Cast Files

Prada-Sensei: Staff Record

Qualifications:

5th Dan in Kung Shoe. Qualified from the Emerald City Dojo.

Experience:

As well as teaching at her home dojo as part of her final training, Prada has spent several years working as a bodyguard and one rather regrettable summer as a troll hunter before being headhunted for the Dojo by H.R.H. Flibbage.

Psychological Profile:

Prada is the only teacher at the dojo who I chose for her skill; the others are there purely because they are too stupid and/or dangerous to have running loose in Faerie. She is an excellent teacher, although many students seem to find her a little aloof and intimidating.

Claudia: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Claudia Nichols.

Age:

16.

D. O. B:

12th January.

Species:

Human.

Place of Birth:

London.

Next of Kin (to be contacted in case of accident):

Chris Nichols (Father).

School:

Kung Shoe.

Reasons for Joining:

I was spotted by one of Princess Flibbage's scouts after knocking out one of my team-mates at a school rounders match. They offered me a place at the dojo, and I thought - hell, it beats school.

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Claudia provides some much-needed stability in the Kung Shoe group. Faerie hasn't phased her at all - she's still as down-to-earth as she was in the mortal realm, and, along with Phneighly, provides a counterpoint to less sane classmates, like Liame and Jin.

Teacher's Comments:

Claudia may not have grown up in Faerie, but she has adapted wonderfully, and is by far my most competent Kung Shoe student.

End-of-year report

*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

CLAUDIA NICHOLS

Claudia demonstrated excellent leadership in the quest to the Emerald City - clearly her extra lessons have been paying off. Hopefully next year will work out just as well for her.

STUDENT COMMENTS

No offense but I'm hoping for this to be my final year here at the dojo. I've learned nearly everything I can, and I want to get back to England. I learned a lot about being a team leader on our mission- it's much harder than it is in theory.

Jin West: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Jin L. WestFull name, stupid... Shut up! If your mum gave you a stupid name like Luna you wouldn't shout about it either!My mum is your mum, and she did.

Age:

16 17.

D.O.B:

1^st October.

Species:

Half-werewolf half-human.

Place of Birth:

St. Artemis' Hospital, London.

Next of Kin (to be contacted in case of accident):

Dee West.

School:

Kung Shoe, the best school in the school! Idiot. BITE ME!

Reasons for Joining:

Because we got picked for the Exchangeling Programme. And anyway, it's nice to go to a school where no-one cares if you've got pointy ears.

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Jin is the kind of person who skips merrily down the road of life, picking the flowers and chasing the butterflies along the way and usually waltzing straight over the potholes. When they do trip her up, it can come as something of a shock.

Anyway, enough of the metaphors. Jin is the sweetest person I have ever met, which can be a little scary at first, although not as scary as she is when she's pushed. You'd think she wouldn't have a nasty bone in her body, but she had to inherit something from her mother.

Teacher's Comments:

Jin is one of the most gifted students I have ever had the privilege to teach, even amongst werewolves, who usually have quite an affinity with shoes. She will go far.

End-of-year report

*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

JIN WEST

Prada-sensei has often told me that Jin is prone to distraction. Luckily, she's getting better, and managed not to get too sidetracked until she got back from the mission against the pirates.

STUDENT COMMENTS

This year has been the best year ever!!! I made a new friend, and I got to go on quests and Daniel wasn't so grouchy all the time and lots of horrible things happened to Sparkle! ALL the wishes from my birthday cake came true- I told you I had magic twin-powers!!

Sylphia: Permanent Record

(Filled out by Flibbage, as Sylphia's first attempt was so full of her ramblings as to be unintelligible)

Full Name:

Sylphia Vayu

Age:

Mentally, about 500 - both in wisdom and senility.

D.O.B:

1st April

Species

: Air Sprite

Place of Birth:

The backwaters of Faerie

Next of Kin:

None specified. It's entirely possible that Sylphia has forgotten she has any relatives.

