Volume 1: a Foolish Faerietale
BREAK OUT THE TISSUES AND HOLD ONTO YOUR SEATS- HERE IT IS
INUBUYAKASHA #91 -THE LAST EPISODE
"Real Life." By Ally

[Or, as I have named it in my mind, "Pizza, -with extra cheese."]


"Does the word 'privacy' mean nothing to you?" Yakky snapped.
WILL raised his eyebrows. "As an abstract concept, yes. As an omnipresent supercomputer, no."
"Screw you," Yakky glanced at Beansprout, sure she would be ready with some kind of killer one-liner.
She wasn't, she was looking around, then looking at her watch.
"Sprout," Yakky hissed, "Not to distract you from the scenery, but this guy is trying to kill us…"
"Kill you?" WILL chuckled, "Oh, Yakky, why do you just assume that every megalomaniac world-dominating force is out to kill you?"
"Umm… Experience?"
"Rest assured," said the A.I, "I need you two alive for a little while longer."
"Why?" asked Beansprout.
"…shouldn't you be kicking his ass right now?" Yakky hissed.
"…stalling for time. Gotta wait for the others," Sprout whispered back out of the corner of her mouth.
"As if I'd tell you," WILL scoffed, the paused with a smile, "actually, it'll mess with your minds, so why not? I have a long-term restructuring program running, but I need the right tools. I thought Beansprout's capacity for wreaking chaos and destruction would be ideal, but you're too unstable, too unpredictable, there's no logic in you- unless this quality is tempered by a calmer, less volatile nature-"
In a burst of binary FEY appeared, closely followed by Flibbage, Bobjim Dee and J (on foot).
"About Folking time!" Beansprout shouted, and elbowed her way over to Bobjim.
"Hah!" Said Yakky, "You are so going to die now."
WILL laughed, "I think not."
"But- FEY…"
"FEY can't delete me," said WILL, and glanced at the other A.I, "Can you FEY?"
FEY shook her head "There' no inconsistency in his creation, I can't delete or kill him without finding his physical hard drive.
"Can't you just override his actions?" asked J.
"The universe can only cope with so many contradictions and alterations. I can't continue negating things indefinitely, it would result in chaos."
"Haha!" WILL exclaimed triumphantly, "See!? There's nothing you can do!"
"The Folk there isn't." There was a click of a safety catch being released and Beansprout levelled the crossbow at WILL.
"Like I said," FEY said, "I can't kill you."
WILL laughed again.
"That's the best you can do?" he said, "I'm non-corporeal, girl! Its like trying to shoot a shadow!"
Beansprout didn't smile.
"I know that," she said quietly, then swung her arm round to aim at J. "Like she said, I can't kill you."
// * * *//
"I knew you'd try something like this, you crazy bitch!" said J, pulled out a gun, and squeezed the trigger-
//ABORTING PROGRAMME//
"You'll have to do better than that, WILL," said FEY. "No inconsistencies, remember? You can't just hijack the plot without knowing the characters."
//* * *//
J stared at the crossbow, looking utterly bewildered.
"But… Beansprout…why?"
"It's for the greater good, J," said Beansprout. "I'm so sorry."
She shut her eyes and began to squeeze the trigger…
…and then threw the crossbow to the ground.
"I can't do it! I can't Folking-"
//ABORTING PROGRAM//
"You're kidding me FEY,"
Fey shook her head. That's J down to a T, but Beansprout would never hesitate to shoot someone these days."
"You can't override me forever FEY, you don't want this precious little world to come apart at the seams, do you?"
"Neither do you," FEY replied, "so you'd better get it right this time, hadn't you?"
//* * *//
"I knew it, I knew you'd try something like this, you crazy bitch!" before Beansprout could blink, Dee, snarling and pale with rage, had thrown herself in front of J.
"Dee?" J exclaimed
"If you want to shoot him, you'll have to go through me first!"
"And that's meant to deter me how?" Beansprout asked.
