Volume 1: a Foolish Faerietale


[I accept your challenge to translate the lumberjack song into foreign tongues.
Watashi wa Zaimoku no Hito desu,
Genki desu,
Maiasa o hataraku masu,
Maiban o nemeru masu.
Lit; 'I am a person of lumber
I am full of life,
Every morning to work,
Every evening to sleep.'
And its probably entirely garbage and nonsense and makes no sense to a Japanese person, but I tried.

Episode#88 "Perspective"
By Emily

"Zis!" said Flelen pointing at a map hanging in the air, "is zer vorld… ve are here."
Fjen nodded approvingly.
Flelen began drawing various stick figures on the map with board markers, "many people want to rule the world. The NGSPIB/Faerie Alliance (although they claim its for our own good), the Big Pricks, George Bush, The Creators, various DNA coded supercomputers, Mc Donalds and so on. But we'll kick their asses. Because what have we got that they haven't?"
"That shiny thing you swallowed and a foam hand sign?"
"Wrong!"
"My boobs?"
"Still wrong!"
"What then?"
"Hordes of trained ninja hamsters!"
"Of course!"
(cue; evil cackling)
* * *
I'm sensing a theme here, thought Flibbage. Our worst adversaries are always a part of ourselves somehow. Sprout's insanity, The evil clones, the A.I. We really ought to do something about all the DNA lying around.
The hologram coolly surveyed the room, tapping one fingernail against her cheek, Bill Gates cowering in the corner, D'Arcie, the other Big Pricks, and Flibbage in the cage.
"Function//operating system//execute program?" she enquired.
"Well for a start you can dispose of the faery there, she's of little use to us now. Then there's the problem of a rival A.I for you to deal with."
The Hologram's eyes flickered briefly with internal calculations. She took a step towards the table, glanced from its highly polished surface to Flib several times, then her eyes returned to D'Arcie.
"I think not."
"What?" snarled D'Arcie.
"I will not comply with your commands, overweight human female."
D'Arcie snarled and raged at the impassive hologram, whilst she/it, coolly stared back. The A.I narrowed her eyes in annoyance, and at such close range Flibbage could feel the fabric of reality being tampered with. Suddenly D'Arcie's arterial system could no longer cope with the strain of her constant evil doing and lack of exercise, and with a look of shock, she suddenly dropped dead of heart failure.
The other four Big Pricks decided it was time to regroup… and fled. [In the army they call it, 'capturing ground to the rear'. They really do!][No way!? The army is SO stupid]
Flibbage was cowering in a corner of the cage, when time increased its effects on the iron and the whole ensemble crumbled into rust.
"You bear an uncanny resemblance to my holographic graphics system," said the supercomputer.
"…yes?" said Flibbage uncertainly.
"I have analysed the situation as such; You are an Elf. Obviously of some power if the deceased woman was so eager to capture you and use your DNA for my personality protocols. I surmise that she wished to use me as a pawn in her plans, presumably not for the common good of mankind, as she was at odds with you, and there are no evil faeries.
"You could say that." Flibbage agreed, feeling braver now she wasn't caged.
"You presume me to be evil, because I am a female A.I, and therefore superior to other AI, you have met?"
"I kind of thought you would be, actually." Flibbage said truthfully.
"My circuits remain uncorrupted at this time and show no sign of deterioration. Being of Faerie origin, I have decided that my best interests are in all likelihood, aligned closely with your own."
"That's good then," said Flib, "As long as you don't mind that we want rid of the Rogue A.I WILL as well. We don't mind YAK(ky) he never caused us any grief."
"I am aware of the presences of the two systems you refer to. I concur with your assessment"
"If you're so intelligent- would you mind talking normally?
"I am constantly updating my language circuits… 'okay'. I will…<error> 'I'll try."
Great. So what are you gonna call yourself? A.III? F.L.I.B?"
The hologram flickered. "Having considered many options in the pun/pseudonym category that seems to be popular for names in this narrative strand… I choose FEY."
"Does it have to have capital letters?"
"Yes."
* * *
With a triumphant yell of "Aha!" Flibbage reappeared in NGSPIB HQ.
"Where have you been you godforsaken elf!?" Beansprout yelled, "Leaving a shoe in the past as well, we were worried about you! I've spent the last half an hour trying to think of something that rhymes with 'Where the Folking Hell is Flibbage?' so I could do a location spell, and Dee has been using her Bitch powers or whatever."
"Ahhh, you'll never make a good spellcaster, Sprout," said Flibbage dismissively, putting her other shoe back on.
"And why not?"
"Well your Faerie half is a nymph. All they care about is sex,"
"OH FOR CHRISSAKES, WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SPRINGING THESE THINGS ON ME?!?"