School:

Kung Shoe

Reasons for Joining:

Beyond the knowledge of mortals (and immortals, for that matter)

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Sylphia would be a fearsome warrior if she had any kind of grasp on reality. As things are, I can never decide if her presence in the dojo is a blessing or a curse…

Teacher's Comments:

Rather a strange girl, but she dresses fabulously.

End-of-year report *MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

SYLPHIA VAYU

Who knows what to make of Sylphia? The events in the Emerald City have taken their toll on every other member of the group, but she seems completely unaffected. Maybe it's because she's older and wiser than most of the other students, or maybe it's just because she's... well, Sylphia.

STUDENT COMMENTS

Well, that was entertaining!

Phneighly: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Phneighly Aoire.

Age:

175. (look, we're practically immortal and ageless, wouldn't you think some of us faeries would decide to learn a second skill after a while?)

D.O.B:

27th February.

Species:

Elf.

Place of Birth:

Middle Earth.

School:

Kung Shoe.

Reasons for Joining:

Everyone who handles dangerous animals needs some kind of self-defence training, and Kung Shoe is the best there is.

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Phneighly, like Claudia, keeps the group's feet firmly on the ground. She's an experienced animal trainer, extremely sharp, and takes no crap from anyone.

Teacher's Comments:

Phneighly has progressed well this year, and will soon have the qualifications necessary for her job.

End-of-year report *MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

PHNEIGHLY AOIRE

Phneighly's nearing graduation - she only has to complete her studies on manticores, griffins and kelpies. She's already been offered a place taking care of Mother's menagerie.

STUDENT COMMENTS

I think being around all these teenagers is driving me mad! All that melodrama all the time!

Ari: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Ari Cardail.

Age:

16.

D. O. B:

4^th January.

Species:

Pixie.

Place of Birth:

Tintagel.

Next of Kin (to be contacted in case of accident):

Sean Cardail (Father).

 School:

Kung Shoe.

Reasons for Joining:

I shouldn't really say... well, my dad knows Princess Flibbage from years back, and CENSORED by H.R.H. Flibbage. This girl knows FAR too much ...

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Some people say an enquiring mind is a good thing in a young person. I would LOVE to introduce these people to Ari. She's by no means a malicious gossip, more a 'mobiliser of information'... Sadly, this information is often mobilised into the hearing of people who should never be informed of anything, like students.

Teacher's Comments:

Ari is a charming, talented young woman to whom I will be giving the highest grades this year. I particularly admire her ability to keep her mouth shut about things.

End-of-year report

*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

ARI CARDAIL

Ari's doing very well. I can't say more than that. The girl still has far too much dirt on me.

STUDENT COMMENTS

My lips are sealed, well if you insist-

Liame: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Liame Linton.

Age:

16.

D.O.B:

11th October.

Reasons for Joining:

So I can be a bodyguard just like my Mum! Oh, and there was something about, like, keeping my violent urges under control because I'm half-human? I wasn't listening...

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Liame is a sweet girl, but really quite mad. She's one of those people who it's better to have on your side, just because of how unintentionally deadly she can be.

Teacher's Comments:

Liame's Kung Shoe would improve marvellously if she would just stop biting.

End-of-year report

   *MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

LIAME LINTON

Liame has stopped biting people quite so often. Unfortunately, she's taken to shin-kicking instead.

STUDENT COMMENTS

IT'S SUPER-EFFECTIVE!!!

Keti Jones: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Keti Jones. Other kids cry when they don't get Barbies - I didn't even get a frikkin' middle name.

Age:

17.

D. O. B:

28^th July.

Species:

*deep breath* One-quarter nymph, one-quarter werewolf, half-human. Hooray for the big multidimensional melting pot...

Place of Birth:

The Mortal Realm. Oxford , if you want to be specific. Blackbird Leys, just after Mum had stolen back our hubcaps, if you want to be really specific.

