OUT THE TISSUES AND HOLD ONTO YOUR SEATS- HERE IT IS
INUBUYAKASHA #91 -THE LAST EPISODE
"Real Life." By Ally
[Or, as I have named it in my mind, "Pizza,
-with extra cheese."]
"Does the word 'privacy' mean nothing to you?" Yakky snapped.
WILL raised his eyebrows. "As an abstract concept, yes. As an omnipresent
"Screw you," Yakky glanced at Beansprout, sure she would be
ready with some kind of killer one-liner.
She wasn't, she was looking around, then looking at her watch.
"Sprout," Yakky hissed, "Not to distract you from the scenery,
but this guy is trying to kill us
"Kill you?" WILL chuckled, "Oh, Yakky, why do you just
assume that every megalomaniac world-dominating force is out to kill you?"
"Rest assured," said the A.I, "I need you two alive for
a little while longer."
"Why?" asked Beansprout.
shouldn't you be kicking his ass right now?" Yakky hissed.
stalling for time. Gotta wait for the others," Sprout
whispered back out of the corner of her mouth.
"As if I'd tell you," WILL scoffed, the paused with a smile,
"actually, it'll mess with your minds, so why not? I have a long-term
restructuring program running, but I need the right tools. I thought Beansprout's
capacity for wreaking chaos and destruction would be ideal, but you're
too unstable, too unpredictable, there's no logic in you- unless this
quality is tempered by a calmer, less volatile nature-"
In a burst of binary FEY appeared, closely followed by Flibbage, Bobjim
Dee and J (on foot).
"About Folking time!" Beansprout shouted, and elbowed her way
over to Bobjim.
"Hah!" Said Yakky, "You are so going to die now."
WILL laughed, "I think not."
"FEY can't delete me," said WILL, and glanced at the other A.I,
"Can you FEY?"
FEY shook her head "There' no inconsistency in his creation, I can't
delete or kill him without finding his physical hard drive.
"Can't you just override his actions?" asked J.
"The universe can only cope with so many contradictions and alterations.
I can't continue negating things indefinitely, it would result in chaos."
"Haha!" WILL exclaimed triumphantly, "See!? There's nothing
you can do!"
"The Folk there isn't." There was a click of a safety catch
being released and Beansprout levelled the crossbow at WILL.
"Like I said," FEY said, "I can't kill you."
WILL laughed again.
"That's the best you can do?" he said, "I'm non-corporeal,
girl! Its like trying to shoot a shadow!"
Beansprout didn't smile.
"I know that," she said quietly, then swung her arm round to
aim at J. "Like she said, I can't kill you."
// * * *//
"I knew you'd try something like this, you crazy bitch!" said
J, pulled out a gun, and squeezed the trigger-
"You'll have to do better than that, WILL," said FEY. "No
inconsistencies, remember? You can't just hijack the plot without knowing
//* * *//
J stared at the crossbow, looking utterly bewildered.
"It's for the greater good, J," said Beansprout. "I'm so
She shut her eyes and began to squeeze the trigger
and then threw the crossbow to the ground.
"I can't do it! I can't Folking-"
"You're kidding me FEY,"
Fey shook her head. That's J down to a T, but Beansprout would never hesitate
to shoot someone these days."
"You can't override me forever FEY, you don't want this precious
little world to come apart at the seams, do you?"
"Neither do you," FEY replied, "so you'd better get it
right this time, hadn't you?"
//* * *//
"I knew it, I knew you'd try something like this, you crazy bitch!"
before Beansprout could blink, Dee, snarling and pale with rage, had thrown
herself in front of J.
"Dee?" J exclaimed
"If you want to shoot him, you'll have to go through me first!"
"And that's meant to deter me how?" Beansprout asked.
WILL grinned smugly at FEY, "Consistent enough for you?"
"Absolutely, " said FEY. "Thank you."
//* * *//
WILL frowned. "What?"
"Dee, get out of her way," J said quietly.
"Get out of the way!"
"I won't let her kill you!"
"How is standing in the way going to help? You made her hate you!"
"By all means, stand in the way," said Beansprout, finger on
"MOVE!" J roared, and knocked Dee to the ground.
There was a sudden silence, then WILL's hologram began to buzz. WILL winced
as if he'd been slapped.
"FEY told me and Sprout some information about A.Is before we got
here," said Flibbage.