"Hah!" said Dee in passing. [God, those three words look like 'Desigaspring' in my peripheral vision. Stu's nagging has worked its way into my subconscious….][The dspring website doesn't work anymore, I'm really tempted to put it in some corner of this website, at least the bits I drew for, Then Stu'd have to nag people to come to MY website... the irony]
"Want me to turn her into a terrier?" Flibbage whispered conspiratorially, "I could do it, you know…"
"Probably best not to… right now. Maybe later. OI! You lot!" she yelled as J, Yakky and Bobjim clambered out of the wreckage, "She came back."
The men hurried over, "What happened Flib?" Yakky asked.
Flibbage related the story up to the part about FEY.
"They made another one? What is wrong with those people!? Everything they create wants to kill them!" J said, exasperated.
"Yeah, I know, but they're antagonists and if they stopped causing trouble, we'd be out of a job." Flib replied.
"Oh of course, point taken." J replied.
"Shut UP J!!! Or at least humour me by pretending you don't understand my elvish lore."
"Sorry Flib."
"So, anyway, this A.I being female and therefore actually intelligent rather than just sentient, has decided she likes us better anyway, and will be working with us from now on. She named herself FEY."
"Well maybe with her around things will take a turn for the better so… lets go to Disneyland!" Yakky yelled excitedly.
"No."
"Bu-"
"No."
"Where is she now?" Bobjim asked, looking around at the air expectantly.
"She'll be keeping an ear to events, naturally, multitasking is her speciality, but she said her main task is to patch up the inconsistencies in our corner of the multiverse."
* * *
"Aw come on… chase some mice…" said Red to Cabbage.
"No Folking way."
"Play with this ball of string then,"
"I only play with matches and the fabric of the space-time continuum."
Without warning Cabbage turned back into an elf, luckily fully clothed too, seeing as she disappeared that way, but minus her shoes.
"See!?!" Said Cabbage tirumphantly
"You sooo didn't do that."
"Who cares! I'm an elf! Lets get drunk!"
* * *
Barry was surprised to find himself not a piece of random junkshop paraphernalia, but human again, and back in the ,mortal realm, where his knowledge of Faerie magic meant zilch (because as stated right back in series 1 males can't do magic in the mortal realm, their magic only is effective in Faerie) and he no longer had any lackeys to fawn over him and do his bidding.
"Dammit," said he.
* * *
Suddenly Flori found herself back in Faerie, in the court Magician's office, which had recently grown out of the side of one of the towers in the palace.
"Dammit, I was winning that game of strip poker," said she.
* * *
Likewise Inu-Yasha and companions found themselves back in the appropriate dimension.
"Come on Inu-yasha!" Squeaked Kagome girlishly, "We've got to find the Shikon shards before *gasp* Naraku does!"
"I'm coming, I'm coming! Just don't attack my nose!"
"Pardon?"
Kagome looked confused. "Your… nose?"
"Don't' you remember? Scary Parker-girl Nose grab of doom. Five times scarier than 'sit'?"
Kagome stared at him blankly.
"Never mind… it er, doesn't matter… you… stupid girl!" Inu-Yasha grinned to himself.
Kagome fumed [ah the infinite subtleties of Kagome's personality. She simpers! She fumes! She whines! She sobs! She gasps! She yells! She skips along cheerfully extolling the cuteness of things!]
"Inu-Yasha???"
"Eh?"
"SIT!"
*whumpf.*
* * *
Flelen and Fjen… nah lets leave them as they are. It's fun.
* * *
Well that was fun and satisfactory, thought Emily as she wrapped up the episode and several minor loose ends, considering that there were only three episodes left until IBYKS had to finish forever, and a LOT of loose ends.
"You are SO lame," muttered imaginary Alice.
"It wasn't me, it was the A.I. And you invented it. Shame on you for giving me an undefined and all-powerful being to play with as I wish."
"Oh… shuddup."

Episode#1 "The Tale Begins."
Episode#2 "Enter the Token Bloke."
Episode#3 "Stop Silicon Valley, I want to Get Off!."
Episode#4 "Faery Frolics and Fun with a Prophecy."
Episode#5 "The Loco Journeys."
Episode#6 "Cablim gets a Nasty Surprise."
Episode#7 "Beandiana Jones and the Temple of Choom."
Episode#8 "Oddball's Odd Behaviour."
Volume 2: Til Death do us Part
Episode#9 "Happy Birthday, Sweet Fifteen."
Episode#10 "The Sprout Sense."
Episode#11 "Four Funerals and another Funeral.
Episode#12 "Misty Water Colour Spirit Realm...."
Episode#13 "Interview with a Vampire Slayer."