Next of Kin (to be contacted in case of accident):

You're not doing much to reassure me, you know that? Yakky Jones.

School:

Kung Shoe. God help us all.

Reasons for Joining:

Because my fake Aunty made me? I don't have any reasons of my own. Aunty Flib decided I was a pathetic excuse for a heroine, and Mum agreed, so they brought me here. It seems OK so far, and hell, I'm not missing suburbia.

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Keti seems to have inherited her father's easygoing nature and occasional cluelessness, and her mother's innate intelligence. Luckily, there are no signs as yet of the psychotic episodes that go with it.

She gets on with most of the other students, and is settling in fairly well at the dojo.

Personally, I think that any child of Beansprout and Yakky's is doing well if they make it through puberty without needing therapy. Keti is living proof that small miracles can happen.

Teacher's Comments:

She may have the right build, but, frankly, Keti is not a natural. Time and perseverance could make her a competent student of Kung Shoe, but really, darling, I won't hold my breath.

End-of-year report

*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

KETI JONES

Keti's first year at the dojo has been just as eventful as I'd expected. Her combat skills have improved greatly - under certain circumstances. She finds teamwork a little difficult, particularly in stressful situations. While she still suffers from a bad case of Primary Protagonist Syndrome, her Multiple-Genre Induced Sanity Dysfunction is coming under control nicely.

STUDENT COMMENTS

This is gonna sound silly in retrospect, but maybe I should have listened to my mum about the murderous rampages...

Lars Kovak: Staff Record

Qualifications:

Lars has spent several years as a bounty hunter and even more as a plain old normal hunter. I can confirm that he does use antlers in all of his decorating, but I remain unconvinced that he is roughly the size of a barge.

Experience:

Contrary to what you might expect, Lars has actually killed a few things that are fairly difficult to kill. Some of them even deserved it. Sadly, his pigheadedness and chauvinism constantly overrides his actual usefulness.

Psychological Profile:

I'm sure Lars would have caused me many more problems even if I hadn't employed him. Even so, his style of teaching is wearing a bit thin, and I'm on the lookout for a replacement.

An Cailinbaire: Permanent Record

Full Name:

An Morgan Cailinbaire.

Age:

18.

D.O.B:

10^th February.

Species:

Elvish.

Place of Birth:

The Emerald City.

Next of Kin (to be contacted in case of accident):

N/A.

School:

Indiscriminate Whacking.

Reasons for Joining:

An has given me adequate reasons for joining. No permanent note needs to be made.

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

I hope that joining the dojo will give An a fresh start. I have decided to wait until the end of the one-year probationary period before writing a full psychological profile.

Teacher's Comments:

An is the best student I have - maybe even the best student I've ever had. His skill with the sword is breathtaking, and he clubs like an angel. Whatever doubts I had about him have been firmly laid to rest.

End-of-year report

*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

AN CAILINBAIRE

An really seems to have turned things around this year. Dealing with her old problems and making new friends has made her much happier, and her combat skills are excellent as always.

STUDENT COMMENTS

I'm just happy I'm not spending 90% of my day telling lies anymore, it's a lot simpler.

Daniel West: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Daniel Lupus West. Old werewolf name. Mum's way of punishing me for the breach birth.

Age:

17. And guess what? I'm the older twin. Shocking.

D.O.B:

1^st October.

Species:

Half-werewolf, half-human.

Place of Birth:

This is pointless. Just read Jin's, save yourself ten seconds.

Next of Kin (to be contacted in case of accident):

Jay West. Mum once told me to walk off a broken ankle, so if I'm ever in an accident, send her far away.

School:

Indiscriminate Whacking.

Reasons for Joining:

For once in her life, Jin put it better. Read hers.

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Daniel is either incredibly calm, laid-back and faintly sarcastic, or a seething mass of jealousy and testosterone. So really, he's a typical teen.

