Volume 1: a Foolish Faerietale
Episode #83: Saving Beansprout's Brain
By Ally


[Anyway, in response to popular demand (i.e. Em's…which, if we count ourselves as readers, makes up nearly 20% of our readership…not too shabby - I'm going to try and write my self-projection into this episode. Yay. NB: I watched Excel Saga this morning and can't be held responsible if it creeps into the episode. It's insidious.][hahaha, exel saga influences everything it touches. Remember that episode of dspring with the suit?]
[TIME-OF-TYPING-EDIT I'd just like to point out that I do not like this episode at all. Thank you.][quit yer whining.]

Alice's self-projection sat in a small Parisian bar with a varied collection of artists, writers and musicians who were sitting around bitching about capitalism and the rat race. She was drinking a virgin Bloody Mary and thinking about Inubuyakasha.[oooh, your self-projection is an arty studenty type]
"Hmm…maybe this episode can be all about insane jealousy and painfully awkward romantic moments…"
The art-people stopped talking about how much of a sell-out certain people were and watched with withering expressions as Imaginary Em kicked down the door of the bar and stomped over to Ally's table.
"NO! No no no! You do that too often in your writings as it is!"
"Well, how about I kill everyone?"
"Baka! Just move it out of the palace - no killing anyone!"
The more pretentious of the art people sniffed. "Oh…an illustrator, I see…" [Em, I have to find you that random essay I read… 'Fine art is pure, illustration is the beginning of selling out'…it's by an illustrator who spent his entire art degree being bitched at by the fine artists in his year. Guaranteed to get you throwing shoes ^_^][Am I really this aggressive all the time? Must read this essay, sounds like fun.]
"Baisse-toi!" Ally shouted and turned back to Em. "I can't help it. It's like a compulsion…"
"Well, get over it!" Imaginary Em said, and left, stopping only to concuss the pretentious art person with a well-aimed boot.
Oh well, Ally thought, I felt like moving, anyway…
So she went to imaginary Nepal and lived in a cave for a while. The effects on the episode were tragic.
[They really were.]

* * *

Our intrepid quartet strode boldly across the occasionally-shifting landscape of the mortal realm. Dee strode alongside them, trying to pretend she was in no way connected with these people.
"Guys?" asked Yakky.
"Yeah?"
"Where the hell are we?"
"Nepal," Beansprout muttered.
"Why? Last thing I remember we were in the palace…"
"And how come Beansprout's here and we're not hiding behind something?" added J. "No offence."
"It's the AI," Flib sighed. "Obviously the writer of this part of The Story is trying to be literary and the A.I's taking it to ridiculous extremes."
"You what?"
" *sigh* Just sit tight, here comes the flashback…"
[I really hate this episode. Feel free to stop reading any time you want…][will you learn to spell!? A.I has a dot in it! Two words dammit, two words...Alice typed the first four episodes of this series and I had to re-edit them all]

* * *

"What are we going to do?" asked Red.
"We're going to do what we always do when things get ridiculous," Cabbage snapped, and turned to Beansprout, Flib, Yakky and J. "OUT! Out of my palace!"
"Hey! I'm Queen!"
"But I have CLAWS!"
"But what about Beansprout! She might kill us! No offence," said J.
"Hmm…" said Red. "We can't do a spell, the A.I'll just rewrite it."
"I might be able to help," said Dee.
"Will you stop being so helpful? It's depressing!" Flib snapped.
"She can help all she likes as long as it gets you out of my damn palace!"

* * *

"Well, that explains why we're here," J whispered. They were sitting against a darkened greyscale backdrop watching the flashbacks. Flib had inexplicably found some popcorn. "But not why we're comfortable around Beanspr….no wonder I say 'no offence' such a lot…"
"It also doesn't explain why she's here," Beansprout glared at Dee.
"Shh! Flashback two!"

* * *

"What is it?" J stared at the crossbow-like piece of weaponry with great interest.
Dee sighted along it, pretending not to realise that she was aiming at Flibbage. "One of the pack's Beta's came up with it. It's called an Espresso Shot."
"Oh, dear God, you said that without any trace of shame!" Flibbage wailed. "And DON'T point it at me!"
Dee ignored her. "We noticed that every Starbucks had disappeared. Then someone remembered what happens to a computer if you spill coffee on it. So our engineer put this thing together."
"Let me guess," Flib said sardonically. "A slug of strong coffee right through the head."
"You're pretty logical for a fairy."
"That's FAERY!"
"There are only two bolts," Yakky observed.
Dee nodded. "One for the AI, and one…backup."
"What do you mean, backup."
"If Beansprout turns evil," said Dee "I'll shoot her."

* * *

"WHAT?!" Yakky exclaimed.
"You weren't too bothered at the time," said Dee, pointing at the freeze-frame in front of them.
"YOU'RE READY TO SHOOT MY…um…to shoot Beansprout?"
"Ready and willing."
Flibbage glanced nervously at Beansprout. She hadn't reacted at all.

