Episode #87 "(Demon) Llama Llama Llama Llama
MUSHROOM MUSHROOM!" By Ally
of all~ yay for working the word 'weeble' into the episode. I've been
reading lots of Harry Potter, so it'll probably end up in here. My current
bets are that in the end Neville will make a heroic self-sacrifice,
and Malfoy, defying the clear-cut stereotypes of children's literature,
will turn good at the last minute
. But maybe I just like too much
emotional conflict and death in everything I read.
was beating the Llama into outsized, carnivorous pulp, whilst Fjen stood
around on the sidelines making sarcastic comments that were in fact
a demoralising charm aimed at making the Llama cry, when a trio of people
in very strange clothes and a small fox-like child ran up and joined
"The Shikon shard's between his eyes!" Kagome shouted, and
Sango threw her boomerang, hitting the Llama squarely on its forehead.
A small shiny something went flying, and the Llama suddenly reverted
to a dromedary with an identity crisis and a thirst for power. Flelen
caught the shard.
"That's mine!" Inu-Yasha struggled comically at the ropes
and fell over sideways.
"Fair lady," Miroku said, materialising in front of Flelen,
"if you give us the shard I shall give you the honour of bearing
There was a crumpling sound as Miroku collapsed under the combined punches
of Fjen and Sango.
"Can we have it though?" Sango asked politely.
"I don't have it," said Flelen. [she
"Yes you do."
"I don't have your pretty, shiny jewel, and I certainly haven't
"Oh no! You'll turn all evil and powerful!" Kagome said with
a gasp, "Quick! Put your fingers down your throat!"
"Actually," said Flelen with a smirk, "I think I might
implement my plan for world domination."
She flexed her imp wings, which were growing larger and more leathery
by the second, shouldered her 'surprise' sign (which now read 'YOU'D
BETTER WATCH OUT
') and launched herself into the sky.
"Exciting fun!" Fjen said, and followed.
" mused WILL as he watched.
* * *
They had waited several minutes after Beansprout's last line, which
in Flib's despairing brain was tantamount to "It's a million to
" or "like that'll ever happen
for inciting large scale trouble.
"Guess not," she added finally, "Which makes a nice change
"How can we not be dangerous?" J asked, "after all, "We're
a standard heroic group, of the kind found in a long-running series,
comprising of Heroine, Knowledgeable Sidekick, Love Interest, Rival,
lovable Rogue and er
me. [or according to Toderov's model, think
that was his name, Hero, Gift, Prize, False
the other ones in that narrative model that I can't
remember]. And then, when we consider the range of magical
At this point he broke off because Flibbage had knocked him out with
her clip board, and was now crouched suspiciously eyeing his prone figure.
"Chill," said Bobjim, "Guy was right, after all
"Bobjim, You haven't been with us for a long time," said Beansprout,
"but when J is right, everything else is very, very wrong."
"Anyone got a plan?" Said Yakky hopefully looking around,
"I think, seeing as we found the Disney land photo, we ought to
go there and-"
"Yeah, you wish," Beansprout glanced at Flib. "I think
we should sort out all our time paradoxes before it gets any more complicated.
"Yeah, 'cause escaping with non-existent semtex could be tricky,"
Flib agreed, and summoned some. "Back in a minute," she said;
"Send me back in time some way,
a year or two before today,"
Beansprout continued searching the debris, in the vain hope of finding
a convenient clue that would lead them straight to the Big Pricks' HQ,
or list their identities or give useful hints on how best to hack them
into tiny pieces. After a while, Yakky wandered over to help.
"What are you looking for?"
"Um-clues. About where the blasted CPU might be."
Yakky lowered his voice. "Why do you think J's suddenly so smart?"
"Must be something to do with WILL. Maybe because they share DNA,
they're linked somehow, and J gets some of his omniscience."
"Absolute Knowledge. Whereas your A.I spends all his time asleep
which explains a lot," Beansprout muttered, then saw Yakky's expression,
"Its not that," said Yakky picking something up, "I'm
used to you being rude to me, but look at this." He held out his
hand, in it was something small, green and expertly designed. Flibbage's
"Folk," said Beansprout quietly.
* * *
it hadn't taken Flibbage long to plant the Semtex, and she'd jumped
forward in time while wondering if Disneyland had maximum as well as
minimum height restrictions (something of a problem when one's height
is either seven feet or six inches), because she wasn't concentrating
she undershot by 24 hours.
There were people on the other side of the room, Flibbage immediately
reverted to miniature size, and hid under a toaster, peeping out to
"Watch the dress idiot!"
D'Arcie and Oddball, thought Flibbage. The Big pricks were only one
"I don't see why we need this," a man's voice growled. Ooh,
unknown member thought Flib, and tried to get a better look.
"Because, my dear, you can't just hit the A.I until it does what
it's told. And we don't want those kids to get their greasy paws on
There was a clattering as they headed towards the door, then the man
"What is it?" said D'Arcie as if she found this member of
the group particularly offensive.
He sniffed the air. Flib didn't even have time to move when he pounced.
"The elf is certainly taking her time," sniffed Dee caustically.
"Something's happened," said Beansprout.
"What makes you say that?" said J, who had come round, and
was playing battleships with Bobjim, as you do.
"Flibbage would never willingly discard her shoe; it's one of the
Regal Kitten Heels. They're priceless.