In all seriousness, Daniel is smart, and balances Jin's scary cheerfulness with his own special brand of realism. However, he does have a slight inferiority complex. And the less said about his love-hate thing for Sparkle, the better.

Teacher's Comments:

Indiscriminate Whacking is a skilled and subtle art, which Daniel used to be good at. This year he's spending far too much time around those Kung Shoe girls, and it shows. I never thought I'd say this, but he needs to get his focus back on the real martial arts.

End-of-year report *MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

DANIEL WEST

Daniel seems to have finally accepted that he's never going to be the alpha wolf, although he still tries every now and then. It never works, although he's much less angry about losing to his rival than he used to be. It's nice to see him smile for once.

STUDENT COMMENTS

Is this where I'm supposed to talk about my developments and achievements from this year? ...

...

...next time I fight An I'm gonna win.

Iordan: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Iordan d'Eyatchun.

Age:

17.

D. O. B:

16th March.

Species:

Elvish.

Place of Birth:

The Soapfruit Coast.

Next of Kin (to be contacted in case of accident):

Nari d'Eyatchun, mother.

School:

Indiscriminate Whacking.

Reasons for Joining:

I get to play with swords, hammers and giant sticks. Do I need a better reason?

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Indiscriminate Whacking tends to attract a certain kind of man - fortunately, Iordun isn't one of them. He's too modest to be the knight in shining armour, and definitely not tortured enough to be an anti-hero - something that might prove useful. I have never met an elf more spectacularly unaware of the tropes happening around him.

Teacher's Comments:

Iordun isn't a natural, but he learns quickly and well. A little more practice with the axe wouldn't go amiss, but his swordplay has improved this term.

End-of-year report

*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

IORDUN D'EYATCHUN

Things could go one of two ways for Iordun at the moment. If he manages to hold on to the courage and resourcefulness he displayed in the Emerald City, he won't have too many problems coping with his new condition. If he doesn't...

STUDENT COMMENTS

What do mean "if he doesn't"? I'm fine! Really!

Martyn: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Martyn of Derryderrydown

Age:

17

D.O.B:

20th October

Species:

Imp

Place of Birth:

Derryderrydown ('The Capital of Twee!')

Next of Kin:

Don't call my family if I'm injured. They'll come and Morris Dance at me till I get better out of sheer desperation.

School:

Indiscriminate Whacking

Reasons for Joining:

My family would only accept a career which involved me hitting things with sticks. At least this way I don't have to deal with the bells, handkerchiefs and folk music too.

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Martyn is about as normal an Imp as anyone could find in Derryderrydown or anywhere really, and has thankfully not inherited the local habit of ending every sentence with "Hey nonny nonny!"

Teacher's Comments:

Martyn would handle a quarterstaff much better if he just stopped skipping around during practice.

End-of-year report

   *MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

MARTYN OF DERRYDERRYDOWN

Martyn has been one of the quieter students in the dojo this year, which is understandable after the events of the play. His work has picked up again recently, though, and he seems to be happier.

STUDENT COMMENTS

Everything was a mess. *sigh...* okay I guess it was my fault a little bit too, but still... anyway, I'm not going to make any stupid assumptions next year.

Dulcet Angel Christine: Staff Record

Qualifications:

Absolutely none. She provides such a poor example of a magical girl that the students learn by doing the exact opposite of what she tells them.

Experience:

Christine claims to have been a sidekick to Righteous Seraphim Luna Cycle back in the Eighties. My research tells me that she fought one rather low-key battle alongside her and has been living off the glory ever since.

Psychological Profile:

Christine is the has-been's has-been. I mostly keep her around because it's funny, although I'm sure that if I fired her she'd come up with some kind of pathetic scheme for revenge…

"Pretty Princess Sparkle": Permanent Record

Full Name:

Simone Angelina Legarce.

Age:

17.

D. O. B:

30^th June.

Species:

Human, obviously.

