gun, Oddball
took an apple out of her back and handed it to him. With a slightly
manic smile and a wave, she wandered off.
Yakky was left standing there, more confused than ever.
"Hey girls!" Heathcliffe said, saluting to Fjenny and Flelen.
He then turned and bowed to Flibbage, who could see that an extremely
useful ace had just been sent her way.
? Can it be?" gasped Flelen Kagome-style,,
which was unusually cheesy for her, especially considering she was a
"Wow! Let me tell you, that Llama nearly got me, but I certainly
" Heathcliffe added, waving his sword around experimentally.
Whilst the Flainsworths were distracted, Flibbage sidled over to FEY.
"Don't suppose there's anything you can do about the Shikon shard?"
she whispered to the supercomputer.
"I can't negate it, it's not an inconsistency. It's your own fault
really, you should know better than to chuck a powerful magic jewel
in the air so near to an intertextual link. However
flew into the air behind the distracted Flelen, and dropkicked her squarely
between the shoulderblades.
"Kheck!" choked Flelen, and spat out the offending Jewel shard.
"Damn. It was that easy and I didn't think of it," Flibbage
"Anticlimatic, dude," said Bobjim.
Flelen had started to shrink back to normal size, which considering
she was an Imp, was considerably shorter than Flibbage.
"You tow are in so much trouble when we get back to Faerie-"
Flibbage began, but Flelen wasn't listening.
"Heathcliffe," she yelled, throwing herself at the bemused
looking warrior. "You're alive! I'm so glad!!!"
" said Heathcliffe to himself, "Cool."
"This is so Frikkin' ridiculous," said Flib, "I'll deal
with the lot of you later," she said, and throwing her hands in
the air, she walked off. Bobjim and FEY followed, Bobjim rescuing the
shard as he passed it. A few minutes later they ran into J and Dee headed
in the opposite direction.
"Hey! Where's the action?" asked Dee excitedly.
"Folking non-existent it would appear." Flibbage sulked.
"Great! Time for Pizza!" Yelled J. Flibbage threw her shoe
"That was unexpected." Said J to himself.
"WHY CAN'T I JUST BE THE ALL-POWERFUL RULER OF MY OWN GODDAMN REALM???"
"That's the way it goes, dude." Bobjim answered.
* * *
was actually rather disappointed to find Yakky in apparently no danger
at all, but instead, pondering an apple he was holding.
"What the hell are you doing now?" she said,exasperated.
Yakky stared dazedly at the apple. "The Big Pricks have disbanded.
Oddball gave me this, she said she didn't want to shoot me."
Beansprout summoned her courage. "Look Yakky, I'm sorry I yelled
at you earlier. The truth is- is that apple ticking???"
Beansprout grabbed the apple, "Jesus Yakky, this is a BOMB!!!"
Taking aim she hurled it as far as possible. With classic cinematic
timing [secret of good comedy! God, how long
since we last used that joke?] it exploded in mid-air, blasting
our two protagonists backwards into a nearby hedge.
"-Ow," said Beansprout, pulling bits of twig out of her hair.
"You know sometimes Yakky, I think I'd better marry you,
just to stop you getting yourself killed."
"Wha-?" said Yakky dazedly.
"The answer's yes, you folkin' retard."
Yakky sat up suddenly and grabbed her hands, "You mean it?"
"No, I'm lying." She answered, deadpan.
Beansprout laughed. "You're so classic! Sarcasm, remember that?
Don't go all werewolf on me! Of course I mean it."
Yakky punched the air, then hugged her, knocking them both back into
the hedge again. "Woohoo! Sprout's gonna marry me!"
Suddenly a crackling of static filled the air.
"Touching as your little scene is, it's time for me to my
plans into action." Said WILL, shimmering into existence.
DUM DUM DUUUM!
SO WILL MAKES HIS APPEARANCE. BUT IS THIS ALL PART OF FEY'S PLAN?
WILL THEY DEFEAT WILL? [it's a pun or play on
FIND OUT NEXT TIME, THE LAST EVER EPISODE OF
WILL WE DO WITHOUT IT?
[Make webmanga, dammit.]