Dee, suddenly looking thoughtful, came over. She picked up the shoe
and sniffed it.
"I bloody knew it!" she exclaimed.
"He said he was infiltrating them!"
"Lance!" Dee snapped, "My idiot ex!"
* * *
After Dee had explained about Lance, making Yakky look embarrassed,
and Beansprout furious, she went on to explain about the pack's efforts
against the NGSPIB.
"We found out the only organization they had any fear of was this
mysterious group called the Big Pricks."
"And the Girl Guide Association," J added.
Everyone stared. "Why dude?" asked Bobjim.
"They know too much
" said J darkly.
"-Anywaaay, much as Lance would have loved to infiltrate the Girl
Guides, we sent him to the Big Pricks, to try and steer them round to
"Geez, is everyone trying to screw over someone else?" Yakky
"He said he'd become a full member
then Yakky beat the crap
out of him, so I just assumed he'd left."
"Whats this got to do with Flib," Yakky asked, quick as ever
on the uptake.
"It's obvious," Beansprout said. "This Lance becomes
a member of the Big Pricks-"
"-the Big Pricks want to take control of something to do with computers,
so naturally they let a werewolf take care of it-" Dee continued.
"-Flib would try and find out when the Big Pricks took the CPU,
so we'd have a lead to follow up-"
"Lance would have smelt her, and he hates faeries-"
"-so Flib's gone and got herself kidnapped," Beansprout concluded,
then she and Dee refused to look at each other for several minutes.
"What are we going to do?" Asked J, "are we gonna get
that weird world collapsing in on itself effect from series four? Do
we need a stand-in?"
"I have a vague idea," said Beansprout, concentrating with
the elvish half of her brain, "That it's okay, so long as we're
on a rescue mission because
"The plot still contains a focus on Flib," supplied J, looking
as if he had no idea what the words coming out of his mouth actually
" said Beansprout, "Forgive me if I never
tell you anything WILL might find useful, J."
"I'll forgive you, but it still stings."
"Okay!" Beansprout shoved the shoe under Dee's nose. "Follow
the scent Dog-girl!"
"Oh forgive me. Follow this Folking scent or I'll make you wish
you'd never been whelped."
"Harsh dude," said Bobjim, "but fair."
* * *
Flibbage woke up, still tiny and distinctly nauseous. She opened her
eyes to find herself in an iron birdcage. The Big Pricks, not knowing
that all they needed was a jam jar or other small receptacle, had gone
for the multi-purpose Faery containment device.
"Hi small Fred!" said a cheerful voice.
"Oddball! Curse you, you treacherous traitor!"
Whilst she was raging against Oddball, Flib was also trying to surreptitiously
work out where she was. Unfortunately, with her magic cancelled by the
cage, 'white room with no windows' was about as specific as she could
get, and not very helpful.
The five Big Pricks [what, you expected six
of them? Hohoho, subversive
] were sitting round a table
drinking tea, apart from Phil who had a milkshake. Jenenchilada assumed she was looking
at the tea, and offered her some.
"Hah! I wouldn't touch your filthy filth!" muttered Flib,
and sat down with her back to them.
"Isn't she going to ask where she is, and why she's here?"
asked the werewolf boy, disgruntled.
"Apparently not, Darling." D'Arcie replied, speaking as one
would to a mentally underdeveloped child.
"As if I can't guess," Flib muttered sarcastically, "this
is the Big Pricks HQ and you brought me here because I saw too much."
"No actually," said D'Arcie, sipping her tea gracefully.
"Well, we've had rather a lot of trouble with this WILL, as it's
taken to calling itself. Its very uncooperative."
"And of course there's our plan to Take over Faerie and use it
as a platform to conquer the entire multiverse."
"You'll never get away with it
bitch." The iron was
affecting Flibbage's ability to backchat, she wished Sprout was there.
"So we thought we'd kill two birds with one stone."
"Hang on," Flibbage was getting a nasty feeling of forebodance.
"This is one of our many secret bases, situated below starbucks.
Here we're safe from WILL's influence, and we've been quickly preparing
something to use against him."
"If you can't keep one A.I under control, how the hell are you
gonna control something better than it? I despair of you guys sometimes."
"Very easily," said D'Arcie with her usual blind narcissism,
and pressed a small red button next to the plate of custard creams.
A wall slid back revealing a gagged Bill Gates [minus
his cowboy hat][I still don't understand
why you made him a cowboy] feverishly tapping away at a huge
supercomputer. "There's always a link between the A.I and the original
DNA source." She narrowed her eyes at Flib. "Bill! Activate
Bill, terrified pressed another red button.
"Oh you didn't
You Folking idiots!" shouted Flib as
a beam of light shot out of the computer and formed into a hologram
HAVE THE BIG PRICKS REALLY BITTEN OFF MORE THAN THEY CAN CHEW AGAIN?
THERE'S A REASON FOR THEIR NAME YOU KNOW.
AS EVIL ORGANISATIONS WHO ARE ALWAYS ONE STEP AHEAD, THEY'RE ACTUALLY
FIND OUT NEXT TIME IN
for twisting the subplot and indeed plot into utter randomness yet again.
At least I didn't kill anyone horribly. ][I actually
think it was kind of predictable, you know, Big Evil<Bigger Evil<Absolute
Evil. Antichrist? Pah