Place of Birth:

Stratford upon Avon.

Next of Kin (to be contacted in case of accident):

My father, Sebastien Legarce.

School:

The School of Marketable Magic , although I resent that name.

Reasons for Joining:

I believe talents are there to be used. Unfortunately, many people in the Mortal Realm don't feel the same way. I really had very little choice about coming to study in Faerie, although I must admit it does have its compensations.

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

My first impression of Sparkle was that she was a charming, highly intelligent and talented young woman. This is completely true. Sadly, she is also a manipulative little bitch who thoroughly deserves to be taken down a peg or two a somewhat difficult pupil.

Folking impartiality rule ...

Teacher's Comments:

Sparkle is a charming, highly intelligent and talented young woman, and an absolute joy to teach.

End-of-year report

   *MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

SPARKLE (SIMONE LEGARCE)

...Oh. Oh crap, they left her there, didn't they?

STUDENT COMMENTS

...

Cherry: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Steve Lewis.

Age:

18.

D.O.B:

23^rd March.

Species:

Human.

Place of Birth:

Basingstoke.

Next of Kin (to be contacted in case of accident):

Ted Lewis (Yeah, except probably don't bother).

School:

Marketable Magic.

Reasons for Joining:

To be a magical warrior for love and justice, that's why.

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Cherry has the makings of an excellent Magical Boy, but needs to find the confidence to choose his friends more wisely. However, I can't wait to see his classmate's faces when they realise he's as straight as an arrow. Note: not the reaction that I expected, but an interesting one nonetheless. I wonder what this means for the future of the School of Marketable Magic?

Teacher's Comments:

Cherry isn't the most talented Magical Girl I've ever taught, but then, he has started off with a little bit of a handicap...

End-of-year report

*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

CHERRY (STEVE LEWIS)

Steve has come a long way since his first year at the dojo. Breaking away from Sparkle has been a big step, and he seems to have made up for his past mistakes, at least in the eyes of certain other students.

STUDENT COMMENTS

I've made a lot of decisions that I thought would make my life easier, but all they did was make it miserable. The whole Pirate debacle taught me how much better everything is when I face up to the difficult stuff rather than leaping out the nearest window.

Magical Chav Blingy Pashmina: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Chardonnay Bloater

Age:

16

D.O.B:

26th December

Species:

Human, innit?

Place of Birth:

Braintree, Essex

Next of Kin:

My mum, but I don't want you calling that cow if something goes wrong 'cos she'll come down and make a right scene and I can't be doing with it.

School:

Marketable Magic

Reasons for Joining:

I was bored, right?

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Pashmina is certainly the most aggressive of the magical girls. Luckily, she lacks the subtlety of, say, Sparkle, and prefers screaming and hitting people with bottles to plotting the downfall of everyone around her. It's certainly effective.

Teacher's Comments:

Pashmina would have excelled in the "Transformation Sequence with Implied Nudity" module if her nudity had actually remained implied.

End-of-year report

   *MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

PASHMINA (CHARDONNAY BLOATER)

Since Sparkle left, Pashmina's violent tendencies have decreased beyond belief. I think I even saw her doing some embroidery the other day.

STUDENT COMMENTS

Whatchoo lookin at? I am knittin' a scarf.

Angelic Warrior Sapphic Tendencies Sophie: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Sophie Manson

Age:

16

D.O.B:

14th April

Species:

Human

Place of Birth:

London

Next of Kin:

My cousin Tammy. And tell her to bring her camera.

School:

Marketable Magic

Reasons for Joining:

It's just the most graceful and beautiful form of combat the world has ever seen. Plus the girls are hot.

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

There's always one magical girl who lusts after all the others, but I've never known anyone who threw herself into it (so to speak) quite as devotedly as Sophie.

Teacher's Comments:

Sophie seems to learn an awful lot from watching the other girls, so I have encouraged it as much as possible.