* * *

"OUT OUT OUT! STOP FAFFING AROUND WITH THAT CROSSBOW! OUT!"
"Cabbage means," said Red, standing up and striking a diplomatic pose [hark!]"your quest is to hunt down and destroy the evil AI to bring peace, stability and an end to weak plot devices!"[A.I!!!! A.I dammit…]
"Mum?" said Beansprout.
"Yes?"
"Shut up.
And so they left Faerie, much to the relief of everyone.
"Now I can get my palace back to normal!"
"Um…yeah…" said Red, staring at Cabbage.
"What? Do I have something on my face"
"Weell…not exactly your face…"
"What?"
"A flower…on your head…and little wings on your back…"
"NOOOO!!!" Cabbage screamed "Not a FRIKKIN' MOOGLE!". [Guess what else I'd been reading when I wrote this? Sorry, Tim.]
"Who would have thought the AI would stoop to such underhand theft?"
"AAARGH!"

* * *

"I'm still confused," J announced.
"Well, at least something's normal," said Flib. "Sprout, can I talk to you for a moment?"
"Sure."
Flib led Sprout a little way off the path. "Are you Okay?"
"About as much as I can be."
"No, you're not even that. It's like you're hardly here. You haven't even hit Dee!"
Beansprout shrugged. "There's a good chance you're all going to need her."
"Beansprout!"
"What?"
"This isn't right! Why are you doing this?"
"Doing what?"
"Repressing!"
Beansprout was silent for a while. Then she sighed.
"I'm just tired of it."
Before Flib could say anything, someone shouted "Hey guys!"
They looked up to see Kagome running towards them, wearing a T-shirt that said 'My Hanyou went to Middle Earth and all I got was this stupid T-shirt'.
"Have you two seen Inuyasha? He's disappeared!"[Inu-Yasha. also. Two. Words.]
"When?"
"I don't know, I was drunk…"
Flib groaned. "Folking inconsistencies…"
"We haven't seen him," said Beansprout.
"Stupid half-demon…OK, thanks anyway!" Kagome ran off, teetering as she went.
"Beansprout?" Flib said, staring after her.
"What?"
"I have a plan!"

* * *

"I don't understand. Again," J complained.
"It's easy," said Flib. "Evil humans have elvish doubles to balance them out. One neutralises the other. So if we find Beansprout's half-elf-half-human double, it should have the same effect!"
Dee made one of her infuriating faces, but Flib ignored her.
"Any complaints? No? Right! Let's go and save Beansprout's brain!"

* * *

Later that night…
Yakky and Dee were the only ones still up.
"You wouldn't really shoot Beansprout, would you?"
Dee nodded. "If she was going to hurt you. Come on, Yakky, you know her better than I do and even I can see she'd never forgive herself if that happened."
"But…you wouldn't enjoy it, would you?"
"Of course not. Did you enjoy beating the crap out of Lance?"
Yakky didn't answer. Dee smiled.
From her sleeping bag, Beansprout listened and seethed.

* * *

"Aargh!" Ally's self-projection shouted, and threw the notebook across the cave, where it hit Imaginary Em [who was flying around on a pair of angel wings for no apparent reason]. "Oh, sorry."[obviously Imaginary Em in Alice's head, is all chaos and anger and has none of the crypticness of the people in Emily's head… because its all over there in Emily's head, being… cryptic.]
"What's up?"
"I hate it. It's so hard to put the funny back in when it's got so dark. And it's really cheesy. I'm going to cross it out and start again."
"NO! You always do that and it ends up taking years! I'm going to steal this away," Imaginary Em added, and flew off as fast as her wings could carry her.
"Just you try and escape my twisty brain!" Ally shouted, then remembered that as it was the same brain as Em's, she knew all the exits. "Damn," she said, and disappeared off to New York.

[I don't know why Imaginary Em has wings. I really don't. Yay! The episode is over!][So? Write the last two, then we can get on with MY typing… which has consistent abbreviation and hyphenation :P][At the end of the last episode, I drew my representation of Imaginary Em…so Em began this one with 'Gingerbread Alice' - one of my favourite sketches despite the fact that Em rather than me is Gingerbread…Gingerbread Alice: "Then everybody died! Woo!"][Have ya'll ever noticed how A.I. looks like Al when you aren't paying attention? I've been amusing myself with 'the evil Al' for about half an hour][While I've been amusing myself giving you ulcers over my consistent use of 'AI'…in fifty years, it won't matter how I wrote it ^_^]