"There are three ways to destroy them," Beansprout continued
matter-of-factly, clicking the safety catch back on the crossbow. "Destroy
the physical component- the CPU unit, kill the person they were created
"[the more observant of you might
like to ask that if all the main cast have been dead once already, so
why weren't the A.I's YAK(ky) and WILL killed then? Easy. The A.I's for
Deepwater YAK were created after their deaths at the hands of Buffy, and
existed in a time paradox which allowed YAK(ky) to go back in time and
meet the cast, because Deepwater YAK was a time travelling ship. But were
they to die again this would destroy the A.I's as it would no longer be
a paradox event. Those of you who are thinking that our main cast are
possessed clones of themselves and therefore not the originals, and wondering
why the A.I's weren't killed when the evil clones were- should go knock
themselves out with a broom
Or bring the linked person into a point of direct conflict
with the A.I" said Flibbage, "okay so J isn't particularly desperate
to rule the world, but he is leader of the NGSPIB, and before he had therapy,
he was just as crazy as you."
"But J would never hurt a friend in order to save his own life."
Beansprout finished, "You would. Point of direct conflict. Like giving
two opposite commands to a computer."
WILL looked down at his hands, which were disappearing like flesh in acid.[Euw
"File corruption," said FEY, "It'd take the intelligence
of an A.I to reboot your systems. You pissed YAK(ky) off a long time ago,
and frankly, I'm not going to help either."
"No!" WILL shouted, as he began to disintegrate in spatters
of mangled code. "You tricked me! You-"
The corruption spread upwards, eating through his face, towards the place
where a human's brain should be.
"Oh, I should probably mention-" said FEY.
There was a very big, very loud explosion.
* * *
The CNN reporter turned gravely to face the camera.
"We're at the scene now, where a short while ago, that icon of our
nation, our second capital, Disneyland, was almost totally destroyed after
a large-scale, unexplained explosion. The spokesperson for the Democrats
has urged us not to leap to conclusions, (*cough cough* TYPICAL *cough*),
but our beloved President has issued a statement saying this was almost
certainly the result of terrorist action. Whilst the spineless Democrats
are still sifting through the 'facts', Bush (Glory to his name) has declared
war against all countries without a Disneyland, because, hell, it could
have been any of them."
"Once again, there was a massive explosion at Disneyland earlier
today, rescue teams are as yet unable to gain access to search for survivors."
* * *
Yakky came to, to find someone slapping him repeatedly round the face.
"Beansprout! Thank God!" he exclaimed, and hugged her.
"Down boy. It's me." Said Dee through the smoke, and pushed
"Oh. Well, I'm glad you're alive too
"Shut up. I need your help." Dee stood up and strode away. Shakily,
Yakky followed, bones popping as he limped along. There was a hell of
a lot more rubble than he remembered.
"I don't know," Dee stopped by a pile of girders that had once
held up a rollercoaster.
"I Don't know okay!! Probably under some rubble somewhere! I can't
smell properly with all this smoke! All I know is I've been digging for
a hour, and I've only found you and J!"
Yakky blinked. J was lying unconscious at Dee's feet. His right arm was
trapped under a girder.
"I couldn't lift it on my own," she said quietly.
"Okay," said Yakky, "but then you have to help me find
* * *
When Beansprout found herself floating along a long, dark, tunnel towards
a beautiful, bright light, she was not pleased.
"Oh No," she said, and dug her heels in as best she could.
Move into the light my child, said a voice.
"Folk you! Been there, done that!"
"I'm not going in there! I know you were on holiday last time I visited,
but I'm still not ready to go back!"
I think you're missing the point
"If you don't send me back right now, I'll- I'll open a strip club!"
We already have one.
But before the voice could answer Beansprout felt herself spiralling away
from the light, into the darkness and an immense amount of pain.
* * *
"Beansprout? BEANSPROUT!" Yakky shouted, as he clawed through
the heaps of rubble.
"J needs an ambulance, you know," muttered Dee, digging rather
half-heartedly alongside him.
"Beansprout's gonna need an UNDERTAKER if we don't find her soon."
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you so very much," said Flibbage
as she and FEY appeared.
"Flibbage? Where the hell have you been?"
"FEY pulled us out of the explosion using an intertextual link. A
very well-planned one, I might add." Flib said, and wiped the last
trace of Smurf off her shoe.
"I was merely safeguarding my existence."
"Quiet you," Flib looked around. "Oh God is J-"
"Unconscious," said Dee.
much as I hate to ask you anything
but hell, he's
your friend, it's like your duty
"Heal him?" Flib went over, looked at J's crushed arm, and slowly
shook her head.
"Whatever did this was steel, not much I can do about it, too much
Dee's expression went from pleading to furious in a flash, "Why you
"BEANSPROUT!" Yakky cried, trowing a sheet of corrugated iron
to one side. Beansprout lay underneath, pale and still.