End-of-year report

*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

SOPHIE MANSON

Since Sparkle was kidnapped, Sophie has been at something of a loose end. She's started making strange modern art films. They're completely incomprehensible, but Dulcet Angel Christine thinks they're wonderful. Also, I think someone had a talk to her about boundaries.

STUDENT COMMENTS

No one understands my genius.

Mahou Shoujo Nihon-Go No Claire: Permanent Record

(Note: Claire's Profile has been edited to try and make sense of the garbled Japanese she insists on speaking. Judging by her place of birth, we're currently blaming this phenomena on childhood trauma or possibly some kind of head injury... - H.R.H. Flibbage)

Full Name:

Kareru-chan! (Claire Sullivan).

Age:

Juushichi-nen (17)

D.O.B:

Ju-ichigatsu itsuka (5th November)

Species:

Ningen! (Human)

Place of Birth:

Nagasaki (Slough, actually...)

Next of Kin:

My otosan! ^_^

School:

Marketable Mahou shoujo desu!!! Kawaii, ne?

Reasons for Joining:

not join, Claire called, ne? Like magical girl always.

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Claire is less a student than a fan, and the worst kind of fan at that. She is half-informed at best, but acts as if she founded the damn school.

Teacher's Comments:

Claire's incantations would improve greatly if she used the ones from the textbook and not from whatever anime is her current favourite.

End-of-year report

*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

MAHOU SHOJO NO GO CLAIRE (CLARE SULLIVAN)

I have no idea whether Claire has made any progress this year, because she still refuses to speak either plain English or real Japanese. She has however, struck up a friendship with some of the UM students and I overheard Samara giving her and Nicola a lecture about cultural appropriation. How much of it will sink in is anyone's guess.

STUDENT COMMENTS

I work hard on effective communication skills, desu!

Magical Jailbait Insipid Fructose: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Emma Smith

Age:

"18"

D.O.B:

27th March

Species:

Human

Place of Birth:

Salisbury

Next of Kin:

Any of my ten older step-brothers.

School:

Marketable Magic

Reasons for Joining:

Because magic is just so much fun to play with! Besides, I often have to fight off the advances of thirty-year-old pervs...

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

If Fructose was left to herself in the mortal plane she'd probably have her own story, one that would make Hard Candy look like a slap on the wrist by comparison. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision when I took her in...

Teacher's Comments:

Fructose is doing well this year, but if she really wants to go far, I recommend she makes herself seem even more illegal.

End-of-year report *MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

FRUCTOSE (EMMA SMITH)

Fructose still has absolutely no attention span, but on the plus side, she's cut down on the cigarettes.

STUDENT COMMENTS

 

Okay okay, I'm actually only 15! It was my birthday the other week and all no one even noticed!

Magical Girl Extreme Makeover Rainbow: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Susannah Lee

Age:

17

D.O.B:

2nd January

Species:

Human

Place of Birth:

Twickers, darling.

Next of Kin:

Oh, that would have to be Mummy. Daddy is far too busy.

School:

Marketable Magic

Reasons for Joining:

Well, originally I didn't want to join because the uniforms were just hideous, I couldn't possibly have worn one. But after Princess Flibbage offered to let me revamp the Magical Girl wardrobe, I thought "I have to be charitable, these poor girls need me."

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

At first I thought Rainbow would be a valuable asset to the dojo, but after she made the outrageous claim that a little Botox would do me no harm, I saw her as the lunatic she obviously is.

Teacher's Comments:

Rainbow's sense of style is unfortunately not matched by her magical ability. Definitely not my most promising student.

End-of-year report *MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

RAINBOW (SUSANNAH LEE)

Rainbow complimented me on my dress the other day. I feel I may have misjudged her.

STUDENT COMMENTS

Of course, now I get it! True haute-couture is about going against the flow, about making your own rules! I need to talk to the Kung-shoe girls- I have so many new ideas about shoes...