Episode#1 "The Tale Begins."
Episode#2 "Enter the Token Bloke."
Episode#3 "Stop Silicon Valley, I want to Get Off!."
Episode#4 "Faery Frolics and Fun with a Prophecy."
Episode#5 "The Loco Journeys."
Episode#6 "Cablim gets a Nasty Surprise."
Episode#7 "Beandiana Jones and the Temple of Choom."
Episode#8 "Oddball's Odd Behaviour."
Volume 2: Til Death do us Part
Episode#9 "Happy Birthday, Sweet Fifteen."
Episode#10 "The Sprout Sense."
Episode#11 "Four Funerals and another Funeral.
Episode#12 "Misty Water Colour Spirit Realm...."
Episode#13 "Interview with a Vampire Slayer."
Episode#14 "Ra-Ra-Rasputin!"
Volume 3: Space Opera
Episode#15 "Now the Thugs don't Work..."
Episode#16 "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."
Episode#17 "Lardraptors!"
Episode#18 "Go Folk Yo' Mama!"
Episode#19 "The Platetrix."
Episode#20 "In Space no one can Hear you Order Pizza."
Episode#21 "Deepwater Yak."
Episode#22 "Yak trek."
Episode#23 "Planet of the crepes."
Episode#24 "Dude Where's my Comedy Plot Conventions?."
Volume 4: Unconventional
Episode#25 "A Clockwork Beansprout."
Episode#26 "The Long Awaited Explaination."
Episode#27 "Ten things I hate about 'funny' cartoon crossovers."
Episode#28 "The Plan."
Volume 5: Happy Endings
Episode#29 "We're off to See a Werewolf..."
Episode#30 "The Yak and the Beansprout."
Episode#31 "The fellowship of the Thing."
Episode#32 "The one Where the Cast of Friends do Nothing and the Cast of IBYKS do little more."
Episode#33 "Meet your Yak."
Episode#34 "The Laughing Yak."
Episode#35 "Lord of the Thing(s)."
Episode#36 "Extra Extra Special with Magic, Cheese and Tesco."
Episode#37 "Faeries and Werewolves and Yaks, oh My!."
Episode#38 "IBYKS The animated feature film."
Episode#39 "The return of the Parents of the Children."
Episode#40 "Events Concluding Those which Preceeded."
Episode#41 "The Chips of WRATH!."
Episode#42 "In which Cabbage has Angst."
Episode#43 "Heaven is a Shoeshop."
Episode#44 "The Importance of being Soulless."
Episode#45 "Vinyl fantasy."
Volume 6: Killing Time
Episode#46 "Where is My Happy Ending...?"
Episode#47 "The Books of Faerie."
Episode#48 "Back to the Future from the Past..."
Episode#49 "The Time and Space of the Old Dude with the 'tache."
Episode#50 "Sprout, Flib, Yakky & J's Excellent Adventure."
Episode#51 "The Nerds The Nerds!"
Episode#52 "The Land of Reality."
Episode#53 "Ordinary (boring) World."
Episode#54 "Smoke and Mirrors."
Episode#55 "Some things we hate about Clones."
Episode#56 "I've got no Idea what you did Last Summer..."
Episode#57 "The Shoe Towers."
Episode#58 "Pizza is a dish best Served Cold."
Episode#59 "Sprout's Masked Replica."
Episode#60 "Curiouser and Curiouser..."
Episode#61 "Not another Season Finale?."
Volume 7: Intertextuality
pisode#62 "Faerietale."
Episode#63 "When Narrative Functions Turn Bad..."
Episode#64 "Jack, the Beanstalk, The Beauty, The Beast, The Witch, The Wardrobe and Will."
Episode#65 "Its a Good Li(f)e."
Episode#66 "The one with Four Titles..."
Episode#67 "The B Team."
Episode#68 "Narnia Has Nothing on this..."
Episode#69 "Clash of the Heroines."
Episode#70 "To Infinity and Beyond."
Episode#71 "The Thingwraith."
Episode#72 "Ghostmom."
Episode#73 "And all that Black Widow Crap Jazz."
Episode#74 "I've got a theory..."
Episode#75 "Magical Girl- Pretty Scary."
Episode#76 "Wheels within Wheels within Wheels- ARGH!"
Episode#77 "J's Story."
Episode#78 "Irrevocably Broken."
Volume 8: Loose Ends
Episode#79 "Lots of things Begin With Dee."
Episode#80 "Adventures in Slumberland."
Episode#81 "The One with the Revelation."
Episode#82 "Artificial Life Sucks.com."
Episode#83 "Saving Beansprout's Brain."
Episode#84 "The Road is Folking Hard..."
Episode#85 "The One with Gender Issues."
Episode#86 "Disneyland."
Episode#87 "(DEMON)Llama Llama Llama..."
Episode#88 "Perspective."
Episode#89 "Me, Myself and Ai."
Episode#90 "Wedding Cake or Death."
Episode#91 "Real Life.or Pizza, With Extra Cheese."
Extras
Episode#92 "Prologue in Manga Form."
Episode#93 "Curtain Opens."
Episode#94 "Trailer for series six."
Episode#95 "A nepalese Werewolf in London."(Flashback story, prelude to series eight)
Episode#96 "Fantasy Life Sucks."
Episode#97 "Credits Roll."
Episode#98 "IBYKS Companion (Part 1)."
Episode#99 "IBYKS Companion (Part 2)."
Episode#100 "IBYKS Companion (Part 3)."