WILL grinned smugly at FEY, "Consistent enough for you?"
"Absolutely, " said FEY. "Thank you."
//* * *//
WILL frowned. "What?"
"Dee, get out of her way," J said quietly.
"No!"
"Get out of the way!"
"I won't let her kill you!"
"How is standing in the way going to help? You made her hate you!"
"By all means, stand in the way," said Beansprout, finger on the trigger.
"MOVE!" J roared, and knocked Dee to the ground.
There was a sudden silence, then WILL's hologram began to buzz. WILL winced as if he'd been slapped.
"What-"
"FEY told me and Sprout some information about A.Is before we got here," said Flibbage.
"There are three ways to destroy them," Beansprout continued matter-of-factly, clicking the safety catch back on the crossbow. "Destroy the physical component- the CPU unit, kill the person they were created from …"[the more observant of you might like to ask that if all the main cast have been dead once already, so why weren't the A.I's YAK(ky) and WILL killed then? Easy. The A.I's for Deepwater YAK were created after their deaths at the hands of Buffy, and existed in a time paradox which allowed YAK(ky) to go back in time and meet the cast, because Deepwater YAK was a time travelling ship. But were they to die again this would destroy the A.I's as it would no longer be a paradox event. Those of you who are thinking that our main cast are possessed clones of themselves and therefore not the originals, and wondering why the A.I's weren't killed when the evil clones were- should go knock themselves out with a broom…]
"…Or bring the linked person into a point of direct conflict with the A.I" said Flibbage, "okay so J isn't particularly desperate to rule the world, but he is leader of the NGSPIB, and before he had therapy, he was just as crazy as you."
"But J would never hurt a friend in order to save his own life." Beansprout finished, "You would. Point of direct conflict. Like giving two opposite commands to a computer."
WILL looked down at his hands, which were disappearing like flesh in acid.[Euw Ally, why?]
"File corruption," said FEY, "It'd take the intelligence of an A.I to reboot your systems. You pissed YAK(ky) off a long time ago, and frankly, I'm not going to help either."
"No!" WILL shouted, as he began to disintegrate in spatters of mangled code. "You tricked me! You-"
The corruption spread upwards, eating through his face, towards the place where a human's brain should be.
"Oh, I should probably mention-" said FEY.
There was a very big, very loud explosion.
* * *
The CNN reporter turned gravely to face the camera.
"We're at the scene now, where a short while ago, that icon of our nation, our second capital, Disneyland, was almost totally destroyed after a large-scale, unexplained explosion. The spokesperson for the Democrats has urged us not to leap to conclusions, (*cough cough* TYPICAL *cough*), but our beloved President has issued a statement saying this was almost certainly the result of terrorist action. Whilst the spineless Democrats are still sifting through the 'facts', Bush (Glory to his name) has declared war against all countries without a Disneyland, because, hell, it could have been any of them."
"Once again, there was a massive explosion at Disneyland earlier today, rescue teams are as yet unable to gain access to search for survivors."
* * *
Yakky came to, to find someone slapping him repeatedly round the face.
"Beansprout! Thank God!" he exclaimed, and hugged her.
"Down boy. It's me." Said Dee through the smoke, and pushed him away.
"Oh. Well, I'm glad you're alive too…"
"Shut up. I need your help." Dee stood up and strode away. Shakily, Yakky followed, bones popping as he limped along. There was a hell of a lot more rubble than he remembered.
"Where's Beansprout?"
"I don't know," Dee stopped by a pile of girders that had once held up a rollercoaster.
"But-"
"I Don't know okay!! Probably under some rubble somewhere! I can't smell properly with all this smoke! All I know is I've been digging for a hour, and I've only found you and J!"
Yakky blinked. J was lying unconscious at Dee's feet. His right arm was trapped under a girder.
"I couldn't lift it on my own," she said quietly.
"Okay," said Yakky, "but then you have to help me find Sprout."
* * *
When Beansprout found herself floating along a long, dark, tunnel towards a beautiful, bright light, she was not pleased.