Hack: Staff Record

Qualifications:

"HACK", as he calls himself, has every qualification in computer science and diabolical engineering imaginable. Combined with his status as perpetually undateable, this makes him an ideal mecha teacher.

Experience:

"HACK" has worked for several evil corporations, and has arguably done a lot of good, as most of the equipment he built caused horrible, maiming explosions.

Psychological Profile:

"HACK" is the only member of staff who is completely morally untethered- even Beansprout is an angel compared to this man. Because of this, I have placed a suspended suffocation curse on him, and am ready to set it off whenever he shows signs of going completely off the rails.

Jimmy Jacobs: Permanent Record

Full Name:

James Edward Jacobs.

Age:

16.

D.O.B:

27^th April.

Species:

Human.

Place of Birth:

Northampton.

Next of Kin (to be contacted in case of accident):

My mum Tilda Jacobs.

School:

The School of Overrated Destructive Metal Robots. But I'm campaigning for a name change, because I really think they're not that overrated.

Reasons for Joining:

I'd never have had the chance to work with such amazing machines anywhere else. The Mortal Realm just doesn't have this kind of technology, it's all outmoded concepts like

NOTE: The rest of this statement has been edited for annoying technobabble. - H.R.H. Flibbage

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

When he first arrived at the dojo, Jimmy was a fairly pleasant, if incredibly shy, young man. Unfortunately the laws of generics seem to have taken a particularly heavy toll on him, and he is now one of the more annoying mecha-boy stereotypes - an insecure, whiny wreck.

Teacher's Comments:

Jimmy's work is progressing well this year - his robot doesn't usually require more than four reboots before it will start properly, and it has only got seriously out of control twice this term.

End-of-year report

*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

JIMMY JACOBS

I'm surprised Jimmy's still alive. Pleasantly surprised, that is. He did far better than anyone was expecting in the battle against the pirates, and hopefully separating him from M3H-13 will help him develop even further.

STUDENT COMMENTS

I can't believe everyone seriously thought I was going to die...

Nicola "Nic" Martin: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Nicola Martin

Age:

16

D.O.B:

14th October

Species:

Human

Place of Birth:

Up North.

Next of Kin:

My dad, Martin Martin

School:

Destructive and Overrated Robots (but they're not overrated, I love them!)

Reasons for Joining:

The robots sounded like so much fun to work with - and they are, when they don't explode... or make other things explode.

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Nic is that rarest of things, a mecha girl without horrible emotional scars. She's helped some of the other mecha students with previously insurmountable problems, like talking to girls.

Teacher's Comments:

Nic doesn't seem to understand that a robot can be used for evil as well as good. This is a real shame.

End-of-year report *MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

NICOLA MARTIN

While the other students were away, Nicola occupied herself by building an android cast of her favourite shojo anime and re-enacting various episodes. If she doesn't complete the series, I'm going to go above Hack's head and fail her.

STUDENT COMMENTS

There's so much more to it than that! It's not just an anime, there's also a manga, and these novels and drama-cds and some of the voice actors formed a pop-group... I've got all their songs here in SH1ll_5's mp3 database, let me play them for you, it's so amazing you'll be hooked! There's this one girl that-

Robert Crowe: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Robert Crowe.

Age:

15.

D.O.B:

31st October.

Species:

Human.

Place of Birth:

Undisclosed.

Next of Kin (to be contacted in case of accident):

This will not be necessary.

School:

Mecha.

Reasons for Joining:

World domination. Plus, it looks good on my CV.

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Robert is quiet, calm and possibly evil - luckily, not dangerously so. That world domination thing is just his little joke - he prefers to hire himself out as a mercenary.

Teacher's Comments:

Robert would be one of our best students if he spent less time on personal projects and more time doing as he is told.

End-of-year report

*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

ROBERT CROWE

Sadly, I had to expel Robert for smuggling weapons to the goblins. He'd already had three warnings. God help the mortal realm...