"Oh shit, Beansprout!" he sobbed, shaking her by the shoulders,
"Beansprout, you can't die on me now
"CPR ignoramus!" Flibbage called, from where she was tying a
tourniquet round the top of J's arm.
Yakky didn't hear her. He cradled Beansprout in his arms and rocked back
and forth, whimpering to himself.
Oh God, I can still hear her voice
"Yakky I can't Folking breathe!"
Startled, Yakky held Beansprout our at arms length and found himself looking
into a familiar irritated face.
"Aah," said Flibbage, and nudged Dee. "Come on, better
give them some privacy."
"Why? They're just shouting at each other like usu- oh. Euw!"
The two girls turned away, to see another pile of rubble shifting. Bobjim
sat up, and grinned in his usual, cheerful, indestructible way.
"Dudes!" he called.
" chorused Dee and Flibbage wearily.
"So guys. Pizza?" Beansprout said as Yakky helped her to her
"J needs a doctor!"
There was a bleary moan from J. "Pizza? Pizza is cool
"Pizza it is," said Beansprout with a smile. "Besides,
I don't think we ought to be here when the Americans work out it was us
blew this place up."
* * *
A week later
in Pizza Express (Now that's Pizza)
"Wedding! Weeedding! They're getting married!!!" squeaked Flibbage
over her slice of pizza.
"Yeah, but- why?" asked Dee sceptically.
Yakky smiled, although this was hardly unusual, as he'd been looking vaguely
stoned all week. "I guess when you've been through so much together,there's
not really much else you can do."
"Yeah and I'm pregnant," said Beansprout.
Yakky choked on his pizza.
Beansprout laughed "I'm just messing with you, for Folk's sake!"
"Really, really not funny
"Its weird," said J, "Yakky and Beansprout are getting
married, Bobjim's going to Nepal
"You've got no right arm
"Yeah, not quite the positive note I was going for, Yakky."
"No wonder FEY wanted us to take that picture as soon as we got to
Disneyland, I bet she had the whole thing planned from the start,"
said Flibbage, "Dramatic impact."
"Where is she now?" J asked.
"She said she was going to police the plot of this universe from
now on. Try and keep the worst of the intertextuality out, nip any end-of-the-world
scenarios in the bud."
" Yakky said slowly.
"The Democrats will win in 2008?"
"Probably," said Beansprout, "But I was thinking more along
the lines of this is it. No more heroics, we can get on with our lives."
They looked at each other.
"Shit," said J.
"Treat it as an opportunity," said Flib and snapped her fingers.
"Garcon, more pizza!"
"We're closing," said the waiter. Flibbage snapped her fingers
again, and turned him into a goose.
"What are we going to do?" Dee asked.
"Hell, we'll have our share of blood, sweat and tears," said
Sprout, "we've got a wedding to plan."
I dunno." Beansprout shrugged, and leaned back in her
chair, "I think I'll be a bit more laid-back, try not to be so full
of rage all the time."
"*cough cough* yeah right."
"What was that Flib?"
"Well I'm going to build me a robot arm," J said cheerfully
and reached for the last slice of pizza at the exact moment Dee did. Their
fingers brushed. Instantly they pulled their hands away and stared in
The others looked at each other and sighed.
"Look," said Flib, "Its' not really worth the hassle."
"I don't know what you mean," J said quickly.
"Uh, the pissing around," said Beansprout.
"Seriously," Flib carried on, "you could just talk to one
another and be mature and honest
"Feh," muttered Dee.
Or you could be exactly like Beansprout."
Flibbage paused to let this sink in. then she, Beansprout and Yakky stood
"See you at the wedding," Yakky called cheerfully as they left.
The three of them wandered out of Pizza Express and started along the
road. The sun was beginning to set. Beansprout and Yakky took each others
hands and Flibbage reverted to tiny form to flutter along beside them.
[obviously because her feet were tired]
"Normal life," Beansprout mused. "How weird is that going
"Not as weird as it will be for your poor neighbours."
An onlooker would see a tall silhouette clonking a much smaller one round
"Laid back, my green ass
"Anyway," said Flib, as the sunset threatened to engulf them,
"Some would say, that to live would be an awfully big adventure
"Those people," Beansprout replied, "would be in need of
a good slap."
the Plot moved on.
Well done! You've finished InubuYAKASHA! If you're eyes haven't melted, you can claim a prize! For a special piece of art to display with pride email emilybrady(at)footloosecomic(dot)com... answer a simple question to prove you've read it and i'll send you this!