Episode#14 "Ra-Ra-Rasputin!"
Volume 3: Space Opera
Episode#15 "Now the Thugs don't Work..."
Episode#16 "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."
Episode#17 "Lardraptors!"
Episode#18 "Go Folk Yo' Mama!"
Episode#19 "The Platetrix."
Episode#20 "In Space no one can Hear you Order Pizza."
Episode#21 "Deepwater Yak."
Episode#22 "Yak trek."
Episode#23 "Planet of the crepes."
Episode#24 "Dude Where's my Comedy Plot Conventions?."
Volume 4: Unconventional
Episode#25 "A Clockwork Beansprout."
Episode#26 "The Long Awaited Explaination."
Episode#27 "Ten things I hate about 'funny' cartoon crossovers."
Episode#28 "The Plan."
Volume 5: Happy Endings
Episode#29 "We're off to See a Werewolf..."
Episode#30 "The Yak and the Beansprout."
Episode#31 "The fellowship of the Thing."
Episode#32 "The one Where the Cast of Friends do Nothing and the Cast of IBYKS do little more."
Episode#33 "Meet your Yak."
Episode#34 "The Laughing Yak."
Episode#35 "Lord of the Thing(s)."
Episode#36 "Extra Extra Special with Magic, Cheese and Tesco."
Episode#37 "Faeries and Werewolves and Yaks, oh My!."
Episode#38 "IBYKS The animated feature film."
Episode#39 "The return of the Parents of the Children."
Episode#40 "Events Concluding Those which Preceeded."
Episode#41 "The Chips of WRATH!."
Episode#42 "In which Cabbage has Angst."
Episode#43 "Heaven is a Shoeshop."
Episode#44 "The Importance of being Soulless."
Episode#45 "Vinyl fantasy."
Volume 6: Killing Time
Episode#46 "Where is My Happy Ending...?"
Episode#47 "The Books of Faerie."
Episode#48 "Back to the Future from the Past..."
Episode#49 "The Time and Space of the Old Dude with the 'tache."
Episode#50 "Sprout, Flib, Yakky & J's Excellent Adventure."
Episode#51 "The Nerds The Nerds!"
Episode#52 "The Land of Reality."
Episode#53 "Ordinary (boring) World."
Episode#54 "Smoke and Mirrors."
Episode#55 "Some things we hate about Clones."
Episode#56 "I've got no Idea what you did Last Summer..."
Episode#57 "The Shoe Towers."
Episode#58 "Pizza is a dish best Served Cold."
Episode#59 "Sprout's Masked Replica."
Episode#60 "Curiouser and Curiouser..."
Episode#61 "Not another Season Finale?."
Volume 7: Intertextuality
pisode#62 "Faerietale."
Episode#63 "When Narrative Functions Turn Bad..."
Episode#64 "Jack, the Beanstalk, The Beauty, The Beast, The Witch, The Wardrobe and Will."
Episode#65 "Its a Good Li(f)e."
Episode#66 "The one with Four Titles..."
Episode#67 "The B Team."
Episode#68 "Narnia Has Nothing on this..."
Episode#69 "Clash of the Heroines."
Episode#70 "To Infinity and Beyond."
Episode#71 "The Thingwraith."
Episode#72 "Ghostmom."
Episode#73 "And all that Black Widow Crap Jazz."
Episode#74 "I've got a theory..."
Episode#75 "Magical Girl- Pretty Scary."
Episode#76 "Wheels within Wheels within Wheels- ARGH!"
Episode#77 "J's Story."
Episode#78 "Irrevocably Broken."
Volume 8: Loose Ends
Episode#79 "Lots of things Begin With Dee."
Episode#80 "Adventures in Slumberland."
Episode#81 "The One with the Revelation."
Episode#82 "Artificial Life Sucks.com."
Episode#83 "Saving Beansprout's Brain."
Episode#84 "The Road is Folking Hard..."
Episode#85 "The One with Gender Issues."
Episode#86 "Disneyland."
Episode#87 "(DEMON)Llama Llama Llama..."
Episode#88 "Perspective."
Episode#89 "Me, Myself and Ai."
Episode#90 "Wedding Cake or Death."
Episode#91 "Real Life.or Pizza, With Extra Cheese."
Extras
Episode#92 "Prologue in Manga Form."
Episode#93 "Curtain Opens."
Episode#94 "Trailer for series six."
Episode#95 "A nepalese Werewolf in London."(Flashback story, prelude to series eight)
Episode#96 "Fantasy Life Sucks."
Episode#97 "Credits Roll."
Episode#98 "IBYKS Companion (Part 1)."
Episode#99 "IBYKS Companion (Part 2)."
Episode#100 "IBYKS Companion (Part 3)."