STUDENT COMMENTS

We'll meet again, Princess...

Samara Khan: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Samara Khan

Age:

18

D.O.B:

21st March

Species:

Human

Place of Birth:

London

Next of Kin:

My father.

School:

Destructive and Overrated Robots

Reasons for Joining:

It seemed more interesting than a university course in computer science. Plus, I like fixing things and these robots need a lot of fixing.

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Samara belongs firmly in the quiet, bookish mecha girl camp. She has a lot of raw talent, but HACK's projects are often too insane for her to flourish.

Teacher's Comments:

Who?

End-of-year report

*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

SAMARA KHAN

Towards the end of the year, we found that Samara had managed to remove the apathy module on her AI. When asked, she said it was just an exercise in coding, and she seemed completely unaware that there could be any negative side-effects. Hack reinstalled it, but we're going to have to keep a close eye on that girl.

STUDENT COMMENTS

Oh come on, I'm 90% certain 4L1c_3 isn't evil, what could possibly have gone wrong?

Oh that's that thing that the Faeries get all upset if you say, isn't it? What's that all about?

Wasabi: Permanent Record

Full Name:

Terence Brown Wasabi!

Age:

16

D.O.B:

23rd September

Species:

Human

Place of Birth:

New York

Next of Kin:

My dad, Terence Brown Senior

School:

School of Overrated Destructive Metal Robots

Reasons for Joining:

Because mecha is the pwnage!

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY:

Psychological Profile:

Wasabi(and Lord knows where he got *that* ridiculous nickname) is far too enthusiastic for his own good. I fully expect him to die stupidly in his first battle.

Teacher's Comments:

Wasabi has an obsession with blowing up large buildings, which I feel should be h5ly encouraged.

End-of-year report

*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR CH1-12!*

WASABI (TERENCE BROWN)

Wasabi is... Wasabi. He was ridiculously jealous that Jimmy was picked to go on the mission instead of him, but he soon bounced back from that and carried on trying to build the giant robot he's always dreamed of.

STUDENT COMMENTS

I mean yeah, maybe it would have been totally awesome to go on a pirate adventure but I had to let my best bro Jimmy go chase his dream girl into near inevitable destruction, am I right? We're gonna build him a new mech to make up for losing M3h, it's gonna be sweeeeeet!

Coming Soon

Kimberley Chen

Aliases:

Kim

Age:

20

Pronouns:

she/her

Place of birth:

London, UK, Mortal Realm

Status:

Magical Girl (unaffiliated, active)

Power:

Ophiuchus (The Snake)

Notes:

Chen gained her magical powers as a teenager, but avoided registration or any kind of engagement with the Soldiers or any other licenced Magical Girl team. Despite several attempts to bring her into the fold, Chen remains stubbornly resistant to affiliation. In recent weeks, she has allied herself with enemies of the mortal realm, including rogue Fey and weres living illegally in London. Chen works at a café, owned by a potential sympathiser to anti-mortal causes. Her personal connections include her girlfriend, Claudia, and her apparent magical tutor, Glenn, both of whom are also on our watch lists.

Claudia Nichols

Aliases:

None

Age:

21

Pronouns:

she/her

Place of birth:

London, UK, Mortal Realm

Status:

Former student at a known terrorist training camp in Faerie (specialism: Kung Shoe)

Power:

Non-magical, but skilled in combat

Notes:

In a long-term romantic relationship with Chen, and has many friendships amongst the Fey and other sympathisers. To be monitored closely; neutralising may compromise our pro-mortal stance.

Juliet Ajobi

Aliases:

None

Age:

20

Pronouns:

she/her

Place of birth:

London, UK, Mortal Realm

Status:

Half-were (lycanthrope, father’s side), half-human (mother’s side)

Notes:

Minor member of the London packs, previously stuck to carrying out errands for the were hospitals until an encounter with Chen and Nichols. Now seems to be actively participating in rebel activities.