"Oh No," she said, and dug her heels in as best she could.
Move into the light my child, said a voice.
"Folk you! Been there, done that!"
Excuse me…?
"I'm not going in there! I know you were on holiday last time I visited, but I'm still not ready to go back!"
I think you're missing the point…
"If you don't send me back right now, I'll- I'll open a strip club!"
We already have one.
"What?"
But before the voice could answer Beansprout felt herself spiralling away from the light, into the darkness and an immense amount of pain.
* * *
"Beansprout? BEANSPROUT!" Yakky shouted, as he clawed through the heaps of rubble.
"J needs an ambulance, you know," muttered Dee, digging rather half-heartedly alongside him.
"Beansprout's gonna need an UNDERTAKER if we don't find her soon."
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you so very much," said Flibbage as she and FEY appeared.
"Flibbage? Where the hell have you been?"
"FEY pulled us out of the explosion using an intertextual link. A very well-planned one, I might add." Flib said, and wiped the last trace of Smurf off her shoe.
"I was merely safeguarding my existence."
"Quiet you," Flib looked around. "Oh God is J-"
"Unconscious," said Dee.
"Shit."
"Um… much as I hate to ask you anything… but hell, he's your friend, it's like your duty…"
"Heal him?" Flib went over, looked at J's crushed arm, and slowly shook her head.
"What?"
"Whatever did this was steel, not much I can do about it, too much iron."
Dee's expression went from pleading to furious in a flash, "Why you useless, bug-winged-"
"BEANSPROUT!" Yakky cried, trowing a sheet of corrugated iron to one side. Beansprout lay underneath, pale and still.
"Oh shit, Beansprout!" he sobbed, shaking her by the shoulders, "Beansprout, you can't die on me now…"
"CPR ignoramus!" Flibbage called, from where she was tying a tourniquet round the top of J's arm.
Yakky didn't hear her. He cradled Beansprout in his arms and rocked back and forth, whimpering to himself.
"Yakky?"
"…Oh God, I can still hear her voice…"
"Yakky I can't Folking breathe!"
Startled, Yakky held Beansprout our at arms length and found himself looking into a familiar irritated face.
"You're alive!"
"No shit."
"Aah," said Flibbage, and nudged Dee. "Come on, better give them some privacy."
"Why? They're just shouting at each other like usu- oh. Euw!"
The two girls turned away, to see another pile of rubble shifting. Bobjim sat up, and grinned in his usual, cheerful, indestructible way.
"Dudes!" he called.
"Hi Bobjim…" chorused Dee and Flibbage wearily.
"So guys. Pizza?" Beansprout said as Yakky helped her to her feet.
"J needs a doctor!"
There was a bleary moan from J. "Pizza? Pizza is cool…"
"Pizza it is," said Beansprout with a smile. "Besides, I don't think we ought to be here when the Americans work out it was us blew this place up."
* * *
A week later… in Pizza Express (Now that's Pizza)
"Wedding! Weeedding! They're getting married!!!" squeaked Flibbage over her slice of pizza.
"Yeah, but- why?" asked Dee sceptically.
Yakky smiled, although this was hardly unusual, as he'd been looking vaguely stoned all week. "I guess when you've been through so much together,there's not really much else you can do."
"Yeah and I'm pregnant," said Beansprout.
Yakky choked on his pizza.
Beansprout laughed "I'm just messing with you, for Folk's sake!"
"Really, really not funny…"
"Its weird," said J, "Yakky and Beansprout are getting married, Bobjim's going to Nepal…"
"You've got no right arm…"
"Yeah, not quite the positive note I was going for, Yakky."
"No wonder FEY wanted us to take that picture as soon as we got to Disneyland, I bet she had the whole thing planned from the start," said Flibbage, "Dramatic impact."
"Where is she now?" J asked.
"She said she was going to police the plot of this universe from now on. Try and keep the worst of the intertextuality out, nip any end-of-the-world scenarios in the bud."
"You mean…" Yakky said slowly.
"Yeah."
"The Democrats will win in 2008?"
"Probably," said Beansprout, "But I was thinking more along the lines of this is it. No more heroics, we can get on with our lives."
They looked at each other.

"Shit," said J.
"Treat it as an opportunity," said Flib and snapped her fingers. "Garcon, more pizza!"
"We're closing," said the waiter. Flibbage snapped her fingers again, and turned him into a goose.
"What are we going to do?" Dee asked.
"Hell, we'll have our share of blood, sweat and tears," said Sprout, "we've got a wedding to plan."
"Then what?"
"…I dunno." Beansprout shrugged, and leaned back in her chair, "I think I'll be a bit more laid-back, try not to be so full of rage all the time."
"*cough cough* yeah right."
"What was that Flib?"
"Oh nothing,"
"Well I'm going to build me a robot arm," J said cheerfully and reached for the last slice of pizza at the exact moment Dee did. Their fingers brushed. Instantly they pulled their hands away and stared in opposite directions.
The others looked at each other and sighed.
"Look," said Flib, "Its' not really worth the hassle."
"I don't know what you mean," J said quickly.
"Uh, the pissing around," said Beansprout.
"Seriously," Flib carried on, "you could just talk to one another and be mature and honest…"
"Feh," muttered Dee.
"…Or you could be exactly like Beansprout."
Flibbage paused to let this sink in. then she, Beansprout and Yakky stood up.
"See you at the wedding," Yakky called cheerfully as they left. The three of them wandered out of Pizza Express and started along the road. The sun was beginning to set. Beansprout and Yakky took each others hands and Flibbage reverted to tiny form to flutter along beside them. [obviously because her feet were tired]
"Normal life," Beansprout mused. "How weird is that going to feel?"
"Not as weird as it will be for your poor neighbours."
An onlooker would see a tall silhouette clonking a much smaller one round the head.
"Laid back, my green ass…"
"Shut up."
"Anyway," said Flib, as the sunset threatened to engulf them, "Some would say, that to live would be an awfully big adventure…"
"Those people," Beansprout replied, "would be in need of a good slap."

And the Plot moved on.
THE END


Well done! You've finished InubuYAKASHA! If you're eyes haven't melted, you can claim a prize! For a special piece of art to display with pride email emilybrady(at)footloosecomic(dot)com... answer a simple question to prove you've read it and i'll send you this!

Episode#1 "The Tale Begins."
Episode#2 "Enter the Token Bloke."
Episode#3 "Stop Silicon Valley, I want to Get Off!."
Episode#4 "Faery Frolics and Fun with a Prophecy."
Episode#5 "The Loco Journeys."
Episode#6 "Cablim gets a Nasty Surprise."
Episode#7 "Beandiana Jones and the Temple of Choom."
Episode#8 "Oddball's Odd Behaviour."
Volume 2: Til Death do us Part
Episode#9 "Happy Birthday, Sweet Fifteen."
Episode#10 "The Sprout Sense."
Episode#11 "Four Funerals and another Funeral.
Episode#12 "Misty Water Colour Spirit Realm...."
Episode#13 "Interview with a Vampire Slayer."
Episode#14 "Ra-Ra-Rasputin!"
Volume 3: Space Opera
Episode#15 "Now the Thugs don't Work..."
Episode#16 "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."
Episode#17 "Lardraptors!"
Episode#18 "Go Folk Yo' Mama!"
Episode#19 "The Platetrix."
Episode#20 "In Space no one can Hear you Order Pizza."
Episode#21 "Deepwater Yak."
Episode#22 "Yak trek."
Episode#23 "Planet of the crepes."
Episode#24 "Dude Where's my Comedy Plot Conventions?."
Volume 4: Unconventional
Episode#25 "A Clockwork Beansprout."
Episode#26 "The Long Awaited Explaination."
Episode#27 "Ten things I hate about 'funny' cartoon crossovers."
Episode#28 "The Plan."
Volume 5: Happy Endings
Episode#29 "We're off to See a Werewolf..."
Episode#30 "The Yak and the Beansprout."
Episode#31 "The fellowship of the Thing."
Episode#32 "The one Where the Cast of Friends do Nothing and the Cast of IBYKS do little more."
Episode#33 "Meet your Yak."
Episode#34 "The Laughing Yak."
Episode#35 "Lord of the Thing(s)."
Episode#36 "Extra Extra Special with Magic, Cheese and Tesco."
Episode#37 "Faeries and Werewolves and Yaks, oh My!."
Episode#38 "IBYKS The animated feature film."
Episode#39 "The return of the Parents of the Children."
Episode#40 "Events Concluding Those which Preceeded."
Episode#41 "The Chips of WRATH!."
Episode#42 "In which Cabbage has Angst."
Episode#43 "Heaven is a Shoeshop."
Episode#44 "The Importance of being Soulless."
Episode#45 "Vinyl fantasy."
Volume 6: Killing Time
Episode#46 "Where is My Happy Ending...?"
Episode#47 "The Books of Faerie."
Episode#48 "Back to the Future from the Past..."
Episode#49 "The Time and Space of the Old Dude with the 'tache."
Episode#50 "Sprout, Flib, Yakky & J's Excellent Adventure."
Episode#51 "The Nerds The Nerds!"
Episode#52 "The Land of Reality."
Episode#53 "Ordinary (boring) World."
Episode#54 "Smoke and Mirrors."
Episode#55 "Some things we hate about Clones."
Episode#56 "I've got no Idea what you did Last Summer..."
Episode#57 "The Shoe Towers."
Episode#58 "Pizza is a dish best Served Cold."
Episode#59 "Sprout's Masked Replica."
Episode#60 "Curiouser and Curiouser..."
Episode#61 "Not another Season Finale?."
Volume 7: Intertextuality
pisode#62 "Faerietale."
Episode#63 "When Narrative Functions Turn Bad..."
Episode#64 "Jack, the Beanstalk, The Beauty, The Beast, The Witch, The Wardrobe and Will."
Episode#65 "Its a Good Li(f)e."
Episode#66 "The one with Four Titles..."
Episode#67 "The B Team."
Episode#68 "Narnia Has Nothing on this..."
Episode#69 "Clash of the Heroines."
Episode#70 "To Infinity and Beyond."
Episode#71 "The Thingwraith."
Episode#72 "Ghostmom."
Episode#73 "And all that Black Widow Crap Jazz."
Episode#74 "I've got a theory..."
Episode#75 "Magical Girl- Pretty Scary."
Episode#76 "Wheels within Wheels within Wheels- ARGH!"
Episode#77 "J's Story."
Episode#78 "Irrevocably Broken."
Volume 8: Loose Ends
Episode#79 "Lots of things Begin With Dee."
Episode#80 "Adventures in Slumberland."
Episode#81 "The One with the Revelation."
Episode#82 "Artificial Life Sucks.com."
Episode#83 "Saving Beansprout's Brain."
Episode#84 "The Road is Folking Hard..."
Episode#85 "The One with Gender Issues."
Episode#86 "Disneyland."
Episode#87 "(DEMON)Llama Llama Llama..."
Episode#88 "Perspective."
Episode#89 "Me, Myself and Ai."
Episode#90 "Wedding Cake or Death."
Episode#91 "Real Life.or Pizza, With Extra Cheese."
Extras
Episode#92 "Prologue in Manga Form."
Episode#93 "Curtain Opens."
Episode#94 "Trailer for series six."
Episode#95 "A nepalese Werewolf in London."(Flashback story, prelude to series eight)
Episode#96 "Fantasy Life Sucks."
Episode#97 "Credits Roll."
Episode#98 "IBYKS Companion (Part 1)."
Episode#99 "IBYKS Companion (Part 2)."
Episode#100 "IBYKS Companion (Part 3)."